ER takes a divorce detour

[Salaryman]

If anybody ever told me that (and they were serious), they'd be out of my life forever. Relationship over. Immediately. No chance of reconciliation.

I know it's far more difficult than that when you're married, living in the same house, have kids, etc. But there's no way I could deal with somebody in my life having that attitude. If anybody seriously thought they were entitled to their part of the pie AND mine, they'd be out of my life forever.

Salaryman - Did this attitude of hers surface earlier in the relationship? Any hints at all?

In any case, good luck with everything!

Early on. Also she was an illegal. I got her citizenship as well.

I thought she would change, I guessed wrong.

 

[Danmar]

After reading thru a few of your comments, I'd be interested in hearing your EX's side of the story, I'm guessing it's quite a bit different then yours.
.

Well of course it would be. There are always two stories in a divorce both tend to be one sided. He presented his side and we are responding. Would you really want to hear the other side? He said, she said?

But at least from a financial point of view there can be little doubt that current laws favor the wife. This is for valid historical reasons I think, but often go too far in my opinion. At least that is my (one sided) opinion.

 

[ivinsfan]

She wanted to improve her career prospects and wanted to go to school when the kids were still young. I encouraged her, paid for her tuition and raised the kids during time she went to school and worked nights at the hospital. I had a full time job, and picked up the kids from daycare to care for them after and was primary caregiver during days that I did not work.

After years to trying to work things out and giving to all of her unreasonable demands, I could no longer be the 'giver' both economically, emotionally and everything else. She lost out on a good thing in me.

What I made, I spend fully on the kids, family and shared expenses. On top of that I made sure that some of it was saved and invested even though it was not easy. I was fully transparent of my income expenses assets. She was not transparent, nor contributed to any of the major expenses. Income wise it was a 65/35 split. Expenses wise it was more like 90/10 for the duration of the marriage. Her approach to money was, what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine (her words).

Because I was able to save money all of my life and family is comfortable, she took the approach that I could afford it all.

All of the assets saved and invested during marriage was from me. Where her money went, I have no clue (i.e. black hole).

She had credit cards that I paid for and spend money from jtten account that only I funded. I even gave her mom an allowance to show my fealty and respect. It truly was one sided.

During the first 10 years of marriage, we lived in an area close to her family and she spent a lot of time over at her parents while severely limiting my time with kids and my family. We had to move for a better school district and had agreed to move. The new place was 25 miles away with a great school district. 2 months after I closed, they moved in 5 mins of the new house. Didn't really mind her close relationship with her family, just wanted fairness with my family. She was and remain 'married' to her family not me.

After I took the job traveling more and now situated in west coast, I stay engaged through calls/skype and frequent trips crosscountry. Currently looking at 20k in travel costs this year alone. Can't tell you how many red eye trips and banging out work on laptop in the narrow plane seats to squeeze in the trips to see the kids (yeah, that's me in the plane with the laptop).

All vacations and trips were done by me and with kids, in and around the NE area for the past 10 years. The 'fancy' European trip was something that I have never done and wanted to do for as long as I can remember.

I don't have a chip anywhere. I am a victim of domestic abuse that finally said no, as she feels like I abandoned her. Nobody is perfect, starting with me.

Thanks for helping me remember why I am where I am now.

I'm just saying it sounds like neither of you were on the same page from the beginning ,. You guys apparently didn't have much communication to put it mildly. Re her salary, was it going to her family? were expensive clothes and jewelry appearing in the house?, does she have it stashed away somewhere? Is she from a culture where the man provides everything? Some people never consider anyone but their "blood family" real family.

Are you trying to say she wanted you for a meal ticket and a US citizenship?If you think this is what happened you owe it to yourself and your kids to figure out how you got into this situation so that you can be sure something similar doesn't happen in the future. The red flags must have just been a blowing in the wind. Hard times for everyone and I wish you and your kids the best.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well of course it would be. There are always two stories in a divorce both tend to be one sided. He presented his side and we are responding. Would you really want to hear the other side? He said, she said?

But at least from a financial point of view there can be little doubt that current laws favor the wife. This is for valid historical reasons I think, but often go too far in my opinion. At least that is my (one sided) opinion.

No, I don't really care about he said/she said... I was just pointing out that his kids are probably picking up some of his unresolved feelings and are probably getting the same feedback from their Mother.They are stuck in the middle, I know from family experience healing doesn't happen overnight.

The OP didn't come for strictly money advice, which is apparent by the rehashing of what happened.

And I do think divorce laws are predisposed to favor the female, for a variety of different reasons, there isn't much equality on that front. I have sympathy for anyone on either side of a divorce,it's a very tough row to hoe. Especially for kids of any ages..I was over 25 when my parents split up.

 

[Danmar]

And I do think divorce laws are predisposed to favor the female, for a variety of different reasons, there isn't much equality on that front. I have sympathy for anyone on either side of a divorce,it's a very tough row to how. Especially for kids of any ages..I was over 25 when my parents split up.

Yes, I agree. Difficult divorces bring out the worst in both parties and the kids suffer the most. It's not surprising that Salary has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. I certainly did for quite a while during my divorce. If he can vent some of his issues here he might feel better and maybe the kids would be spared a bit.

 

[Salaryman]

Yes, I agree. Difficult divorces bring out the worst in both parties and the kids suffer the most. It's not surprising that Salary has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. I certainly did for quite a while during my divorce. If he can vent some of his issues here he might feel better and maybe the kids would be spared a bit.

Dammar iviv et al, you are all right. I did come here for advise and wisdom. Much appreciate the candid feedback.
I am exposing myself here in hopes of learning from you all and to gain different perspective. It's quite unsettling and am feeling vulnerable.

At end of day, it's able the kids and limiting the damage as much as possible.

 

[MichaelB]

Dammar iviv et al, you are all right. I did come here for advise and wisdom.

That's good to know. Now that everyone has vented perhaps we can move on from the scrum and start looking toward next steps and rebuilding.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Don't expose too much (ha ha)--seriously, though, remember this is a public website and a very slight chance your future ex and attorney can find it.

 

[HFWR]

...perhaps we can move on from the scrum...

There's no reason to bring my ex into this...

 

[Danmar]

Don't expose too much (ha ha)--seriously, though, remember this is a public website and a very slight chance your future ex and attorney can find it.

Good point but court proceedings are public information anyway. As part of my divorce I went to court. The ruling was reported on the front page of Canada's largest newspaper. Apparently there were some interesting points of law but mostly they just wanted to rub the wealthy banker's nose in the judgement. That was definitely the nadir of the whole thing. My daughter's name was cited and where she went to school. She was 17 at the time. Seemed terribly unfair at that point, hence the big "chip". Anyway, was able to move on, pay the huge amounts, and somehow retire within about 5 years.

Always better to settle out of court if you can

 

[Letj]

Early on. Also she was an illegal. I got her citizenship as well.



I thought she would change, I guessed wrong.

I am confused. You mentioned that your are a gay devorcee. I didn't know 15 years years ago a gay spouse could obtain citizenship for their spouse.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Salaryman]

I am confused. You mentioned that your are a gay devorcee. I didn't know 15 years years ago a gay spouse could obtain citizenship for their spouse.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

letj, I'm not gay LOL. 'Gay divorcee' is a quaint term used to describe happy divorced people. Was not being literal.

 

[Salaryman]

Good point but court proceedings are public information anyway. As part of my divorce I went to court. The ruling was reported on the front page of Canada's largest newspaper. Apparently there were some interesting points of law but mostly they just wanted to rub the wealthy banker's nose in the judgement. That was definitely the nadir of the whole thing. My daughter's name was cited and where she went to school. She was 17 at the time. Seemed terribly unfair at that point, hence the big "chip". Anyway, was able to move on, pay the huge amounts, and somehow retire within about 5 years.

Always better to settle out of court if you can

Dammar, thanks again for good counsel. I too have seen the damage when the lawyers hijack the process.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Good point but court proceedings are public information anyway. As part of my divorce I went to court. The ruling was reported on the front page of Canada's largest newspaper. Apparently there were some interesting points of law but mostly they just wanted to rub the wealthy banker's nose in the judgement. That was definitely the nadir of the whole thing. My daughter's name was cited and where she went to school. She was 17 at the time. Seemed terribly unfair at that point, hence the big "chip". Anyway, was able to move on, pay the huge amounts, and somehow retire within about 5 years.

Always better to settle out of court if you can

That's awful for your DD especially. Ken Griffin has just moved to the settlement table in Chicago for that very reason. I was actually referring to making comments or divulging information here that could be used against one whether in court or at the settlement table--yes, I have the paranoid gene.

 

[Danmar]

That's awful for your DD especially. Ken Griffin has just moved to the settlement table in Chicago for that very reason. I was actually referring to making comments or divulging information here that could be used against one whether in court or at the settlement table--yes, I have the paranoid gene.

Yes, I understood your point but it reminded me of my case. I warned my lawyer that this could happened, but he pooh,poohed me. I was right and he was surprised. My daughter was devastated. All her class mates kept asking her if that were her parents. Awful. It is very difficult to maintain your good reputation in the face of a difficult divorce and vindictive X spouse.

Anonymity can often be a wonderful thing. That is why these sites can be so useful and addictive.

 

[redduck]

... I have the paranoid gene.

That's curious. I went to high school with "Paranoid" Gene.

 

[haha]

It is very difficult to maintain your good reputation in the face of a difficult divorce and vindictive X spouse.

How do these sweeter than Tupelo Honey spouses become vindictive ex-spouses? Not sure, but the Y gene must somehow be at fault.

Ha

 

[Bestwifeever]

That's curious. I went to high school with "Paranoid" Gene.

That's curious. I'm wearing the paranoid jeans.

 

[Letj]

letj, I'm not gay LOL. 'Gay divorcee' is a quaint term used to describe happy divorced people. Was not being literal.

Lol. Sorry hadn't heard the term and I didn't read the entire thread.


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[redduck]

That's curious. I'm wearing the paranoid jeans.

I love mine.


http://trippnyc.com/product/is6235p-eye/#

I couldn't figure out how to place only the paranoid jeans in this post, but I did try.

 

[NW-Bound]

I love mine.


http://trippnyc.com/product/is6235p-eye/#

I couldn't figure out how to place only the paranoid jeans in this post, but I did try.

Did you get the same platform shoes too?

 

[zesty]

Sorry to hear that.

This is why I can't allow myself to get into a relationship. The risk is too high.

 

[Salaryman]

Sorry to hear that.

This is why I can't allow myself to get into a relationship. The risk is too high.

**** happens, sometimes it doesn't. You can't wall yourself off due to fear.

 

[zesty]

**** happens, sometimes it doesn't. You can't wall yourself off due to fear.

I've managed to do it so far... It actually got a lot easier around age 30.

As long as I focus enough on making and saving money, that keeps my mind off of it.

 

[Danmar]

How do these sweeter than Tupelo Honey spouses become vindictive ex-spouses? Not sure, but the Y gene must somehow be at fault.

Ha

Hell hath no fury. Things are usually fairly civilized until you get a new partner. If you get the new partner before you leave the old one, look out. I think it might be due to the fact that some spouses become so dependent on their partners. Often financially but other ways too, that when they get left, it can be extremely traumatic. They think someone "stole their husband". Ridiculous.