I think I may need therapy

[tenant13]

It seems like the last two or so years have sucked the joy out of my life. I'm reasonably healthy and well adjusted, doing what I thought I always wanted to do, socially ok, financially fine (perhaps struggling a bit with switching from "saving" to "spending" mode) and overall content. Yet I don't experience the same emotions and think the same thoughts as I did when I first retired - which was pure exuberance.

Everywhere I travel seems like a place I've already been to, every person I meet feels like someone I've already met before, everything I do is something I've done - literally. I am unable to enjoy "being in the moment" and I'm always anxious: about what I've just done and about what I'm about to do.

WTF is my problem: too much time and too much money? I don't believe my retirement is the reason for feeling this way. But that's where I am and it sucks.

 

[tricky88]

You may be right: Therapy might help. So might a new life purpose. Maybe explore some worthy non-profits and put your skills and energy towards one you feel strongly about. I love the volunteer work I do and spread myself over a few different ones so that I don't feel too tied down to one. There is no shortage in the world of work that needs to be done, but isn't tied to capitalism.

 

[Bigdawg]

Last spring after losing a few loved ones and resigning from a job (also waiting on 2 hip replacements) I saw a counselor for 5 sessions. Really helped me. Good luck.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Therapy typically works really well for those who are stuck.
You sound stuck- even though you are active your post tells me that you are looking for something different.
I would go through your healthcare provider and get a referral to a therapist.
Have a session or 2 and then decide if you want more.

I’m sorry that you are feeling out of sorts. It just sucks.

 

[COcheesehead]

I was close to someone with clinical depression. I see lots of similarities in your post. I wish you the best in finding your solution.

 

[cyber888]

Possibly a realization of the limitations of this earthly world? Perhaps you need new lenses new perspectives ?

It seems like the last two or so years have sucked the joy out of my life. I'm reasonably healthy and well adjusted, doing what I thought I always wanted to do, socially ok, financially fine (perhaps struggling a bit with switching from "saving" to "spending" mode) and overall content. Yet I don't experience the same emotions and think the same thoughts as I did when I first retired - which was pure exuberance.

Everywhere I travel seems like a place I've already been to, every person I meet feels like someone I've already met before, everything I do is something I've done - literally. I am unable to enjoy "being in the moment" and I'm always anxious: about what I've just done and about what I'm about to do.

WTF is my problem: too much time and too much money? I don't believe my retirement is the reason for feeling this way. But that's where I am and it sucks.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

How is your diet? It is hard to feel happy when if your neurotransmitters are out of whack. We've been doing functional medicine testing in my family and there did seem to be a link between who was depressed and serotonin levels. Therapy, supplements, diet changes and more exercise have made a big improvement for one family member. Eating more of the foods in the following paper might help, and likely can't hurt since most of them are healthy foods anyway -

Antidepressant foods: An evidence-based nutrient profiling system for depression: The AFS is based on a nutrient profiling system devised to identify foods with the highest nutrient density of nutrients with clinical evidence to support their role in depressive disorders. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6147775/

Talk therapy may be helpful, but if you are low nutrients like magnesium and vitamins D, that isn't going to do much for your nutrient status.

 

[tenant13]

I was close to someone with clinical depression. I see lots of similarities in your post. I wish you the best in finding your solution.

I don’t think it’s a depression. More like a general “meh” approach to most things - as if I’m off course; or to be precise, I don’t know what the course is anymore, I’ve achieved everything I strived for. Which obviously can be looked at suspiciously by a clinician. But I’m not a Gen-Z wallflower to think that everything I go through is a life challenging disaster.

 

[dmpi]

Life is a challenge. Money doesn't automatically buy happiness. One of the challenges of retired life is to find areas that you have a passion for. I generally try to make myself useful and try to accomplish at least one thing a day.

 

[tenant13]

How is your diet? It is hard to feel happy when if your neurotransmitters are out of whack. We've been doing functional medicine testing in my family and there did seem to be a link between who was depressed and serotonin levels. Therapy, supplements, diet changes and more exercise have made a big improvement for one family member. Eating more of the foods in the following paper might help, and likely can't hurt since most of them are healthy foods anyway -

Antidepressant foods: An evidence-based nutrient profiling system for depression: The AFS is based on a nutrient profiling system devised to identify foods with the highest nutrient density of nutrients with clinical evidence to support their role in depressive disorders. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6147775/

Talk therapy may be helpful, but if you are low nutrients like magnesium and vitamins D, that isn't going to do much for your nutrient status.

I think (?) I eat really well. Nothing from a box or a bag, so it’s always food I cook myself or a very good (aka expensive) restaurant . I don’t eat processed foods and/or meat - unless it’s a travel challenge (some special Spanish or Colombian sausage).

 

[steady saver]

You really have nothing to lose by giving therapy a try.

Just remember that not everyone is a good match so if the first one falls flat, try another. And in general, I'd look for someone with at least several years of experience...

But heck, why not give it a go?

 

[Dtail]

Sounds like you should give therapy a shot. It could be a depression of sorts.
What do you have a passion for?

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

If you think you need it, go get therapy. I think most things are a spectrum and not black and white but it seems you are on the "depressed" end whether "clinical" or not. Certainly if it gets worse, seek help. I've recently begun listening to Andrew Huberman's podcast (usually on youtube) while working out and like how he explains the science behind a lot of our human experiences and how to apply what we know to our life. Here is a link to his podcast on "Understanding and Conquering Depression" that might help you figure out what is going on.



For me, when I feel a funk may be coming on (I'm a stubborn DIY type and am not dealing with any significant depression at the time but have had low periods in the past), I sort of self-help and watch what I eat, get exercise, and get outside. Absolutely no alcohol when in a bad mood and not alone anytime, only socially. I'm pretty active anyway but even a walk outside always helps improve mood some. I also practice gratitude and if having an off day (for me usually just lower than normal energy but not a bad mood) I remind myself of the things for which I am grateful. A lot of people will talk about purpose but for me it's about being ok not having a purpose. I feel the same about bucket lists... doing things because you feel like you need to do them -whether self imposed or from outside can steal the joy and/or leave an empty feeling if you don't meet all of those arbitrary expectations. I focus more on the process/improvement than firm goals/accomplishments per se. Also, nothing wrong with being occasionally depressed, we all are and it is just a part of being human...sometimes just reminding yourself of that and "riding the wave" till it passes works too if you believe it will pass. -Just a bit of a brain dump/stream of conscience thoughts from me. Good luck and do get help if you think you need it and sooner rather than later.


ETA, one other thought... Do you do anything that challenges you, especially mentally? I do think that's important as we evolved to struggle to survive and I think we need some struggle. It doesn't have to be hardship. For me, trying to learn the damn guitar (struggling myself on getting to my next level so right now it's a damn guitar) provides that challenge and the dopamine hit when I finally make progress on the skill that is vexing me. I'm also trying to improve my strength. Again, consistent with both above, I focus on the process and if I can never play a particular song or can't do a particular exercise with a certain weight, I'm ok with that and focus on just improving/pushing myself however incremental that might be and regardless if I do improve or stay on the plateau.

 

[Lucie]

I would recommend a few appointments with a psychologist to help you identify the cause of your mood. Many people don’t realize that mild depression is often characterized by a flatness in mood, where one doesn’t feel down or “ depressed”, but rather flat and unable to feel or sustain joy. For you it may be more of a stagnation than depression, but either way, you could likely benefit from some guidance to add fulfillment and joy back into your life. You also mention feeling anxious, which should be addressed. A good, goal directed therapist should be effective in helping you resolve these issues.

 

[Kork13]

You're in a position where seeking help will do nothing but good for you. Even if only to try it out for a few months, it's totally worth exploring. Change is hard! The number of retired folks who are depressed (or coping with other mental health issues) is dramatically higher than anyone would expect. The sooner you can address any problems, the easier resolving them will be (negative thoughts/habits will be less entrenched). What you may find you need is simply an opportunity for you to find/feel meaning & purpose again in your life. Or maybe you just need an open ear for you to vocalize & work through your thoughts. Maybe you need coaching on how to navigate the transition from working to not working. Maybe there's a biochemical deficiency that can be resolved with diet, supplements, or medication. Perhaps some combination of the above. Figuring all of that out is exactly what a good therapist can help you with. Go for it -- boldly & shamelessly. I'm confident that it'll help you to enjoy your retirement far more than you are.

A few suggestions:
- Be willing to try a few different therapists, until you find someone that you feel comfortable with and provides you with treatment strategies that are meaningful (they'll be effective for you), practical (you can do them), and acceptable (you're willing to do them).
- I'll emphasize it again, because it's extremely important: FOLLOW THROUGH! The therapist might see you for 1-2 hrs/week. You see yourself for 168 hrs/week! Your therapist will give you daily (or even hourly) practices & strategies to work through on your own. The more reliably you can follow those practices, the more effective your treatment will be.
- I'm guessing here, but you would likely be a prime candidate for a branch of treatment called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" (CBT). As you look for a therapist, I would err in the direction toward someone with a specialty/emphasis in CBT techniques.
- Don't try it a couple times & quit ... once again, change is hard! You're in a rut, and it'll take time to climb out of it. Once you find the "right" therapist (for you), give them at least 3-6 months working with you before even considering ending treatment.
- On the financial side ... most decent medical insurance plans will cover behavioral health/psychological/psychiatric therapy. So talk to your insurance, talk to your primary care doc, and use your insurance to help cover your costs.

 

[intent]

Seeing a therapist sounds like a good idea.

Also, if I were in the same boat, I think I'd try out some activities that would force me to be in the present because of their unfamiliarity. Maybe an interactive class (e.g., learning stand-up comedy, acting, public speaking ... basically, anything that interests you at least somewhat and requires you to actively participate during the class). Or maybe I'd try out a Bridge club, a pickleball group, a hiking group ... again, something I'm at least a little interested in and that gets me socializing with an entirely different group of people and immersing in something in which I'm not familiar with the jargon, rules, etiquette, etc.

Basically, I would do something that forces me out of my rut. It might be uncomfortable, and might not be something I stick with long term, but because it's so unfamiliar I'd almost have to be in the present ... there'd be no way for me to simply cruise through the interaction.

Best of luck to you as you struggle through this almost assuredly temporary phase.

 

[Dd852]

Lots of good advice in this thread. I’d just add that I never thought I was the therapy “type”. I’d always made my own way, solved my own problems blah blah blah. But a year ago my wife fell ill and my world fell apart. It has been an incredibly difficult 12 months but I realized about a quarter of the way in that all this was beyond my competence and that I lacked perspective and ability. And that I was a mess. So I started therapy and it has been a life saver. I didn’t mean this contribution to switch to being about me - merely to say that if you had a blockage or prejudice against getting help, you could do yourself a world of good by dropping your guard and giving it a try.

 

[Spock]

I'm not going to advise against therapy, but I will say this:
First to point out the obvious, "the last two or so years have sucked the joy out". The last 2-3 years of c*vid have been an unprecedented challenge that have sucked the joy out of everything. Grocery shopping (exploring new foods/recipies) has been trashed by one-way aisles, masks fogging up your glasses, empty shelves, soaring prices, and declining service. Restaurants: closed. limited seating. limited menus. Movie theaters: closed. Toilet paper shortages... c*vid messed with something as basic as using the toilet. Etc Etc Etc ad infinitum. The "PTSD" from this will linger for a very long time. How can you go through that and not be affected by it?
We're 3 years into this BS and I still can't find either of the the brands of dog food my dog needs.

Then there is a practical side: As we age we reach the point of "been there, done that" when it comes to new experiences. It's kinda like surfing the internet... after awhile you've hit the handful of sites of interest and feel like you've reached the end of the internet.


Sometimes fixing means adapting to the new realities.

 

[donheff]

If you think you need therapy you do. Whether that consists of talk only, talk, exercise, and diet, or includes drugs like SSRIs depends on how you and your doctors/therapists feel about those options. I know several people in my age cohort (74) who have had great results with drugs like Wellbutrin and others who are very negative about such drugs and have done well with diet, exercise, and talk therapy.

 

[Aerides]

For sure look into it, as someone indicating you recognize a problem you'd be a good candidate.

I don't remember "pure exuberance" myself - contentment, yes. So I would reset your expectations a little. Exuberance is a pretty high bar and not sustainable.

But daily anxiety should be addressed, as this could have physical impacts too.

Yet I don't experience the same emotions and think the same thoughts as I did when I first retired - which was pure exuberance.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

For sure look into it, as someone indicating you recognize a problem you'd be a good candidate.

I don't remember "pure exuberance" myself - contentment, yes. So I would reset your expectations a little. Exuberance is a pretty high bar and not sustainable.

But daily anxiety should be addressed, as this could have physical impacts too.

I almost mentioned recognizing the difference between pleasure and happiness/contentment. Pleasure is going to be a temporal and often balanced by a corresponding decrease as brain chemistry goes back to baseline and the baseline will adjust so the same stimulus gives less pleasure each time (think addictive behaviors trying to get the same high). We can't always be ecstatic and mania is not healthy either.

 

[COcheesehead]

I don’t think it’s a depression. More like a general “meh” approach to most things - as if I’m off course; or to be precise, I don’t know what the course is anymore, I’ve achieved everything I strived for. Which obviously can be looked at suspiciously by a clinician. But I’m not a Gen-Z wallflower to think that everything I go through is a life challenging disaster.

One of the five signs of depression is

“Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports”

 

[MRG]

I'll add to the folks saying give therapy a chance. I saw a psychologist when my dad was dying, and it was beneficial. That guy really wasn't a match for me, but he did help me. One thing he pointed out was I have ptsd. I was shocked as I wasn't in the military or a first responder. He explained that wasn't necessary.

I've had a lifelong struggle with anxiety related to ptsd and have tried most conventional treatments without results. Recently, I tried oral ketamine therapy for the first time, and I'm very hopeful. It was very mild and allowed me to see some things differently.

 

[Rianne]

When I was in high school I wanted to be old. Really old. Could not wait to get past all the angst, self-conscience, and figuring out self-worth. Now that I am old, and look back I've figured out that coming out of myself was the answer. Stop caring about how I feel or thinking about why I took things so seriously. We're in our own universe and connect to our experiences. It sounds like you've lost passion for life. Things have become a bit gray and uninteresting. I'm not sure a therapist can bring that back. Maybe if they were creative and nonclinical. The ketamine experience sounds interesting.

 

[pacergal]

So much good advice and info from folks here.

I sort of went through the same thing, so much excitement building up to retirement, then after a while, kind of stuck. Similar to excitement of your upcoming birthday when you were a kid, then the day after, huh it's over.
But a good book recommended on the forum is one of my go-to's when I feel stuck: Ernie Zelinski "How to retie happy, wild, and free". Get a life tree exercise.
I would review what I wrote and get re energized.

I also employ an "Attitude of Gratitude" daily. Spend some time quietly thinking/meditating about what is good in life and things I am grateful for. Also helps me focus on things I may need to work on.

Also, as mentioned above, covid sure hasn't helped.

Definitely try some counseling, and maybe a therapist or two--find one you feel good about. Sometimes it takes a trial.

Best wishes and good mental health to you!