Love the practice run but... ...

[Car-Guy]

Frank and I were both married to other people for a couple of decades early in life, before we met online back in 2000 (at which point we were both single). He's a widower and I'm a divorcee. So when it comes to the "time alone" vs "time together" conflicts, we have both BTDT before we ever met.

On our first date (at Denny's, for coffee ), I laid it all out - - that I don't want to marry, or to live together, or to share our money. I just want a caring and deeply emotionally committed relationship. Much to my joy and surprise he thought that was super since he is the eldest son in a well known old New Orleans family and was concerned about gold diggers. I had no idea.

After 15 years of caring, committed companionship, I bought the house next door to his house. So, we are convenient to one another but also can easily go home whenever needing more time alone.

His entire home is his "man cave" and I seldom go there. He comes over here and if I need more time alone I just tell him. We both have hobbies that we enjoy doing alone, and yet we both cherish one another's company as well.

So, if I was the OP I'd be slowly trying to persuade the wife to try something like this. Maybe start by making part of the house the man cave, and part the women cave, then moving to a duplex, or something like that. Has to be done lovingly and very slowly with reasons and intentions clearly communicated.

Really liked your post but I laughed when I read the highlighted part above. Do you have a key phrase or word that tells him when it's time to go home? Like "I'm going to get back to my knitting now". VS Go Home!

 

[W2R]

Really liked your post but I laughed when I read the highlighted part above. Do you have a key phrase or word that tells him when it's time to go home? Like "I'm going to get back to my knitting now". VS Go Home!

Well, if I say the latter then I make it a joke and we both laugh. Or I just tell him I really appreciate his time and visits, and right now I am going to take a nap so maybe we can talk more after dinner or whatever. Or, I ask him if he wants to watch me play Animal Crossing, a game I love but doesn't appeal to him. Sometimes I suggest that he may want to get on the radio and see what the other hams are talking about.

I dunno, he's a tough guy who has been around the block six ways from Sunday so it's hard to hurt his feelings.

 

[Koolau]

BUT, a big but, I need to find something to do outside the house and away from the spouse. Can't take the constant nagging just about anything and everything. Is this common?

We have gone through periods like this over the years. She has this what I call a "flaw" in which "There is one and only one right way" to do certain things. Hanging up the towels, for instance, is done "with the blue striped portion at the bottom front, not on the back. Otherwise, the pattern doesn't show." I don't disagree, but could care less about showing the pattern that no one will see (in the master bath.)

My grace in this situation is not to argue about it or explain that "it doesn't matter." Her grace is to simply "fix" the towel when I leave the bathroom.

Heh, heh, the flaw that used to drive me nuts: Along with that "There is one right way..." is that, in many case, it becomes "There's only one right way to do it THIS time." It's nothing I can possibly "learn" how to do the "right" way because the right way will be different next time. IOW if we take our showers together coolsmiley or one right after the other, there are two sets of towels which need to dry before placing in the laundry basket. Depending on the situation and what is already hanging on the "old-people-grab-bars in the shower" she'll put one there and another draped across the now empty towel bars. OR, she'll put both out on the laundry dry rack on the lanai. If I drape one across a chair on the lanai, she can't stand it. (A wet towel on a 50 year old hotel-furniture chair made of wicker might damage the wicker.)

Again, my grace is to simply allow her to redo what I have done and not take it personally.

SHE had to "train" me not to leave my shoes and socks in the middle of the floor when I got home. I think that was reasonable, but it took a while for me to understand why it was such a big deal.

It has taken a while, but we have arrived at compromises in our marriage that make it possible to live together. Mostly, we offer each other grace when we disagree -"agree to disagree."

It w*rks for us (mostly.)

 

[Koolau]

I know from years of posts on this board that it’s very unusual for a retired couple to have only one car.

When one of our two cars "died", we finally decided to stay with just one car. It's not been a problem where we both wanted the car at the same time. What HAS been a problem is that we have no back-up if, for instance, one car's battery goes belly up. That could be anywhere from sad to tragic. Otherwise, one car turns out to be enough for the few thousand miles we travel each year. YMMV

 

[Aerides]

What HAS been a problem is that we have no back-up if, for instance, one car's battery goes belly up.

yes you do, it's called uber.

 

[Car-Guy]

^^^^^
That's great for you "urban" dwellers.

 

[pb4uski]

We have gone through periods like this over the years. She has this what I call a "flaw" in which "There is one and only one right way" to do certain things. Hanging up the towels, for instance, is done "with the blue striped portion at the bottom front, not on the back. Otherwise, the pattern doesn't show." I don't disagree, but could care less about showing the pattern that no one will see (in the master bath.)

My grace in this situation is not to argue about it or explain that "it doesn't matter." Her grace is to simply "fix" the towel when I leave the bathroom.

Heh, heh, the flaw that used to drive me nuts: Along with that "There is one right way..." is that, in many case, it becomes "There's only one right way to do it THIS time." It's nothing I can possibly "learn" how to do the "right" way because the right way will be different next time. IOW if we take our showers together coolsmiley or one right after the other, there are two sets of towels which need to dry before placing in the laundry basket. Depending on the situation and what is already hanging on the "old-people-grab-bars in the shower" she'll put one there and another draped across the now empty towel bars. OR, she'll put both out on the laundry dry rack on the lanai. If I drape one across a chair on the lanai, she can't stand it. (A wet towel on a 50 year old hotel-furniture chair made of wicker might damage the wicker.)

Again, my grace is to simply allow her to redo what I have done and not take it personally.

SHE had to "train" me not to leave my shoes and socks in the middle of the floor when I got home. I think that was reasonable, but it took a while for me to understand why it was such a big deal.

It has taken a while, but we have arrived at compromises in our marriage that make it possible to live together. Mostly, we offer each other grace when we disagree -"agree to disagree."

It w*rks for us (mostly.)

I just put her on "Ignore" for a little while.

 

[audreyh1]

When one of our two cars "died", we finally decided to stay with just one car. It's not been a problem where we both wanted the car at the same time. What HAS been a problem is that we have no back-up if, for instance, one car's battery goes belly up. That could be anywhere from sad to tragic. Otherwise, one car turns out to be enough for the few thousand miles we travel each year. YMMV

On the old ICE Ssomehow we noticed that the battery was behaving less well and changed it in time.

Mainly the issue was waiting at service. But that was a minor inconvenience every couple of years or so. Really, the car required very little. And the current one even less.

 

[GalaxyBoy]

Have been sleeping well, do my walks whenever I want, taking care of family members, lost about 10 lbs, and forgetting what date it is very quickly. I guess this is honeymoon period of retirement. Really enjoying it.

If that’s the honeymoon period then I’ve been honeymooning for over six years.

DW and I get along great, though. We quickly gravitated to a routine of some together time and some alone time.

 

[pacergal]

Got my wish of receiving a package from the company.

Have been sleeping well, do my walks whenever I want, taking care of family members, lost about 10 lbs, and forgetting what date it is very quickly. I guess this is honeymoon period of retirement. Really enjoying it.

The latest Monte Carlo says 99% with $130,000 a year spending without including the pensions. With zero debt, we could survive on about $3000 a month easily.

BUT, a big but, I need to find something to do outside the house and away from the spouse. Can't take the constant nagging just about anything and everything. Is this common?

Of course the best way to get out the house is to find another job with a lot of travels. Will see.

Glad you are enjoying retirement so far.
As far as "nagging", how was your communication before you retired?
Did you and your wife share with each other what retirement was going to look like? What were your plans--travel, go out for meals more, etc.
Did you share household jobs equally? Are their expectations that your wife had that are not being fulfilled?
If you wife was a SAHM, perhaps now is the time to sit down and discuss equalizing duties, and communication issues.

I think communication is the biggest issue here, and unless you two start discussing, retirement is not going to be the dream you thought it would be.

I know when DH and retired , we redid the household duties, decided to give each other "alone" time daily, always knew our nightly meal and evening was our special time together.

 

[Aerides]

yes you do, it's called uber.

^^^^^
That's great for you "urban" dwellers.

Im suburban as i believe koolau also is, and have found uber and its competitors helpful in many different locations,

 

[unclemick]

Hmmm - thirty years ER. No answers but experiences. Have learned to duck people who want volunteers - not always but getting better at NO! as time goes by. Have a number of common shared activities with DW as well as a Man Cave. Up at the Farm(hobby) we have his and hers UTV's and separate gardens. She tends toward flowers and I toward edibles.

Heh heh heh - works well. P.S. She has a 'sewing room' ?

 

[sparky08]

BUT, a big but, I need to find something to do outside the house and away from the spouse. Can't take the constant nagging just about anything and everything. Is this common?

I don't think so. My wife and I had a trial run with Covid WFH. I have things that get me out of the house a couple days a week, and so does she.

I've taken a few things off her list to balance things out. (Dishes, trips to the grocery store, etc.)

 

[Koolau]

yes you do, it's called uber.

I don't do Uber.

 

[MichaelB]

I don't do Uber.

Even so, it’s a reasonable backup for a couple with only one car.

 

[sturge]

There's a million different ways of dealing with spouse. There are some who do EVERYTHING together but most of those folks have been that way since they met. Most of us end up with some lesser combination that works for each of us...what my wife and I do may not work for you.

I will say, don't try to force a square peg into a round hole and it's OK to have 'space' to do your own thing...just need to figure out what works best. Most of us have been married long enough to know that can be a challenge LOL! I have many activities that she has no interest in and vice-versa. I don't expect her to suddenly take on my activities and god knows I don't have an interest in most of her activities!

But we have things we like to do together occasionally and really, it's always been that way even before I retired. We have certain things that drive each other crazy so we both try not to push those buttons. This has become more challenging now that I'm home all the time. Since I retired (12/31/23) I've taken some of the load off her by doing more of the cooking, shopping, home chores, etc.

When the nagging starts...I quickly remove myself from the area versus throwing gas on the fire (although sometimes I can't resist).

 

[Koolau]

There's a million different ways of dealing with spouse. There are some who do EVERYTHING together but most of those folks have been that way since they met. Most of us end up with some lesser combination that works for each of us...what my wife and I do may not work for you.

I will say, don't try to force a square peg into a round hole and it's OK to have 'space' to do your own thing...just need to figure out what works best. Most of us have been married long enough to know that can be a challenge LOL! I have many activities that she has no interest in and vice-versa. I don't expect her to suddenly take on my activities and god knows I don't have an interest in most of her activities!

But we have things we like to do together occasionally and really, it's always been that way even before I retired. We have certain things that drive each other crazy so we both try not to push those buttons. This has become more challenging now that I'm home all the time. Since I retired (12/31/23) I've taken some of the load off her by doing more of the cooking, shopping, home chores, etc.

When the nagging starts...I quickly remove myself from the area versus throwing gas on the fire (although sometimes I can't resist).

For the most part, we each have our area of expertise in the marriage. I'm the Financial Guru laugh but she does the check book and bills. She designs the Christmas display and I climb the step ladder. She does most of the cooking (microwave-one-dish-wonders are her specialty.) I generally do the dishes and clean up. We have our own hobbies and time killers.

But once in a while, when we "intersect" with a project, the sparks tend to fly because we are both very insistent that we know more than the other person about things we know very little about.

50 years ago, we almost got divorced over hanging wall paper, so we hired it done. That was MUCH cheaper than a divorce.

The final straw was when I was standing on a ladder with the top-most end of a piece of wall paper. She was crouched down by the tub used for wetting the pre-pasted wall paper. The water was grote with dissolved paste. She jerked on her end of the paper to get it straight and the slick wallpaper slipped out of my fingers at the top. The whole piece of wallpaper rolled up as it fell and hit the tub with force enough to drench DW with the slimy water.

That had to be the nearest we ever came to blows. Fortunately, we had private vows (outside the official church vows) that we would NEVER resort to physical violence in our marriage. We never have, though we've broken a few things and slammed our share of doors and done some screaming. Probably very normal for most folks.

All in all, I think we've been good together and have become interdependent and synergistic. I dread the time when I might be alone (and selfishly hope I go first.) YMMV

 

[indiajust]

I love the separate and together theme. Small town that is bikeable is my game, even in winter it is more fun than driving.

 

[RetiredHappy]

When my husband and I first got together, he was very sticky, i.e. wanted to be with me ALL the time. It took a long time for me to get him to spend time on his own and be in a different room from me. We are finally in a comfortable situation where we do our own thing when we want to. We have 1 car and 2 golf carts as we golf with other people at our club on the weekdays.

I think OP should carve out different parts of the home for his and hers. Meals together, play time like computer time in separate areas.

 

[Koolau]

When my husband and I first got together, he was very sticky, i.e. wanted to be with me ALL the time. It took a long time for me to get him to spend time on his own and be in a different room from me. We are finally in a comfortable situation where we do our own thing when we want to. We have 1 car and 2 golf carts as we golf with other people at our club on the weekdays.

I think OP should carve out different parts of the home for his and hers. Meals together, play time like computer time in separate areas.

Heh, heh, for those of you who recall "WKRP in Cincinnati", I have a "Les Nessman" office in our main room (the "living room.") That's where I have my desk and computer and where I lay my phone. DW may be reading or doing a craft 8 feet away, but when I'm at my desk, she more or less leaves me alone unless there is something very important to discuss. IOW, just because we are 8 feet from each other does not mean we chit chat. When I "join her" in the living room - sit in my TV chair (4 feet away) for instance, chatting is fine, TV is fine, etc. But in my LN office, it's "official business" only.

She has an even less formal LN office - namely the Lanai. She uses a glass-top table instead of a desk. She pays bills there and often writes cards (hundreds per year.) That's where she does most of her reading as long as it is light out. I "bother" her only for something "important." ("Dear, where did you put the check book?")


This is how we have avoided being "sticky" in such a small apartment. The bedrooms are not at all conducive to our daily activities (plus they are tiny) so the "great room" and lanai have to do and they are often shared. YMMV

 

[MC Rider]

Heh, heh, for those of you who recall "WKRP in Cincinnati", I have a "Les Nessman" office in our main room.,..............YMMV

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.



We each have our own office / cave at home, and our own cars, plus I have a motorcycle which is great for getting away on.

 

[street]

So interesting reading each of your relationship with each other and what works. For my wife and I we have always had our own things in life and really have not had the same interests. We do have the same principals, vision goals and beliefs in life, but interests/hobbies/activities are just about opposite.

We get along very well and will be married 41 years in June. She has her living room and I have mine but are in talking distance. She watches her stuff and I watch very little TV. We have owned a ranch for 15 years and she may have been there 6 to 8 times.

She enjoys asking how things are there and talk about the things I do there but doesn't have an interest in working there and not an outdoors person.

She reads, flowers, volunteers and stays busy with friends and the home. It is a perfect fit and works for us very well. Never a concern for us when we retired.

 

[DrRoy]

I did not have a problem using my new found time, or getting nagged. DW was prickly though for a long time with me being home 24/7. After picking up more home chores over time it is now smooth for both of us.

 

[Mark2024]

Update: Looks like it will be 2026 as the earliest date to retire for me. Got an offer I could not refuse - not the $ but the nature of the job - at least 50% on the road.

Glad to have found this site and got many great advices. I will be coming to visit when I have time. God bless you all and best wishes.

 

[pacergal]

Update: Looks like it will be 2026 as the earliest date to retire for me. Got an offer I could not refuse - not the $ but the nature of the job - at least 50% on the road.

Glad to have found this site and got many great advices. I will be coming to visit when I have time. God bless you all and best wishes.

Glad you found another job that interests you. Sounds like you are more excited about getting out of the house than anything.

If you are traveling 50% of the time, in 2026 you and DW will encounter the same problems if you are not able to figure things out beforehand.

As I said before, communication is the key.
Decide what you both want your retirement and future to look like.

Best of Luck to you.