Are you taking care of your elderly parent(s)?

[jazz4cash]

Everyone of us has parents.

Not true.

 

[jollystomper]

My Dad died when I was in my 30s, it was a short illness and Mom and a sister took care of him.

My mom died when I was 56. In truth it was a factor in my retirement, as it was one less reason to keep working. Being one of 7 children, with an angel of a sister who lived with our mother, we tried to share the burden as much as possible, and it was not that heavy. That was a benefit of having many siblings who get along, I understand not everyone has that situation.

DW's dad died when we were in our early 40s. Her mom is in her early 90s, lives far away, is still every much alert mentally, but showed down physically due to a stroke. MIL's ideal would be for one of her kids or grandkids to move in with her - DW's youngest brother, who lived with her, died suddenly almost exactly 3 years ago - but none of her surviving children or adult grandchildren are interested, even though she has a very nice house in an upscale neighborhood. The current challenge (in my view) is that MIL has a very domineering personality that still impacts her children (if you have seen the series "Succession" that may give you an idea), so being around her for long periods of time is stressful on them, as she wants someone who is both a friend and a maid/servant. MIL has gone thru a series of live in friends and home aid workers due to this personality.

DW has a sister that lives within 10 minutes of their mother, and DW goes down about once a quarter to spend time with her. Even with no money or health insurance issues (MIL is very well off financially and is on the ball with wills, POA, health proxy, funeral and burial plans documented, etc.), they can spend only so much time with her. We will just have to see what happens as time goes on.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I helped both my parents a lot and a few friends until they died. However, I never had to perform 24-7 care and live with the people I was helping. At times it was stressful and difficult but I was happy to do it as it made the difference in all of them remaining independent as long as possible.

 

[Rianne]

I cared for my 92 yr. old mom while she lived in her house of 50 years. Saw her daily, took her to the grocery store, shopping, lunch, hairdresser. About 5 months before she passed she got pretty severe dementia. We went to a Christmas family gathering at my niece's house. All of us, her 5 kids, and grandkids were there. When we got in the car to go home she said to me, what a lovely party, who were all those people?

I then decided she should live with us. We had a CNA 8-16 hours a day. Especially at night. She would wake up, talk to deceased relatives, and try to walk around. We had to sleep as we were both working. It finally got serious, she was falling a lot. The hospice team got involved. They explained to us what her behavior will be like going forward. They were right on target. They really understand the end-of-life symptoms. We decided to take her to the nursing home where she survived for 2 weeks. She refused to eat there, hated the old people, and passed in her sleep.

She lived on her own into her 90s. In her early 80s, she traveled with us to Europe. Pretty impressive. She walked everywhere and was alert. I'm grateful to have had her all those years. She was really fun and up for anything.

 

[Gumby]

In a way, I was fortunate. My parents split up when I was 19 years old (they were only 38). They both remarried, to younger and healthier spouses who had their own kids from prior marriages, and I rarely saw them in the next 40 years before they both died in their own beds at home at 78. Their spouses dealt with the last couple of years as my parents were failing. If additional care had been necessary, my sister and brother would have dealt with it, since I live over 1000 miles away and have since I was 18. At most, my involvement would have been monetary, but even that was unnecessary.

 

[LateToFIRE]

Can you provide some examples of where to look for these professionals and specialists. I think I will need this type of team in the near future for the care of my mother-in-law.

* Hired an Eldercare Specialists/Consultants, in one case retired nurse, in other case retired Nursing Home Director
* Hired a Concierge physician for remote situation because did house calls / nursing home visits, and was available on cell ph 24/7
* Hired Estate Attorneys in planning/preparation for the inevitable, and also to sort out Healthcare Proxys, POA's and such, plus help deal with LTC insurance complexity
* Hired in-home care agency, found owner's experience to be invaluable, both in terms of care of parent and also LTC insurance issues

Hmm, good question, its been years since dealt with all this so memory is a bit fuzzy. In the remote situation, which was an urgent emergency situation, pretty sure I started with finding a local estate attorney because could see right away that I was going to need help taking control of bank accounts, credit cards, enforcing medical decisions, etc. And from there the attorney recommended the eldercare consultant (retired nurse) who could look in on (and act as a patient advocate) for my parent who was initially hospitalized, and help me make arrangements for in-home, and later nursing home care. The consultant, lol, was a force to be reckoned with - she had had a long career as a nurse before she retired and became a consultant. When she walked onto a hospital ward was like a drill sargent inspecting the barracks. Not only did she help my parent, but she taught me a lot too - I don't know how I could have managed without her strength and experience.

From there the consultant recommended an equally competent and passionate concierge physician, because it become clear to me that assisted living and nursing home facilities have a very limited physician presence - as in a Dr might show up once a week - if there is any kind of medical problem your parent gets sent straight to the emergency room, and then the whole cycle of finding an available spot and getting them re-situated in a long-term facility starts all over again - if your parent has a chronic condition that flairs up from time to time, this can be a continual merry-go-round (hospital -> nursing home -> hospital -> rinse/repeat).

Anyhow, I think you get the picture. Once you find any one of these professionals you like and trust, they can plug you into a whole network of other professionals, including the social workers and administrators at various facilities - it is definitely a professional community where they all know of each other. The key is to get the first choice right - someone who aligns with your values and standards, and who is willing to buck the system if need be and fight for you and your parent to receive the best care possible.

For example, the whole idea of a concierge physicians is not necessarily a popular one in the medical community - there were some other healthcare professionals we encountered that clearly felt that it is "unfair" for some patients to have "elitist" advantages others cannot afford. I was surprised, actually shocked, at this friction when I first encountered it. But, I sure wasn't going to let that stop me from getting the absolute best care I could get for my parent.

Hope that helps.

 

[pacergal]

stormy kromer and kingkarmann:
condolences on the loss of your parents.

 

[Jeffman52]

DW and I packed up all our belongings and moved from Georgia to Ohio about 6 years ago to help take care of her DF who was about 87 at the time. We found and bought a house about 5 minutes away from his so we could get there fast. At the time he just needed some physical help. Mowing grass, cleaning, minor repairs as needed, getting him to the grocery store and back. Taking him out to be social, going over there and doing cookouts, having him to our house. That kind of stuff. Things were about what we expected and we were grateful to be able to help. The last two years were a world wind of mental breaks from reality. Trying to drive his scooter 5 miles to my SIL's house. Telling us people were talking to him through his TV. Being brought home by a neighbor he didnt know when he tried to walk to the grocery store to get stamps to send off his "winning tickets". He called the cops one night about 11PM and told them he was waiting on someone to take him home (talking to them from his house of 50+ years). When we got there he said "Its uncanny, how much this place looks like my house".



We wanted so much to keep him in his house that I think we allowed things to go too long. We installed cameras in the living room and kitchen, and one on each exit door with motion detectors that would text us if it detected motion. All the cameras had audio so we could hear what was going on. That was a stop gap that gave us just a few more months really.



Finally there was no other choice but to move him into an assisted living apartment in June 2022. The one we found was really nice. He had his own place, and an aid would come through a number of times a day to check on him and ensure he took his meds. He settled in there pretty well. He loved going to cafeteria but he really never engaged with the other residents much. Then in Dec 2022 before Christmas he went with some of his friends to eat lunch at a local place. He picked up a cold that turned into Pneumonia. That threw him mentally off the rails where he was hallucinating. We got him stable but he lost ground. We got him back to his apartment and three weeks later he was back off the rails mentally and disturbing the other residents because he was having night terrors. Another trip to the emergency room to get him stable (he had picked up some kind of virus). From there it was straight to hospice. His dementia was in full swing. He was only lucid some of the time. We stayed with him full time the last two days as he got worse and worse and finally passed in late April 2023.


I was glad that we were able to come up and I know my wife will never regret those last few years with him. But once dementia sets it, its becomes an entirely new thing and is very difficult to watch as it takes over.

 

[ncbill]

Both my parents dead, now worried about my in-laws (mid-80s)

FIL hopes to go quickly, citing his after-age-75 kidney transplant & the couple dozen meds he MUST take daily.

I expect he'll be the one to bring up Hospice before his doctors will.

Wouldn't be surprised if MIL ends up living with us for awhile before heading off to a SNF.

Fortunately both have LTCi, inexpensive because it was bought decades ago.

 

[Markola]

I am very fortunate. My mother age 92 has lived many years in a a very nice CCRC. She has loved living there. About 18 months ago she got sick with Covid and since then she has been going downhill. She has moderate dementia and heart failure. She has caretakers morning and afternoon. I am her POA and spend a substantial amount of time managing her finances. My sister is her HCPOA and manages her caretakers and medication. The thing that has been taking most of my time is trying to get her long term care insurance to pay. So far the insurance company is refusing to pay.

I’m sorry you all are having a difficult time. As for the LTC insurance:
A). I’m curious if the CCRC is any help to you? The business office at my DM’s seems skilled at navigating these policies to achieve payment.
B) There’s a special place in hell for them for not paying when they are supposed to.

 

[SecondCor521]

My Mom passed away in 2016 in her own bed after about 9 months on hospice from idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. I was on a LOA from work and then FIREd about four months before she passed away. With her, I was able to visit regularly, take her on drives, meet with the hospice staff as needed, etc. I was in the room when she passed away on the phone with my sister. I called hospice and the cremation society.

My Dad is in AL at a CCRC with Alzheimer's/vascular dementia. My sister, BIL, and I moved him from independent living to AL in February. Shortly after, he had me take over all of his finances - bills, taxes, investments, credit cards, SS, etc. I coordinate his durable medical equipment, insurance, doctor visits. I communicate behind the scenes with my sisters, his GF, and the various medical folks to try to keep him safe. I visit him every week on Sunday, and usually nowadays talk to him on the phone most mornings and probably also stop over for something else during the week.

Of course, the CCRC med techs take care of a lot of the daily ADL help, medications, etc. I don't know how y'all managed to take care of family in your homes yourselves for any length of time - I think y'all who have done that are impossibly amazing saints.

As far as the other questions in the OP, I'm glad I have the resources, especially the time and mental bandwidth, to take care of them, since they took care of me growing up.

I probably am at the point where I can't leave my Dad for more than a day or two; my sister who lives one state over has said she'd be willing to give me respite if I needed it. Just having that offer helps me cope with the day-to-day. I'm sure my other sister, who lives on the East coast, would be willing to do the same if I really needed it.

I could travel if I wanted to but am mostly choosing not to. But not working and not traveling and taking care of a parent is nicer than working and not traveling and taking care of a parent. Also, for me, the "stopping work" decision was mostly separate and independent from the "taking care of parents" decision - they happened to occur simultaneously with my Mom, but that was just a coincidence. FIRE happened when it did because I had enough money and was fed up with my work situation.

 

[harllee]

I’m sorry you all are having a difficult time. As for the LTC insurance:
A). I’m curious if the CCRC is any help to you? The business office at my DM’s seems skilled at navigating these policies to achieve payment.
B) There’s a special place in hell for them for not paying when they are supposed to.

Yes mother's CCRC has helped but they say that delaying payment is pretty typical of most LTC insurance companies these days.

 

[LateToFIRE]

Yes mother's CCRC has helped but they say that delaying payment is pretty typical of most LTC insurance companies these days.

Had a similar experience with LTC policy - one of the reasons relied so much on lawyers and eldercare consultants when caring for now deceased parents. The questions they ask are a minefield of potential dead end answers that allow them to deny/delay payment - either they are not incapacitated enough, or they are not incapacitated in exactly the right way. Or if you qualify them too soon (can't recall the right terminology), the clock starts on the benefit period, which could expire before you've gotten paid as much as you could. There is a whole trick to starting and stopping benefits (and how often you can do that).

As with most things in life, aging and illness are not always a smooth, predictable, linear progression, and LTC policies seem to take maximum advantage (or should I say disadvantage) of that. Strikes me as especially cruel to take your money for years and years with the promise you'll be helped and then do everything in their power to stiff you at your weakest most vulnerable point.

 

[StillFiguringItOut]

My 92 year old mother passed away on Tuesday. I was her primary caregiver for the last two years. She was able to live independently until 2 months ago when she was diagnosed with leukemia. I am so glad I was FIRED so I could dedicate my time for her. Now I'm coming off the stress of fighting cancer with her and I am in a lot of physical pain. I was talking with a friend who lost his wife to cancer a few years ago and he told me he was in a lot of physical pain for 6 months after taking care of his wife at home.

I took care of my dad too, he passed at 90. I have an estranged brother that hasn't been around for years, it was easier without him because he stressed everyone out. He's fighting some addictions. Overall it has been a hard time, but it was my honor.

So sorry for your loss.

I hope you focus on yourself now as you say you are in physical pain. The first time I was involved in helping out with end of life of MIL nearby and brother 2500 miles away, the stress gave me shingles. The second time with end of life of DM and the subsequent executor needs, I ended up with a fortunately treatable (I hope) cancer discovered 3 months after DM passed.

 

[StillFiguringItOut]

So sorry for your loss Kingkarmann. Take care of yourself

 

[anethum]

My dad had vascular dementia which began at age 90. It was a gentle decline until he had a significant stroke at 94. He needed skilled nursing for 8 months before dying at home. That was probably more important for my mom than for him. I FIRE'd 3 years before he died when my mom increasingly needed help. I hated my job and decided I had enough of a cushion to FIRE. I live 10 minutes away from my parents' house.

Unfortunately, my mom's dementia began just 5 months after my dad's death. The first 18 months were hellish for me because mom would have "sundowning". Every single evening for 18 months, mom would call me as many as 5 times because she couldn't find my dad. Sometimes her next-door neighbor would call or text me because she would see my mom outside in the dark looking for my dad. That period ended when I found my mom on the floor one morning. She had fallen and broken her pelvis and a wrist. (She told me she had only been on the floor for an hour.) When she came home from successful rehab and was walking again, she accepted that she needed help to remain at home.

Mom had 24/7 caregivers at home for the next 6 1/2 years until her death at 101 in her home this year. She got wonderful care from a group of 4 women whom my dad's main nurse had worked with and recommended. (My dad's nurses came from an agency, but my mom's caregivers did not.) The 4 women made their own schedules with one another which permitted them to take time off whenever they needed to, and that also simplified my life. I tried to treat them well. My mom was not a difficult patient and her kind personality did not change as her dementia worsened.

All of this cost a fortune. However my parents had accumulated significant savings in retirement thanks to my dad's generous COLA'd pension with partial survivor benefits, plus Social Security. They received dad's full pension for nearly 40 years, and mom got a survivor pension for 8 1/2 more years. My parents' savings were definitely dropping, however. I just wanted to make sure that they didn't go below a certain level so that my mom would still be accepted by a decent nursing home if that became necessary. It worked out and I was able to avoid having to get a reverse mortgage on their home.

My only sibling and his wife also live just 10 minutes away, but they are both self-absorbed takers who refused to help in any way. We do not speak anymore. In fact, when mom died they were out of the country (or so they claim) and decided not to come back for the funeral.

When my dad's dementia worsened, my mom amended her revocable trust to make me the successor trustee instead of dad. So at least I now control that part of the process. However, I am now having to empty the house my parents lived in for 66 years. I intend to pay myself for this work out of the estate for every penny that state law permits. I don't care if I have to pay income tax on it.

Fortunately my parents weren't hoarders, but there is still a lot of stuff you accumulate in 66 years. There was little that either my brother or I wanted, so there have been no fights about that. I took my mom's recipes books (10 loose-leaf binders full of recipes she had cut out or written down). She was a fantastic cook. However, as her dementia worsened, she had no recollection of ever knowing how to cook.

Most of the original houses in my parents' neighborhood are teardowns when they're sold, so I only did enough work in recent years to keep the house liveable. I contacted all of the builders who buy houses in the area and I signed a contract on the house last week. No real estate agent or commission.
I still have many weeks to finish cleaning out the house, and the contract doesn't require me to completely empty it out. I told the caregivers they could take whatever they wanted from the house, and 2 of them jointly hired a U-Haul and took about 25% of the furniture and many of the kitchen items.

I've been handling my parents' finances for over 13 years. I've done their tax returns and I file required tax documents for the caregivers. I've been buying all of my mom's food and home necessities for 8 years, and have prepared her dinners and put them in her freezer since she started having caregivers. I either repaired or got someone to repair things in the house. In the early years of dementia when she still walked well, I would take her out to dinner once a month. I would take her to see doctors and to get her hair cut. I'd also occasionally take her to see her few remaining friends. They eventually died before she did.

She broke her hip at age 99 and didn't leave the house after that. She required a wheelchair and hospital bed from that point on. About 6 weeks after breaking her hip, her condition worsened and I called home hospice. When a nurse came to evaluate my mom to determine if she was eligible for home hospice care, the nurse said to me after seeing the setup in mom's bedroom, "You've been running a nursing home for the past 5 years." My mom improved and was discharged from home hospice care twice over 2 1/2 years. She started on home hospice care a 3rd time the day before she died.

I would have liked to have done a lot more traveling in the past 11 years. I wasn't totally stuck at home because the caregivers were excellent and were trustworthy. (I had fired one early on who wasn't trustworthy, and another who was lazy and caused problems for the others.) Covid diminished some frustration I felt about travel because I wouldn't have done much traveling in the first 2 years of Covid anyway. BTW, it was a minor miracle than none of the caregivers nor myself ever exposed my mom to Covid.

I had wonderful parents. It has been a lot of work, especially over the last 8 years, but I don't regret it. But after the house is sold next month, I will have the freedom to do whatever I want.

 

[Teacher Terry]

In a way, I was fortunate. My parents split up when I was 19 years old (they were only 38). They both remarried, to younger and healthier spouses who had their own kids from prior marriages, and I rarely saw them in the next 40 years before they both died in their own beds at home at 78. Their spouses dealt with the last couple of years as my parents were failing. If additional care had been necessary, my sister and brother would have dealt with it, since I live over 1000 miles away and have since I was 18. At most, my involvement would have been monetary, but even that was unnecessary.

Gumby, I find your story incredibly sad. I’m sorry you didn’t have a close relationship with your parents.

 

[aja8888]

My dad had vascular dementia which began at age 90. It was a gentle decline until he had a significant stroke at 94. He needed skilled nursing for 8 months before dying at home. That was probably more important for my mom than for him. I FIRE'd 3 years before he died when my mom increasingly needed help. I hated my job and decided I had enough of a cushion to FIRE. I live 10 minutes away from my parents' house.

Unfortunately, my mom's dementia began just 5 months after my dad's death. The first 18 months were hellish for me because mom would have "sundowning". Every single evening for 18 months, mom would call me as many as 5 times because she couldn't find my dad. Sometimes her next-door neighbor would call or text me because she would see my mom outside in the dark looking for my dad. That period ended when I found my mom on the floor one morning. She had fallen and broken her pelvis and a wrist. (She told me she had only been on the floor for an hour.) When she came home from successful rehab and was walking again, she accepted that she needed help to remain at home.

Mom had 24/7 caregivers at home for the next 6 1/2 years until her death at 101 in her home this year. She got wonderful care from a group of 4 women whom my dad's main nurse had worked with and recommended. (My dad's nurses came from an agency, but my mom's caregivers did not.) The 4 women made their own schedules with one another which permitted them to take time off whenever they needed to, and that also simplified my life. I tried to treat them well. My mom was not a difficult patient and her kind personality did not change as her dementia worsened.

All of this cost a fortune. However my parents had accumulated significant savings in retirement thanks to my dad's generous COLA'd pension with partial survivor benefits, plus Social Security. They received dad's full pension for nearly 40 years, and mom got a survivor pension for 8 1/2 more years. My parents' savings were definitely dropping, however. I just wanted to make sure that they didn't go below a certain level so that my mom would still be accepted by a decent nursing home if that became necessary. It worked out and I was able to avoid having to get a reverse mortgage on their home.

My only sibling and his wife also live just 10 minutes away, but they are both self-absorbed takers who refused to help in any way. We do not speak anymore. In fact, when mom died they were out of the country (or so they claim) and decided not to come back for the funeral.

When my dad's dementia worsened, my mom amended her revocable trust to make me the successor trustee instead of dad. So at least I now control that part of the process. However, I am now having to empty the house my parents lived in for 66 years. I intend to pay myself for this work out of the estate for every penny that state law permits. I don't care if I have to pay income tax on it.

Fortunately my parents weren't hoarders, but there is still a lot of stuff you accumulate in 66 years. There was little that either my brother or I wanted, so there have been no fights about that. I took my mom's recipes books (10 loose-leaf binders full of recipes she had cut out or written down). She was a fantastic cook. However, as her dementia worsened, she had no recollection of ever knowing how to cook.

Most of the original houses in my parents' neighborhood are teardowns when they're sold, so I only did enough work in recent years to keep the house liveable. I contacted all of the builders who buy houses in the area and I signed a contract on the house last week. No real estate agent or commission.
I still have many weeks to finish cleaning out the house, and the contract doesn't require me to completely empty it out. I told the caregivers they could take whatever they wanted from the house, and 2 of them jointly hired a U-Haul and took about 25% of the furniture and many of the kitchen items.

I've been handling my parents' finances for over 13 years. I've done their tax returns and I file required tax documents for the caregivers. I've been buying all of my mom's food and home necessities for 8 years, and have prepared her dinners and put them in her freezer since she started having caregivers. I either repaired or got someone to repair things in the house. In the early years of dementia when she still walked well, I would take her out to dinner once a month. I would take her to see doctors and to get her hair cut. I'd also occasionally take her to see her few remaining friends. They eventually died before she did.

She broke her hip at age 99 and didn't leave the house after that. She required a wheelchair and hospital bed from that point on. About 6 weeks after breaking her hip, her condition worsened and I called home hospice. When a nurse came to evaluate my mom to determine if she was eligible for home hospice care, the nurse said to me after seeing the setup in mom's bedroom, "You've been running a nursing home for the past 5 years." My mom improved and was discharged from home hospice care twice over 2 1/2 years. She started on home hospice care a 3rd time the day before she died.

I would have liked to have done a lot more traveling in the past 11 years. I wasn't totally stuck at home because the caregivers were excellent and were trustworthy. (I had fired one early on who wasn't trustworthy, and another who was lazy and caused problems for the others.) Covid diminished some frustration I felt about travel because I wouldn't have done much traveling in the first 2 years of Covid anyway. BTW, it was a minor miracle than none of the caregivers nor myself ever exposed my mom to Covid.

I had wonderful parents. It has been a lot of work, especially over the last 8 years, but I don't regret it. But after the house is sold next month, I will have the freedom to do whatever I want.

You should be proud of the way you took care of your parents. In my eyes, you are a saint.

 

[Act2]

The season of parental support is over for me as both DF and DM have passed. It was a very hard 6 years but not nearly so hard (or long) as some of those situations relayed by others on this thread. Am now winding down the estate (took another two+ years after the last parent died). And I still have some of their “stuff” at my home and in storage that I’m going through, tossing, donating. Siblings were wonderfully supportive but don’t live nearby. I’m glad I was able to be a support person for my parents so they were not alone. And I’m glad that they had the financial resources for a great CCRC, which helped a lot.

 

[frances]

I got my CNA to help my parents in 2009 at my mom's request. They had LTC insurance and since I was at their house anyway mom decided I should be compensated for being there. She also was a bit paranoid and didn't trust the hired caregivers. The LTC policies required a caregiver company, so that's why I got my CNA - to be an employee.
Dad died in 2013 7 years after a massive stroke. Was in AL for a while and eventually had dementia (we think) due to over-medication (self-inflicted) and the stroke.
Mom just died last November at age 91 after open heart surgery for an aortic aneurism the previous July. Just couldn't get off the vent. She had other caregivers a few hours a day, but I was the primary. I live down the street from her (don't think we could've been under the same roof honestly).
I managed all her appoinments, finances, etc. She was very OK financially.
The stress of her illness and her demands on me was very high and I now have some lingering health issues as a result.
To answer the original posted questions:
But you can't leave your aging parents for more than one day. How are you dealing with that? Correct. We really couldn't leave my mom for more than one day. We tried, but every time we planned something a health issue with her came up. The best we managed the last several years of her life were short day trips to the in-laws.

Or you would just continue to work since you can't travel anyway? I "retired" in 2002 so being a caregiver for my parents was never an issue in any way other than it taking time from my husband and children.

 

[Hermit]

Nope, I am the elderly parent and I am taking care of myself!

When that time comes, I don't want to put that burden on my daughter.

Same here on being the elderly parent. Duaghter plans to take care of me in my dotage. I had planned on finding an assisted living place close to her until the pandemic. I'm not too excited about a prison so I am no longer sure about such accomodations. Daughter is fully in charge if I loose what few marbles I still have. We will work it out when the time comes.

In-law parents are struggling with assuming care giver for his mother. They just moved to a house with a first level bedroom for the mother who is moving up from Texas.

 

[SALTedOut]

Not quite the same facts but my 81 MIL just lived with us for about 7 weeks following her knee replacement. She lives about 400 miles from us and is generally 100% self sufficient. However, she had no one to help her through the recovery. We got her through the rough weeks, took her to PT, made sure she did her exercises, added one more to our cooking routine, etc. She is now walking fine and can drive again. She left earlier this week to go back home.

 

[samcat]

My parents are 87. Both are still alive. Mom has full blown dementia but dad is there to take care of her. We had a scare a few weeks ago when he went to the emergency room for undiagnosed ailments. He came home that night but it made me realize how unprepared I am. I told her if he didn't come home that night, she could come stay with me and she said she didn't want to do that.

I am scared now. I have one brother but he is on the other side of the world so it is all on my husband and I.

Luckily they have enough resources to cover whatever costs come up for the rest of their lives.

 

[TXBev]

Agree! I'll be 86 this year, just sold my ranch because I'm tired of being on a tractor for hours and hours. I'm moving to the city to be closer to things and have neighbors again.
My children all have good happy lives, they don't need an old person to take care of. There will come a day so I carry Long Term Nursing home insurance with a 5% yearly inflation rider (got it long ago). That and my Social Security will cover most everything. I also have a prepaid funeral along with 'travel insurance'. Travel insurance would bring me home if I was out of state, etc.. I've seen several cases of where a parent moved in with a child and the parent had no rights. They want the Social Security income, one case they gave the man a cigarette allowance. Another case, the mother was to stay in her room most of the time. Nursing homes are not perfect, they are best if a family member can visit often.

 

[albireo13]

I did a few years back. I lost them and I miss them and I regret my impatience, my intolerance of their condition near the end.
It was not their fault. : (