Spouse is Afraid of Flying

[Livefree]

My wife hates to fly and it's a problem because I want to travel more. Last year we drove to Florida (from Massachusetts) and it was ok, but I'd rather spend 3 hours on a plane than drive.


She has tried zanax, and bloody marys on the flight, still has anxiety.


Any ideas that could help?

 

[frayne]

I think Erica Jong wrote a book that covered the subject back in the 70s. Probably somewhat dated but no doubt still relevant.

 

[street]

I don't fly either. We don't travel far distances, so it works for us. My wife has traveled to places by air without me and that works for both of us also.

 

[Aerides]

Here's my thoughts, though not want you might want to hear:

Presumably, this isn't new? If it is, then - if she wants to - that's something she can discuss with her doctor. It's not even a little uncommon for women to develop new anxieties after menopause.

Beyond her wanting to adjust, this is for you to accept and figure out ways to handle vs. pushing her to try therapies. Solo travel can be awesome. Or with a friend, or a group tour. This gives you the opportunity to go to places she doesn't want to - flying or not.

DH isn't afraid of flying, but definitely likes to travel on the whole less that I do. So I take a trip or two a year by myself or with my sister.

 

[Livefree]

Here's my thoughts, though not want you might want to hear:

Presumably, this isn't new? If it is, then - if she wants to - that's something she can discuss with her doctor. It's not even a little uncommon for women to develop new anxieties after menopause.

Beyond her wanting to adjust, this is for you to accept and figure out ways to handle vs. pushing her to try therapies. Solo travel can be awesome. Or with a friend, or a group tour. This gives you the opportunity to go to places she doesn't want to - flying or not.

DH isn't afraid of flying, but definitely likes to travel on the whole less that I do. So I take a trip or two a year by myself or with my sister.

Yes I have considered solo travel, but was really hoping there was a solution so we could continue to travel together.

 

[braumeister]

Put "overcome fear of flying" in your favorite search engine and you'll find a plethora of options for dealing with this.

Cleveland Clinic says there are at least 25 million people in this country with the problem, so there are clearly ways to deal with it.

 

[pacergal]

My sister in law does not like flying either, but she likes the travel opportunities.
She takes a medication(not sure what) and then sleeps on the plane. She finds if she doesn't eat it also helps. She and my brother have traveled all over, so it works for her.
Mentally, she says she just has to talk herself down with her anxiety.

Does your wife have anxiety about other things?
Perhaps trazodone might work better, it is longer acting and safe to use long term. Maybe she could take it for 5-7 days before flying? or however Dr prescribes.

Best of luck with you and your wife while you try to work this out. Maybe you travel solo half the time or drive /fly 50-50 if able.

 

[Brat]

Given Boeing's recent missteps her anxiety isn't unreasonable.

Consider taking trips by train then rent a car. Not cheaper but can be very pleasant. A UTube couple recommended two roomettes over a bedroom.

 

[Livefree]

My sister in law does not like flying either, but she likes the travel opportunities.
She takes a medication(not sure what) and then sleeps on the plane. She finds if she doesn't eat it also helps. She and my brother have traveled all over, so it works for her.
Mentally, she says she just has to talk herself down with her anxiety.

Does your wife have anxiety about other things?
Perhaps trazodone might work better, it is longer acting and safe to use long term. Maybe she could take it for 5-7 days before flying? or however Dr prescribes.

Best of luck with you and your wife while you try to work this out. Maybe you travel solo half the time or drive /fly 50-50 if able.

She doesn't have any other anxiety. Thanks for the tip on Trazodone, we'll look into that.

 

[Car-Guy]

This isn't going to help the OP but, I never had a fear of flying. And until I was in my 40s, I loved to fly. At work I was told you need to fly to (name your location) and I was ready to go. Of secondary importance to me was why I needed to fly there (just didn't matter). These days with all the security checks, airport crowds, packed planes, hotel checkin/checkouts, rental cars, prices, etc, I refuse to fly anywhere. If I can't drive there, I ain't going.

So for me it's not a fear of flying but a true hatred of flying and associated air travel BS.

 

[Sue J]

I don't fear flying, I just dislike it. Really, hate it. It's not due to anxiety, it's the hassles and torture of the whole thing and being among strangers who may not know how to behave in public. It's just a long ordeal.

Luckily, neither DH or I are interested in travel. We've flown to Denver for family things many times and will do it again if we have to.

DH went to Beijing, China with our son in 2018. I DID NOT WANT TO GO because of the long flights, time change and crowded/traffic/big city aspects. It turns out to get there they had 2 flights for a combined 16 hrs on a plane and then 3 hours of traffic in Beijing. I may not have survived that with my full faculties.

Lately, my feelings are that I'm not getting on a plane unless there is a beach at the other end.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I flew frequently until a flight in 2002 where we all thought we were going to die including the stewardess. She even said so when a passenger asked a question. But my mom lived across the country and going any other way was to slow so I had to fly.

At first I needed a person and drugs and it was still hard to do. Eventually I could fly alone with Xanax and my lap dog and now I fly alone to Europe with Xanax. You guys can work through the anxiety together. I hope you find a medication that works better.

 

[Chuckanut]

If I didn’t fly I would not see my children very often. So, I fly. I don’t fear it. With Gobal Entry I usually bypass most long security lines. And I am learning not to check a bag unless I really need to bring the kitchen sink with me.

Having driven to my children’s new out of state home on several occasions, I am pretty sure flying for three hours is far safer than the 20+ hours on the road.

 

[skyking1]

@Aerides touched on all the important points, #1 being she needs to address this on her own terms.
Her doctor can help her if she wants, or point her to the right counseling.
As a pilot, I have seen all sorts of anxieties and they are sitting in the right seat next to me.
Some people worked through it, and others not so much.
One friend really wanted to try, so I flew out to Pullman and took him for a ride in a 172.
I could see this was a big mistake in the first minute, and brought him directly back to the runway. He was one of those folks who either needed professional help, or had best give it up.
Other people warmed right up to it, even after expressing a whole lot of apprehension beforehand.

 

[Koolau]

I believe I've heard of a "specialty" in the psychology field that addresses fear of flying. You might look into that.

I'm with Sue J. I don't fear flying (I flew private aircraft when I was younger.) I just hate the current process of flying.

If statistics don't convince people that flying is safe, it's definitely a "head" thing. Sometimes, that can be addressed, but it might not be quick and certainly not cheap.

Given my "druthers," I'd never fly again. BUT flying is the only practical way to get where I'm going when I cross the Pacific. YMMV

 

[Route246]

I was a road warrior early in my career. I amassed over 4 million miles and still have one legacy million miler lifetime membership with AAdvantage. UA and NW expired out. I viewed air travel as part of my job for which I was well compensated, enjoyed all of the travel perks of renting cars, staying in hotels, getting "free" upgrades with loyalty programs, etc. I lived out of a suitcase for long stretches of time, ate very well and was treated like someone special.

That said, I burned out and could go on for the rest of my life never flying anywhere except for Asia where I have multiple friends, colleagues and close associates and business ties even today long past my road warrior days. We travel business class at a minimum which is very expensive but it is something I got used to and I just can't fly coach on extended stints anymore. We live well below our means but air travel has no budget when we have to travel, it is a non-negotiable component of a trip for us. The main annoyance I have with travelling to Asia is the weather sucks for a good portion of the year so we have to plan carefully, especially for SE Asia. E Asia is not so bad (Taiwan, Korea, Japan, etc.).

I still have a fear of flying, believe it or not. I still get a nervous stomach and anxiety with the thought of flying, mostly borne out of claustrophobia. I don't like crowds and queues and airport security is extremely annoying.

Point is, even someone who has flown as much as I have, it is OK to not like it or to have a fear. I will never lose that regardless of how irrational it is.

 

[Walt34]

I'll be an outlier and offer this suggestion: Have her take flying lessons. Seriously. Not to get her private pilot's license, which is expensive and a long steep learning curve, but just to solo, which will take maybe 10-15 hours of instruction.

And trust me, soloing an airplane is one of those experiences that you will never, ever, forget. It's a neat mixture of elation (Wow, I'm doing it by myself!) and fear (Oh, sh*t, I have to land this all by myself, no one is going to help me!). But by the time that happens she'll have a good understanding of what makes an airplane fly and what is going on in the air with it.

Even though I have my private license and I'm one of those strange people who thinks acrobatics in an airplane is fun I don't fly commercially. I'm with Car-guy on that, all the hassles make commercial aviation more of a pain than it's worth.

 

[Route246]

I'll be an outlier and offer this suggestion: Have her take flying lessons. Seriously. Not to get her private pilot's license, which is expensive and a long steep learning curve, but just to solo, which will take maybe 10-15 hours of instruction.

And trust me, soloing an airplane is one of those experiences that you will never, ever, forget. It's a neat mixture of elation (Wow, I'm doing it by myself!) and fear (Oh, sh*t, I have to land this all by myself, no one is going to help me!). But by the time that happens she'll have a good understanding of what makes an airplane fly and what is going on in the air with it.

Even though I have my private license and I'm one of those strange people who thinks acrobatics in an airplane is fun I don't fly commercially. I'm with Car-guy on that, all the hassles make commercial aviation more of a pain than it's worth.

Isn't there an extensive ground school component to this? I have a colleague who is taking lessons now but he says it is quite a time sink, let alone the expense of renting a plane.

 

[Walt34]

Isn't there an extensive ground school component to this? I have a colleague who is taking lessons now but he says it is quite a time sink, let alone the expense of renting a plane.

There can be if one intends to get a private license or sport pilot's license. But if all one wants to do is get to the solo stage, yes there will be some reading but it's not like the master's program level that getting a license is.

Just physically flying the airplane is not the hard part, it's no more difficult than driving a car. The hard part is learning how not to do all the things that can get you killed when you're not looking.

 

[skyking1]

^ what you posted Walt is what my instructor used to see.
People would get started, solo the plane, and quit. For them they have met the goal. They learned how to fly.

 

[Sarah S]

There are fear of flying programs that help people work through their fear and end with taking a flight. If she is interested and motivated you might search for one in your area. I used to be terrified of flying but with family on the other side of the pond plus ill immediate family too far to drive regularly I forced myself to fly ( no meds or alcohol used) I came to enjoy it. It helped that the trips were very frequent and quite short to my family in the US

 

[Koolau]

Just physically flying the airplane is not the hard part, it's no more difficult than driving a car. The hard part is learning how not to do all the things that can get you killed when you're not looking.

I would debate the contention that flying the aircraft is as easy as driving a car. I could drive a car the first time I ever tried it (age 13.) It was almost instinctive - perhaps because I'd been riding in a car for 13 years. Flying an aircraft is in 3 dimensions, air currents changed where you actually went as well as your speed, etc. There were lots of things that entered into the complexity. Eventually, it became more or less second nature - until something went wrong.

I certainly got "scared" or "frightened" several times in a small aircraft, but I was never "afraid" as folks talk about being "afraid of flying." The week after my engine-out experience, I went out and flew again. If anything, the whole thing (putting it down safely in a winter wheat field) led me to believe it was a fairly safe thing to do. (Full disclosure - that was like lesson 4 and the instructor landed the plane.)

But I agree that flying in a small plane just might be the "cure" for fear-of-flying. If you can deal with the intimacy of a small plane where you feel everything that's going on with the aircraft, you should be able to fly in a huge commercial aircraft - since it's like sitting in your living room most of the time. But, YMMV.

 

[marko]

I was a road warrior early in my career. I amassed over 4 million miles and still have one legacy million miler lifetime membership with AAdvantage. UA and NW expired out. I viewed air travel as part of my job for which I was well compensated, enjoyed all of the travel perks of renting cars, staying in hotels, getting "free" upgrades with loyalty programs, etc. I lived out of a suitcase for long stretches of time, ate very well and was treated like someone special.

That said, I burned out and could go on for the rest of my life never flying anywhere except for Asia where I have multiple friends, colleagues and close associates and business ties even today long past my road warrior days. We travel business class at a minimum which is very expensive but it is something I got used to and I just can't fly coach on extended stints anymore. We live well below our means but air travel has no budget when we have to travel, it is a non-negotiable component of a trip for us. The main annoyance I have with travelling to Asia is the weather sucks for a good portion of the year so we have to plan carefully, especially for SE Asia. E Asia is not so bad (Taiwan, Korea, Japan, etc.).

I still have a fear of flying, believe it or not. I still get a nervous stomach and anxiety with the thought of flying, mostly borne out of claustrophobia. I don't like crowds and queues and airport security is extremely annoying.

Point is, even someone who has flown as much as I have, it is OK to not like it or to have a fear. I will never lose that regardless of how irrational it is.

Fellow 4 million miler here! I could have written most of your post myself! Was NW's top 5 fliers for 30 years. But never burned out and never had any fear or concerns (except for that one flight of extreme turbulence over Nepal...many people seriously injured).

Just booked two First Class seats to Palm Beach yesterday. Only flew coach once in my life...never again.

 

[Route246]

I know I will probably jinx myself but in 4 million+ miles I have never experienced turbulence to the level of injuries. I've flown in extreme turbulence before but I'm fortunate I don't get motion sickness so that is one advantage I had over those who do.

I classify it as fear but it is not really that, it is just a very high level of irrational discomfort coupled to claustrophobia and fear of crowds (which I also have). I'm a rational science-based person so I can rationalize the facts but the anxiety, nervousness, queasiness is always there. Luckily I can conceal it pretty well. I don't have problems with the nastiest roller coasters or thrill rides, either. I think being cooped up and locked tight in a flying missile and lack of control is what bothers me. The main problem is I can't sleep on flights except rarely when I'm exhausted and take enough Ativan (prescribed by my doctor for sleep on a plane).

Nepal is nasty, I flew in there once. It felt like flying into a thrill ride.

Fellow 4 million miler here! I could have written most of your post myself! Never had any fear or concerns (except for that one flight of extreme turbulence over Nepal...many injuries). Just booked two First Class seats to Palm Beach yesterday. Only flew coach once in my life...never again.

 

[statsman]

I always had a fear of flying, but it became a huge problem once I needed to fly on business. Thankfully, my manager was able to convince corporate to allow me to fly non-stop (California to the US Eastern Time Zone). Once I was in the air cruising, I was okay. I also learned that I was much better off in a window seat, especially during turbulence (but *not* at the back of the plane). Looking out the window allowed me to get my bearings.

That said, I was completely unprepared for a flight my DW and I took from California for a cruise out of Florida . About an hour into the flight, flying over Arizona, the underside of the plane started making a loud noise and vibration. At the same time, the plane started dropping in altitude quickly. I'm looking over at my DW, petrified, asking her what the heck was going on. She usually was a good flyer, but she had no answers.

After a bit (less than a minute, but it seemed like an eternity), the noise from below started to disappear, the plane got much quieter, and we proceeded to gain altitude once again. At this point, the pilot comes on and tells us that they noticed the landing gear cover light was on, indicating it wasn't completely closed. So, what they had done at high altitude was open the landing gear cover and re-closed the cover. I believe this also required extending the landing gear and pulling it back before closing the cover.

I don't ever want to be in a plane when that happens again.