Dating While Pursuing FI

[Fedup]

So … in a developing relationship when is the earliest that you can get financially naked with your partner? Unfortunately, this is usually weeks or even months after getting physically naked. You don’t want to make a substantial investment of time, money, and energy in a budding relationship only to discover that your partner is a financial disaster. As others have pointed out, you can’t rely on external appearances as a gauge of financial health - there are lots of big-spending pretenders out there.

Fortunately, the situation isn’t as bad as it appears. If you share your near- and long-term financial plans with any potential partners early in the budding relationship, the women who don’t find “austerity today in exchange for early retirement tomorrow” appealing will hopefully exit stage-left, allowing you to pursue more compatible partners.

Good luck. It’s a jungle out there!

I never shared anything, it’s my money, my business.

 

[dvalley]

At 47, I started dating the person who would later become my wife. I was ~90% of the way to FI. I was concerned about the potential impact of marrying someone with no resources, or who loved to spend money. As we dated, I found out she had paid cash for her new condo, and had some savings. She was frugal, and never once asked how much $ I was worth. I was living in a similarly-priced condo, and driving an Xterra. I found out when she divorced her first husband, she did not ask for alimony or a settlement. Naive, but refreshing. Anyway, I trusted her enough to marry her, and her having some assets (~25% of the value of mine) made it easier. In some states, I'd strongly suggest a prenup. My parents divorced near what would have been their 48th wedding anniversay.

What a lucky man - and what a classy lady, I have the utmost respect for people like that. My ex fought tooth and nail for everything she could possibly get out of me when all she contributed financially was debt and student loans which I naively paid off for her (in my mid 20s)

I've since vowed to never get married again. I feel the cheating spouses and divorce laws have ruined marriages forever and most people now are foregoing it...sad.

 

[HI Bill]

I have the utmost respect for people like that. My ex fought tooth and nail for everything she could possibly get out of me

Sorry for your bad experience. I guess if you're older and well-established, the only way to be sure is to find someone with similar assets, and nail-down a prenup. See how someone lives (and spends money), so that you're compatible. I've seen so many people in Southern CA with an "Orange County" lifestyle that they can't afford...they're in debt up to their eyeballs, driving fancy cars, and living in beatiful homes they financed, without having any savings or investments. Best wishes!

 

[Helena]

Stand in front of YMOYL in the library and check out whomever checks it (or books nearby) out?

lol

Or check out the women who are interested in the personal finance section at the local bookstore.

I was recently at the local "Half-Price" used book store and they had a nice display of Dave Ramsey books.


Learn to discern which kind of women are "high maintenance."

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[Franklin]

I'm a 33-year-old single guy living in the NYC metro area and working really hard to reach FI in 10-15 years. I could probably happily retire single but it'd be nice to have company. But I'm having trouble finding a woman who shares my commitment to frugality (LBYM) and is either pursuing FI or could be easily converted. Most around here seem to be obsessed with spending and men who spend (fancy clothes, fancy restaurants, fancy cars, expensive shows, etc.).


Any tips on finding FI-friendly partners? And, assuming you were in my shoes, how would you figure out whether the person has compatible finances and goals? Thanks!

Best way to stay on track is to date older ladies who already have FI. They are capable of picking up the tab and likely understand your situation.

 

[Helena]

So … in a developing relationship when is the earliest that you can get financially naked with your partner? Unfortunately, this is usually weeks or even months after getting physically naked. You don’t want to make a substantial investment of time, money, and energy in a budding relationship only to discover that your partner is a financial disaster.

Unfortunately, that's the way of modern degenerate society,
people willingly share their bodies... but not their credit scores.

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[Helena]

Best way to stay on track is to date older ladies who already have FI. They are capable of picking up the tab and likely understand your situation.

Most of those older women themselves are frugal and wary of young gigolos.


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[FIREd]

My plan is to live a pretty average lifestyle to not attract the wrong kind of attention... to never share my financial situation with anyone... and to never get married or commingle my finances with anyone ever again. An arrangement like W2R’s (separate homes, separate finances) would be perfect!!

 

[anonymous_fred]

Any tips on finding FI-friendly partners? And, assuming you were in my shoes, how would you figure out whether the person has compatible finances and goals? Thanks!

I'm close to your age and started dating a few years ago after a long marriage. I totally get where you're coming from. I used OKCupid, along with a couple other sites, for online dating. Over the course of 9 months I met ~100 women before meeting the lovely lady I've now been dating for a couple years. Needless to say I learned a lot during those 9 months... With my ex-wife we were able to develop our habits together, slowly, over time. It's a real challenge finding someone later in life after they've set their course.

OF COURSE there are countless exceptions to this, but I found that you can tell a lot about someone's lifestyle from their profile. If they have pictures with horses or list "travel" as one of their hobbies, they probably aren't planning to FIRE. Likewise if their pictures are at a dance club or a resort. Or if they look overly made up.

My girlfriend had a couple hiking pictures and listed 'personal finance' as a hobby. That was a good sign. I was thrilled on our first date to see that she doesn't wear makeup or jewelry. Both are major pet peeves of mine. She has a professional career but drove a car that cost $20K 10 years ago. It was pretty easy to tell that she was living well below her means (and I mean that in a good way!)

After a couple months we started discussing finances and I think we were both happy to find that this relationship was likely to accelerate FIRE for both of us, rather than hinder it.

I don't think there's any magic "tell", but in the online dating world there are a lot of filters you can apply to separate the wheat from the chaff. Probably wouldn't hurt to even put in your profile that you plan to retire early and are looking for someone who shares that goal.

 

[Amethyst]

Yeah, we have read enough tales of lonely old women, hornswoggled out of their savings by poseurs on the Internet.

Most of those older women themselves are frugal and wary of young gigolos.


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[anonymous_fred]

Ummm, wow. Sounds like you view women as the enemy- going to be hard to have a relationship that way. No one in my group of friends talks about men that way- and I have never thought of a man in terms of a meal ticket.

I don't think it's a matter of viewing women as the enemy. It is, unfortunately, reality and important for both men and women to recognize. In my area of the country there are plenty of men who are unemployed, I mean self-employed artists. It works both ways, and you've got to learn to recognize and deal with that type of person.

 

[Helena]

Yeah, we have read enough tales of lonely old women, hornswoggled out of their savings by poseurs on the Internet.

"American Greed" and "ID/Discovery" have had plenty of episodes.

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