Guilt v. Helping Loved Ones - fear of being tied down

[CindyBlue]

Cindy you are jumping ahead here. one step at a time, otherwise it's absolutely overwhelming. Don't read stuff on the net, just call an eldercare attorney.

Ivinsfan, you are right. I am panicking, and thank goodness for you and the other helpful, experienced people here, or I'd go crazy. I think your idea of enlisting the help of an eldercare attorney is a good idea. I'll go looking for one as soon as I retire (in less than two weeks!

 

[gwraigty]

Can I relate a couple of bullets that I've managed to dodge? Because of my past caregiving experiences, I'm (hopefully) determined not to rinse and repeat.

My father wasn't in my life very much, but not because he didn't want to be. Multiple events led to an on-again-off-again relationship. The last time it was on-again, in the meantime, he'd developed a drinking problem/gambling problem/contracted untreated Hep C. Sigh. That wasn't the man he'd been before.

He occasionally asked for money from us, which I refused after having to nag him to pay back the first loan we gave him. I wasn't willing to subsidize his drinking/gambling. At one point, he wanted to move in with us. (This was after my grandmother had passed, so my experiences with her were still quite fresh.) I told him that he was never going to live with us because of his problems. I still cared about him, but I wasn't going to expose my husband and kids to the difficulties those issues would cause. My family came first.

His health continued to decline and he died at 67 about 11 years ago. Of any regrets I've had, not taking him in is not one of them. In his final months, he'd arranged home health care for himself. If he'd been with us, that wouldn't have been enough, for details I won't disturb you with.

One bullet dodged.

My FIL and SMIL are still both living at 86 and 78, respectively. Of all their 5 remaining kids, (1 of hers died a few years ago at age 48, they had none together), my husband is the only one who stayed nearby. The others all took off for different states right after attaining adulthood. We live 45 minutes away.

They're both declining, her more rapidly over the last year or so. Now, despite my previous caregiving experiences, I might have been inclined to help out somewhat. My kids are grown, my husband still works, I am available. But...

We're like sandpaper rubbing together. You could light a fire with the friction between us. There are a few reasons. However, the one that's most relevant is that when I gave birth to my first child - their first grandchild/step-grandchild - they did nothing to help this brand new mother, even after I fell sick within a few days of giving birth. (I'd probably picked up a virus in the hospital.)

At the time, we lived less than half an hour away. They were the only grandparents in my newborn's life. Weren't they supposed to dote on her, be ready when I needed advice, or a much-needed break, in those early days? They were already retired, at 62 and 55! But, no. They wanted to be grandparents in name only, I guess. I was sick. My newborn was sick in a different way - I later learned she had a milk intolerance at the time. They would not involve themselves in any way. I was frantic and worried.

But guess who did help? My grandparents. They were 76 and 74 at the time! They came to my rescue one day, when my husband was out of town for work. I desperately needed to buy some soy formula (at the doctor's suggestion) in the hopes that my daughter would be able to keep something down (she did keep the soy down and started to thrive). After that, my grandparents came once a week, every week (until my grandfather's death), for 4 hours to visit their first great-grandchild and give me a bit of a break.

My FIL and SMIL felt (and still do feel) they had the right to criticize, but no desire to lift a finger to help. Nothing changed with the birth of my son, either. IMO, it's shameful when people their age (mid 50's to early 60's at the time) wouldn't help, while a couple in their 70's dropped everything to be there. Needless to say, my grandparents didn't like my in-laws much.

So, all these years later, I feel absolutely no desire to help my FIL or SMIL now. They can pay for any help they need. They haven't asked, AFAIK, but my husband knows my feelings on the matter. (If I did try to help, I'd probably be criticized to death during the process anyway.)

Dodging bullet number 2, so far.

 

[gwraigty]

Thank you for your thoughtful post.
My biggest issue is that they have no money. How can they afford to go into an assisted living place, or get home health care, if all they have is their social security, and that's not much? Who pays? Is it me? And if I do, my retirement funds will be seriously if not totally depleted. What do people DO in this situation?

What Spock said. My grandmother had some funds that lasted for awhile in the nursing home. After that, I was told that Medicaid would come into play. Many people don't even have the funds to start out as private pay. That was the situation with my great-grandmother.

 

[youbet]

So, all these years later, I feel absolutely no desire to help my FIL or SMIL now. They can pay for any help they need. They haven't asked, AFAIK, but my husband knows my feelings on the matter.

You might consider that in addition to letting your DH know your feelings, you also add that you'll completely respect HIS feelings in the situation and not interfere (even in attitude) in any way. As long as, as you say, your in laws can pay their own way for any help they need in geezerhood, there won't be much your DH needs to do other than be there for them emotionally and perhaps manage financial matters as they decline cognitively.

Perhaps they'll chose to buy into a quality CCRC. Then other than reviewing their general situation periodically, DH will only need to visit as he wishes.

Having the resources to pay your own way and acquire the necessary services in geezerhood smooths out most situations.

 

[jollystomper]

Much of this discussion reminds me of why I'm 100% OK with the caregiver child receiving all or most of any inheritance or being compensated very generously during the caregiving period. Siblings who feel shorted when the caregiving child is "taken care of" in the final bequest or through compensation should have been more available to help.

I agree, this was our experience. Our culture in different, perhaps. It is considered an honor to take care of an aging parent. In addition, we are very fortunate in that though we had our differences and fights when young, in adulthood my siblings and I (there are seven of us)are close and get along great. One of my sisters who was single with no kids at the time was the main help to my mom when our dad was dying of cancer. She lived the closest and never complained about helping out. The rest of us did when we could.

Years later when our mothers health declined, all of us had made plans to be able to take mom in if needed, but this sister was still single and continued to sacrifice to be the main caregiver. The rest of us contributed towards a daily home nurse to help out (though my mom kept saying she had enough to cover it, and fortunately kept her mental health until the end), used vacation time to give this sister breaks, paid for any repairs that came up (not expensive when split 7 ways), etc. This sister even delayed getting married due to taking care of mom (her then boyfriend now husband understand and was exceedingly patient).

Years after mom died, when we sold our parents house, our parents had indicated how they wanted us to divide the proceeds, but the rest of us thought this sister should get more. That was probably the biggest argument we had it years - sister did not think she deserved more, then she came up with a number that was half of what we thought she should get, etc. At least these are the good arguments to have.

Unfortunately is has and will be different on DW's side. Her parents live much further away from us, and two of her siblings live about 20 minutes from them. Her parents had separated but not divorced When her father died of cancer. One sibling, a sister, essentially stole her fathers property and financial accounts. She rationalized she deserved this as she lived the closest and spent the most time with him, ignoring his requests (sadly while he told everyone everything he wanted done with his assets he never put it in writing), to the point of trying to pressure us to pay for the funeral even though he had an account set aside to do that (her comment: "he probably was not in his right mind when he said that, he put too much money in that account for a funeral" ). The other nearby sibling, a brother, convinced another sibling to lend him money that he promised to pay back once the Dad's financial things were settled - which he never did and those two have not spoken to each other since. MIL is nearing 90 and still in relatively good health, and has put things in writing in place. But she is reluctant to tell one sibling about anything financial that she thinks will make them upset, we expect all h*ll to break loose among any surviving sibling when she passes.

 

[ivinsfan]

Huh? Your comment sounds as though you're referring to some post other than mine........ Or you're reading something into my post that isn't there.

I'm simply saying that I'm completely OK with it when I hear about a caregiver child being compensated at the time, or later via an unequally divided inheritance, to the detriment of siblings who chose not to participate in caregiving.

I just meant when someone is in that situation it's not money that makes it better..it's the parent expressing trust in the caregiver. I certainly didn't think you were talking about you own situation. ....again not referring to you personally... the general you was for a parent needing to lean on a particular child for caregiving. a situation where one child is the lone ranger.

 

[youbet]

I just meant when someone is in that situation it's not money that makes it better..it's the parent expressing trust in the caregiver. I certainly didn't think you were talking about you own situation. ....again not referring to you personally...

I didn't say, and didn't mean to say, that a child should be "bribed into service" by offers of compensation or inheritance a priori. I am saying that if a care giving child steps up to the plate for parents at their time of need and a sibling(s) doesn't, I'm fine with the care giver receiving more from the parents estate than the others. The crap about all the kiddies receiving the same percentage being the "fair" way to do it is BS, IMHO.

Little irks me more than hearing a whining sibling of a care giver complain that the care giver received some unexpected perk after mom and/or dad passed away.

Never been in the situation myself as I'm an only child and DW's parents entered geezerhood broke. But we've had friends and relatives where their parents were well heeled and when they received "extra" from the parents estates in recognition of their loyalty and sacrifice, they had siblings (who generally ducked doing anything) moaning and crying. Pathetic.........

 

[easysurfer]

I'm going through the same thing... you couldn't have said it better.
I am struggling with the guilt of not wanting to be tied down again just as we are finally retiring, and the pull of responsibility as my dad and his wife decline in their mental health. We really only finally figured out their decline in mental condition last December, and have since been frantically trying to put the financial pieces back together ever since - we think we might finally have gotten a tentative handle on it. But they have no money, which makes us financially responsible, and, right or wrong, I resent that I might have to spend my dearly and carefully saved retirement money (just enough, no extra) to take care of them. We are dealing with their health issues, too, and their driving issues. And they do all sorts of things that undermine many of the things that we are trying to take care of for them. They have proven the they can't take care of these things themselves, but they think they can, and get resentful when we have to do it.
I keep looking online at house properties at least two states away. I am feeling sorry for myself, and trapped, and feel terribly guilty about feeing that way. I'm hoping that the stresses of retiring, with all the doubts I'm having about doing so, will ease up when I actually do retire in about two weeks, and maybe help my anxious feelings about the parent situation to ease up, too.
Meanwhile, it felt good to finally be able to say this "out loud" - thank you, CaliKid, for bringing up this topic.

CindyBlue (and CaliKid an others), I feel your pain. My situation isn't as apparent as what you are going through but have a somewhat similar situation with a sibling. She is not married so things default to other siblings. More accurately, the responsible siblings as others are either "too busy" or pretty much are too worried about their own life than about the show any empathy.

CindyBlue ... the part about "But they have no money, which makes us financially responsible, and, right or wrong, I resent that I might have to spend my dearly and carefully saved retirement money (just enough, no extra) to take care of them." ...

I don't see why you should be financially responsible. Are they to the point of qualifying for assistance (like Medicaid)? In my sister's situation, yes, she qualifies. Thus, I'm not raiding my life savings to support her. Yet, there is still resentment on my part as I end up having to navigate the ins and outs of medicaid qualification, household assistance, scheduling and driving her to doctors appointments and anything else that comes the way while other family members are busy living their own lives or bragging about how successful they are on Facebook. Some folks talk a big talk, but when the moment of truth comes, they are no where to be found.

 

[ivinsfan]

I didn't say, and didn't mean to say, that a child should be "bribed into service" by offers of compensation or inheritance a priori. I am saying that if a care giving child steps up to the plate for parents at their time of need and a sibling(s) doesn't, I'm fine with the care giver receiving more from the parents estate than the others. The crap about all the kiddies receiving the same percentage being the "fair" way to do it is BS, IMHO.

Little irks me more than hearing a whining sibling of a care giver complain that the care giver received some unexpected perk after mom and/or dad passed away.

Never been in the situation myself as I'm an only child and DW's parents entered geezerhood broke. But we've had friends and relatives where their parents were well heeled and when they received "extra" from the parents estates in recognition of their loyalty and sacrifice, they had siblings (who generally ducked doing anything) moaning and crying. Pathetic.........

I agree with your comments and money can be hot topic too. There is a downside where the kid who has the empathy and took care of the parents then has the sibling relationship further damaged by getting told they got special treatment or influenced the parents to give them money. Sometimes no good deed goes unpunished. You and I might both think the whining sibs are complete asshats but still , the loss of them permanently just because you stepped up and did the right thing is really depressing.

 

[gwraigty]

You might consider that in addition to letting your DH know your feelings, you also add that you'll completely respect HIS feelings in the situation and not interfere (even in attitude) in any way. As long as, as you say, your in laws can pay their own way for any help they need in geezerhood, there won't be much your DH needs to do other than be there for them emotionally and perhaps manage financial matters as they decline cognitively.

Perhaps they'll chose to buy into a quality CCRC. Then other than reviewing their general situation periodically, DH will only need to visit as he wishes.

Having the resources to pay your own way and acquire the necessary services in geezerhood smooths out most situations.

While your perspective has merit, respectfully, you don't know my in-laws or all the details of our situation.

I do respect my husband's feelings in the matter. He feels much the same way as I do. We used to see them regularly, now only once a year, for various reasons. He keeps in touch with what's going on with a weekly phone call. He could go and visit them anytime he wants. He chooses not to. He got a case of poison ivy the last time he helped his father in the woods on the property. He refused to do it again. I don't know if he's been asked to do other things, but...

My husband has had a health issue of his own since 2014 that he's kept from them and certain things aggravate it. It's one of those frustrating things where test after test show nothing wrong, but the chronic pain is still there. It's not getting worse or better. It's just persistently there. He's lost weight because eating the amount he used to aggravates it. (And he didn't need to lose any weight.) At times, we've thought the worst. It appears to have stabilized, whatever it is. He's able to eat enough to maintain the weight he has. Taking over their hard physical chores, like chopping wood for a fireplace, clearing woods, just isn't something he can do right now. I'm respecting his decision not to tell them.

Several years ago, when we saw them much more regularly, my husband asked them what arrangements they had made for their finances, just in case of what you mention above. An awkward silence followed. My SMIL quickly said that she'll take care of him and my FIL will take care of her. They acted annoyed that he asked. He never brought it up again.

They can't handle the house they're living in anymore, yet my FIL refuses to move, despite my SMIL's wishes to the contrary. Her health is much worse than his.

Both of them didn't hesitate to put their parents (and an elderly uncle) in a nursing home/assisted living at the first sign that keeping them in their homes was going to require them to actually DO something to help out in some way. Just like with their grandkids, they couldn't be bothered. They'd visit them in the facility on Mondays and handle the finances.

My FIL isn't facing the reality that someday he might need the same.

 

[Franklin]

Check out medicaid (not medicare) facilities.
https://www.medicaid.gov/medicaid/ltss/institutional/nursing/index.html

Such good advice from everyone. I went thru this over the past few years with a stroke broken brother and a 94 year old mom. Guilt, resentment, fear, etc are all common. Many days I wanted to just walk away. Most importantly, take care of yourself as the caregiving will take a toll on your health. I wound up in ER from the stress and learned to take it day by day. Fast forward both are now deceased and i do feel blessed I was able to be there for them (even-though I had those days I wanted them to pass on)

So couple of plus ones.
1) hire an elder attorney. I didn't like my attorney but he did guide me thru the process. I had a limit on how much I was going to spend on brothers and moms care and the attorney was prepared to seek Medicaid for their behalf.
Both passed before we turned to medicaid.

2) There will be a time where assisted living becomes a clear choice. Typically when they cant handle their meals and meds. And yes this come out of your pocket (or theirs). Life got much easier for all after we moved to assisted living.

3) Regarding how you pay for this.....in my case I put Moms house on the market and sold it after about six months after she entered the facility. I came out of pocket until that time. We then hired "extra help" to take care of the needs not covered in assisted living. The extra help was a god send and we used moms house proceeds to cover this cost. If we ran out of money then Medicaid was in the plan.

Lastly, mom and brother passed away with $'s still in the bank. So, now my next chapter is doing the same for MIL and FIL. I am wiser now and feel better equipped to take this honor on. In hindsight it was a real pain in the tush....but worth the pain. Just remember, this to will pass.

 

[Spock]

Ivinsfan, you are right. I am panicking, and thank goodness for you and the other helpful, experienced people here, or I'd go crazy. I think your idea of enlisting the help of an eldercare attorney is a good idea. I'll go looking for one as soon as I retire (in less than two weeks!

Another resource I thought of later... some states/counties have some sort of elder care "clearing house" that has a lot of links to resources. Locally here is its called "Pima Council on Aging".
https://www.pcoa.org/ways-we-help/
They have lists of all of the different "meals on wheels" programs, home health help, emergency alert systems, transportation, etc.


It might take some googling to find (if there is such a thing in your area) and a case worker at a local hospital or nursing home might be able to point you to it.

 

[Badger]

I lived a mile from my parents and as they got older they needed more help. I was always glad to do any repairs on their condo or run errands, etc. Then dad began to deteriorate mentally and when it got to the point of having to go over in the middle of the night to help when they would fall it started getting dangerous for them. I tried to hire a nurse or CNA a few times but that didn't work out well. So I put a deposit down on a nice assisted living facility and soon moved them in. Did I feel guilty? I don't think so. There is no way I could have taken care of them, made sure they got all their medications each day, drive them to grocery shop, cook their meals, or help take care of their personal hygiene. I did feel bad that they had lived most of their lives and that was something I couldn't do anything about. But I could ensure they would be in a social environment that would keep them safe, with nutritious meals, and with medical help always available. The other up side was I was always near as their advocate to visit and make sure they were treated well.
I had to do this not only with my parents before they passed but also with my wife's mother before she passed. Now they are gone and we have no regrets for how we made sure their last years were comfortable and safe.


Cheers!

 

[Mdlerth]

Blame it on the bureaucracy

As far as how to get them to into the facility, that will depend on individual circumstance. At this point, I'm stuck with getting them declared legally incompetent first before I can do anything. There are stories of those who have tricked parents into going... others have been able to take them on a tour of a facility or a "try it you'll like it" stay. But I haven't figured out a way to get a uncooperative parent into a safer environment against their will.

My parents didn't merely resist our suggestions to move out of the house they could no longer manage; they went ballistic. Nuclear. Apocalypse. Shouting, tears, accusations, tantrums, guilt...

None of their five kids wanted to be The Bad Guy and force them anywhere. M&D would never forgive that, regardless that it would be an act of love and courage. But their own stubbornness rebounded on them.

After one trip too many to the emergency room to be rehydrated after forgetting to eat/drink for two days, the hospital contacted Social Services. They were ordered transferred to a rehabilitation facility (i.e. nursing home) until they could demonstrate ability to thrive on their own.

So far, they're still alive two years longer than they would have been otherwise.

No tricks, no pleading, no bargaining. It was the all-powerful, faceless machinery of government that "put them there". None of us kids has to live with recriminations or regrets.

 

[Jeffman52]

Some really good information. Luckily or unluckily, my own Parents and Grandparents have all passed away and all of them without me having to deal with living issues but rather having to execute their estates (which was more just making sure I closed out their lives properly from a business standpoint because none of them had money or possessions of value).

However my FIL is 88 coming up on 89 and my wife and I did uproot and move closer to help take care of him. Mostly he is OK, bad knees makes a life-line necessary at all times. But he has started to slip mentally, sending all his money (and that isnt much) out to Charity, and now he has it in his head that he is one more sweepstakes away from winning a million dollars. He even allowed a scammer to almost get him. They had him convinced he had won....if he just send them the taxes needed... you know the drill. This guy that used to be so critical of this stuff and so frugal is now easily swayed by this kind of stuff. But so far so good. We now collect all the inbound and outbound mail and sift through it to take out any credit card numbers or actual cash that we redeposit in his account.

We do want to try to keep him in his own if possible. But at least its not us alone. The other family members are sharing the load and one of the cousins (very trustworthy) sold their house and moved into the rental next door to clean and watch out for things. I cant imagine having to do all that without support.

 

[ivinsfan]

MDlerth, they call that tough love and I see it a viable solution for people. Yet, it won't work if guilty feelings are any part of your makeup. Now to be clear, you and anybody else doing it this way, have absolutely nothing to be guilty about. So much of the guilt we see in these two pages is self imposed and not based in reality.

 

[Mdlerth]

Feelings are impractical, illogical, and inseparable from our humanity

MDlerth, they call that tough love

+1

Emphasis on the "tough".

 

[ivinsfan]

+1

Emphasis on the "tough".

And of course it's tough on both ends of the problem...nobody gets off scott-free..

 

[Spock]

My parents didn't merely resist our suggestions to move out of the house they could no longer manage; they went ballistic. Nuclear. Apocalypse. Shouting, tears, accusations, tantrums, guilt...

None of their five kids wanted to be The Bad Guy and force them anywhere. M&D would never forgive that, regardless that it would be an act of love and courage. But their own stubbornness rebounded on them.

After one trip too many to the emergency room to be rehydrated after forgetting to eat/drink for two days, the hospital contacted Social Services. They were ordered transferred to a rehabilitation facility (i.e. nursing home) until they could demonstrate ability to thrive on their own.

So far, they're still alive two years longer than they would have been otherwise.

No tricks, no pleading, no bargaining. It was the all-powerful, faceless machinery of government that "put them there". None of us kids has to live with recriminations or regrets.

Except the faceless machinery won't engage, at least not here. Glad it did for you.

After Dad's last fall I tried engaging both the hospital and his PCP. Hospital (both the attending physician and the case worker) wanted to discharge him to a nursing home. A patient is able to refuse and discharge themselves "AMA - against medical advice", and Dad did.

The hospital response: He is "orientated x4" (knows his name, knows what day it is (nurses write it on the whiteboard in his room), know where he is, know why he is there). Their line was "he is making decisions, they are just bad decisions".

PCP: same line almost word for word: "he is making decisions, they are just bad decisions". Dad's trust docs say I take over as POA "when a doctor states I am no longer competent", but the Dr will never do that. They issue the MMSE test and since the patient is orientedx4 and can subtract 7 from 100, the score is high enough to let him go home alone.

According to the attorney I'm left with taking Dad to court to have him declared incompetent, arrange for myself to be appointed guardian, and hope Dad doesn't "have a good day" in front of the judge.

 

[PatrickA5]

I never could get dad to consider any type of help - even in-home help. He lived by himself at home until his "final" fall at age 97. I did finally get him to have a once a month housekeeper come in, but towards the end he wouldn't answer the door and hid so the housekeeper couldn't see him. It was a LONG last decade of his life - for him and for me. Fall after fall. Numerous trips to the ER. He always recovered and came back home. He always told me her would rather be dead than go to a nursing home. He almost got his wish as his nursing home stay lasted less than a day.

My brother lived in another state, so I was the one to handle everything. DB would normally come home for a while when dad was in the hospital, but would leave soon - leaving me to handle things. I know my brother felt bad for not being able to do more, but I pretty much resented having to handle everything. But, in the end, dad lived his life the way he wanted and I was happy (for the most part) to help out. It was hard and I think it would have been a LOT better if he would have gone into assisted living at some point.

I don't plan on burdening my kids. DW and I are already looking into where we might end up.

 

[audreyh1]

I agree, this was our experience. Our culture in different, perhaps. It is considered an honor to take care of an aging parent. In addition, we are very fortunate in that though we had our differences and fights when young, in adulthood my siblings and I (there are seven of us)are close and get along great. One of my sisters who was single with no kids at the time was the main help to my mom when our dad was dying of cancer. She lived the closest and never complained about helping out. The rest of us did when we could.

It seems that in cultures that value caring for an elderly parent, it is expected that the parent go live with the caregiver. In the US, however, it seems like the aging parent often expects to age in their own home, maintaining their current lifestyle as best possible, and is unwilling to move/change to accommodate their caregiver. This often sets up an impossible situation.

 

[Starsky]

You might want to consider just living your life day-by-day and letting your parent live theirs, rather than move to another state in anticipation of some as-yet-to-be-determined responsibility. You sound resigned and prepared for the financial burden, which is huge. Paying for his/her care, and also being out of state, might be a worse situation for you than living closer.

I took care of both my parents before they passed, but they had the resources to pay for their care - hospice for dad, Alzheimers facility for mom. I was surprised by their awareness of their situation, and of their ability to adapt to the changes that were necessary. Yes, there were days where the caregiving was a chore; and I regret feeling that way. (I'm sure that they put up with a lot more from me when I was young.) I did feel tethered for a few years, but there was nothing real to go away to - just a 'feeling' to be explored and acknowledged. Fortunately I was never pushed to have to act on that feeling.

In hindsight though, it was a special time that I am glad I got to spend with them. Their passing helped me learn how to approach my own mortality, and to slow down and appreciate the moments we had together. I know it's different for everyone, and it probably sounds corny, but I considered it a privilege to be able to give my unconditional love back to my parents for all the unconditional love they gave to me.

You will find the right decision for you and your family. It's healthy to be thinking about these things. Don't let your fear overcome your reality and you'll be ok. Best wishes!

 

[Teacher Terry]

I helped my mom care for my dad after his big stroke at 59. He lived 14 years. We lived Nextdoor and helped each other. She helped with the kids so I could go to college. We spent a lot of time together which was nice. Shortly before he died we moved across the country for work. From ages 78-89 my mom had various bouts of cancer and I would use my vacation to help as needed. My siblings were older and closer so they helped. The last few years she had times where she couldn’t be alone for weeks at a time and they would rotate being retired. No one wanted to relocate at the time so that wasn’t a issue.

 

[jIMOh]

We have one of our parent's here locally near us. There is another child locally but they are not as equipped (financially or emotionally) to help with that parent. Parent is in their 70's and moderately healthy. We do not want to stay here and be the caretaker but we both feel guilty about it. Well, some days feel guilty and some days want to leave quickly, and move to another state, before we become the full time caretaker. We will end up financially caring for this parent because they didn't save any money and that's fine. Is what it is. However, we don't want the emotional toll/time suck of being the physical caretaker. It feels wrong as I type it. I suppose my question is if any of you ended up in long term caretaker situations and you resent it, are happy you did it, or other!? I have a cousin who has ended up as caretaker for their mom who is over 100 and I can tell they resent it a little bit. Love it at times but get tired of it at times. I suppose I am feeling selfish but I want to live my life. Would love to hear of your experiences.

This is not the direct answer to your question
I use simple logic when making decisions like this

"Will I look back and regret the decision I make, or question the logic I used to make the decision".

I have mixed results with the decisions I make, but that is the question I ask.

3 examples
1) in 2012 I left engineering to try financial planning. I don't regret the decision at all. That decision created a divorce, killed my credit (because of the divorce) and ultimate led to me moving from Ohio to Michigan in 2016. There is a chain reaction which followed the decision, but I do not regret the decision. I second guess myself sometimes, but I learned way more about life having my own business and not working for a megacorp.

2) in 2016 when I moved, I chose to move away from my kids (which are 11 right now). I see them in the summer. This decision has possible regret on it, and if I could have stayed in Ohio I would have, but that is not an area which needs engineers. I justify the decision because I will be able to pay for their college in 7 years, I am much happier (I left Ohio, just sayin) and the time I spend with my kids is higher quality time when I see them. I miss being there for the little things, but life is not perfect.

3) related to 2016 move, I want to move west. I know I would see my parents less (they are 81 and 76 and live 360 miles away). I know this move would mean I see my kids less. I choose to not make this decision now because I would regret it, and prefer to see my parents more.

The advice I would give you is if you would look back in time and wish you had spent time with family member in need, don't move. It may add stress to your life short term, longer term, you can say you live with no regrets.

 

[gwraigty]

if I could have stayed in Ohio I would have, but that is not an area which needs engineers.

Off-topic, but a broad brush statement there. My husband has been an engineer in Ohio, employed by the same company for over 32 years. They're always seeking engineers and sometimes have trouble filling job postings. Maybe it depends on the type of engineering?