DNA Testing and New Sibling?

[street]

^ I feel the same way.

 

[ivinsfan]

Most kids know who 'daddy' is. The problem is sometimes not knowing who the birth father is. Alas, fathers are not always daddies.

The days of women taking secrets to the grave are near over. DNA testing must be making a lot of women nervous these days.

Is nervous the right word. Some women made some very difficult decisions for reasons known only to them. Should they really have to revisit them, explain them, or justify them decades later. I think not.

 

[tmm99]

I would LOVE to find half siblings if I have them. That would be wonderful. I would love to get to know them. I think I would see part of me in them (due to the shared DNA). My mom tells me that I used to ask to have a big sister when I was tiny. It could still happen!

Unfortunately, I am Asian (Japanese) and evidently the database is tiny. I've been told that I wouldn't get much beyond the ancestors being a mix of japanese, Chinese and Korean.

 

[Texas Proud]

Like I mentioned I was placed for adoption at birth. I do have a small desire to know my nationality, but not to the point where I want to risk someone finding me.

I was fortunate to get two wonderful adoptive parents, and one crazy (drug abusive) adopted brother. Real mean guy.

I cannot take the chance of another potential sibling, or half sibling or other extended relative finding me in case it doesn't work out. Takes too much out of me. I figure my birth mother knew what she was doing and I respect her decision. DW, DS & DD are the only family I need. I've already warned DD and DS not to take any of these tests and why. They agree.

As for family trees. I had a couple aunts that were into putting together detailed family trees, multi generations. I made their tree books with a big asterisk next to my name that said "ADOPTED". I think this was a disclaimer they put by us adopted relatives in case we didn't work out, then they had an excuse that we weren't true bloodline. Funny thing, some of the relatives in the bloodline didn't work out either....

Nope, for genealogy it is supposed to be bloodlines... so you need to distinguish which are NOT bloodlines with adopted...


BTW, my mom did ours going back 200 years on some roots... she suspects that some of the children listed are actually grandchildren that a teen daughter had but did not want to admit... they were still listed as children since the birth, marriage and death records show that...

 

[tmm99]

Oh yeah. My brother in law found out he don't know who his daddy is. My wife suspects the same.

Mommy had secrets she took to the grave. As did her suspected lover and co-worker also deceased.

Be careful what you ask, you might not like the answer.

I sometimes hear about unethical OBGyns using their own sperms (instead of from sperm banks) to impregnate unsuspecting patients. I'm sure they thought nobody would ever find out...

 

[Stormy Kromer]

Nope, for genealogy it is supposed to be bloodlines... so you need to distinguish which are NOT bloodlines with adopted...



Thanks for the explanation, I was wondering why they had to do that. I can see where bloodlines are important with purebred livestock, but not with family. Its kind of hard on an 8 year old kid to see a big star by his name in the family book when all the other cousins don't have one. It didn't mean you were special either.

 

[ivinsfan]

Nope, for genealogy it is supposed to be bloodlines... so you need to distinguish which are NOT bloodlines with adopted...



Thanks for the explanation, I was wondering why they had to do that. I can see where bloodlines are important with purebred livestock, but not with family. Its kind of hard on an 8 year old kid to see a big star by his name in the family book when all the other cousins don't have one. It didn't mean you were special either.

Exactly it's not like you didn't know you were adopted...frankly I've never gotten some people's almost obsession with this kind of stuff... and don't trot out that old medical history line.

 

[ivinsfan]

Nope, for genealogy it is supposed to be bloodlines... so you need to distinguish which are NOT bloodlines with adopted...


BTW, my mom did ours going back 200 years on some roots... she suspects that some of the children listed are actually grandchildren that a teen daughter had but did not want to admit... they were still listed as children since the birth, marriage and death records show that...

Because why?

 

[wompo]

I did 23andMe a number of years ago. Last year my nephew was interested in his DNA so I bought him a kit. Results show that my sister is really a half sister, but she and my nephew have not noticed this yet. I’m still waiting for a good time to bring up this and am kind of waiting for them to notice this on their own. Or maybe they have noticed and don’t want to bring it up. Guess time will tell.

 

[REWahoo]

I have never wanted to have any DNA testing. I feel that so much of my privacy is already taken away, I'm not willing to self-contribute any additional invasive information.

I know who my 'family" is.....people I care about and who care about me. That's enough. It's said that you can't choose your family. Well....in fact.....you can.

^ I feel the same way.

+2

I see the possibility of far more negatives than positives in doing these tests.

 

[Calico]

It is well-known in the family that my father cheated on his first two wives (my mother was his first wife.) I'm not sure if he cheated on his third and last wife, but I'm certain if he had the opportunity he did.

He was also a soldier in WWII.

I have zero interest in doing any DNA testing. I have no interest in discovering any progeny (known or unknown to my father) that he might have left behind, either here or overseas.

The family members I already know are crazy enough; I'm not in the market for adding any more.

 

[38Chevy454]

I have never wanted to have any DNA testing. I feel that so much of my privacy is already taken away, I'm not willing to self-contribute any additional invasive information.

I know who my 'family" is.....people I care about and who care about me. That's enough. It's said that you can't choose your family. Well....in fact.....you can.

My thoughts as well

 

[rodi]

Exactly it's not like you didn't know you were adopted...frankly I've never gotten some people's almost obsession with this kind of stuff... and don't trot out that old medical history line.

My husband's grandparents emigrated from Sicily (all 4). The family records (and lore) were not completely accurate. With 23andMe he has been able to reconnect with several 2nd cousins. We had connections through family records to his paternal grandfather's sibling's descendants - but had lost connections to the other 3 lines of descendants. It has been very interesting and rewarding to meet, in person, these cugini and learn about them. (We've done several trips to Sicily and have met several of them.

As for the adoption stuff - we knew my aunt had given up her first born for adoption prior to genetic testing. The adoption was closed but her son petitioned the agency - who reached out to my aunt and they met in the 80's. As for genetic testing - it confirmed it. Unfortunately, genetic testing also confirmed that my aunt and my dad had different fathers. Now my cousins are trying to find out who their bio-grandfather was, since it wasn't my grandfather. My aunt was thrown for a loop by that info.

 

[ivinsfan]

There you go Rodi, the good and the bad all in one post..

FYI I was commenting not so much about basic family tree research as I was about the "bloodline" comment. Labeling the non bloodline members on the family tree. Presumably from reading your posts on the forum you would welcome "adopted" cousins along with the bloodline cousins.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

My extended adopted family has been great to me. My brother (also adopted) was mean to everyone, so I don't count him.


One pointer to anyone who meets someone who was given up for adoption and adopted into a new home. Do not tell them " Do you know how lucky you are ?" We've all heard that, we appreciate our good fortune but nobody would say that to someone who was bloodline born into a good family.

 

[ivinsfan]

My extended adopted family has been great to me. My brother was mean to everyone, so he doesn't count.


One pointer to anyone who meets someone who was give u up for adoption, do not tell them " Do you know how lucky you ?" We've all heard that, we appreciate our good fortune but nobody would say that to someone who was born into a good family.

What a sucky thing to say to someone, sorry you had to hear that.

 

[omni550]

My extended adopted family has been great to me. My brother (also adopted) was mean to everyone, so I don't count him.

One pointer to anyone who meets someone who was given up for adoption and adopted into a new home. Do not tell them " Do you know how lucky you are ?" We've all heard that, we appreciate our good fortune but nobody would say that to someone who was bloodline born into a good family.

I have several friends who were born into loving, caring families. (I'm a bit envious.)

And I have told them (several times!) exactly that,"You are so lucky to be a part of this family."

omni

 

[braumeister]

I have several friends who were born into loving, caring families. (I'm a bit envious.)

OTOH I have a friend who was adopted and has absolutely no interest in learning about his birth parents. He knows who his "real" family are and is very happy with that.

 

[Music Lover]

The closed adoption thing is a denial of what most everyone else has... a history of family health and longevity.
It sure will make a difference to me if all my relatives died at age 65 vs 95. Currently I don't know.

I've felt the birth fathers certainly got a great get out of responsibility card by society.

Look at the other side of the issue. I know someone who would have been a great father but due to the mother not telling him she was pregnant and then giving the child up for adoption also without telling him he missed the chance to raise his son. He only found out a few years ago that he even had a son when he was contacted by his 30-year old son.

I guarantee that my friend doesn't think that he received a "get out of responsibility" card.

 

[ivinsfan]

I have several friends who were born into loving, caring families. (I'm a bit envious.)

And I have told them (several times!) exactly that,"You are so lucky to be a part of this family."

omni

You don't see the difference here? You could say to anyone adopted or not, You have a wonderful family...

 

[ivinsfan]

Look at the other side of the issue. I know someone who would have been a great father but due to the mother not telling him she was pregnant and then giving the child up for adoption also without telling him he missed the chance to raise his son. He only found out a few years ago that he even had a son when he was contacted by his 30-year old son.

I guarantee that my friend doesn't think that he received a "get out of responsibility" card.

This one size fits all mentality is exhausting, isn't it? and not true about adoption or any other human condition.

 

[goingtotravel]

For all the people that posted that they would feel no need to know who their family is.. are you actually adopted? If not, I would respectfully say that you have absolutely no idea what's it's like to grow up adopted and have no connection, none, to either your adopted family or your birth family. I respect those who are adopted and have reasons for not wanting to know but if you aren't adopted to tell an adoptee that they shouldn't want to know is very disingenuous because you've never been in an adoptees shoes.

Exactly it's not like you didn't know you were adopted...frankly I've never gotten some people's almost obsession with this kind of stuff... and don't trot out that old medical history line.

Wow, that is pretty dismissive. Why do you think you need to approve of why people search for their birth family?

Some women made some very difficult decisions for reasons known only to them. Should they really have to revisit them, explain them, or justify them decades later. I think not.

If birthmothers kept a secret that's on them. I didn't agree at 2 months old to be a secret and separate from my family for the rest of my life and as an adult my birth mother doesn't get to make decisions for me. Most adoptees are respectful of their birthmother when they approach their family for the first time. There are a lot of stories in my adoption groups of birth mothers who are thrilled to finally meet their children and were afraid to reach out because they were told not to 40 to 50 years ago. There are a lot of reasons most adoptions are open now and it's not just because people wanted to know their medical histories. But what do I know as an adoptee who has spent 20 years researching the topic since it directly impacts me? I'm tired of hearing from 'experts' on adoption, I've heard it my whole life and rarely from anyone with any actual experience on either side of the issue.

This is my last post on the thread. I actually feel personally attacked for sharing that I was adopted and that I want to know more about my family.

 

[athena53]

For all the people that posted that they would feel no need to know who their family is.. are you actually adopted? If not, I would respectfully say that you have absolutely no idea what's it's like to grow up adopted and have no connection, none, to either your adopted family or your birth family.

I had a college roommate who was adopted and said she had no desire to research her biological family because she felt no connection to them. OTOH, my favorite cousin- the one who keeps us all in touch with each other, remembers all the family stories and has been a wonderful support to her widowed mother, is adopted and if she's never contacted her biological mother (I've never asked), there's some woman out there who might be deceased by now (cousin is in her mid-50s) who never knew what a wonderful daughter she gave life to. As was noted earlier, my cousin was born at a time when the bio mother was supposed to just have the baby and then pretend it never happened.

No universal right answer- depends on the people involved.

 

[ivinsfan]

For all the people that posted that they would feel no need to know who their family is.. are you actually adopted? If not, I would respectfully say that you have absolutely no idea what's it's like to grow up adopted and have no connection, none, to either your adopted family or your birth family. I respect those who are adopted and have reasons for not wanting to know but if you aren't adopted to tell an adoptee that they shouldn't want to know is very disingenuous because you've never been in an adoptees shoes.



Wow, that is pretty dismissive. Why do you think you need to approve of why people search for their birth family?


If birthmothers kept a secret that's on them. I didn't agree at 2 months old to be a secret and separate from my family for the rest of my life and as an adult my birth mother doesn't get to make decisions for me. Most adoptees are respectful of their birthmother when they approach their family for the first time. There are a lot of stories in my adoption groups of birth mothers who are thrilled to finally meet their children and were afraid to reach out because they were told not to 40 to 50 years ago. There are a lot of reasons most adoptions are open now and it's not just because people wanted to know their medical histories. But what do I know as an adoptee who has spent 20 years researching the topic since it directly impacts me? I'm tired of hearing from 'experts' on adoption, I've heard it my whole life and rarely from anyone with any actual experience on either side of the issue.

This is my last post on the thread. I actually feel personally attacked for sharing that I was adopted and that I want to know more about my family.

I'm sorry I was responding to the poster that felt hurt that in the family tree he was listed as adopted because of "bloodlines" he felt singled out and rightly so ..I was referring to that part of the equation. I also directly quoted the post I was referring too. Please accept my apology ..

 

[ivinsfan]

The last two posts here show how emotionally charged this issue is.

I guess there is no right answer.

I don't think anyone should feel like they are an embarrassment for existing. Hoping for a connection might not be realistic for a number of reasons, but embarrassment isn't the first thing that comes to my mind.

Going to travel this is my post number 117 directly below your post....I'm not demeaning or dismissing anybody in this situation.