A cousin is homeless

[mickeyd]

I have worked with the homeless folks in this area for over 5 years and most of their personal tales are vary tough to listen to. What I have found to be of comfort to many of them is just to reach out, show your genuine concern and love for them and simply ask what you can do to make today a better day for them. Simple works best.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Your cousin will qualify for general assistance which is for poor, single non-working, adults and is usually $200/month for 3 months. If she has a mental illness she can apply for either SSI or SSDI (depends if she has 40 quarters of work), low income housing, food stamps, $ to help pay her rent (section 8 rent assistance), etc. She needs a social worker that can help with these items. You might be able to help by calling her & seeing if she has a social worker, etc.

 

[braumeister]

Always a hard situation and most families have at least one such story.

True, and I find tremendous variability among those stories.

My BIL is a case in point. Extremely intelligent and quite hard working (runs his own one-man business) putting in at least 10 hours a day at it. Totally dedicated to his shop. He is hopeless as a businessman (probably hasn't made an annual profit in over a decade) but thinks he is actually a renowned expert in his field and refuses even to listen to well-meant advice.

 

[NW-Bound]

... I know two of these folks that were pretty good at doing the frumpy (normal) jobs, and could have done well at life if they would have just did the job. But I suspect that underneath it all they felt working for a living like that was not enough. They wanted to be the boss, they wanted to manage from a distance, they wanted to sit back and let others make the money for them. In the end, they were not willing to put in the effort required to make their business ventures successful. Without the sweat equity, their businesses imploded.

I heard one person describe it as 'Work just doesn't agree with them.'

True, some people just do not want to work, period.

Heck, we ERs do not want to work either.

However, we paid our dues first.

 

[NW-Bound]

I forgot to add that at the last megacorp, I saw many people there who did not want to work. They got their paycheck by pretending to work.

Some people do not believe that Wally character in Dilbert cartoons exists in real life, but then they have not worked at this place. Amazing! How do you think Scott Adams got the idea?

 

[Walt34]

haha, so sorry to hear you and your cousin are going through this. Like Tailgate I also have a nephew who, while not homeless, has been majoring in Fraternity since 1971. He has a major in marketing and is working as a cashier in a grocery store, always about one step away from homelessness. While he hasn't asked me for money, I'm pretty sure he knows what the answer would be.

As others have suggested I think giving your cousin money would not help in the long term and would only prolong the inevitable. She needs to come to terms with herself and do what social services there suggests to get herself on her own feet.

 

[karen1972]

Its unfortunate, especially since your not close and don't really know how she got where she is. I still feel great empathy as my current bf was almost homeless and I'm sure they would have said all the same things about him, but also didn't understand he couldn't afford his ADD medication and without it, he was unemployable, his case is very very bad and he couldn't even maintain a mcdonalds type job because he was very forgetful, uncoordinated, and couldn't think straight without it. without a job, there is no insurance, with no insurance there is no drugs since you can't get drugs like that without see a psych doctor and then the drugs itself can be hundreds a month...Just an example, because once I got him medicated, his life turned completely around and is now Director at a company and very successful.

ie if they checked into the psych ward, maybe there is something behind their issues... if they are willing to share, you could always listen, if they are not willing to share, there is really nothing you can do and you would just be throwing away good money as its likely they are not getting the help they need and the issue will continue. If they kept a job before and now can't, who knows it could be untreated depression or something like that too.. many things cause massive downward spirals that not everyone can just pull themselves out of.

 

[Redbugdave]

Ha...It pulls on your guilt strings. Between a rock and a hard spot. Your cousin has worn her welcome thin with the other relatives and she has moved on to you. You did OK by helping once and setting the rules that once is enough. I hate it when people inflict themselves on others.

 

[Free To Canoe]

I have worked with the homeless folks in this area for over 5 years and most of their personal tales are vary tough to listen to. What I have found to be of comfort to many of them is just to reach out, show your genuine concern and love for them and simply ask what you can do to make today a better day for them. Simple works best.

+1

Ha,

Sorry for your situation. It is frustrating that after careful thought and consideration of all of the possibilities that is nothing helpful to be done.

Is it me, or do you run into this more and more as you get older?

 

[Free To Canoe]

I have seen a recurring pattern:

...I know two of these folks that were pretty good at doing the frumpy (normal) jobs, and could have done well at life if they would have just did the job. But I suspect that underneath it all they felt working for a living like that was not enough. They wanted to be the boss, they wanted to manage from a distance, they wanted to sit back and let others make the money for them. In the end, they were not willing to put in the effort required to make their business ventures successful. ...'

They wrote a song for these funny, sad people:

 

[NW-Bound]

I stumbled across a couple of blogs written by women in their 50s who lived in a van or car by choice. One lost her job when her small store-owner employer closed down because of a flood, and she did not want to leave the small town to look for jobs elsewhere. Another quit her job and moved out of her apartment because she was tired of working. At one point, she managed to get a full-time unspecified office job, but quit after a month or two because she did not like the work and rather lived in her van, and did some odd jobs.

I have always tried to understand how people chose such lifestyle, hence I found these blogs interesting. They wrote fluently, sounded educated, and appeared to be of normal mind. In the end, I still could not understand.

 

[brewer12345]

I stumbled across a couple of blogs written by women in their 50s who lived in a van or car by choice. One lost her job when her small store-owner employer closed down because of a flood, and she did not want to leave the small town to look for jobs elsewhere. Another quit her job and moved out of her apartment because she was tired of working. At one point, she managed to get a full-time unspecified office job, but quit after a month or two because she did not like the work and rather lived in her van, and did some odd jobs.

I have always tried to understand how people chose such lifestyle, hence I found these blogs interesting. They wrote fluently, sounded educated, and appeared to be of normal mind. In the end, I still could not understand.

Hmmm, I guess if I were single and kidless/had launched kids, I could dig it. What does it take to make me happy? A certain amount of freedom, a dog or two, hunting/camping/fishing gear, decent food, some booze. Can do all that is a luxurious van or small RV.

 

[NW-Bound]

Surely, I can understand that. And I also found a blog by an Iowan who literally lives in a van by the river because he likes to fish. He does job stints lasting a month or two at a time to get some money, then goes back to fishing.

The above two women are not in as good financial shape though. The one living in a metro city once admitted to go picking empty cans out of public trash cans to exchange for cash.

 

[NW-Bound]

By the way, I hear again in my mind that song "Il est libre, Max" ( "He is free, Max") that I posted a while back.

It is here: http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f29/what-did-you-do-today-37868-140.html#post1445657.

Il travaille un petit peu quand son corps est d'accord / He works a little when his body agrees to it
Pour lui faut pas s'en faire, il sait doser son effort / For he does not push hard, he paces himself
Dans le panier de crabes, il joue pas les homards / In a basket of crabs, he does not pretend to be a lobster
Il cherche pas à tout prix à faire des bulles dans la mare / He does not stir up trouble at all cost​

 

[Katsmeow]

She signed herself into a general hospital psych ward. Everyone hopes that a good social worker will place her and get the assistance applications going. She is too weird to survive long on the street.

It sounds from this that she probably has a diagnosable mental disorder. If she has private insurance, it is hard to stay very long because they only authorize a few days at time and basically the patient has to be either suicidal or dangerous to others or self. If she doesn't have private insurance and has either Medicaid or is indigent without Medicaid then someone still has to approve the admission to the hospital.

In other words, you can't just sign yourself in. Once in the hospital different hospitals may treat release differently.

For example, where I live, the hospitals I've had dealings with (for a family member) won't just release a patient to the streets. However, one hospital would simply put the patient on the bus to the homeless shelter. If the patient is on Disability or has income then the hospital will try to find something like a group home or transitional living. But, that does take $600 or $700 a month for room and board. Without any money, then a homeless shelter may be the only option.

Sometimes that can be the best option. Family members coming in to rescue someone can end up enabling. Even when someone has a mental illness, the person can often do things to help themselves. But if someone enables them so they don't have to change or take their illness seriously, then they don't end up helping themselves. Sometimes, it is having to go to a homeless shelter that can motivate someone to try to get help and to change.

 

[splitwdw]

....I called my sister who lives in the same city as the cousin to see if she could cover the week and I would reimburse her. Well she told me that this cousin has been living off family members for quite some time, but she had been unable to get employment after losing her job months ago. She had been living in a woman friend's basement, but the woman's boyfriend told her that either cousin must get out, or he would. Hostess decided that she needed boyfriend more than my cousin, so cousin's stuff wound up out in the yard. So this is where I came in.

Sister and I talked a while, and sister said that all the solvent family members had been trying to get now homeless cousin to apply for disability, housing assistance, etc but that she had been dragging her feet.

Sister bawled her out for trying to involve me, 2500 miles away, and I figured that would be that. Next day I got an im- "I'll be at the new hotel in an hour, and I'll call you then". I had decided not to mess up the tough love that my other cousins had been trying to establish, and also to save myself some money and grief, so I texted her that I could not help.

Meanwhile, I am pretty upset. This woman had always worked, but spent too much on travel, expensive apartment and so on. I felt mixed....

In recapping with my sister, I learned that my Dad and his brother had been helping her now dead mother for years, after aunt got divorced and had poor representation...

This newly homeless cousin has always been generous, not only with herself but with her derelict brother's children and others. She is in no way a bad person, just really lacking in sense and unable to say no.

Family members and friends can make suggestions and have done so, but we really have no control over self-destructive financial behavior.

Still, it makes me feel awful.

Ha

Ha, Know what you mean about feeling awful but some people we just can't help. If you trust your sister then stay out of it. It sounds like the cousin's reaching out to you because she ran through all her local family members.

 

[Totoro]

But I suspect that underneath it all they felt working for a living like that was not enough. They wanted to be the boss, they wanted to manage from a distance, they wanted to sit back and let others make the money for them.

Sounds exactly like my cousin.

He was on his second cycle about to go bust, owed 200k+ to his creditors from a failed bar/restaurant venture. Personal bankruptcy looming within weeks.

Then he won the lottery. 1M+.

Then he bought a ferrari.

Haven't heard from him in a long time. Second cycle will eventually complete I expect, in another 10 years or so.

Unless his mother will have died by then, should give him a decent inheritance.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I have always tried to understand how people chose such lifestyle, hence I found these blogs interesting. They wrote fluently, sounded educated, and appeared to be of normal mind. In the end, I still could not understand.

It really struck me how many people I know really hate their jobs after being around less retired and more employed people than we usually are around on Thanksgiving. Maybe the van people really are happier.

 

[braumeister]

Then he bought a ferrari.

ROFL!
I'm sure he felt he deserved it after all the stress he had been through.

 

[haha]

This may work out better than I feared. She is still in the hospital, and apparently is slated for release early next week. Someone who has been self supporting all her life suddenly going downhill is not normal, so I am hoping this gives us something to build on.

Ha

 

[wolf]

Keep an eye on her Haha. Maybe there'll be a better time to step in and help in the future with a better expected result.


So true. We're just the result of our genes, environment and chemistry. And most of that is pure luck.

+1, Agree. You mentioned both cousins were adopted. Children given up
by their birth mother have "learning disabilities". Not their fault.

Check out Psychiatric text books if you do not believe me.

 

[samclem]

+1, Agree. You mentioned both cousins were adopted. Children given up
by their birth mother have "learning disabilities". Not their fault.

Check out Psychiatric text books if you do not believe me.

Probably not. Link

 

[Chuckanut]

Then he won the lottery. 1M+.

Then he bought a ferrari.

Haven't heard from him in a long time. Second cycle will eventually complete I expect, in another 10 years or so.

Unless his mother will have died by then, should give him a decent inheritance.

This reminds me of the best reason I ever heard for buying an annuity. (not that I am a big fan of annuities). An elderly lady had over 2.5 million dollars at the death of her husband who had owned a highly successful business which he sold just before his death. Unfortunately, she had two children both of whom were similar to those spendthrifts described in this thread. After less than two years her cash was down to 2 million thanks to her being a soft touch for her kids. She simply could not say 'no' to them. At the advice of a nephew who knew something about personal finance and her family situation, she bought several annuities with most of the remaining 2 million thus putting her in the position where she could no longer simply write a large check to bail out her spendthrift children.

 

[travelover]

......... At the advice of a nephew who knew something about personal finance and her family situation, she bought several annuities with most of the remaining 2 million thus putting her in the position where she could no longer simply write a large check to bail out her spendthrift children.

Plus it made her more creditworthy if she co-signed loans for them...

 

[Chuckanut]

Plus it made her more creditworthy if she co-signed loans for them...

True, it was not a perfect solution. But, without it she might have been wiped out in only a few years. Or so I am told.