Being a Caretaker for your Spouse

[harllee]

DH recently had total knee replacement surgery. After a couple of set backs he is doing OK but it is going to be a while before he can take care of himself and do things like drive etc. In the meantime I am his caretaker and it is about to run me ragged. I am age 70 and am starting to have health problems myself (especially my back). I am trying to figure out how to get help. I am trying to find a housekeeper (I would like one that is vaccinated), I am sending laundry out, I am trying to find a good grocery delivery service (tried Wegmans yesterday--they use Instacart and it was very expensive and they did not do a good job).

I know some of you are caretakers for your spouses and I was wondering if you have any suggestions for me. Thanks!

 

[skyking1]

stay on top of it harlee. It is easy to get beat down in this role so you are doing the right things. This is one place you saved for, it is not BTD to take care of yourself by getting good help.

 

[Sunset]

Sign up for meals on wheels (or other prepared meal delivery) for both of you, so you can skip making 1 meal per day.

I use online grocery shopping at Walmart, as then I just drive over to pick up. It's been great as a big time and effort saver. I feel having delivery just adds more opportunity for damaged/delayed orders.

Check local/county senior assistance website, often will list or point you to various providers.

 

[Jerry1]

Think of two things. That which he did that you need to do like say mowing the lawn. Farm as much of that stuff out as possible. Second, that which you now have to do to take care of DH - I don’t know, like help him in the shower. Farm out that to a care giver.

If you used to get the groceries and can’t now because someone needs to attend to DH, go get groceries while the care giver is at the house. You probably pay them by the hour, so take that time to do your own things that you need to do.

To be blunt, if money is tight, you’re in a bit of trouble. Then you need to get help from community services or church groups . . . Takes a lot more creativity to handle on a tight budget. Tap any and every resource you can think of.

There are also rehab centers. I’m sure they’re very expensive, especially if insurance doesn’t pay for any of it. But, maybe a week or two with professional rehabilitation services would be better that a month or more of winging it.

Wishing you strength during a rough time.

 

[MRG]

I just went through this when DW couldn't use her elbow after a blood test gone bad. The hand arm therapist told her not use the arm outside the therapy.

I make the messes and DW cleans up(I cook for us, she does the dishes and more). My hands are fingers were bad from winter and in miserable pain compounded by more things to put away and pick up. I started wearing gloves for everything just to not cause any more pain.

You already have more sense than me by posting here.

 

[pacergal]

If he is unable to do his own ADLs, perhaps his dr could order home health? That would give you a person to come 1-2 times a week to bathe him and in home OT/PT at least.

I you have amazon prime, you could do food delivery through them.
If your husband can be left alone for a bit, could you do grocery pickup rather than delivery? not sure if that changes the cost at all.
A housekeeper would help, I am hoping you are able to find one you like.

 

[dak2018]

It does not seem as though you need help with your spouse's medical issues, just general help for daily activities. If this is correct, a housekeeper might well fit the bill and be pretty reasonable in terms of cost.

When my Father's health failed, my parents ended up having a aide come in for a few hours each day to help with bathing and general house activities. This worked well and gave my Mother the ability to occasionally get out of the house and have some alone time. As I recall, the cost was $20 or so per hour in a HCOL area. I am sure that a housekeeper/assistant could have been had for less.

Everyone needs a break from being a caretaker on occasion, so even if this is only a 2 day per week thing, please figure out a way to fit it in your budget. No-one is served well by you falling ill due to the constant stress!

 

[harllee]

Thanks for all the good suggestions. DH is starting to be able to do somethings for himself, like dress himself, but I need to help him shower but he does not do that every day. I can leave him to run errands while the PT is here. As for groceries, i have done Walmart pick up all along and like it but right now with my back i cannot get the groceries from the car up the 5 steps and into the house so that is why I want to do grocery delivery. I am going to try Whole Foods/Amazon Prime next. Fortunately money is not a huge issue. I had a housekeeper I like pre Covid and I am trying to contact her but so far I have not been able to find her. We don't have any yard work so that is good.

I think I would be OK if my back had not started acting up (from having to lift DH's leg--fortunately he is lifting it now himself). I have a therapeutic message scheduled for tomorrow. I also have an appt with a back doctor but it is a month a way is the closest date I could get.

Friends and the Church have been bringing us meals so that is a blessing.

I have already told DH if he needs to have his second knee done he has to wait until we get into the CCRC (we are on the waiting list).

 

[YakGrl]

I have used a service called Senior Helpers to care for my family when needed. A few hours a day can really help to give you a break. I use a house cleaning company, and have used laundry drop off services. I have used medical transport companies for needed doctors appointments for family in wheelchairs. This can really help as you can injure yourself trying to get them into and out of the car and also the wheelchair. Order as much non-perishable things through Amazon delivered to the house as possible. This is likely a short term situation so ask for as much help as possible. Your doctors office may have referrals for help. Your local agency for aging may also have referrals.
This is a big gap in our current medical practices. Discharging patients home without enough medical and home help, and just assuming that family can do it all.

 

[Jerry1]

Friends and the Church have been bringing us meals so that is a blessing.

I would tap one of those friends to go with me on the grocery pick up to help you schlep the groceries into the house. Or, to be home when you get there.

Hang in there.

 

[Dtail]

My DGF just had surgery on Wednesday for a partial rotator cuff tear. Since it is her right
shoulder, I need to do many things for her.
I already do most of the cooking, all the laundry, investments, lawn and pool maintenance, so after a couple more days it will just be an add for me to drive her to appointments.
She has agreed to make them in the afternoon, so I can continue to play pickleball in the mornings.

Hang in there Harllee and make sure you attend to your back.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I would look to see that your local county/city senior services might be able to help with. My DD (who was in his mid to late 80s) took care of my DM for several years. It was pretty rough on him but there were some things that he got help with and we were able to get referrals/assistance through the county.

 

[audreyh1]

Honestly I would talk to his doctors office and have them connect me with a home health care service. Or go directly if necessary to a home health care service. Tell them what you need. They prefer a doctor be involved because it makes it easier to get Medicare to pay for some of it.

Anything that is physically taxing such as bathing or transport. Sitters too if you want to run some errands or just need a break.

After helping care for ailing parents, I will be getting help ASAP if either of us goes through a period of poor mobility. It’s too dangerous to the partner’s health otherwise.

 

[OldShooter]

Contact these guys: https://www.ncdhhs.gov/divisions/daas They may have resources for you. Also talk to your county government. If you don't know who to call there, start with "Adult Protection." That is not where you will end up but they should be able to point you.

 

[skyking1]

That's a good idea Jerry.

 

[ivinsfan]

Harllee.. who is your best vaccinated friend? Right now it's urgent you don't continue to stress your back. Call this friend and ask for help. Can they clean your bathroom, vaccum, take your phone to walmart and pickup and unload your groceries.


I've done these very things for a friend in a bad spot, just ask them.

 

[harllee]

Harllee.. who is your best vaccinated friend? Right now it's urgent you don't continue to stress your back. Call this friend and ask for help. Can they clean your bathroom, vaccum, take your phone to walmart and pickup and unload your groceries.


I've done these very things for a friend in a bad spot, just ask them.

All my friends are vaccinated but to be honest they are physically in worse shape than me! I did call on a 40 something friend to wheel the heavy trash and recycling cans to the curb.

I think for the time being i will use Molly Maids but they say they cannot ask their employees if they have been vaccinated. Grr...

 

[harllee]

Honestly I would talk to his doctors office and have them connect me with a home health care service. Or go directly if necessary to a home health care service. Tell them what you need. They prefer a doctor be involved because it makes it easier to get Medicare to pay for some of it.

Anything that is physically taxing such as bathing or transport. Sitters too if you want to run some errands or just need a break.

After helping care for ailing parents, I will be getting help ASAP if either of us goes through a period of poor mobility. It’s too dangerous to the partner’s health otherwise.

I have a contact for Home Health Services and they are having someone come by but Medicare will not pay since DH was not admitted to the hospital--they do knee replacement as out patient surgery now--isn't that the craziest thing you have ever heard of? But we can pay for a few hours a week without a problem. I would just feel much more comfortable if I knew these people coming into my house are vaccinated.

 

[harllee]

One specific thing I am having trouble with is wheeling the trash and recycling to the curb from the side of the house. They are these very large heavy cans that a truck picks up. They have to be out the night before and then have to be wheeled back beside the house by 7 pm the next day. I got a young friend to wheel them out last week. I guess I could hire a college kid but they would have to come twice--once to wheel out and once to wheel back. Any suggestions?

 

[EastWest Gal]

Any good neighbors to help wheel the trash out and back? Since they have to do the same for themselves, why not ask for a little help? We have helped our next door neighbors out for years and vice versa. It's a small but significant thing.

 

[38Chevy454]

x2 on ask a neighbor for help with the trash cans and also if neighbor can help with taking groceries in from the car. Seems those are the biggest problems for you besides the housekeeping and potentially some home care for DH.


I understand the concern about the housekeeper vaccinations, but if both of you have been vaccinated, the risk is quite low. Just get the housekeeping help to save your back. Same with the home care help for DH. You need some help and IMHO the risk is low if you are both vaccinated, the benefits of the help are needed now.

 

[MissMolly]

Find a neighbor kid you can pay a few $$$ to help with groceries/wheeling carts, etc. Some insurance plans (like mine) provide meal services for a short period (like 10 meals I think) following surgery. Maybe check your insurance plan?

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

One specific thing I am having trouble with is wheeling the trash and recycling to the curb from the side of the house. They are these very large heavy cans that a truck picks up. They have to be out the night before and then have to be wheeled back beside the house by 7 pm the next day. I got a young friend to wheel them out last week. I guess I could hire a college kid but they would have to come twice--once to wheel out and once to wheel back. Any suggestions?

It's very possible that whoever is responsible for the trash pickup will get it from your house. Our local municipality will do that by request and with our last home (contract trash, not municipality) they would also do it for a small fee ($5 a month if I recall).

+1 on not being too concerned about who is/isn't vaccinated. If you and your hubby are vaccinated, the risk is very, VERY low.

 

[Bamaman]

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. We're your age and my wife's had 7 surgeries in the last 3 years.

She's had the knee replacement, and she was pretty much back online in 6 weeks or so. Knees are a piece of cake compared to her latest surgery--mid foot fusion--which kept her in bed 8 weeks. It's an orthopedic surgeon's most dreaded surgery because of severe pain which controlled medications don't begin to alleviate.

And we have a 9 year old granddaughter to raise. I'm the full time cook and bottle washer. I should have had a career at the Waffle House as I start cooking when the school bus gets home @ 3:20 pm daily. I also feel like a cab driver--taking her to see doctors weekly.

Hopefully it won't be long until your DH can be up and around--including helping you. As far as the other knee goes, it can often wait unless the pain is just excessive. In the meantime, most of the grocery stores including Wegmans and even Aldi's now have delivery services

 

[harllee]

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. We're your age and my wife's had 7 surgeries in the last 3 years.

She's had the knee replacement, and she was pretty much back online in 6 weeks or so. Knees are a piece of cake compared to her latest surgery--mid foot fusion--which kept her in bed 8 weeks. It's an orthopedic surgeon's most dreaded surgery because of severe pain which controlled medications don't begin to alleviate.

And we have a 9 year old granddaughter to raise. I'm the full time cook and bottle washer. I should have had a career at the Waffle House as I start cooking when the school bus gets home @ 3:20 pm daily. I also feel like a cab driver--taking her to see doctors weekly.

Hopefully it won't be long until your DH can be up and around--including helping you. As far as the other knee goes, it can often wait unless the pain is just excessive. In the meantime, most of the grocery stores including Wegmans and even Aldi's now have delivery services

Bama, you have had it much worse than me--you deserve a star! A wife and a granddaughter to take care of!