Are you taking care of your elderly parent(s)?

[Out-to-Lunch]

Not anymore.

 

[PointBreeze]

One of the main reasons I retired early 6 years ago was my mom was in the hospital for 10 days the year before and although my dad is alive, he was of no help. Juggling a VP position while dealing with my mother’s hospitalization was very taxing and I imagined this scenario would play out again and again through the years.

Fast forward to 2020 and my mother was hospitalized again during Covid. I spent 8 hours/day with her in the hospital, which was quite necessary because she had temporary dementia and can’t hear. Then she was too weak to go home and they wanted to put her in rehab, but she would have been quarantined in her room because of Covid and I knew she needed a lot of stimulation to make a full recovery. So she moved in with us and we gave her all the care she needed to fully recover and move back home. I was SO grateful to be retired!

My parents are 88 years young and still in independent living (in a benevolent CCRC), and my spouse is 80. I have a close friend who has recently gone from being a vibrant newly retired attorney in her mid 60s to an invalid with cognitive deficit. I am SO grateful to be retired and to be able to help them all.

 

[1242Vintage]

Taking care of 97 year old FIL.

He’s an amazing guy. WWII combat vet and cancer survivor. Everytime I think something might take him out … COVID or pneumonia… cancer …. he bounces right back up like the energizer bunny. He’s also a world traveler. Couple years ago he wanted to go to Mongolia so he bought a plane ticket and went for a month. And he’s the last living member of his WWII combat battalion so every time there’s an event that honors that battalion, he’s the guy that gets the invite.

He still lives independently although we did hire some part-time help for a few hours every other day to help him around the house with cooking and chores he doesn’t want to do. Wife is at his house nearly every day too and manages medical appointments. I take care of home maintenance.

In November we are packing him up and taking him with on our trip down to Belize. We’ve been including him in one trip a year.

Don’t know how long he’ll be walking this earth but wife and I are blessed to still have him in our lives and treasure the time we have him with us.

 

[Markola]

^^^ Fantastic. Are others in his family long-lived? I have a friend whose Norwegian extract parents both made to 100 or so. I tell him, geez, eat whatever you want to.

 

[Winemaker]

Dear MIL was in very good shape mentally until she had a cerebral event and lost her ability to swallow, she passed at 88. We moved her here locally, and stopped by every day, we hired several cleaners/helpers over the years to come in, do some light cleaning, cook a meal or two, assist her taking a bath. Her last caretaker friend was 5 years older than my MIL, and we still see her at church. She stopped doing that w*rk last year.

Once I retired in 2014, I was at DM's house 2-3x a week, cutting grass, trimming bushes, and other regular maintenance as well as her breast cancer treatments. Dementia kicked in about 2019, and DW and I spent the days with her, my siblings did evenings. We hired a company to help us when we felt she couldn't be at home by herself at night. That was for about 6 weeks, and she passed Christmas 2021. We didn't want her to die alone, or of Covid, and in her own home. We succeeded.

 

[aja8888]

Taking care of 97 year old FIL.

He’s an amazing guy. WWII combat vet and cancer survivor. Everytime I think something might take him out … COVID or pneumonia… cancer …. he bounces right back up like the energizer bunny. He’s also a world traveler. Couple years ago he wanted to go to Mongolia so he bought a plane ticket and went for a month. And he’s the last living member of his WWII combat battalion so every time there’s an event that honors that battalion, he’s the guy that gets the invite.

He still lives independently although we did hire some part-time help for a few hours every other day to help him around the house with cooking and chores he doesn’t want to do. Wife is at his house nearly every day too and manages medical appointments. I take care of home maintenance.

In November we are packing him up and taking him with on our trip down to Belize. We’ve been including him in one trip a year.

Don’t know how long he’ll be walking this earth but wife and I are blessed to still have him in our lives and treasure the time we have him with us.

He sounds like an amazing guy!

 

[harllee]

Not anymore.

Sorry. I am lucky to still have a 92 year old mother even though she is in failing health and has moderate dementia. But being her POA is a lot of work, especially trying to get the long term care insurance to pay.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

Sorry. I am lucky to still have a 92 year old mother even though she is in failing health and has moderate dementia. But being her POA is a lot of work, especially trying to get the long term care insurance to pay.

Best of luck, Harllee. I'm sure it is difficult! She is lucky to have you.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I did a few years back. I lost them and I miss them and I regret my impatience, my intolerance of their condition near the end.
It was not their fault. : (

You're not alone. DM and I took care of dad when he had dementia and died a few years back and we both had told each other of brief moments of impatience. Now these last two months mom fought leukemia and passed on 8/1. I was with her everyday and spent countless hours in hospitals, home and driving her 100 mile round trips to all day appointments. Around her I held my patience just fine. I do have to admit I was frustrated a couple of times, but never around her. When she was first diagnosed we had to move her from her home to an unfurnished 3 room assisted living apartment with 24/7 care. I was frustrated that there was so much old worthless property that we had to throw away in her home, it got to me. We finished cleaning out her former home on 7/31. She passed the next day. Then we had 2 days to move her property out of the new place. DW and I did it all, it was exhausting and a bit frustrating. That's the only time I was impatient but I kept it to myself. I've talked to other care givers and a lot of us have remorse over being less than patient at times and feel bad. We're not alone.

 

[rembrandt]

My father died at 73. It is a good thing that he died early, because of the way he traumatized me in my childhood, I would not have anything to do with him.

 

[Agapostemon]

I am taking the first steps on the road to being more involved with caring for my 83-year old mother.

With the help of a nest egg, she has been in an independent living apartment. Unfortunately, over the course of the last year or two, that nest egg has been defrauded from her by various scammers. My family has never been good at keeping in touch, so by the time I found out what was happening, her money was gone.

I think I can afford to keep her off the streets until we find a place she can afford on her own / with Medicaid, once she qualifies. But I worry about keeping my own financial oxygen mask in place while I help her out. Also, just travelling to see her for a week and finding out how bad things are, has given me such physical symptoms of stress, I don't understand how people endure giving such care for years.

She is physically healthy, and manages her day-to-day living, but no longer can be trusted with money. I have POA on her checking account, and my brother is looking into an elder law lawyer. She appears to be in the early stages of some kind of dementia. What other kind of support for her should we be looking for?

 

[Katiek]

Mom lived to her 90's and after my Dad passed and she had some physical mobility issues, she moved to an apartment near one of my siblings. They each had their own place and they'd only visit when "invited" or on a daily schedule (my sister would bring the mail and check in once a day). The other siblings would pitch in for things like laundry, some shopping or doctor's appointments, but Mom was able to live on her own with just some "assistance".

 

[Stormy Kromer]

My father died at 73. It is a good thing that he died early, because of the way he traumatized me in my childhood, I would not have anything to do with him.

So sorry.

 

[PatrickA5]

I was lucky in that DF was able to live alone in his house up until close to the end at age 97. I took care of his finances, bought his food, took him to Dr. appointments, arranged anything that needed to be done around the house, etc. I listened to his increasing stories of how his neighbor was spying on him and how his Pharmacist was trying to kill him. He had a flat tire once (at home) and was convinced the Pharmacy assistant came to his house and let the air out of his tire. Oh, and all of his doctors were conspiring against him. I just listened and nodded.

My brother lived 4 hours away, but would only come down when dad ended up in the hospital after his several falls. I was thankful for those few days that DB stayed with dad, so I could take a break from worrying about him. I have to admit to a fair amount of resentment.

 

[Act2]

I understand about patience issues and resentment during the elder care years. I think that arises because the situation is just plain difficult. Even if you want to do it and love your parents, it is hard. Or at least that was my experience. If you are or were involved in elder care, those frustrations are normal. I know that others could probably have done a better job being perfectly patient with my Dad, but there were no ‘others’, other than the CCRC staff. Brothers lived a distance away and they were not the hypothetical ‘others’ with perfect patience, either. They were good and they were supportive. But they weren’t on the ground from day to day because that was not possible for them. I understood that and do not have any bad feelings about that. While acknowledging that others might have done better than I did, I believe I did the best I personally could do. I did not yell at him and I was very reliable and ran myself crazy trying to fulfill his many random requests. I just wasn’t always as cheerful in the service of my Dad as I wish I had been and occasionally there was an impatient comment. (Of course, me being usually cheerful sometimes drove him up a wall, so maybe it wasn’t all bad.) He was not easy to help, and was not always kind, especially to me. Interestingly, he grew kinder with dementia, which is not everyone’s experience. I believe he is at peace now, and he was not alone. That has to be enough.

 

[SecondCor521]

I am taking the first steps on the road to being more involved with caring for my 83-year old mother.

With the help of a nest egg, she has been in an independent living apartment. Unfortunately, over the course of the last year or two, that nest egg has been defrauded from her by various scammers. My family has never been good at keeping in touch, so by the time I found out what was happening, her money was gone.

I think I can afford to keep her off the streets until we find a place she can afford on her own / with Medicaid, once she qualifies. But I worry about keeping my own financial oxygen mask in place while I help her out. Also, just travelling to see her for a week and finding out how bad things are, has given me such physical symptoms of stress, I don't understand how people endure giving such care for years.

She is physically healthy, and manages her day-to-day living, but no longer can be trusted with money. I have POA on her checking account, and my brother is looking into an elder law lawyer. She appears to be in the early stages of some kind of dementia. What other kind of support for her should we be looking for?

My Dad is 87 and is in mid- to late-stage dementia.

Being scammed out of all their money is a problem for any senior, but seniors with dementia are probably far more susceptible because their ability to think critically, remember, understand, and have good judgment about who to trust are all diminished. My Dad has been scammed a few times, thankfully not for very much money.

As soon as possible, you should ask your Mom to sign a general durable POA. I say as soon as possible because she has to be mentally competent in order to sign it, and dementia progresses, sometimes at uneven and rapid paces so nobody knows how much time you have left.

A lawyer can prepare a POA. You can also check the state laws where your Mom lives and see if they have a statutory form. A statutory form is basically a user-friendly template that you can have her fill out and sign. In my state it doesn't even require notarization (but your Mom's state might).

If she is already not competent, then you may need a conservatorship. These are a hassle, involve a court and ongoing court supervision, and take time and money to set up. But if she really needs someone to completely take over and not let her do anything, then that's what a conservatorship does.

If she's in between, you can do what I've done with my siblings concurrence, which is get POA on all my Dad's accounts, and then get set up for logins and notifications on everything, and then limit his access to a single credit card (my Dad is in a CCRC so he can bill 99.9% of stuff to his room, and for everything else he can just use his favorite credit card).

If you get a POA, it's also a good idea if you can to consolidate and simplify to as few accounts as possible. My Dad has one checking account, one taxable, one traditional IRA, one Roth IRA, and two credit cards (only one of which he physically has the card to). And automate everything you can - SS deposits, pension deposits, rent payments, credit card payments, etc. The fewer accounts and fewer manual transactions you need to do, the less work it is, and the less chance that anyone will question what's been done. It also makes it easier if/when you need to change addresses and contact information from her to you, and when she passes away it will make estate administration easier.

If you can, it would be good to get her to her doctor, preferably an internist. Getting a diagnosis of dementia, while tough, will also help you know more about what you're dealing with and be able to find resources to cope and learn. The doctor at the same time can look for other health issues that might be treatable, such as UTIs or depression.

 

[Act2]

^^^and consider making sure the credit card has a low authorized balance….

 

[F.I.R.E User]

Everyone of us has parents. Some of them are very fortunate to live well into their 90s.

They are losing the ability to take care themselves. How are you taking care of yours?

You have the resources, health and the time after FIRE. But you can't leave your aging parents for more than one day. How are you dealing with that?

Or you would just continue to work since you can't travel anyway?

Only mother is alive. She is 81. Probably in early stages of dementia. Financially, she was dependent on father so siblings took over after dad passed. She is fairly independent and lives with me and has been for 20 years. Just hire a caretaker if you need to step out.

 

[Countdown To Freedom]

My DW had COPD and died last December. What you express is very true. My wife hung on for 7 gruelling years and both of us had suffered thru that as I was her primary caregiver 24/7/365. And, yes, she was a frequent flyer at several of the local hospitals. What a miserable way to check out as your life is slowly taken from you. She made it to 77.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sounds very similar to what my mom went through. Not only did she have COPD and required oxygen 24/7, she also had rheumatoid arthritis, macular degeneration, untreated depression and an addiction to Vicodin. She was also a frequent flyer at the hospital and when she ran out of the rheumatologist's prescribed Vicodin, began doctor shopping for it with her pulmonologist. It was not easy for either one of my parents as they had been married for almost 55 years and were very codependent. My father was her main caregiver and refused to let anyone else do anything for her, including myself and my younger sister. She died in the hospital at 75 right before Christmas in 2017.

My dad will be 83 next month. He still lives alone but requires some assistance. He walks with a cane and had a triple bypass and pacemaker in 2019 as well as type 2 diabetes. He still drives, but it's usually point A to point B and not far. He calls me his "lawyer" as I assist with bill paying, form completion, dealing with any providers he needs help dealing with and applying for any government assistance he qualifies for. I also run his email account and online MyChart account with his health group. My sister's husband helps with Dad's yard work and taking care of the small inground pool in the yard, which thankfully he will not go in unless someone else is in the yard to spot him. Luckily I am 5 minutes away from him by the highway and my sister is only three blocks away. But I have noticed he is slowly declining each year. This is another reason why I am thankful for retiring early because I can devote more time with helping Dad out with whatever he needs me to do.

 

[lauradrops]

My father had copd and began going in and out of hospitals more frequently at 80 years old. I had been living in NC and he in NY. I kept asking him to live with me after the passing of my mother and brother, both lived with him.

He finally came down to me to do hospice care in my home. Thankfully I was no longer working because caring for him and my young ASD daughter was pretty much the hardest times of my life. He was difficult when healthy, this situation was a whole new difficult.

I guess I did it well because he was told he was in his last 6 months and actually stayed with me for 1 1/2 years before his passing. I was able to care for him and spend time with him right up until the day before he passed. His last 30 hours was in hospice house where they could provide properly for his final hours.

I am glad I did it, but it was really the most difficult time of my life. He was reluctant to having me hire any help, but when I look back I see that was a mistake. My biggest recommendation to anyone who finds themselves in this scenario is make the right decisions to hire help when needed. Be an advocate for yourself as well as your parent.

 

[Kings over Queens]

I had wonderful parents. It has been a lot of work, especially over the last 8 years, but I don't regret it. But after the house is sold next month, I will have the freedom to do whatever I want.

They were lucky to have you in the end. Inspiring story.

 

[Kings over Queens]

We're dealing with my in-laws now, who are in Florida, and we are in NJ. It's a difficult situation because my MIL will not consider moving back here (I can't blame her) and she's resisting the Assisted Living facility discussion, for now.

I'm now just getting a handle on their finances, shifting money from plain vanilla savings to higher interest savings, and forecasting her savings and spending habits to give her peace of mind that she can afford to buy a new pair of glasses, or pay for groceries to be delivered.

My MIL has her hands full with my FIL and is a bit of a martyr, which is fine, but at some point it's going to be an issue and she's going to need to accept help.

The distance is the biggest challenge. We are here, they are there, and neither of us are prepared to relocate. Ugh.

 

[Sittler27]

I'm the primary caregiver for my mother (91), who lives on her own about a 5 min drive away. My father passed at 91 in Jan/22 fairly quickly from complications of a lung infection, but was very healthy other than arthritis almost right up to the end.
I miss him dearly - while he was a very strict parent, he had such a great way of looking at life and I miss our chats and his life advice. I think about him almost every day and can still hear the sound of his voice as if he was right next to me speaking.
Unfortunately, my mother and I don't have the same kind of relationship - while I know she loves me and has always loved me, her toxic relationship qualities have left me with short patience at times when caring for her, often leading to arguments between us - she is very very good at playing the victim.

We learned back in May that the bovine aortic heart valve my mother had replaced in 2017 has now developed a severe leak, so she gets tired quite easily over the last couple years. However, she is quite independent, still living in her own house (bungalow) and cooking, cleaning on her own and even driving occasionally.
She is quite a severe introvert so always says she is quite fine on her own for long periods, but I still call her every day and drop in 3-4 times a week.
She is unbelievably strong-willed (read: stubborn) for her age.
Recently I've arranged for a PSW to spend 3 hours a week with her on Tuesday mornings. Not because she needs help with anything, but just because I'm basically the only person she speaks with on a regular basis and I need the break (and she needs someone else to talk to).
I have no siblings, and my wife doesn't go visit her at all due to past disagreements/arguments they both have had. So it all falls on me, but luckily for now she is still quite independent so apart from picking up groceries and taking her to appointments it hasn't been too tough yet.
Would have been much harder on me if I hadn't FIRE'd in Feb 2000 (1 month before the pandemic, unbeknownst to me!).

 

[G-Man]

Hmm, good question, its been years since dealt with all this so memory is a bit fuzzy. In the remote situation, which was an urgent emergency situation, pretty sure I started with finding a local estate attorney because could see right away that I was going to need help taking control of bank accounts, credit cards, enforcing medical decisions, etc. And from there the attorney recommended the eldercare consultant (retired nurse) who could look in on (and act as a patient advocate) for my parent who was initially hospitalized, and help me make arrangements for in-home, and later nursing home care. The consultant, lol, was a force to be reckoned with - she had had a long career as a nurse before she retired and became a consultant. When she walked onto a hospital ward was like a drill sargent inspecting the barracks. Not only did she help my parent, but she taught me a lot too - I don't know how I could have managed without her strength and experience.

From there the consultant recommended an equally competent and passionate concierge physician, because it become clear to me that assisted living and nursing home facilities have a very limited physician presence - as in a Dr might show up once a week - if there is any kind of medical problem your parent gets sent straight to the emergency room, and then the whole cycle of finding an available spot and getting them re-situated in a long-term facility starts all over again - if your parent has a chronic condition that flairs up from time to time, this can be a continual merry-go-round (hospital -> nursing home -> hospital -> rinse/repeat).

Anyhow, I think you get the picture. Once you find any one of these professionals you like and trust, they can plug you into a whole network of other professionals, including the social workers and administrators at various facilities - it is definitely a professional community where they all know of each other. The key is to get the first choice right - someone who aligns with your values and standards, and who is willing to buck the system if need be and fight for you and your parent to receive the best care possible.

For example, the whole idea of a concierge physicians is not necessarily a popular one in the medical community - there were some other healthcare professionals we encountered that clearly felt that it is "unfair" for some patients to have "elitist" advantages others cannot afford. I was surprised, actually shocked, at this friction when I first encountered it. But, I sure wasn't going to let that stop me from getting the absolute best care I could get for my parent.

Hope that helps.

From a financial point of view are these professionals and specialist expensive?

 

[rodi]

My mom had cancer and my dad was here primary caretaker for the final 3 years. We moved to California so she could spend time with our son, her only grandchild (our second son was born after she passed.).


4 years later both my father and my brother received terminal cancer dx's within a week of each other. Dad's 2nd wife was his primary and he was healthy till he got a cold and turned septic. Not a lot of caregiving needed. My brother, on the other hand needed help his final 3 months and my sister and I took turns flying to Colorado to take care of him. They passed within 2 months of each other.

My in-laws are another story. We built an ADA detached granny flat in our backyard to make it easier for MIL to care for FIL. FIL was wheel chair bound with significant aphasia, and later dementia. DH was also very hands on with FIL and we both were actively engaged with stuff like helping with groceries, cleaning, errands. Unfortunately dementia hit MIL a few years before FIL passed but MIL wouldn't accept help. DH became their legal guardians at the insistence of adult protective services. FIL passed at age 90. MIL is 96, almost 97, but lives in a memory unit. DH is still her guardian.

It's not the same as having them under our roof but with the granny flat it was close. (30 feet away).