Do you send money with sympathy cards?

[lem1955]

When my friend’s wife died

When my friend’s wife died, a group of us who lived all around the country (not nearby), bought a Door Dash subscription for her. She was working a full time job and didn’t have the time or motivation to cook for herself. It was used and appreciated.

 

[Luvtoride]

I have never heard or seen of the custom. Donations to charity yes, but directly, no.

Agreed. Crass/ tacky to do it any other way. Is this even a "thing" anywhere (I didn't read through the whole thread).

 

[FANOFJESUS]

Agreed. Crass/ tacky to do it any other way. Is this even a "thing" anywhere (I didn't read through the whole thread).

I guess it is more common in the Midwest. Funerals are expensive for many families. I don't find anything tacky about it. I think I am giving a little help for a big bill they have coming. That's the way I look at it. For a lot of families a 6k-12k bill is a big deal. Remember Tobias in the Bible he took care of the burial on his own dime/work. Much more than money in a card.

 

[38Chevy454]

I've never heard of giving cash in sympathy card, only giving to a charity in remembrance of the person as specified by the family. I have seen (request?) on local news stories about go fund me or similar for a low income struggling family. Not a direct plea for money, but providing the information if people wanted to donate.

 

[Koolau]

Agreed. Crass/ tacky to do it any other way. Is this even a "thing" anywhere (I didn't read through the whole thread).

Apparently not. See my response at 20.

 

[GenXguy]

I guess it is more common in the Midwest.

I was saying just the opposite - don't see this in the midwest. I've lived in the midwest all my life and have never heard of such a thing.

Now, people will contribute to memorials and such in honor of the person who passed away, not passing the money through their loved ones with cards. And I've known of some cases where neighbors and friends bringing food directly to someone's front door. But direct cash payments sent with a card? If would feel like someone was saying I should feel better because you sent me some cash. Seems very tacky. I hope this doesn't catch on.

 

[Katiek]

This thread is an eye opener. I've never heard of this custom. I usually see a charity designated in the obituary on the funeral home site and I'll donate to that. I have seen some "go fund me" sites set up by a friend or extended family member for assistance with medical bills or for children when their parents die unexpectedly, but it's the exception rather than the norm. I'm not offended by the concept of direct donations if a family needs help, but it honestly would never have occurred to me to put the money in a sympathy card.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, If I got a luau invite, I'd accept with cash in the reply. Easy.

 

[Koolau]

Yeah, If I got a luau invite, I'd accept with cash in the reply. Easy.

I've never gotten an invitation to a funeral, but maybe that's common in Cali.

 

[ERD50]

Originally Posted by FANOFJESUS View Post
I guess it is more common in the Midwest.

I was saying just the opposite - don't see this in the midwest. I've lived in the midwest all my life and have never heard of such a thing.

Now, people will contribute to memorials and such in honor of the person who passed away, not passing the money through their loved ones with cards. And I've known of some cases where neighbors and friends bringing food directly to someone's front door. But direct cash payments sent with a card? If would feel like someone was saying I should feel better because you sent me some cash. Seems very tacky. I hope this doesn't catch on.

I also have been in the Midwest all my life, and I haven't seen it as common at all. There might have been one or two at my Mom's funeral, I don't recall, but certainly not more than that. In the "Thank You's" we just said we would apply it to xyz charity.

Since others say it is common in the Midwest, it must be very regional, or very specific to certain groups?

Though I'm not at all going to call it tacky. Different cultural norms for different groups is all.

-ERD50

 

[youbet]

I guess it is more common in the Midwest. Funerals are expensive for many families. I don't find anything tacky about it.

+1

And it often isn't a matter of helping the family with funeral expenses. It's common here for a family who doesn't need help with final expenses to contribute received gifts as a lump sum to some cause. A recent example for us was my cousin's family who supported a local parochial school by purchasing a brick in a memorial wall at the school after their dad passed. (He attended that school decades ago as a youth.)

Yes, they stated in the announcement that contributions to that school would be appreciated in lieu of flowers. But many of us just dropped a check to them in the envelope giving them control and the final choice in how to use it. They're family. We love them. We trust them.

We know how the gifts were utilized because it was mentioned in the thank you note we received.

We didn't feel at all like we did anything "tacky" doing things this way. Their use of the funds we contributed put a smile on our faces.

Admittedly, I've never sent cash to a more casual acquaintance, such as a business associate, etc., with a sympathy card. In fact, I seldom even sent the card.

 

[youbet]

Since others say it is common in the Midwest, it must be very regional, or very specific to certain groups?

Yep. For example, both my and DW's ethnic backgrounds have a custom of post-burial luncheons (often with alcohol, lots of food and a party atmosphere involved), it's common to kick in via cash in the envelope. I've also provided the keg in the parking lot at the funeral home the night of the wake........ OTOH, when a work acquaintance or other arm's length acquaintance would have a death in the family, I can't remember ever including cash in the envelope. You do what fits the circumstances and withhold judgment on others' culture and traditions.

Though I'm not at all going to call it tacky. Different cultural norms for different groups is all.

-ERD50

Nicely said. This is a very sophisticated and open minded way to put it ERD50. I've been surprised at the narrow-minded and ego-centric outlooks many of the posters on this thread have expressed. Possibly they need to travel more and see other cultures and be exposed to life outside their own cultures and traditions.

 

[ivinsfan]

I also have been in the Midwest all my life, and I haven't seen it as common at all. There might have been one or two at my Mom's funeral, I don't recall, but certainly not more than that. In the "Thank You's" we just said we would apply it to xyz charity.

Since others say it is common in the Midwest, it must be very regional, or very specific to certain groups?

Though I'm not at all going to call it tacky. Different cultural norms for different groups is all.

-ERD50

Upper Midwest maybe?? this a really eyeopening thing for me as I moved here at 19 and every service I've attended had the memorial envelopes at the church in case you forgot your own. I had no idea everyone didn't do it.. After 50 years when I started hearing about some families just "keeping" the money not doing a memorial I've stopped giving cash.

 

[Telly]

.......... I've been surprised at the narrow-minded and ego-centric outlooks many of the posters on this thread have expressed. Possibly they need to travel more and see other cultures and be exposed to life outside their own cultures and traditions.

Or maybe you are negatively labeling their own cultures and traditions, because it doesn't agree with yours. It can be a two-way street.

 

[ivinsfan]

Or maybe you are negatively labeling their own cultures and traditions, because it doesn't agree with yours. It can be a two-way street.

I was born in England, traveled the states and internationally as a military family and it literally never occurred to me that everywhere domestic does not put memorial money in a sympathy card!!! I don't actually consider myself tacky....live and let live....

 

[Teacher Terry]

I have lived in 5 states and have seen many different customs. When my MIL died many people sent checks made out to us so we could donate to a charity. This was in Nevada. I just assumed that they didn’t want to bother doing it themselves. No matter where I have lived there’s always a lunch afterwards. It’s either at a house or restaurant that the family pays for.

 

[GenXguy]

Upper Midwest maybe??.

I'm doubtful it's very common anywhere in the midwest. Illinois specifically for me but haven't heard of it from anyone else in the region from family and such. And memorials are different or collecting money in a single envelope at some dinner to pay for that specifically. I can understand that even though I haven't seen it. People are conflating those things with money in sympathy cards. I've never heard of sending money in a sympathy card. That is specifically what I had never heard of before and am calling tacky. Someone else came up with that word to describe it, but it seems to fit well. It wouldn't feel right at all to me to receive cash in a sympathy card as if I should feel better about losing someone because you sent me some cash. I hope it doesn't catch on and people stick to the memorials rather than including cash in a sympathy card.

 

[youbet]

Or maybe you are negatively labeling their own cultures and traditions, because it doesn't agree with yours. It can be a two-way street.

I can't fathom how you interpreted this:

You do what fits the circumstances and withhold judgment on others' culture and traditions.

to be negative labeling of someone else's culture. So, no, I'm definitely not negatively labeling another culture. I'm negative about using derogatory language regarding these types of cultural variations just because it's not what you're used to.

 

[Koolau]

Different cultural norms for different groups is all.

-ERD50

Yes and thank God we are not all the same.

 

[Magus]

When our 20 year old daughter died in an auto accident, of the over 100 sympathy cards we received, exactly one had money in it.

Very sorry for your loss, and thanks for being willing to share part of that experience even though I’m sure it’s painful. It’s interesting that basically no one sent money but a lot reached out given the question asked initially that I hadn’t really considered before. Would you be willing to share how you would have felt it more people had sent money?

 

[ivinsfan]

I'm doubtful it's very common anywhere in the midwest. Illinois specifically for me but haven't heard of it from anyone else in the region from family and such. And memorials are different or collecting money in a single envelope at some dinner to pay for that specifically. I can understand that even though I haven't seen it. People are conflating those things with money in sympathy cards. I've never heard of sending money in a sympathy card. That is specifically what I had never heard of before and am calling tacky. Someone else came up with that word to describe it, but it seems to fit well. It wouldn't feel right at all to me to receive cash in a sympathy card as if I should feel better about losing someone because you sent me some cash. I hope it doesn't catch on and people stick to the memorials rather than including cash in a sympathy card.

We are cross talking here. I put cash or a check in a card. A couple weeks later I get a thank you note that says thank for remembering our loved one we have started a scholarship fund at the local school we have donated to X church cemetery fund or some such. No one is giving money to make someone feel better about a death. There is nothing tacky about it. It just the way we do it. Why does it matter if it's one or many envelopes

 

[athena53]

It wouldn't feel right at all to me to receive cash in a sympathy card as if I should feel better about losing someone because you sent me some cash. I hope it doesn't catch on and people stick to the memorials rather than including cash in a sympathy card.

I think it's more of a way to help the family with final expenses or support those who will have a hard time due to loss of a breadwinner- or maybe for a charitable donation at the family's discretion. I agree that personally I'd have felt uncomfortable receiving cash after DH or either of my parents died. Finances, thank heaven, are not a concern and I would have donated it to a charity and sent them a nice thank-you note.

 

[GenXguy]

We are cross talking here. I put cash or a check in a card. A couple weeks later I get a thank you note that says thank for remembering our loved one we have started a scholarship fund at the local school we have donated to X church cemetery fund or some such. No one is giving money to make someone feel better about a death. There is nothing tacky about it. It just the way we do it. Why does it matter if it's one or many envelopes

You're conflating things as I mentioned in a previous post that people were doing. Taking a collection at some event and giving it in an envelope to offset the cost of the dinner or whatever vs. sending cash in sympathy cards like birthday cards is very very different to me. I think it it's tacky and would be put off by someone sending me cash because someone passed away. It's not like a birthday celebration. I hope I don't ever see it around here. Giving directly to a memorial / charity in honor of the person who passed is very different also, and that's normal around here.

 

[Koolau]

You're conflating things as I mentioned in a previous post that people were doing. Taking a collection at some event and giving it in an envelope to offset the cost of the dinner or whatever vs. sending cash in sympathy cards like birthday cards is very very different to me. I think it it's tacky and would be put off by someone sending me cash because someone passed away. It's not like a birthday celebration. I hope I don't ever see it around here. Giving directly to a memorial / charity in honor of the person who passed is very different also, and that's normal around here.

It's a cultural thing in the Islands. Obviously, it's not required (nor is a card required.) In the Islands, friends and acquaintances feel much closer to each other - especially in the shared-experience of death. Funerals are quite different (for the most part) than my experience on the mainland. Having a "showing" is relatively uncommon. More likely, there is a quick cremation followed by a 2 to 5 week period after which a celebration of life is held. Much of the immediate grief is passed, and it really is a celebration with lots of food. Hence, the cultural idea of sharing in the cost. YMMV

 

[ivinsfan]

You're conflating things as I mentioned in a previous post that people were doing. Taking a collection at some event and giving it in an envelope to offset the cost of the dinner or whatever vs. sending cash in sympathy cards like birthday cards is very very different to me. I think it it's tacky and would be put off by someone sending me cash because someone passed away. It's not like a birthday celebration. I hope I don't ever see it around here. Giving directly to a memorial / charity in honor of the person who passed is very different also, and that's normal around here.

I'm not conflating your repeated comments that our local customs are "tacky"....notice I said local customs and not "normal".


And nowhere did I mention taking a collection in public. So let's say I sent you a card with X dollars in it and wrote I'm sorry for your loss of X..please donate this to a cause X felt was important. Would that be OK? Things like this make me realize the things we don't know when we relocate to a different area are many and open to interpretation.