Keep it equitable between kids?

[WD40 or duct tape]

In need of advice - DW, youngest child (15), and I started a new hobby, SCUBA, and we're loving it so far. Oldest child (17) has no interest at all in learning SCUBA. I'm quickly learning just how pricey this new activity can be.
In our house, I preach FIE (Fair Isn't Equal). However, this is kind of a unique situation and I really don't want to cause a sibling rift right before the oldest leaves for college. It's never been an issue before as they've both participated in the same activities.

I considered averaging the cost of the classes & gear per person and giving the same to the oldest to pursue an educational hobby / or open a custodial and let him invest that amount? Any other ideas? Am I overthinking?

 

[Sunset]

It's been a long time, so maybe you could tell us what scuba costs now to start. I'm thinking $2K.

I can see why being preachy can backfire (Fair Isn't Equal)

How about asking the kid going to college what they think they might need or let them know you will pay for $2K worth of computer/books etc. Of course this won't work if you were planning to pay for those for both anyhow.

 

[Souschef]

I quickly found out that PADI means Put another dollar in.
I treat my sons equally, but only one had children, so I set up 529 accounts for them. I have given an equivalent amount to the other son.

 

[f35phixer]

Wait till they want to come golfing with you !!!!!!!!!

round of golf is not cheap and price of clubs is lots.
But it does make me smile when DD cusses like a sailor on golf course. She learned it all from me ;-)

 

[Luvtoride]

WD40, I would say you're over thinking it. Is this the FIRST time that one son hasn't participated in the same equal cost activity that the other son did? If so, that is amazing!
When my daughters were growing up, one was a dancer and the other was a club soccer player. Both involved a certain amount of costs but we never tried to "keep it equitable" in terms of $ spent.
Today, the dancer daughter has two girls, one who is a gymnast and the other does dancing and by far, the gymnast costs much more with private lessons in addition to the regular classes, etc.
If the older son has a particular hobby or activity he would rather do than Scuba, then by all means, pay for it, but I wouldn't think it has to be of equal value necessarily.

 

[WD40 or duct tape]

It's been a long time, so maybe you could tell us what scuba costs now to start. I'm thinking $2K.

I can see why being preachy can backfire (Fair Isn't Equal)

How about asking the kid going to college what they think they might need or let them know you will pay for $2K worth of computer/books etc. Of course this won't work if you were planning to pay for those for both anyhow.

$2k is about what I'm estimating per person.

Preachy was probably the wrong word choice - when the "dad" voice has to come out It rarely happens as they're both great kids (take after Momma)

529's / scholarships should have college covered.

 

[WestUniversity]

OP - I understand where you’re coming from. It’s one thing to miss a dinner out with the rest of the family. This is a bit different.

Even if the kids have a fantastic relationship with each other and you, in my experience this is one of those things that can get mentally filed away by the children.

If the dollars are significant, as one of the other posters mentioned perhaps some sort of financial assistance in another area makes sense. It sounds like something DW and I would have done.

Best of luck in your decision…

 

[pb4uski]

In need of advice - DW, youngest child (15), and I started a new hobby, SCUBA, and we're loving it so far. Oldest child (17) has no interest at all in learning SCUBA. I'm quickly learning just how pricey this new activity can be.
In our house, I preach FIE (Fair Isn't Equal). However, this is kind of a unique situation and I really don't want to cause a sibling rift right before the oldest leaves for college. It's never been an issue before as they've both participated in the same activities.

I considered averaging the cost of the classes & gear per person and giving the same to the oldest to pursue an educational hobby / or open a custodial and let him invest that amount? Any other ideas? Am I overthinking?

You gave both of them the opportunity to learn to SCUBA and participate... that is equal.... the fact that one chose to participate and the other didn't is on them, not on you.

I have a similar issue. We paid 4 years of tuition, room & board, etc for DD. DS has, thus far, chosen not to go to college (and is doing fine). A part of me thinks that at some point I should be generous with DS to start to even things up... the other part of me says that they were given the same opportunity so its not on me.

BTW, I periodically remind DS that if he decides to go to college or even just take some classes that we will gladfully pay for it.... academics just isn't his thing.

 

[Philliefan33]

Have you paid for hobbies for the son who doesn’t want to dive? If yes, and he just doesn’t care to join you with the SCUBA, I wouldn’t worry about it. At age 17 he’s old enough to get beyond the “it’s not fair!”

Both of our daughters played multiple “travel” sports. Some years we spent more on one kid, some years more on the other. It depended on how far/often the particular teams traveled. I never added it up but I suspect we spent more on the younger because she played on higher level teams that routinely traveled out of state. But we never had to say “no” to either one due to financial constraints, so it was equal.

A couple of years ago we did make things equal by gifting DD1 and her husband money. We paid for their relatively small wedding, but DD2 followed up 16 months later with a big bash. They each had the type of wedding they wanted and I don’t think the older sister felt cheated, but we felt better making the dollar amount equal.

 

[CardsFan]

"No one said life was fair, at least no one said it to me" (name the movie and character)

To OP, yes, I think you are overthinking this. Simply ask the older sibling if there is something THEY would want to do, as a family or on their own. You may find they say "No thanks, I'm fine" and really mean it. Or, they may want to sky dive.

 

[Aerides]

I'd probably just keep track of the expense, and then, if/when other child asks for something, you are ready. I wouldn't offer up an immediate balancing, but kind of just be ready for when the time comes. You don't want the 17 year old going.. Hmm ok I guess I'll try horseback riding... just because the money is being offered.

Better to have a plan for when there is a need, vs. other kid finding something just to spend the money because it's offered. So, in 18 months or 5 years, when other kid (yes I realize they'll be out of the house then) has a desire you can help with, you step in with an offer.

 

[Bamaman]

I wouldn't worry about it. Son #1 will be coming after you for money to go to Spring Break soon enough.

It's going to balance out sooner than later with him.

 

[Bamaman]

I wouldn't worry about it at this time. Son #1 is going off to college, and he'll be coming to you for the money to go on Spring Break.

It's going to balance out sooner than later.

I recently went to the dive shop to get a new mask. I couldn't believe that the prices start at $100 and go up from there.

Last time I went to dive at Cozumel, my BC bladder had rotted and blew up. I just trashed it. It was a good time to throw away my PADI card and retire from the sport permanently.

 

[bclover]

We never did the equal thing. Youngest went to college and grad school, my oldest didn't want to go. I darn sure am not handing him 40k just to even things out ��

I'm also in the "you're overthinking" this group.

My older brother was a professional drummer, as long as I can remember he had some kind of music lesson, I never ever felt any kind of animosity or upset because I didn't get music lesson.

Your kids will be fine.

 

[Bigdawg]

I recently went to the dive shop to get a new mask. I couldn't believe that the prices start at $100 and go up from there.

Last time I went to dive at Cozumel, my BC bladder had rotted and blew up. I just trashed it. It was a good time to throw away my PADI card and retire from the sport permanently.

Retire from diving? Sacrilege! In January I will celebrate 30 years of being an Advanced Open Water diver. Just returned from 13 dives in Roatan. "Diving is life, everything else is just surface interval". Okinawa, Kenya, California and now Roatan. Adding St Croix in November and Bonaire in February.

OP, I'm in the over thinking it camp. Don't keep score.

 

[FlaGator]

I'm in the "keep it reasonably equal" camp.

We're not talking about equalizing tuition at an Ivy League vs. A/C school, this is pure recreation. But with an eye on finding something(s) one can do to stay active and fit for decades.

I would keep a mental tally of what this fun for the younger is costing and encourage the older to explore physical activities they can pursue well into adulthood - cycling, tennis, racquetball come to mind. Make a comparable amount available to him to try a few things. He doesn't need to know the $$ you have earmarked, just encourage him to look at things.

If my parents had done something like this, maybe I wouldn't have sat on my a$$ for years before discovering how much I like riding a bicycle and the physical challenges I can create for myself when in the mood.

 

[Scuba]

Retire from diving? Sacrilege! In January I will celebrate 30 years of being an Advanced Open Water diver. Just returned from 13 dives in Roatan. "Diving is life, everything else is just surface interval". Okinawa, Kenya, California and now Roatan. Adding St Croix in November and Bonaire in February.



OP, I'm in the over thinking it camp. Don't keep score.

St. Croix has great diving. If you stay at Cane Bay, there is an awesome wall right offshore you can swim out to and explore at your leisure. We spent two weeks there in 2015 and loved it. The restaurants on STX were a notch up from the other USVI.

Bonaire also has nice diving. We saw seahorses and frogfish there.

 

[luckydude]

In need of advice - DW, youngest child (15), and I started a new hobby, SCUBA, and we're loving it so far. Oldest child (17) has no interest at all in learning SCUBA. I'm quickly learning just how pricey this new activity can be.
In our house, I preach FIE (Fair Isn't Equal). However, this is kind of a unique situation and I really don't want to cause a sibling rift right before the oldest leaves for college. It's never been an issue before as they've both participated in the same activities.

I considered averaging the cost of the classes & gear per person and giving the same to the oldest to pursue an educational hobby / or open a custodial and let him invest that amount? Any other ideas? Am I overthinking?

You're definitely overthinking this. I am all for being fair, but it's really not practical to try to balance out costs of activities/hobbies spent on each child, as they can have completely different interests and hobbies.

You're already being fair by offering the same recreational opportunity to each child. If a child declines, then that's definitely not on you.

Focus on being fair on the big stuff---funding college education, cars, annual cash gifts, inheritance, etc. A few 100s/1000s difference in costs of activities when they are young won't (and shouldn't) make a difference to kids.

 

[WD40 or duct tape]

Thanks all so much for the input. I'll need to sleep on it a few more times I suppose. The other wrinkle and perhaps why this is bugging me in my gut is the older (not in scuba) has been the chronic "scorekeeper" since childhood. The younger not at all. Although the older is maturing and turning into a good young man, we still catch glimpses of the "playing favorites" attitude.

 

[Aerides]

One more point here - the younger son isn't doing scuba on his own, right? he's doing it with the whole fam, minus older sib.

It's not like you're paying for lessons and gear and sending youngest off to scuba school. This is a family activity in which he is partaking. Just comes with a price tag, for everyone. So it's not like...Jimmy got guitar lessons let's put money aside for Joey to get a piano.

I wouldn't openly encourage a sleepy and somewhat less sociable 17 year old to get up and start bike riding or what have you. At this age that's more likely to backfire than not. As a formerly sleepy antisocial 17 year old, I'd have done it for a week to shut you up and never again. So, hold off on that. I mean when did you ever start a physical activity because your parents told you, and it stuck? You'd be in the minority. And the older may read into that.. "I'm trying to throw money at you so you'll be more like Jimmy"

So I'd leave well enough alone if everyone is doing ok otherwise, and just help "Joey" get through this last year and graduate and get off to college or whatever, ready to help out when they express a good idea.

 

[Act2]

Your comment about the older being the “scorekeeper” is interesting. I know that can be an important dynamic in some families.

 

[Katiek]

I don't have kids, but my parents were scrupulous about keeping things even among their kids. However, one thing that wasn't included in that calculation was any money spent on activities with my parents, probably to encourage time spent with the family. If we chose to go to an activity with our parents, the parents would pay, and the kid who chose to stay home wasn't entitled to an equally costly activity they could do with their friends.


In your case, I'd pay for the scuba activities your son did with you and wouldn't include those in any calculation of "keeping things equal" - although I'd ask if there were other activities the other son might want to do with the family and pay for them. However, if you also pay for expensive scuba trips and activities that aren't with the family, then I would make an effort to offer the opportunity for something reasonably equivalent to the other kid.

 

[brett]

My grandfather, an extremely canny Scot, offered his grandchildren a deal. For every dollar that they saved from one year to the next he would match with 25 cents. I took him up on it, others did not.

Was it fair to the others that he gave me a cheque every New Years Day after examining by bank book while the others got nothing?

My son went into fencing and several other sports. We had the resources to support those sports. My daughter was not a joiner and not interested. She certainly had the option. Yes, we supported her in other endeavours.

Not once did we or our children raise the issue of fairness based on dollars spent. The fairness was in the opportunity.

If we bought one bicycle of his/her choice for $200. and the other a bicycle of his/her choice for $250 does fairness imply that we should have spent another $50. on the former? I do not think so.

 

[Chuckanut]

BTW, I periodically remind DS that if he decides to go to college or even just take some classes that we will gladfully pay for it.... academics just isn't his thing.

Neither of my children decided to attend college soon after high school. But, one decided to go back to school in her mid 30's and polished her nursing skills. My support consisted of room, board, and help with expenses. Expensive, but worth it, IMHO.

Anyone can be a FATHER, but it takes someone special to be a DADDY.

 

[pacergal]

OP--I agree with others, most likely your college bound "scorekeeper" son will be asking for money for a trip with buddies sometime during college. You can even up then.

We, too, did much the same as you--"Fair is not equal", but also worked hard to be as equal as we could. It all worked out over time. One kid had more sports and travel, along with college for BS/MS. The other had expensive travel dance troupe, some college, then wedding/house down payment help.
Now they each have a child and the $ goes very equally to the grands!