family member asking for money - domestic violence issue :-(((

[simple girl]

You all are such a great support to us. I've been reading these emails to DH. We want to thank you all for listening and sharing your stories and excellent advice. It has been a great help! I knew I could count on this board.

 

[Coolius]

I am sorry to hear about this situation. I will pray that things will turn out alright in the long run.

Have you considered installing a security video system inside the home? This could potentially record future incidents of violence, and perhaps the knowledge of the existence of such a system would cause the guy to stay away.

Such systems can be obtained for a few hundred dollars, and you can wire it so that the main rooms of the house, plus selected entryways, are monitored and recorded constantly.

 

[easysurfer]

Simple Girl,

A few more things that might be of help...

Here is a link to Stalking laws by State -
Stalking - Stalking Laws by State

Still on the subject of safety (and jogging my memory again back to my volunteer days), it would be a good idea for your niece to vary her schedule (when she gets home, goes out, the route she takes, etc.) in case he does try to stalk her.

Also, try and have her document any incidents that happen for a record.

From your descriptions of the violence he has done to her in the past, yes it does sound VERY scary. It is a delicate situation -- you just don't know how desperate he will get, and at the same time can't continue with the way things are.


I'm happy to read about the support that you and your DH have for her. What the abusers try to do is isolate their victims away from friends and family. I know it can be frustrating, but her knowing there is the support system for her (even if just to listen) is so important so she knows she is not alone.

 

[Nemo2]

The Dixie Chicks had it right:

[youtube]Gw7gNf_9njs[/youtube]

 

[brewer12345]

Good job, SG. Keep up the good work.

 

[Dreamer]

Her story brings back so many bad childhood memories. Both of my parents had alcohol issues. The best thing that my parents did was to give up us 5 kids and to get a divorce. I truly think one of them would have killed the other. Luckily, other relatives took us in and I had a stable life from age 11 to 18.

My heart goes out to her and especially to her children. She is lucky to have you and your DH to help her and the children. I hope that she remains strong.

 

[simple girl]

Her story brings back so many bad childhood memories. Both of my parents had alcohol issues. The best thing that my parents did was to give up us 5 kids and to get a divorce. I truly think one of them would have killed the other. Luckily, other relatives took us in and I had a stable life from age 11 to 18.

My heart goes out to her and especially to her children. She is lucky to have you and your DH to help her and the children. I hope that she remains strong.

Thank goodness things worked out the way they did for your family. I sure do hope our influence is enough to help her stay strong so that her kids can have some stability for part of their lives, at least!

 

[East Texas]

Does she have her own bank account or is everything joint?

 

[simple girl]

Does she have her own bank account or is everything joint?

Hmmmm...don't know...looks like a good question to ask her - thanks! We do know that both of their names are on utilities, and it the past, he has turned them off on her when they split, just to make her life miserable. He hasn't done that (yet) this time. What a sweetheart he is. Will talk to her about these issues today some more!

 

[Purron]

Have you looked into getting her self defense training?

 

[simple girl]

Have you looked into getting her self defense training?

That is an excellent suggestion! I just found an organization that provides free training in her area and sent her a link. Thank you!!!

 

[simple girl]

Update for you - a good one!

Hearing was today. Surprisingly, and thankfully, he didn't show up! My niece had legal assistance from the women's center represent her. Outcome of the hearing:

• full order of protection for a year
• $600/mo child support
• batterer's intervention ordered
• ordered supervised visits with the kids through family court (although the kids don't want to see him)

So a good outcome overall. So far, there have not been any further incidents. Hopefully it will stay that way. I'm nervous to find out how he reacts after this hearing.

Oh, and my niece has also started the process for getting counseling set up for them all.

 

[Alan]

That sounds like really good progress. Thanks for the update.

 

[Sarah in SC]

That is a good outcome thus far, SG. Relieved that he's steering clear for now and so glad that your niece is getting counseling set up.

I went to lunch yesterday with my friend who just left her abusive spouse. She seems really wistful for the "lost years" she spent with him, which I take as a good sign that she was missing something. I also counted up that she'd moved a total of 11 times in the 6 years they were together. All in the same county, too. The guy just constantly kept her off balance and life chaotic enough to prevent her from even thinking about her situation until she finally made the break.

I think that regret must be a common phase for these women, when they think of where they'd be if they hadn't hooked up with the guy. I hope that your niece's counseling helps and that her friends and family will reconnect with her now that she's away from him.

 

[powerplay]

That's good news and you are so kind to help her in breaking out of this horrible abuse situation. I hope she and her kids stay safe and she gets into the work world and on with a new life.

 

[Brat]

So far, so good. In all honesty I don't think he will just walk away. He will try to use the children as leverage to insert himself into her life. Also, I don't think he will pay court ordered support. This is only the first round of a life-long battle.

 

[simple girl]

So far, so good. In all honesty I don't think he will just walk away. He will try to use the children as leverage to insert himself into her life. Also, I don't think he will pay court ordered support. This is only the first round of a life-long battle.

Unfortunately, I have the same feeling. We kind of were wondering just exactly what he might be up to since he didn't show up to court. It's not like him. Taking it one day at a time!

 

[FinanceDude]

I doubt he will pay the $600 a month, he knows that's financial leverage. The courts can garnish his wages and send the IRS after him, but he can put her through years of hell before she gets any money. Not trying to be negative, just real. I hope he does fulfill his responsiibility as a father...........

 

[easysurfer]

Simple Girl,

That's great news. Nothing irritates the courts more than when someone doesn't show up. Wonder if that had any influence on the ruling of full order of protection for a year.

Great news about your niece set up for counseling.

Sounds like much progress on both fronts.

 

[Telly]

simple girl, a few more tasks for your niece, if no one has advised her of this...

The week before school starts, she needs to go to each school her kids go to. To have the school records changed, so the husband is delisted as a contact person, valid pick-up person, and as a person who has the right to withdraw the student(s). She needs to talk with the proper office person, and must bring the court order with her. They will need to see the court order, and they might make a copy of it. No court order, nothing happens. This is standard operating practice in schools today.

Some schools keep a hot list of persona non grata handy at the front desk, most require the school staff to always check the computer before anyone can pick them up, withdraw them, see them, even bring them lunch. A lot of bad stuff goes on today among adults, and kids get yanked around or disappear with one parent/x-friend/doper/mental case/abuser/all of the above.

She should not wait until classes start, because the first day or two of school is a poor time to try to get things done, they have their hands full then. But she needs to work with the regular office people who handle this type of thing during the year, which usually means waiting till the week before school starts so they are all back and in place.

Once again, don't forget the court order. Otherwise, it is just another parent telling stories. No need to get into stories with the school folks. A few words and the court order will do it. They've seen it all before.

 

[simple girl]

Thank you so much Telly! I have copied your advice verbatim and sent it to her.

simple girl, a few more tasks for your niece, if no one has advised her of this...

The week before school starts, she needs to go to each school her kids go to. To have the school records changed, so the husband is delisted as a contact person, valid pick-up person, and as a person who has the right to withdraw the student(s). She needs to talk with the proper office person, and must bring the court order with her. They will need to see the court order, and they might make a copy of it. No court order, nothing happens. This is standard operating practice in schools today.

Some schools keep a hot list of persona non grata handy at the front desk, most require the school staff to always check the computer before anyone can pick them up, withdraw them, see them, even bring them lunch. A lot of bad stuff goes on today among adults, and kids get yanked around or disappear with one parent/x-friend/doper/mental case/abuser/all of the above.

She should not wait until classes start, because the first day or two of school is a poor time to try to get things done, they have their hands full then. But she needs to work with the regular office people who handle this type of thing during the year, which usually means waiting till the week before school starts so they are all back and in place.

Once again, don't forget the court order. Otherwise, it is just another parent telling stories. No need to get into stories with the school folks. A few words and the court order will do it. They've seen it all before.

 

[Brat]

Should she provide a couple photos of the perp, one for the office and one for the teacher?

In my former community there was a threatening parent, the school got a restraining order too.

 

[Telly]

Should she provide a couple photos of the perp, one for the office and one for the teacher?

I wouldn't. The picture would get around, and could stigmatize the kids, who will be under enough stress the way it is.
Many schools have kids move from class to class, even in 3rd grade nowadays. It would take a lot of pictures to try to cover a situation like that. And soon the other kids would know. And kids can be rather brutal to other kids for the dumbest (to us) reasons.

A good thought, but in my opinion, it would be a step too far.

 

[Brat]

Didn't realize that.

 

[KM]

So far, so good. In all honesty I don't think he will just walk away. He will try to use the children as leverage to insert himself into her life. Also, I don't think he will pay court ordered support. This is only the first round of a life-long battle.

Excellent news, but I concur with Brat. She may need support for a long time - but day by day she will become just a little bit stronger.

On the other hand, if he is like my sister's first husband (who wasn't abusive, he just left her) - once he sees the court order for support, he may pack his bags and just disappear. Even if the children don't get to see their father, that is not always a bad thing.... Is he "rooted" to the area for other reasons?