Are you taking care of your elderly parent(s)?

[Mark2024]

Everyone of us has parents. Some of them are very fortunate to live well into their 90s.

They are losing the ability to take care themselves. How are you taking care of yours?

You have the resources, health and the time after FIRE. But you can't leave your aging parents for more than one day. How are you dealing with that?

Or you would just continue to work since you can't travel anyway?

 

[pacergal]

My dad passed in 2015, a year before I retired. In 2014, he became gravely ill and was in/out of hospitals, rehab, home.
During his time at home, my siblings and I cared for him. He was able to get up and around, but was very weak( he had fallen a few times), at risk of low blood sugar, was on dialysis, so he was not left alone.
Luckily, between myself and three siblings, we were able to take turns being with him.
I had Fridays off, so I had Th/F/S nights (being an RN, majority of medical oversight was mine) Other siblings split the rest of the week. One sibling was retired, one owned her own business and one worked, but had time off during the week, so there was flexibility in our choices for care times.
Dad had the financial means to pay for his bills.
In the end, he chose hospice at home.

Was it difficult and time consuming? h*** yes.
But we all got along, had some great times with our Dad (he had been a traveling salesperson during our childhood, so was not home as much) and got to know him really well. My sister and I never thought he would live long after Mom passed, but he thrived for a few years until his health faltered.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

My 92 year old mother passed away on Tuesday. I was her primary caregiver for the last two years. She was able to live independently until 2 months ago when she was diagnosed with leukemia. I am so glad I was FIRED so I could dedicate my time for her. Now I'm coming off the stress of fighting cancer with her and I am in a lot of physical pain. I was talking with a friend who lost his wife to cancer a few years ago and he told me he was in a lot of physical pain for 6 months after taking care of his wife at home.

I took care of my dad too, he passed at 90. I have an estranged brother that hasn't been around for years, it was easier without him because he stressed everyone out. He's fighting some addictions. Overall it has been a hard time, but it was my honor.

 

[MarieIG]

DF has passed but we were his caretakers for the last two years of his life.

First of all, he lived across the street. Secondly, I had six sons, one of whom voluntarily moved in with him, put his life on hold, and did yeoman's work. Third, I hired a 24/5 aide. Fourth, I was over at the house every morning and every evening, picked up and organized all meds, oversaw all medical care, prepped a lot of meals, fed dad (he ate better for me) and gave him his meds, etc. DH did food shopping and helped with DF's personal care and went with me daily when DF was in the hospital. I had DF in a large bright and airy room (on a hospital bed with a special mattress) with a lot of windows and a view. I had the youngest spend time with him every day after school, which DF loved, and had seating for visitors.

 

[aja8888]

Are you taking care your elderly parent(s)?

Nope, I am the elderly parent and I am taking care of myself!

When that time comes, I don't want to put that burden on my daughter.

 

[aja8888]

DF has passed but we were his caretakers for the last two years of his life.

First of all, he lived across the street. Secondly, I had six sons, one of whom voluntarily moved in with him, put his life on hold, and did yeoman's work. Third, I hired a 24/5 aide. Fourth, I was over at the house every morning and every evening, picked up and organized all meds, oversaw all medical care, prepped a lot of meals, fed dad (he ate better for me) and gave him his meds, etc. DH did food shopping and helped with DF's personal care and went with me daily when DF was in the hospital. I had DF in a large bright and airy room (on a hospital bed with a special mattress) with a lot of windows and a view. I had the youngest spend time with him every day after school, which DF loved, and had seating for visitors.

Wow! Many kudos for providing the care. Well done!

 

[LateToFIRE]

Well, have certainly been in the position of dealing with failing parents, both mine and in-laws, and both long-distance and local, and both limited funds and plentiful funds. There's no one answer I could give on how to cope, other than it really helps to be getting professional advice. Sources of advice I useful:

* Hired an Eldercare Specialists/Consultants, in one case retired nurse, in other case retired Nursing Home Director
* Hired a Concierge physician for remote situation because did house calls / nursing home visits, and was available on cell ph 24/7
* Hired Estate Attorneys in planning/preparation for the inevitable, and also to sort out Healthcare Proxys, POA's and such, plus help deal with LTC insurance complexity
* Hired in-home care agency, found owner's experience to be invaluable, both in terms of care of parent and also LTC insurance issues

Basically, the complexities of navigating the system, whether it's the hospital system, the nursing home system, the insurance system, all of it packed with huge complexities we could not anticipate on our own. For example, the way you answer questions posed by all these providers can determine whether Medicare/Medicaid/LTC insurance will cover or not, whether your parent gets into a facility or not, etc. It is a minefield.

Even getting parent into a best nursing homes is liking applying to a country club - you need to know the requirements, you might even need connections. And then there is the question of who are the best facilities? Answers are not obvious - it's not necessarily the glitziest facilities. The professionals know all the gossip and reputations, how are you gonna know?

Anyhow, this was my experience. DW and I did not have much by way of other family to help out - in fact some family were outright counter-productive and had to work around various agendas - this is where the attornies come in handy). If I could have added another professional, it would have been a therapist to help deal with the incredible stress.

YMMV

 

[Sojourner]

Nope, I am the elderly parent and I am taking care of myself!

When that time comes, I don't want to put that burden on my daughter.

I'd guess almost all of us feel that way, not wanting to be a burden to our family and friends. My DF certainly felt that way and said as much to me after DM died. But, here we are, many years later, and DF has advanced dementia. He has needed 24/7 care for well over a year now, which my siblings and I (along with his partner) have been giving. If he could truly comprehend it, DF would be absolutely mortified at the "burden" he has become for the people he loves the most. Of course, we see it differently because we all love him and want the best for him. But there's no doubt it is very, very hard for all involved. I can only hope my luck is better when it comes to being that kind of "burden" on my loved ones.

 

[Midpack]

My single sister quit her job at age 66 (had planned to work to 70 yo) and moved in with my parents for the last 4 years of their lives. Mom lived about a year, Dad lived 4 more years. My Dad lost his license 3 years in, so my sister drove him everywhere. Fortunately money wasn’t an issue. I offered to move in with my parents at the time but my sister wanted to (Dad subsidized my sisters “early retirement”) and my Dad didn’t want me to do that to my DW.

 

[G-Man]

Well, have certainly been in the position of dealing with failing parents, both mine and in-laws, and both long-distance and local, and both limited funds and plentiful funds. There's no one answer I could give on how to cope, other than it really helps to be getting professional advice. Sources of advice I useful:

* Hired an Eldercare Specialists/Consultants, in one case retired nurse, in other case retired Nursing Home Director
* Hired a Concierge physician for remote situation because did house calls / nursing home visits, and was available on cell ph 24/7
* Hired Estate Attorneys in planning/preparation for the inevitable, and also to sort out Healthcare Proxys, POA's and such, plus help deal with LTC insurance complexity
* Hired in-home care agency, found owner's experience to be invaluable, both in terms of care of parent and also LTC insurance issues

Basically, the complexities of navigating the system, whether it's the hospital system, the nursing home system, the insurance system, all of it packed with huge complexities we could not anticipate on our own. For example, the way you answer questions posed by all these providers can determine whether Medicare/Medicaid/LTC insurance will cover or not, whether your parent gets into a facility or not, etc. It is a minefield.

Even getting parent into a best nursing homes is liking applying to a country club - you need to know the requirements, you might even need connections. And then there is the question of who are the best facilities? Answers are not obvious - it's not necessarily the glitziest facilities. The professionals know all the gossip and reputations, how are you gonna know?

Anyhow, this was my experience. DW and I did not have much by way of other family to help out - in fact some family were outright counter-productive and had to work around various agendas - this is where the attornies come in handy). If I could have added another professional, it would have been a therapist to help deal with the incredible stress.

YMMV

Can you provide some examples of where to look for these professionals and specialists. I think I will need this type of team in the near future for the care of my mother-in-law.

* Hired an Eldercare Specialists/Consultants, in one case retired nurse, in other case retired Nursing Home Director
* Hired a Concierge physician for remote situation because did house calls / nursing home visits, and was available on cell ph 24/7
* Hired Estate Attorneys in planning/preparation for the inevitable, and also to sort out Healthcare Proxys, POA's and such, plus help deal with LTC insurance complexity
* Hired in-home care agency, found owner's experience to be invaluable, both in terms of care of parent and also LTC insurance issues

 

[iloveyoga]

My 92 year old mother passed away on Tuesday. I was her primary caregiver for the last two years. She was able to live independently until 2 months ago when she was diagnosed with leukemia. I am so glad I was FIRED so I could dedicate my time for her. Now I'm coming off the stress of fighting cancer with her and I am in a lot of physical pain. I was talking with a friend who lost his wife to cancer a few years ago and he told me he was in a lot of physical pain for 6 months after taking care of his wife at home.

I took care of my dad too, he passed at 90. I have an estranged brother that hasn't been around for years, it was easier without him because he stressed everyone out. He's fighting some addictions. Overall it has been a hard time, but it was my honor.

I am sorry for the loss of your dear mother.

 

[5Miler]

I moved my mother into my home in 1992 when she was 62 and I was 38. At the time I was single, newly transferred to Atlanta and just starting to date DGF. My mother was just retiring and when I visited her in Ohio, I found she had less than $100K in savings, no pension and SS benefit of under $500 monthly before Medicare which didn't even cover her apartment rent. Although my brother and sister both lived in the same local area, they were in no financial position to help out so I arranged a Uhaul truck and moved her into my home.

She remained with me for 20 years, slowly declining in health due to COPD until she could no longer navigate stairs or even a walk to the mailbox. I retired at 58 in Feb 2012 which was fortunate as she really went downhill shortly after that. COPD is ugly when the patient can never catch their breath. For years, I cooked her meals, got her to doctor appointments, took care of her financial issues and helped her around the house as I mostly worked from home. When I went on vacation, I paid my sister to stay with her so DGF and I would get a break.

My mother passed in July 2012 actually of her own choice by declining oxygen at the hospital under her DNR so we brought her home for her final few days. Thank goodness for morphine. She was 82 and more than ready as she was absolutely miserable her last two years. During the time we cared for my mother, DGF's father who was a year older and also suffering with COPD took a lot of our time. He lived about 3 miles away and was also a frequent flyer at the local hospital. He passed about a year before my mother. Fortunately, DGF had her two sisters in town, one a nurse, who could share the responsibility for her father.

It is the norm in my family to take care of parents in our homes as much as possible. I helped my mother care for my grandfather on his farm in West Virginia during his final days. She quit her job to move back home to live with him his last couple of years when he could no longer live alone and I took vacation to be with them his final two weeks to help her out. He also passed at home.

 

[njhowie]

My 92 year old mother passed away on Tuesday. I was her primary caregiver for the last two years. She was able to live independently until 2 months ago when she was diagnosed with leukemia. I am so glad I was FIRED so I could dedicate my time for her. Now I'm coming off the stress of fighting cancer with her and I am in a lot of physical pain. I was talking with a friend who lost his wife to cancer a few years ago and he told me he was in a lot of physical pain for 6 months after taking care of his wife at home.

I took care of my dad too, he passed at 90. I have an estranged brother that hasn't been around for years, it was easier without him because he stressed everyone out. He's fighting some addictions. Overall it has been a hard time, but it was my honor.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You have my condolences, very sad. We went through very similar with my mom over the year prior to her passing in February. She was 10 years younger than yours. She had been in independent living in a life plan community up until the final few weeks. Mom may have had leukemia - based on what she presented upon admission/testing at the hospital, they didn't see a need to confirm if it was leukemia. On her death certificate it actually says "Possible Leukemia".

Me and sis similarly cared for mom once we had her released from the hospital, providing hospice care at her home for her final few weeks. I don't have physical pain from her passing and what we went through, but mentally it's still there - not a day goes by without thoughts and feelings of her. I would pick up stuff for her at the grocery store. These days, while doing our own shopping, I may pass by something unique which she would have me get for her and it will bring tears to my eyes.

 

[Ronstar]

Sorry for you loss Stormy.

DW and I are caregivers for her 94 year old mother who lives alone in her apartment. She has dementia but is otherwise healthy. We bring her to appointments, get her groceries, and visit her (12 miles away) every couple of days. And numerous phone calls a day. DW’s sister takes over for us when we travel.

 

[aja8888]

I moved my mother into my home in 1992 when she was 62 and I was 38. At the time I was single, newly transferred to Atlanta and just starting to date DGF. My mother was just retiring and when I visited her in Ohio, I found she had less than $100K in savings, no pension and SS benefit of under $500 monthly before Medicare which didn't even cover her apartment rent. Although my brother and sister both lived in the same local area, they were in no financial position to help out so I arranged a Uhaul truck and moved her into my home.

She remained with me for 20 years, slowly declining in health due to COPD until she could no longer navigate stairs or even a walk to the mailbox. I retired at 58 in Feb 2012 which was fortunate as she really went downhill shortly after that. COPD is ugly when the patient can never catch their breath. For years, I cooked her meals, got her to doctor appointments, took care of her financial issues and helped her around the house as I mostly worked from home. When I went on vacation, I paid my sister to stay with her so DGF and I would get a break.

My mother passed in July 2012 actually of her own choice by declining oxygen at the hospital under her DNR so we brought her home for her final few days. Thank goodness for morphine. She was 82 and more than ready as she was absolutely miserable her last two years. During the time we cared for my mother, DGF's father who was a year older and also suffering with COPD took a lot of our time. He lived about 3 miles away and was also a frequent flyer at the local hospital. He passed about a year before my mother. Fortunately, DGF had her two sisters in town, one a nurse, who could share the responsibility for her father.

It is the norm in my family to take care of parents in our homes as much as possible. I helped my mother care for my grandfather on his farm in West Virginia during his final days. She quit her job to move back home to live with him his last couple of years when he could no longer live alone and I took vacation to be with them his final two weeks to help her out. He also passed at home.

My DW had COPD and died last December. What you express is very true. My wife hung on for 7 gruelling years and both of us had suffered thru that as I was her primary caregiver 24/7/365. And, yes, she was a frequent flyer at several of the local hospitals. What a miserable way to check out as your life is slowly taken from you. She made it to 77.

 

[pb4uski]

Everyone of us has parents. Some of them are very fortunate to live well into their 90s.

They are losing the ability to take care themselves. How are you taking care of yours?

You have the resources, health and the time after FIRE. But you can't leave your aging parents for more than one day. How are you dealing with that?

Or you would just continue to work since you can't travel anyway?

We are lucky. Our 93yo DM is thriving in a nice assisted living facility in Texas about 5-10 minutes from 3 of my 4 sisters. She is lucky in that between my 3 sisters and other nearby grandchildren with great-grandchildren she gets frequent vistors and short trips out for shopping or lunch. And when she is there she plays cards with other residents and attends activities like Jeopardy, bingo, etc.

I take care of her finances, paying bills, investing, taxes and managing a commercial property that she owns.

Another sister coordinates her midical appointments and care.

 

[W2R]

Are you taking care your elderly parent(s)?

I have no elderly parents to care for. I don't have any relatives left except for one older brother, who has a young wife that takes good care of him.

My father died of cancer 42 years ago (in 1981) at age 70. He hired a live-in R.N. to assist Mom with his care for the last year of his life while he died at home.

My mother died of slow multiple organ failure due to old age. She died 16 years ago (in 2007) at age 99. She lived in a top-of-the-line CCRC for the last 28 years of her life so she was not lacking in care. My brothers were both CPAs, so they took care of her finances. I miss my mother terribly and think about her every day.

Frank's parents died many years ago, like mine did.

 

[MarieIG]

My 92 year old mother passed away on Tuesday. I was her primary caregiver for the last two years. She was able to live independently until 2 months ago when she was diagnosed with leukemia. I am so glad I was FIRED so I could dedicate my time for her. Now I'm coming off the stress of fighting cancer with her and I am in a lot of physical pain. I was talking with a friend who lost his wife to cancer a few years ago and he told me he was in a lot of physical pain for 6 months after taking care of his wife at home.

I took care of my dad too, he passed at 90. I have an estranged brother that hasn't been around for years, it was easier without him because he stressed everyone out. He's fighting some addictions. Overall it has been a hard time, but it was my honor.

Stormy Kromer, I am sorry for your loss.

 

[kingkarmann]

MIL moved in with us in 2014. This was the beginning of the onset of Alzheimer's dementia.
DW has a daytime job was able to reduce her hours to care for her mom. I worked nights nearly all my career until I retired in 2020. We took care of her in shifts. MIL was ok to be alone until shortly before I retired. Her decline worsened. We were pretty much full time caregivers but were fortunate she was in a good financial position and able to afford in home nursing care. We started having health aides come two times a week for four hours to allow the wife and I time to take care of errands or just a walk in the park.
The nursing level gradually increased until early spring of 2022 when she was placed in home hospice care. She passed peacefully mid July of that year at 82.

Not long after my dad started having multiple health issues. Chief among those issues were COPD and congestive heart failure. I live in Ohio and started traveling to Florida to help him with his activities and the caregiving of his wife who has dementia.
Getting old is not for the faint of heart. Dad wanted to help his wife and live as independently as they could.
They were both active world travelers until a couple of years ago. The health issues they both face/d made it impossible.
I spent nearly the first six months of this year travelling down to help. Thankfully dad's wife has relatives nearby that were able to help too.
I feel very fortunate that I was able to help dad when he couldn't do it anymore. Just after Easter and consulting with his many health specialists to enter hospice care. His wife is under hospice too. Dad was able to stay at home. He passed just a few weeks ago at the age of 86.

I now think I may have PTSD and might benefit from therapy. Time will tell.

 

[N02L84ER]

FIL, 82, living at home with 71 y.o. second wife passed overnight from heart attack.
Step MIL, 75, living at home alone, broke an ankle while weed eating the yard. Three weeks later was on the couch napping and passed from bilateral embolisms.
MIL, 90, living at home, very frail. She had signed up for assisted living but when an opening occurred when she was in her 80s, she decided she wanted to die at home. Her youngest son is her medical proxy, POA, executor, etc. and lives 90 minutes away. She has many friends that check on her daily.
My father was independent and living at home with mom until age 88 when he slipped and fell. He damaged his spine but was able to return home for a couple of months. My siblings and I visited and took turns helping out, but it became too much and he spent his final 2 weeks in a nursing home. He only lasted 3 months from the time of his fall.

Mom is 87 and living at home alone. She is doing well. Two of my siblings live within a 5 minute and 40 minute drive. I and my other three siblings have driven back to help when she was hospitalized after a fall and expect to do that again if she needs us.

 

[5Miler]

My DW had COPD and died last December. What you express is very true. My wife hung on for 7 gruelling years and both of us had suffered thru that as I was her primary caregiver 24/7/365. And, yes, she was a frequent flyer at several of the local hospitals. What a miserable way to check out as your life is slowly taken from you. She made it to 77.

Watching my mother and DGF's father suffer through COPD until the end was the catalyst I needed to stop smoking at 50 after 35 years of the habit. Yes, I started very young. DGF quit when I did and we have both been smoke free for just over 20 years. Both of her parents and both of mine had the habit. Both homes had accumulators and plastic tubing running all over the place for too many years. I had 15 or so oxygen cannisters in the garage all the time just to take her out of the house.

Sorry you had to go through that with your wife. Don't know how I would handle it if DGF went down that path.

 

[thepalmersinking]

Everyone of us has parents. Some of them are very fortunate to live well into their 90s.



They are losing the ability to take care themselves. How are you taking care of yours?



You have the resources, health and the time after FIRE. But you can't leave your aging parents for more than one day. How are you dealing with that?



Or you would just continue to work since you can't travel anyway?

I retired last March but went back in December because I spend every day doing something to help my mother out. I figured why spend money if all you are going to do is sit around waiting for something happen or going to one of many, Dr. Appointments. Why start taking money if you can’t enjoy it.

 

[Dash man]

My parents passed in 1988 and 1999. DW’s mom passed two years ago in memory care. 90yo FIL lives mostly with us, but stays with his sons on occasion. DW says it’s like having another teenage child. We can never trust anything he says anymore because we’ve caught him in too many lies. But DW got him through a cancer battle during the pandemic and he’s pretty healthy now. We don’t like him driving, but can’t get him to stop. He also can’t seem to keep private matters to himself. So we’re very careful what we say around him.

 

[skyking1]

we moved to this property because it was close to DW's parents, and we were involved with caring for her mother in a long cancer battle. She passed in 99 and he went about a year later.

 

[harllee]

I am very fortunate. My mother age 92 has lived many years in a a very nice CCRC. She has loved living there. About 18 months ago she got sick with Covid and since then she has been going downhill. She has moderate dementia and heart failure. She has caretakers morning and afternoon. I am her POA and spend a substantial amount of time managing her finances. My sister is her HCPOA and manages her caretakers and medication. The thing that has been taking most of my time is trying to get her long term care insurance to pay. So far the insurance company is refusing to pay.