Psychological/Social Aspects of Retirement

The OP is 58, which is not young. My wife retired at 50, myself at 55.

About not wanting to spend money at first, it's natural. But I did not have a choice. My burn rate was running $100K/year when I retired, due to still having a mortgage and two college-aged children. And private healthcare insurance too. No pension, nothing!

Now, no more mortgages, no more college cost, and cheap Medicare.

Now, I spend more on travel and give a lot of money to charities and relatives, and still spend way less than I used to.
 
Welcome to the forum! Look forward to hearing more from you.

Give your self some time to adjust to retirement. If you have run firecalc or other calculators, know your yearly spend/budget, and stay within that number, you will be fine.

As far as questions, a joyful "I'm retired!" with a smile.
What do you do all day? again joyfully and with a smile "Whatever I choose to do!"
 
DH lost his job and retired at 55. He knew it was coming and we were financially ready for it. He was entitled to a pension that I knew could support us.

He didn't go around bragging about it. It was obvious he was not the typical age for a retiree. Some people may have thought we were wealthy because he didn't work anymore. Some people may have thought we were broke because I kept my part time job. They didn't know that we don't need my income, I kept the job because I like it and I like saving money.

I stopped caring about what other people think back in my early thirties. I made a conscious decision to drop that kind of thinking. DH was a people person and his career was in social services. It was harder for him to stop thinking about what other people think and say. After he lost his job he kind of hid at home for a while. It took him some time to reassess his identity and how he felt about his new situation.

As for spending, he prefers to be uninvolved in our finances. He knows that to stay retired he needs to work within the parameters. So he thinks about buying stuff all the time and has learned to prioritize. If he didn't have guidelines he would have a constant flow from our bank account to ebay. There is always the next thing he "needs."

It's 13 years since he retired and he's now a very successful retiree. He has a few hobbies and interests that can keep him busy when he wants to be busy. He's picked up a few of the household chores. And now we have two young grandsons who live close by and that has added a new joyful dimension to his identity.
 
I never use the word retired. I tend to say "Well I've saved enough money now that I can finally take some time to pursue some things I've always wanted to do [fill in the blank] home business? studying new skill? kid's sports coach?

Writers get away with this all the time. They seem to have an elusive income and yet we never follow up with whether they've published anything - and we all think that's Ok.

You aren't ending anything. Think about what you are beginning (even if you do it 1 hour a week).
 
stevenr said:
Hi, I've been lurking for a couple months, and finally registered. Sorry for the long post, Dr. Freud.

My retirement came earlier than I expected in January, after I 'resigned' a longtime client. Things were getting dysfunctional with them and a large project I managed was being revamped (without my input), and I realized the time was right. Last year our financial planner said we can pull off my retirement too, so I was itching for an excuse anyway.

My wife is on board after seeing me suffer through their antics for 30 years. She is a flight attendant—with all the medical and flight benefits—and will continue to work for several more years. I am 58.

Here's the thing: I am struggling whether to be up front or low key about it when talking to people, almost like survivor's guilt in a weird way. I have only told a few friends/siblings. "You're too young!," "What are you going to do?" "Is your wife still going to work?" are some of the reactions I received. Most state they couldn't NOT work or they would go crazy. I also feel like society still looks down on the male not working. I've decided to keep my mouth shut from now on. I am avoiding talking to people because I fear I would have to bring it up and hear more reactions like this.

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

Have any of you encountered these situations? They were not on my bingo card!
Click to expand...
Welcome aboard!

I had no problem leaving that stiff world. The 30-year job did not appear, so I did not have deep employment roots. Hence, I was ready to retire from day one. The psychology of living in a space with people you didn't marry was never appealing.

After an adjustment period you'll get used to the uncertainty of living without two paychecks. We had one for a few years, and for someone reason she decided to continue part-time at another place.

Yeah, the neighbors noticed. For fun just walk out to the mailbox in your jammies, after lunch. You'll be immortalized on some security camera footage.

Good luck with your journey!
 
stevenr said:
Hi, I've been lurking for a couple months, and finally registered. Sorry for the long post, Dr. Freud.

My retirement came earlier than I expected in January, after I 'resigned' a longtime client. Things were getting dysfunctional with them and a large project I managed was being revamped (without my input), and I realized the time was right. Last year our financial planner said we can pull off my retirement too, so I was itching for an excuse anyway.

My wife is on board after seeing me suffer through their antics for 30 years. She is a flight attendant—with all the medical and flight benefits—and will continue to work for several more years. I am 58.

Here's the thing: I am struggling whether to be up front or low key about it when talking to people, almost like survivor's guilt in a weird way. I have only told a few friends/siblings. "You're too young!," "What are you going to do?" "Is your wife still going to work?" are some of the reactions I received. Most state they couldn't NOT work or they would go crazy. I also feel like society still looks down on the male not working. I've decided to keep my mouth shut from now on. I am avoiding talking to people because I fear I would have to bring it up and hear more reactions like this.

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

Have any of you encountered these situations? They were not on my bingo card!
Click to expand...
I think in terms of Rewirement instead of retirement. As such you can identify three phases. The Go-Go years where one is going from one bucket list item to the next relentlessly.
Then
The Slo-go years where the spending is reduced as the body is reduce.
Then
The No-Go years when spending increases with drugs and medical care increases.

So please keep that in mind as you retire.
 
I am fairly recently retired and had the exact experiences you have had. I retired at 48 years old with a 31 year pension and felt so uncomfortable with retirement I went back to work in a totally different career field. It took me three more years, until August of 2022, to get my mind right and retire properly. I now tell people I’m an investor when they ask. If they ask for more details and I’m inclined to respond, I reply that I invest for personal income and lead a very modest life.

Also like you, I’m having trouble spending money even though I am nearly debt free (my truck note interest is so low I choose not to pay it off). I speak to my financial accountability partner before making a large purchase and that eases my mind some.

Good luck with your retirement!

I appreciate all these responses to your post!!
 
stevenr said:
Hi, I've been lurking for a couple months, and finally registered. Sorry for the long post, Dr. Freud.

My retirement came earlier than I expected in January, after I 'resigned' a longtime client. Things were getting dysfunctional with them and a large project I managed was being revamped (without my input), and I realized the time was right. Last year our financial planner said we can pull off my retirement too, so I was itching for an excuse anyway.

My wife is on board after seeing me suffer through their antics for 30 years. She is a flight attendant—with all the medical and flight benefits—and will continue to work for several more years. I am 58.

Here's the thing: I am struggling whether to be up front or low key about it when talking to people, almost like survivor's guilt in a weird way. I have only told a few friends/siblings. "You're too young!," "What are you going to do?" "Is your wife still going to work?" are some of the reactions I received. Most state they couldn't NOT work or they would go crazy. I also feel like society still looks down on the male not working. I've decided to keep my mouth shut from now on. I am avoiding talking to people because I fear I would have to bring it up and hear more reactions like this.

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

Have any of you encountered these situations? They were not on my bingo card!
Click to expand...

It takes time and practice learning how to spend money after being a saver for so long. I will teach you to be rich podcast -has some enlightening conversations on the psychology of spending money and how our upbringing and life affects our present habits. I've learned a lot even when Im not in the exact same situation as the interview couples
 
I had the same issues re: spending money. After a few years I actually went a bit in the opposite direction. Our withdrawal rate was around 1.5% - that is quite low, so I know intellectually that I can afford to spend even more. That has been super freeing. Especially because I haven’t started collecting Social Security yet.

I, too, retired at 58. It all got to be too much and not worth the stress. You saved, you LBYM. You earned it! No need to be embarrassed or to feel guilty.

Congratulations!
 
JDARNELL said:
Yes. I went through it at age 46 after I retired. It faded with time. As you get more comfortable in your new phase it will go away.
Click to expand...

I find it bizarre even thinking for a moment what someone else may think….

I retired at 55…. 61 now…. Life really is to short to waste on nonsense.
 
We've all been there...what do you do all day? My standard answer, "I volunteer with a nonprofit that raises money for the local Children's Hospital." I actually do volunteer but it takes up very little of my time. I've found that people usually ask this question because they are making small talk, not because they really care.
 
Never had any problem with "I'm retired and doing anything I want"

But I was 59 and had grey hair. Looked the part. And don't care what people think either.

Boating, fishing, shooting, DIY home and boat improvement and repairs, backyard astronomy, woodworking, metalworking, cooking and eating well.

These keep me busy with what I enjoy doing and save me a lotta dough too.

Not to mention the dogs need their daily mile. Yeah, dogs. They'll keep you busy - :)
 
I retired late 40s. I said I was on a extended sabbatical. After I turned 50, I said I was retired.
 
When people learn I retired early, I sometimes wonder if they think I'm a slouch who just inherited or married into some money. So I like people to know that I made a plan to retire early, worked in a couple very satisfying jobs, and attained my goal of early retirement.

Another thing I'll sometimes say is that I had enough to retire early, and decided to do so and pass my job along to a younger person who needed the money more than I did.

One thing that always surprises me is how few people ask, "How'd ya do it?" I know that medical insurance is a concern for most people, yet hardly anyone asks how to get affordable coverage before age 65. Getting subsidies because of low taxable income when I have plenty of assets isn't exactly a point of pride, but I didn't make the rules and had planned to pay a lot more for insurance.

When people ask what I do all day, I usually say oh my gosh, there are always things to do and I can do as much or as little in a day as I want to, and rattle off a few of my interests. No more having to cram chores and activities into the evening or weekends, I tell them—now isn't that nice?

Like many here, I don't spend as much as I could. I don't have kids, and my only related heirs are my niece and grandniece, so they may get a nice chunk when I'm gone. I don't feel a need to spend more, and am happy just knowing that DH and/or I can afford caregiving if we need it.
 
First, about the spending. I think it is helpful that we all start off being super careful when we initially retire. I know I did it and learned some great new habits because let’s face it. This is a fixed income stage although hopefully we have worked it out so there is income on top of interest and dividends. During the initial stage I did a lot of stuff to save on utilities, learned that I should take the time to fix stuff instead of pay someone, learned to cook more and stop buying expensive prepared stuff. Cut the cords, and cut the spending. For what it is worth, we actually live better now 10 years in than we did when I had a big paycheck

As to what to say when asked? I retired at 52 and I wasn’t a dot com millionaire. I told the truth but as I was so much happier retired it was easy. That I was busy with so many things helped. Sure I missed the sense of self importance that I had (a totally useless feeling) once it was clear my company would go on without me. Although it did feel good that so many former clients would track me down and ask me to work for them or consult. But that is just ego stroking. If you like yourself and your own company you will be just fine and you should say that when asked
 
Thank you everybody. These are all great responses. Keep 'em coming!
 
stevenr said:
Hi, I've been lurking for a couple months, and finally registered. Sorry for the long post, Dr. Freud.

My retirement came earlier than I expected in January, after I 'resigned' a longtime client. Things were getting dysfunctional with them and a large project I managed was being revamped (without my input), and I realized the time was right. Last year our financial planner said we can pull off my retirement too, so I was itching for an excuse anyway.

My wife is on board after seeing me suffer through their antics for 30 years. She is a flight attendant—with all the medical and flight benefits—and will continue to work for several more years. I am 58.

Here's the thing: I am struggling whether to be up front or low key about it when talking to people, almost like survivor's guilt in a weird way. I have only told a few friends/siblings. "You're too young!," "What are you going to do?" "Is your wife still going to work?" are some of the reactions I received. Most state they couldn't NOT work or they would go crazy. I also feel like society still looks down on the male not working. I've decided to keep my mouth shut from now on. I am avoiding talking to people because I fear I would have to bring it up and hear more reactions like this.

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

Have any of you encountered these situations? They were not on my bingo card!
Click to expand...

What you are going through is quite normal. First, find a hobby or service opportunity which you are passionate about and you find joy. This is now what you can tell people you do.

One of the best pieces of retirement advice I received was: 1) never forget what day it is and 2) always have a to-do list with things on it.

Just relax and spend time finding your next chapter.
 
For occupation, sometimes I'll say with a smile, "Private Portfolio Manager" which is true. That usually ends the discussion with a blank stare from the person who asked.
 
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When I ERd and people asked me if I was really retired, I said: "For now". After a while, they stopped asking. I also made it a point not to celebrate my ER around people who were older than me and still needed/wanted to work. But things of course were different when hanging out with my other ER friends since they "get it".
 
“I wanted a change, so I’m taking a sabbatical and am considering my options.”

Keeps doors open professionally but also allows for a sabbatical that just happens to never end.
 
My husband retired before me as well. He was DONE. He is happy to be retired and does not have any trouble telling people. I found that the psychological aspects of retiring far outweighed the financial aspects. Who knew? For a while I told people I was consulting part time, although every single time my company called and asked me to consult I turned them down. They stopped calling eventually. I did start my own part time pet sitting business because it is fun. I need to start saying no to new clients because I am getting too busy. I also volunteer and I have to lie low when they are looking for new Executive Directors - I do not want to do that either. As far as the $$, I do worry, but I rerun Firecalc every few months and it keeps giving us 100%, so...
We do everything around the house that we are able to do, and only hire people when we are lacking a skill. I also have more time to save $$ on groceries, which I do.
I think everything you are feeling is 100% normal. Nobody talks about the mind game part of retiring. It will get better. Others have had really good comments.
 
I retired almost ten years ago when I was 54 and it has been a wonderful ten years. I told people close to me at first and as time went on more and more of my friends retired so that made discussing retirement so much easier. It is hard to explain what you do all day to some one who is not retired, but it is a super fun topic with my retired friends. Like at breakfast or lunch "what are you doing the rest of the day" and then we laugh and laugh.

As far as spending, that took some getting used to. It was strange not to get the regular paychecks. But that resolved over time and DH and I are both now collecting SS and our company pensions. At the same time trying to keep my IRA as intact as possible. Our spending has gone up and down but we now have a fairly established spending pattern.

Good luck and best wishes!
 
I have no problem saying I am retired. I see it as a sign I did well throughout my life to be able to retire and don't care what others think. The typical response is "I wish I could afford to retire" With that I point them to this website as I figured out I could have retired earlier, but didnt know it.

I do occasionally get bored and figure that is my choice to be bored. Makes me smile. I bought a Kindle and utilize my tax dollars getting free library books downloaded. It is awesome!. I go on walks with the dogs for 4 miles every day. I do lots of projects around the house and work on landscaping my yard small piece by piece. I hang out with my daughters and grand kids. I do . . . . whatever I want including being bored sometimes.
 
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