Death of a spouse...and a different story...

[ivinsfan]

On Andres stepdad and the comment he made. Context matters and I don't see the SD's comment as mean or unkind. The spouse of a dying person goes through a lot physically ( stress wise) and mentally.



I think a lot of these should/would comments come from each of our pasts which doesn't make them wrong or right, it just makes them honest.



Our local church much beloved pastor lost his wife after a very difficult 5 year struggle with cancer...her death was long and very harsh. The poor guy absolutely has PTSD. He has literally 100's of people who would do anything for him, but sadly this is a road you have to travel alone.

 

[ivinsfan]

I don't think there's an age limit for monsters. And often, they become more monstrous AS they age.

Just pointing out that's a pretty harsh term to use about a member of your family. it doesn't show much grace.

 

[brett]

When my step MIL became a widow she swore that she would not re-marry ag Let alone have any romantic interest.

Two years later she met someone on a church trip to Ireland. Married him several months later. It was good for both of them and they were both very happy for the years that they had left.

 

[njhowie]

Just pointing out that's a pretty harsh term to use about a member of your family. it doesn't show much grace.

Thank you for your opinion.

 

[Toast]

Life with DW has been special in many ways, but the main thing we share is that we grew up together. I was 20 and she was 24. We both lived at home until we got married. We’ve both shared our money 100%. No separate accounts. We are one. That could never happen again.

DH and I have known each other since elementary school and been married over 30 plus years. People often say that we are the most in love and happiest couple they have ever known. We have a lifetime of shared memories and experiences. DH and I even received our first communion and were confirmed at the same time. Everything we have has been built together. Truly best friends and soulmates.

There is zero chance either of us will ever remarry. For us, marriage is forever not just until death. Some of this is related to the way we were raised. Not a single relative on either side of our families has ever lost a spouse and remarried.

 

[dmpi]

I live in a 55+ community in central Florida, and I have several friends who have lost their spouses, both female and male.

Almost to a man, the gentlemen do not want to be alone, and wish to find someone to date or marry. All my single female friends do not want any romantic relationships, but are happy to have platonic male friends.

One male friend told me that he finds it confusing when a woman is friendly toward him. He begins to think that they may be interested in him for a romantic relationship, until he asks them for a date and they decline....and then the friendship becomes awkward for a time. He wanted to know how to avoid this in the future. How can you tell a woman might be interested in more than just a friendship, he asked.

My suggestion is to just talk to them about what they want for their future before asking for a date. Perhaps just mention that you wouldn't mind dating someone, and ask if they know of anyone that might be a good match. I'm keeping my eye out for him, but so far no luck. All the women I know are not interested in any romance at this time in their lives.

Emotions is a subjective nebulous concept. Often people don't know what they want. They just live in the moment. Also some women just like the chase and feeling of empowerment of getting you to ask them out. But once you ask them out, they suddenly don't really want to go out with you.

 

[Silver]

Emotions is a subjective nebulous concept. Often people don't know what they want. They just live in the moment. Also some women just like the chase and feeling of empowerment of getting you to ask them out. But once you ask them out, they suddenly don't really want to go out with you.

Yes...I agree that could happen.... with both men and women.

 

[ivinsfan]

Emotions is a subjective nebulous concept. Often people don't know what they want. They just live in the moment. Also some women just like the chase and feeling of empowerment of getting you to ask them out. But once you ask them out, they suddenly don't really want to go out with you.

In the setting of later life widows and widowers, it's probably more likely that all parties male and female are just taking one day at a time. When you have spent the last 40 to 50 years with a partner, being without a partner means relearning all opposite sex interactions. But I give all props to those who try.

 

[pacergal]

Both of my Grandmothers were married three times, outlived each husband.

My Dad did not date, go out or anything after my mom died.

DH and I have discussed life after one of us dies, we both believe wholeheartedly that we will not remarry. We've been together since age 17.
Never say never, but I just can't see being with anyone, or have the desire to live with/marry anyone else.

 

[Souschef]

I am sort of like Jerry1's dad. I divorced my first wife. My second wife passed away after 30 years of marriage.
I have been married to my 3rd wife for 16 years and hope for many more.

 

[rodi]

After my mom's 3+ year battle was lost my dad was devastated, but also somewhat emotionally prepared. As he put it, he's started the mourning process more than a year earlier. And he was lonely. He started putting himself out there, going to bridge clubs, volunteering as an usher at local theaters, etc. Every woman he asked out for coffee made it clear they had *no* interest in anything more than friendship because they didn't want to take care of a man. Then he met Evy, and they fell in love. They moved in together about a year after my mom passed. They never got married because they both had survivor benefits for pensions. But they formalized as registered domestic partners. My sister and I were thrilled for dad because he was in love and super happy. Didn't hurt that Evy was amazing. My brother didn't understand and it caused a huge rift between my dad and him.

I would probably not remarry, but I expect hubster would.

 

[Sunset]

On the other side of that coin, one of my neighbors has been through five husbands. Never divorced; they just kept dying on her. She's a very nice person, so it's understandable that she attracted them, but she says she is definitely done with that now.

No kidding, the FBI might start to get suspicious

 

[Sunset]

After my Dad died age 64.9 yrs, having been disabled for 10 years. Mom did her usual social clubs and started to travel which was great !

I told her it was fine to re-marry, but she said she wasn't interested, and stuck to it. Maybe she finally felt free and didn't want to be a caretaker anymore ?

Weirdly, there was a fellow in her apt condo complex, who looked a LOT like Dad, it was actually kinda creepy to me. He was really nice and I had hopes he would get picked by Mom, but it never happened.

 

[jazz4cash]

I think many folks here underestimate how attractive they are to seniors that are not financially secure. A guy I know casually was in a common law situation for many many years but when he was hospitalized for a bit they realized she was financially dependent so they got hitched in the hospital. I am sure there are other ways he could have ensured she would be OK but marriage was quick and easy.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Friend of ours story:

DH and I met in a teenage square dance group. This square dance group created lifelong friends and many couples along the way. The couple that ran the group had two children in the group and one of them married a fellow square dancer in the group, a long child free marriage. Anyway, the wife died 10-15 years ago after a long illness. During that time they made friends with a widow, who became somewhat partnered with the husband. With the wife's blessing, knowing she was dying, the widow supported them through her illness, and he began his life with her shortly after the wife passed away.

He has never remarried, but they have continued their companionship, both moving back closer to his family after an AZ retirement, and continue to travel together throughout the country and internationally, even though he is in his late 80s.

I'll be married 40 years in 2024. I would never remarry, and honestly would not want another romantic relationship.

 

[Sunset]

I think many folks here underestimate how attractive they are to seniors that are not financially secure. A guy I know casually was in a common law situation for many many years but when he was hospitalized for a bit they realized she was financially dependent so they got hitched in the hospital. I am sure there are other ways he could have ensured she would be OK but marriage was quick and easy.

I know I of a woman, she was friends with a fellow and then he was diagnosed with quick acting cancer.
She told me at the hospital he decided to marry her, even though he had only a week at that point left.
It was basically his gift to her, a great pension and some inheritance.
They married in his hospital room.

 

[Tom57]

I really like the quote "Women mourn and men replace" and have never heard it before. My first wife died after 31 years of marriage (I was 52) from cancer. I remarried 2 years later and have been married again for 21 1/2 years and counting. My mother died after 27 years of marriage and my father also remarried to a widow for about 10 years until he died. I have 2 older brothers, 1 who died after 60 years of marriage, and the other brother's wife died after 48 years of marriage. My youngest sister became a widow after 23 years of marriage. No one of my siblings ever remarried.
I distinctly remember reading a lot of grief books in 2000 when my first wife died about not remarrying for 2 years because of the probability that the next marriage would fail. I don't know if that advice holds for 75+-year-old people.

 

[athena53]

I think many folks here underestimate how attractive they are to seniors that are not financially secure.

Yep. My Grandpa remarried less than 2 years after Grandma died. His second wife was in such financially desperate straits (her late husband had selected a pension with no survivor benefit, which she found out only after he died) that her family later told one of our family members that they were grateful he "took her off their hands".

I'm widowed, no intention of remarrying. Most of the widows I know are free of obligations for the first time in their lives (other than paying the bills and complying with HOA regulations) so if money isn't a problem they may enjoy their independence. It's also one thing to be caregiver to a husband after a long-term marriage; I wouldn't want to do it again 2 years after the wedding.

 

[Andre1969]

One of my former neighbors just popped into my mind. Her first husband died in 2003, at the age of 75. Apparently she liked 'em older, as she was 13 years younger.

Eventually, she got remarried, but I forget the year now. I do remember talking to the guy in 2012, and he said he had been in WW2. I don't think he ever told me how old he was, but at that point, WW2 had ended almost 67 years prior, so I figure he had to have been at least in his 80s. I know it was common for people to lie about their age to get into the military back then. Could it be conceivable that a 15 year old might have joined the military, in 1945, and fought at the end? If so, that would put him at being born in 1929-30?

Anyway, he had to have been at least a decade older than her. Well, surprise of surprises, she died in 2022, at the age of 81, yet the old man is still alive! I feel kinda bad for him; he was always a nice old guy. But, they were living together, in her house, and when she died, her kids got it. And they wanted the old man, and his half-wit, deadbeat son out of there ASAP.

I don't know whatever became of him, but that has to be rough, being uprooted in your 90's, and not really having anything to fall back on. I heard he was moving about 20-30 miles away, and renting a room. Meanwhile, the son, who had to have been in his 60's, was set to become homeless.

 

[Northforker]

DH and I have known each other since elementary school and been married over 30 plus years. People often say that we are the most in love and happiest couple they have ever known. We have a lifetime of shared memories and experiences. DH and I even received our first communion and were confirmed at the same time. Everything we have has been built together. Truly best friends and soulmates.

There is zero chance either of us will ever remarry. For us, marriage is forever not just until death. Some of this is related to the way we were raised. Not a single relative on either side of our families has ever lost a spouse and remarried.

I understand your experience. We are from a rural midwest farming community. DW and I started dating when we were 16, we will celebrate our 44th anniversary this August, we have been through just about everything life can throw at us, TOGETHER. We have worked, traveled , moved, raised kids, buried loved ones, and helped each other through success and failures, I pray she outlives me because I would be hopeless, miserable, and lost without her.

 

[Taco]

…Every woman he asked out for coffee made it clear they had *no* interest in anything more than friendship because they didn't want to take care of a man...

Several posts have a similar theme as above.

Is the “don’t want to take care of a man” in general (as in not wanting to spend the rest of their life cooking and cleaning for some guy) or is it more wanting to avoid end of life care (because women expect to live longer)?

If it is the former, I would think that might be somewhat generational. The idea that the wife does the cooking / cleaning is outdated amongst our married friends in their 50s - most of which are duel income situations.

 

[frayne]

I'm 72 and DW is 69 and if anything ever happens to her, I'm going after an 18 year old gymnast with special skills. Life is short and no one really cares so enjoy!

 

[aja8888]

Interesting thread and interesting stories.

Many of you know I lost my wife of 28 years (2nd one) in late 2022. She had COPD for her last 7 years and finally died in a skilled care facility just after turning 77. I took care of her daily as she was mostly bedridden after years of breathing meds and steroids. Her bones were turned into mush, she could hardly walk, and lost 4" in height in the last two years. Basically, she was bedridden for the last year or so and I was the full time caretaker. I loved her dearly and I was a mess when she passed, even though it was obviously soon to happen.

I was such a mess for a couple of months that I had a hard time functioning on a daily basis, plus I lost 30 pounds. She was clearly my soulmate and I was lost. Our local pastor and his staff (and some of my friends) were helpful in getting me back on some sort of track.

We were living in a beautiful home in a 55+ community and I just could not stand to be there anymore. So, I bit the bullet and sold the house. I ended up living with my daughter and her husband for three months before buying a smaller house in the next town. Our dog and I were to move in on September 12th and the day before we closed, our 10 year old dog was diagnosed with bladder cancer and I had to have him put down. I was bummed again.

Well, that's the story, and it's been a tough year for me. But, I somehow managed to stay busy, get moved, get rid of 75% of our "stuff" and start a new life, of sorts.

Oh, I also got another dog, a rescue, a mixed 1 1/2 year old Terrier/Schnauzer and he is a handful (LOL).

With respect to my "status", I had not thought much about finding another female mate/friend yet, and I may not. I know a few widows in my new neighborhood the are casual friends and appear to be FI, but I look at them as just friends. I met them at a recent neighborhood holiday party.

In my old neighborhood, I had been invited to a couple of holiday parties in the last two weeks and I have attended. Those parties were "light" men since the widows outnumber the men in that community by a big margin. In all, I probably know 20+ widows/divorced women in my age group that could be viewed as available for a relationship with a man. But at this point, I have no desire to initiate any kind of interest in being other than a friend or neighbor.

I have thought about initiating a search for another female to share the rest of my life with, but can't seem to get that process started. For one thing, I really don't want to end up as someone's caretaker again for obvious reasons. Plus, I am FI, fit, healthy, have all my original hair and teeth, and still remember what I had for breakfast, and finding an available female with the same characteristics, appears to be a tough assignment.

So, the way it looks right now, I will probably remain solo with a dog as my best friend.

 

[athena53]

<snip> For one thing, I really don't want to end up as someone's caretaker again for obvious reasons. Plus, I am FI, fit, healthy, have all my original hair and teeth, and still remember what I had for breakfast, and finding an available female with the same characteristics, appears to be a tough assignment.

I'm female and can make similar claims except that many of my teeth have been replaced by implants! One of my big concerns is that I cannot marry a man whose LTC plan is "qualify for Medicaid" because he won't if he's married to me. And yet, I'm not the arm candy more prosperous men my age want. I'm in good shape and I clean up nicely but my hair is grey, I wear glasses and I haven't had any "work done". I will not go looking in the 10-year older age bracket. I wish I could just find a guy who could keep up with me. When I go to Hermann, MO with my current friend (2 years older) I go out for 20-mile bicycle rides on the Katy Trail while he happily stays behind at the B&B. I'm not sure if he's been on a bike since he got out of college.

 

[ImaCheesehead]

My husband of 40 years has been diagnosed with terminal cancer (Glioblastoma) and I strongly feel I will never marry again when he is gone.

I have never lived on my own. I am definitely the “stronger” personality in our relationship and cared more about the way things went. He is pretty low key. I made almost all the household and financial decisions but I have often bent over backwards to do things the way he wanted to do instead of how I wanted to do it. After he passes I will have a chance to do things exactly how and when I want and I suspect I won’t want to change that for someone else.

We don’t have a fairytale marriage like some here do so that could play into things as well, although the fairytale marriage folks seem to say they wouldn’t want to be with someone else either!