Brother's Keeper

[Mdlerth]

Day 5 and counting

My house-guest, "Sheridan" (not his real name), will be departing my home on 19 July.

My reasoning goes like this. It will be six weeks, which should be ample time for Sheridan to graduate from the walker to crutches. Crutches mean he can navigate stairs, even if only very slowly. Climbing stairs means he could move back into his condo.

If he still can't manage on crutches, then he is not progressing on his own as he ought to, and will need to move into an inpatient rehab facility where he can benefit from more vigorous professional therapy.

For years Sheridan has kept lovebirds to whom he has grown very attached (think "crazy cat lady" but with parakeets instead of Persians). His pets now are staying with our other relative, Ophelia (not her real name), who has experience with tiny parrots. This was one point on which I was immovable: the birds do not come to my house; I have two dogs who would see those feathered hors d'oeuvres as prey and sooner or later there would be trouble. Anyway, Sheridan misses his babies.

On 20 July, DW and I will be leaving on vacation. The house will be vacant. If at that time Sheridan can't manage himself independently, then it wouldn't be safe to leave him alone for a week. He'd have to go someplace else where there will be somebody to attend him.

If he can manage himself independently, then he can do it somewhere which will enable him to reunite with his pet birds.

Sheridan has accepted this timeline, although nobody will be surprised if he resists when the date nears.

 

[Teacher Terry]

So glad you have a plan.

 

[Potstickers]

I'm not allergic, just sensitive to it. Here's another one, smoke gets in their clothes, then they bring that smell inside. If they were wearing a coat, the smell is in their coat, and any coats hanging by it picks up that smell.

Just not something I want to deal with, if I have a choice. At my house, I have more than a choice, I have a say in the matter. In fact, I have the say.

Smokers do not understand how much they smell of smoke even when they are not smoking.

While I don't love the way airlines have taken away legroom, I'll still take cramped seating over the old pickle-you-in-disgusting-smoke that we used to have. Or the idiocy of row 22 being non-smoking, and row 23 starting the smoking section.

 

[Teacher Terry]

If you could still smoke on a plane I wouldn’t be able to fly. It’s like a no peeing section of a pool.

 

[RunningBum]

Smoking is a very powerful addiction. My sister smoked heavily until finally succeeded in quitting for good at 60. She never smelled like smoke because she changed her clothes every day and never smoked in her bedroom. If you do that your clothes absorb the smoke. I am not saying that the guy is not a pain however telling someone that they cannot smoke outside once they arrive is not right. You need to tell them in advance because I guarantee that a addicted person will just not suddenly see the light and instantly quit smoking. If they did they would probably be so unpleasant you would be begging them to start again. So you tell them ahead of time and I guaranteed they will make other arrangements. Luckily I never smoked but I have been on that journey with many and it’s not easy.

I agree this should be settled in advance, though what you asked was why anyone would have an issue with someone smoking outside. A few of us answered that.

Any condition should really be spelled out in advance, but the powerful addiction of smoking makes that really important to lay out the rules before agreeing to anything. If I neglected to do that in advance, or didn't know the person was a smoker, I'd let them smoke outside but if it got to me, I'd also tell them they need to look to make other arrangements pretty quickly. If that couldn't happen I'd live with my commitment, but I would bet it would fester into other problems as I'd be less patient with them for any other shortcomings. If they can't go outside, that would probably mean they can't get up to use the bathroom either, and that would be beyond the care I could or would provide.

 

[gwraigty]

Smoking is a very powerful addiction. My sister smoked heavily until finally succeeded in quitting for good at 60. She never smelled like smoke because she changed her clothes every day and never smoked in her bedroom. If you do that your clothes absorb the smoke. I am not saying that the guy is not a pain however telling someone that they cannot smoke outside once they arrive is not right. You need to tell them in advance because I guarantee that a addicted person will just not suddenly see the light and instantly quit smoking. If they did they would probably be so unpleasant you would be begging them to start again. So you tell them ahead of time and I guaranteed they will make other arrangements. Luckily I never smoked but I have been on that journey with many and it’s not easy.

I lived in a smoking household for 28 years. I smoked for a brief period of time while living there, only about one year, maybe half a pack a day. I quit cold turkey. I felt like punching my fist through a wall for about 3 days. It slowly got easier after that.

After I moved into a non-smoking environment, the smell of smoke on other people really hit me strongly. It does become obvious to a non-smoker. It has nothing to do with whether or not they change their clothes daily or smoke in their bedroom. The smoke permeates the entire house. Walls can become discolored from the nicotine stains. When I moved some furniture out, my husband and I stored it upstairs in the loft in our home at the time. Whenever I went up there, the smell of stale smoke was obvious. It took years before the smell was gone.

When I'd go back to my childhood home to visit my grandparents, within 5 minutes, I'd start having a reaction, despite having lived there in a constant cloud of smoke for 28 years. My voice would get hoarse and my nose would run.

We have no issue with letting guests smoke outside, but we don't allow smoking in our home. I don't have any ashtrays, but I've gladly provided a spare coffee mug to use. I'll try to sit with them, upwind. If someone doesn't want to allow smoking anywhere on their property though, I believe they have that right.

 

[Mdlerth]

Coffin nails

Neither DW nor I smoke cigarettes. We will occasionally host guests who smoke, so we discreetly supply ashtrays outside for their use. Ashtrays containing cooled cigarette butts are emptied into metal cans and discarded.

It's a far cry from when I was a kid and smoking was routine. In the military they issued cigarettes in daily ration packs; my father took up smoking when he was in the Air Force in the 1950s. He quit after the surgeon general's report came out around 1964. My mom never smoked.

But I have two sisters and one brother who are lifelong smokers. I file this under the category of Not Important Enough To Start Arguments Over. There are enough IEDs in the family minefield without stepping on that one.

 

[Teacher Terry]

RB, I am just surprised that some people won’t accommodate outside smoking. It’s certainly their right to do so. I have good reasons with my allergies and asthma affected but I see outside as reasonable. I provide a tin can for butts.

 

[gwraigty]

My reasoning goes like this. It will be six weeks, which should be ample time for Sheridan to graduate from the walker to crutches. Crutches mean he can navigate stairs, even if only very slowly. Climbing stairs means he could move back into his condo.

My daughter had major foot surgery last year. She couldn't put any weight at all on it for 3 months, so she had to learn to use crutches at the start to get to the bathroom. (She probably would have loved to be able to use a walker.) She required a lot of assistance for months, but when it was safe to put a little weight on it, she learned to butt-scoot up and down the stairs to get to the shower. I don't think crutches are recommended for stairs, unless only using one. One little slip or misstep, especially going down...

If crutches are a problem, maybe a knee scooter? Not on stairs, of course.

 

[braumeister]

My house-guest, "Sheridan" (not his real name), will be departing my home on 19 July.

You, sir, are a [-]patsy[/-] saint. I think you're being extremely generous with that timeline.

 

[Cassius King]

I would have made the deadline at least a couple of days earlier than the day before I leave for vacation. Do you plan on leaving for vacation with him still in your house?

 

[HtownRose]

Best wishes for being such a helpful relative & hope he is gone sooner rather than later!

IMO the Cain & Abel story is not meant to tell us we should be our brother's keeper, & I don't believe that is a command to us unless there is a particular circumstance in which he is disabled in some way & we take over for our parents taking care of him - a way of honoring our parents which is a command.

When Cain was asked where his brother was, he knew exactly where he was because he had murdered him. "Am I my brother's keeper?" was a way of answering the question by not answering it, like "How should I know? He's a grown man, he goes where he pleases, why are you asking me?"

I was taught the reason Abel was favored over Cain was that Abel's sacrifice was acceptable, meaning it was the sacrifice that was commanded - an animal was killed. Cain's sacrifice was some sort of plant or produce, & though there were grain offerings instituted later, it was apparently not acceptable at this time. The first sacrifice for the sin of Adam & Eve was the death of animals to make the skins to clothe them - without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sin in that system.

 

[gwraigty]

I love OP's use of the Cain/Abel story in the context of his situation. Well done, Mdlerth! I hope I'm not overstepping here. No offense meant regarding post #62, but turning this into a Bible discussion doesn't sit well with me, and I'm a Christian. I'd hate to see the mods have to close this highly interesting and entertaining (thanks to OP's sense of humor) discussion. There's so much to learn in even the most off-beat topics. A snip from the community rules (bolding mine):

Although we don't have a laundry list of inappropriate topics, discussion of subjects such as politics (unless directly related to early retirement), gun rights, religion and abortion rarely end well. For this reason the moderation team may close or remove discussions of these topics

Hoping to hear regular updates from now through July 19.

 

[Mdlerth]

Probably ought to work on upper body strength

My daughter had major foot surgery last year. She couldn't put any weight at all on it for 3 months, so she had to learn to use crutches at the start to get to the bathroom. (She probably would have loved to be able to use a walker.) She required a lot of assistance for months, but when it was safe to put a little weight on it, she learned to butt-scoot up and down the stairs to get to the shower. I don't think crutches are recommended for stairs, unless only using one. One little slip or misstep, especially going down...

If crutches are a problem, maybe a knee scooter? Not on stairs, of course.

Knee-scooters only work when the boo-boo is south of the knee. Not applicable here; Sheridan's leg is braced from hip to ankle. He, too, was told 3 months before putting weight on it, but crutches will isolate a leg from weight-bearing. As does butt-scooting, which has the added benefit of being entertaining to watch!

I would have made the deadline at least a couple of days earlier than the day before I leave for vacation. Do you plan on leaving for vacation with him still in your house?

Absolutely not. If he's still helpless, it wouldn't be safe for him to be left alone that long. If he's not helpless, he needs to resume his life in his own house.

No doubt about it, he was badly damaged and needs an opportunity to heal. I want to give him that opportunity. The collision wasn't his fault. But no matter who's at fault, Sheridan needs to exert some effort on his own behalf. I've seen his act often enough to know he will dodge personal responsibility at every turn. Perhaps being able to reunite with his birds will prove sufficient incentive for him to man up.

 

[pacergal]

Mdlerth--You are doing the right thing for family, and have an exit plan, based on expected healing. Remember to take time for yourself to de-stress and keep us updated.

 

[Nature Lover]

Mdlerth,

Glad to see you have a plan and Sheridan accepts it. Agree with your realistic view that he might resist if forced to go when time expires (that type of outcome is common in cases like this). Now that this important step has been taken, I hope you and your wife can return to a little more normal state of being. Take care of yourselves and continue to do what in your hearts feels right.

NL

 

[Moemg]

Just say you have the exterminator coming while you are away to bomb the house for bugs.

 

[Silver]

Given the accommodations you have provided, I would have at least used "Hilton" as his pseudonym rather than "Sheridan."

Just sayin.....

 

[Ginny]

You might also schedule a wood floor refinishing or whole house fumigation a few days before vacation! That worked for me once!! Good Luck! HA! HA!

 

[jollystomper]

Given the accommodations you have provided, I would have at least used "Hilton" as his pseudonym rather than "Sheridan."

Just sayin.....

Or, better, "Sheraton"?

 

[Amethyst]

I think Cain loves Abel, despite his impressive array of flaws, that's what I think.

 

[Ger0n1mo]

Mdlerth, I have a brother like your relative. Perhaps we are related!

Just remember, God chose your family... Thank God you can choose your friends.

 

[googily]

I have to admit that I wish the deadline were sooner, because I don't want to wait that long to see whether Sheridan rises to the challenge!

You are a better creature than I--no way I could have someone staying with me for that long. Introverts gonna introvert.

 

[Mdlerth]

Maybe He created my relatives as a prank

Just remember, God chose your family...

Humanity is evidence that The Lord has a sense of humor

 

[Bestwifeever]

My house-guest, "Sheridan" (not his real name), will be departing my home on 19 July.

....

I like what you did there! “Sheridan”...