Do you send money with sympathy cards?

[audreyh1]

I did, but it was a special case. The money was for a minor who lost his mother, and the sympathy card was sent to the grandparents who had been raising the minor and lost their daughter. The gift was substantial and it was to add to the minor’s education fund.

 

[Octogirl]

Yes, it must be a regional practice.
My son died suddenly in 2020 and many friends sent cards and donations to his charity.
I found it very odd when a previous co-worker sent a card with cash.
She knows we are comfortable and I wondered why she didn't just make a donation.

 

[Alan]

Sending money with sympathy cards is certainly not the norm here. What is common is a request for a donation to a designated charity in lieu of flowers.

 

[REWahoo]

What is common is a request for a donation to a designated charity in lieu of flowers.

Same in my neck of the woods.

 

[GenXguy]

Maybe regional. I've always lived in the midwest, and I have never heard of a single instance of someone putting money in sympathy card. Yes, I agree with the comments that it sounds tacky.

 

[pacergal]

If there is a charity listed, I will donate.
The only time I ever donated cash was for a work friend who lost her 3 month old baby and they had asked for cash for assistance with medical bills.

 

[Sojourner]

Sending money with sympathy cards is certainly not the norm here. What is common is a request for a donation to a designated charity in lieu of flowers.

Same here, very common these days. Giving money at funerals is unheard of around here (Southeastern U.S.).

 

[6miths]

Not a thing around here. Lots of food and other help if neighbours.

 

[splitwdw]

We have read in obituaries "in lieu of flowers to donate to the children's education fund" and have done that.

I hate to donate to charities that are listed. I've donated to charities that I don't normally support and can't get rid of them. I receive a begging letter once, sometimes twice, a month looking for a pledge. Alzheimer's and St. Jude's are 2 of the worst for wasting paper. I donated once 3 years ago and I'm still being sent begging letters. Maybe this is why people send money with the sympathy card, so they don't receive begging letters.

 

[youbet]

When my sister's husband passed away I was surprised to find cash in just about every condolences card. About half the cards were dropped off at the funeral home, the rest came by mail. The total easily surpassed $3k. This surprised me, but my sister said it was a common practice in the midwest..

Yes.

There is a long history of "support" for family/friends revolving around deaths, sickness, weddings, etc. here in the urban heartland. Refer to "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair for examples of exploited immigrant groups supporting one another to survive and continue their customs. It varies between various religious and ethnic groups, has lessened considerably lately but still hangs on.

 

[cathy63]

In my Dad's family, putting money in sympathy cards is common. I don't know if it's because they're from the upper-midwest, Polish, Catholic, or were low income immigrants until his generation.

Dad lived most of his life in California, and when he died, we did receive some cards from distant family members with $10 to $100 in them, similar to what our family would have sent for one of his cousins or aunts/uncles when I was growing up. We didn't expect or receive any money from close family. His siblings traveled to the funeral, and their children sent flowers or food, not money.

Money in sympathy cards is definitely not done in my Mom's New England French Catholic family and might be offensive if it were. She just says "it's something your father's family does."

 

[aaronc879]

I don't consider cash to ever be a tacky gift. Better than flowers. I would not say $100 is the minimum. Give whatever you feel is appropriate. I have given $20 to a widow who had far less money coming in after her husband passed. Multiply that by 100 people and it really helps cover costs at a difficult time. No reason to give to a well off family though IMO.

 

[Aiming_4_55]

....There, it is traditional for the family to cater a full meal for all funeral guests - and there can be very large gatherings to feed. A friend of ours lost her husband and there were over 1000 people who attended the celebration of life with a full catered meal afterwards.

For this reason, it is traditional in the Island to at least cover the cost of a catered meal in the sympathy card. $20 per person is NOT considered a lot for this purpose. Meals typically include two to four meat dishes, rice, noodles, salad(s) soft drinks/coffee/tee, and all in a style appropriate to the gathering (typically, Chinese, Japanese, "oriental", Filipino or a fusion of all/part of these.) It isn't inappropriate to include even more for a close friend as it's understood that not everyone is generous in their sympathy cards. We have often given $100 to close friends at such times. Funerals/celebrations of life are very expensive in the Islands - especially if there is interment rather than cremation (which is much more common.)

...typically, Chinese, Japanese, "oriental", Filipino.... this is very traditional in the Asian culture. Some celebration of life meals start at $50 a person without alcohol, so it helps offset the cost.

In the 1990's when my Dad passed away, we had no clue how we could afford the funeral or meal afterwards, but a few close relatives contributed $500 - $1000,so we managed.

 

[BruinBones]

...typically, Chinese, Japanese, "oriental", Filipino.... this is very traditional in the Asian culture. Some celebration of life meals start at $50 a person without alcohol, so it helps offset the cost.

I was not aware of giving money to the deceased family with the sympathy card, but when my 90 year old Dad (a Pacific Islander) died this year, even though we asked friends to donate to one of my parents' favorite charities in lieu of flowers, my Mom received a few thousand dollars in cash and checks with sympathy cards and a living room full of flowers. At the 10-week or 90-day anniversary of his death (I can't remember), my Mom threw a very well-attended celebration of life luncheon in his honor.

 

[Koolau]

We have read in obituaries "in lieu of flowers to donate to the children's education fund" and have done that.

I hate to donate to charities that are listed. I've donated to charities that I don't normally support and can't get rid of them. I receive a begging letter once, sometimes twice, a month looking for a pledge. Alzheimer's and St. Jude's are 2 of the worst for wasting paper. I donated once 3 years ago and I'm still being sent begging letters. Maybe this is why people send money with the sympathy card, so they don't receive begging letters.

Yes, such letters are typically the bulk of our mail. It seems so inefficient to send all those mailings though I know the bulk mail rates are relatively cheap. It's difficult to get off a list and, of course, every charity sells their list to other charities. Bummer!

 

[street]

I received several $10 and $20 when a family member died. I was grateful and did not think it was tacky.

It is a very common practice in small rural communities. When my father and mother passed away both in the last 12 year, we received a lot of money in 5's to 20's-dollar bills. The money received was than given to a local fire dept. and church for their use. It was money given for the family too use in any way they wanted.

When I was young my folks send dollars with a card to many of people, they knew that have passed away.

Not sure in large metro areas would have heard of it or let alone do it.

 

[Act2]

I grew up in a Catholic community in the Midwest and never had heard of it. Donations to charity, yes. When a family member died in Hawaii, we were told that people would be giving the family money, even though she was financially secure. And they did. I think we donated it to the church. I have only sent money if I knew a family was financially struggling, and only after the Hawaii introduction to that.

And, also, we were told that funeral attire for the family in Hawaii was white clothing, not black. I think that the white clothing was great - much less dreary than the mainland black funeral attire. She is at rest in the Punchbowl National Cemetery. She was a long term armed services member. (I love the thought that the inactive volcano in which she is resting will some day possibly come dramatically back to life!)

 

[swakyaby]

I have only included a check 2 times with a personal note when I learnt of a person I knew passing. One was the spouse of a hospital staff member I had worked with in the past. Another was my first cousin in Hawaii that I had had no contact with in 50 years. Each time, I received a written letter in response from the widow expressing surprise and appreciation. So, I sense that it is not the norm or expected, but it was appreciated.

 

[ownyourfuture]

No

 

[rk911]

put me in the "that's tacky" camp. we've donated to memorial funds or specific charities in lieu of flowers. we even paid for my close friend's funeral when nobody else could. but never cash to the family.

 

[Kwirk]

I've never given money in a sympathy card but I've given substantial amounts directly to relatives I knew to be struggling with expenses.

 

[GenXguy]

And, also, we were told that funeral attire for the family in Hawaii was white clothing, not black. I think that the white clothing was great - much less dreary than the mainland black funeral attire.

It seems many people just wear whatever they want to a funeral anymore, more casual rather than wearing a suit and tie.

 

[aaronc879]

It seems many people just wear whatever they want to a funeral anymore, more casual rather than wearing a suit and tie.

I have always hated the idea that women can wear pretty much anything but men are expected to wear a suit and tie to weddings and funerals. I say wear whatever you want within reason.

 

[SAinMinn]

I live in a major metro but grew up in a small town, and have been to a few funerals there the past few years, and I can't recall hearing or seeing this.

I'm not surprised to hear of it though because we tend to be shifting toward a "GoFundMe" culture as the government safety net continues to erode.

 

[badatmath]

I spoke to an older relative yesterday and said why did no one ever tell me to send money and they went oh you can't do that. It implies they are poor and hurts their pride. /Shrug. As it happens I have another sympathy card to get out tomorrow