It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
There was a cruise ship with a magician on board. Each cruise his audience changed so he kept the same magic tricks. The captains parrot was watching him each week and figured out how he was doing the tricks so he began to talk. The parrot would say things like "He is putting the flowers under the table or the cards were all spades, something to that effect. The magician got real angry with the parrot but could not do anything because the parrot belonged to the captain. Then one day the boat sank and the parrot and the magician was on a piece of wood together and they scowled at each other for about a week without saying anything. The the parrot couldn't take it any longer, he asked the magician "Ok, I give up, what did you do with the boat!"
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my bird unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet puts the bird on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your bird is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room and brings in a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs the bird a couple of times and walks away. The veterinarian says “I’m sorry your bird is dead”.
The lady is more upset and says “are you kidding me? I want a real examination!”
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the bird. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the bird, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your bird is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $500."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all you didn't do anything for the bird."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $50 for the office visit, $150 for the Lab report and $300 for the cat scan!"
The vet puts the bird on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your bird is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room and brings in a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs the bird a couple of times and walks away. The veterinarian says “I’m sorry your bird is dead”.
The lady is more upset and says “are you kidding me? I want a real examination!”
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the bird. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the bird, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your bird is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $500."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all you didn't do anything for the bird."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $50 for the office visit, $150 for the Lab report and $300 for the cat scan!"
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
This one may be a re-post or a spin on an old joke.
Norman comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk.
He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Elsie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Elsie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what, the light switched itself on, all by itself. And as I was going out, the light went off again, I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what!”
Elsie groans, “Come on, Norman! I bet you just peed in the fridge again!”
Norman comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk.
He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Elsie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Elsie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what, the light switched itself on, all by itself. And as I was going out, the light went off again, I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what!”
Elsie groans, “Come on, Norman! I bet you just peed in the fridge again!”
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have some sort of transportation in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of transportation you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, "How long were you married?" He answered, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you said I was forgiven." St. Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a motorbike to get around on."
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out." St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Camaro to drive.
The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a top of the line Jaguar for your use!"
A few days later, the two guys with the motorbike and the Camaro saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong. He said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, "How long were you married?" He answered, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you said I was forgiven." St. Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a motorbike to get around on."
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out." St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Camaro to drive.
The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a top of the line Jaguar for your use!"
A few days later, the two guys with the motorbike and the Camaro saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong. He said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A man looking to buy a horse, goes to the local farmers in his area.
Seeing the perfect ride, he asked the owner if he was for sale.
The farmer says yes, but he don't look so good, so I'll sell him cheap.
The buyer was delighted thinking "he looked ok to me".
After taking him home, as he was ridding, and the horse was running into the fence, a tree, and missed the barn door.
The Man takes the horse back to the farmer and tells the farmer, the horse you sold me is blind.
The farmer says, "I told you he don't look so good".
Seeing the perfect ride, he asked the owner if he was for sale.
The farmer says yes, but he don't look so good, so I'll sell him cheap.
The buyer was delighted thinking "he looked ok to me".
After taking him home, as he was ridding, and the horse was running into the fence, a tree, and missed the barn door.
The Man takes the horse back to the farmer and tells the farmer, the horse you sold me is blind.
The farmer says, "I told you he don't look so good".
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
There was this husband and wife. The wife told the husband when he came home from work that the lawn needed mowing. The husband said "What do I look like the Landscaper"? So the lawn went unmowed. The next day the man came home from work and the wife said" There is a leaking water faucet." The man said "What do I look like, a plumber?" So it went unfixed. The man came home from work the next day and the wife said, " There is a burned out light bulb." The man replied, "What do I look like, an electrician?" So the next week the man came home and the lawn was mowed to perfection, the faucet was fixed and the light bulb was changed. the husband was impressed and asked how much money did she spend? The wife replied, "No money" the neighbor done it all for me and to bake him a cake or have sex with him. The husband sighed big and asked the wife, "What kind of cake did you bake him?" The wife answered, "Who do you think I am, Betty Crocker?"
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around- WalMart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, very curvy, ins't wearing a bra,
beautiful long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, doesn't matter,
let's look for yours."
are pushing their carts around- WalMart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, very curvy, ins't wearing a bra,
beautiful long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, doesn't matter,
let's look for yours."
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The first blonde answers, 'That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!'
The policeman says, 'Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile.' Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes them picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!'
The policeman angrily responds, 'What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?' He quickly adds'...think hard before giving me a stupid answer.'
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,'Hmmmm.. the suspect wears contact lenses.'
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.'
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. 'Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?'
'That's easy,' the blonde replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
The first blonde answers, 'That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!'
The policeman says, 'Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile.' Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes them picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!'
The policeman angrily responds, 'What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?' He quickly adds'...think hard before giving me a stupid answer.'
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,'Hmmmm.. the suspect wears contact lenses.'
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.'
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. 'Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?'
'That's easy,' the blonde replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A Texan tourist is standing under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks up in awe.
This is an amazing tower, he comments to a French guy nearby, "How many barrels does it get in a day?"
This is an amazing tower, he comments to a French guy nearby, "How many barrels does it get in a day?"
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
At a parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The scared inmate responded, "It's bec..., it's bec, " Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have ... Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Silver
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A couple are asleep at home when, at 3:00 am, they hear a pounding on their front door.
The husband gets up and goes to the front door. He opens it and there is a drunk standing there in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
The husband says, "Not a chance, it's 3:00 in the morning"
He slams the door and goes back upstairs.
"Who was that?" says the wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers.
"Well did you help him?"
"No I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and it's bloody pouring outside", he answers.
"Well, you have a short memory. Don't you remember about three months ago, when we broke down, and those two men helped us", she says. "I think you should help him. Remember God loves drunks too."
The husband does as he's told, gets up, puts on his pants, and goes out into the pounding rain.
"Hello are you still there?"
"Yes", comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", says the husband.
"Yes please", comes the reply form the dark
"Where are you?", asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing", says the drunk.
The husband gets up and goes to the front door. He opens it and there is a drunk standing there in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
The husband says, "Not a chance, it's 3:00 in the morning"
He slams the door and goes back upstairs.
"Who was that?" says the wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers.
"Well did you help him?"
"No I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and it's bloody pouring outside", he answers.
"Well, you have a short memory. Don't you remember about three months ago, when we broke down, and those two men helped us", she says. "I think you should help him. Remember God loves drunks too."
The husband does as he's told, gets up, puts on his pants, and goes out into the pounding rain.
"Hello are you still there?"
"Yes", comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", says the husband.
"Yes please", comes the reply form the dark
"Where are you?", asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing", says the drunk.
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
There was a husband and wife, they had 6 kids and so he started calling her "Mother of 6" instead of her first name. She thought this was cute the first time but he kept it up saying "Mother of 6 get me a beer, or Mother of 6 what's for dinner". He called her that all the time instead of her first name and she was getting tired of it. So, one night at a BIG party the husband said, "Mother of 6, let's go" She replied "I am right behind you "Father of 4".
Sunset
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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