Social life ... or lack thereof

[COcheesehead]

Back in the days when I was single, between the practice wife and my now permanent wife, I joined a for profit club called Mile High Adventures. It was $1500 a year just to join, but they organized dozens of things to do every month. They published a catalog. You picked out things you wanted to do and showed up. Some events were free, most had some cost to cover expenses. I made a bunch of friends and did things I likely would not have done: canoed the Colorado River, back country camping, Halloween costume parties, group dinners at nice restaurants, you name it. Everyone was single and in the same boat. It was easy to make friends.

 

[pacergal]

Things that have worked for me to meet folks in the past (although DH and I admit to being more loners now):
Church
Volunteer opportunities
Take a class from Community college or local community/parks and rec
reconnect with old friends and former co workers via Facebook and meet up.

 

[GaryInCO]

Sorry folks, got distracted and totally spaced this thread. But I AM paying attention, if sporadically, and I appreciate all the suggestions!

It's not just you. Search "lonely men" and you'll find lots of contemporary articles. ... If you were closer, I'd invite myself over and we could commiserate over a steak. LOL

Well next time I'm in Florida I'll give you a buzz!!

If you like to travel, you might try EF Go Ahead Tours. They specialize in group travel for individuals.

I finally started getting out a few years after the divorce. I don't really enjoy traveling by myself, but I took two group trips (biking in Bordeaux and food/wine in Tuscany) and had a great time. And immediately afterwards cancer & Covid crashed the party. I'm getting to the point where travel is possible again. I'll check out EF, thanks!

It sounds stupid, but I have a good friend who we just do exploratory lunches. Trying new places in search of the world’s best patty melt.

Maybe I'll drive down (from Fort Collins) and join you sometime !!

"Magic" is hard to find. Look for a bit of non-romantic companionship. Maybe you will find magic along the way - maybe not. Also, are you being realistic in what you are seeking in a relationship? I have heard that those swipe left sort of dating apps are unrealistic and frankly can be somewhat depressing so I would be leery of those.

Yeah I've kept in touch with a few of the nice-but-not-magic ladies I met, and we meet occasionally for a drink or a hike. I totally agree on the swipe-left apps. That's so superficial. I want somebody with a connection, not just a pretty face. Though a pretty face is OK too !

Edit to add: my local university offers classes to retirees and I’m signed up for a couple this fall

Great idea!! There is a "lifelong learning" program at the local university. I'll check it out!

I have found the same re: pickleball. I get texts several times per week from guys who are interested in playing/drilling. That usually leads to a beer or two later.

I played for a while last winter/spring, but dropped it for a while when I was training for my fundraiser bike ride this summer. Need to get back into it. I was disappointed that this group doesn't seem very social. They mostly just hang with their friends, and then they go home. I haven't seen any after-playing connections. Didn't get any takers when I suggested it. But I'll keep trying, it's fun and it's good exercise.

For men, in terms of meeting women, DW and I started going to ballroom dancing events over 10 years ago, and how the women outnumber the men there.

Yeah I've taken several dance classes -- blues, swing, etc. I find it more stressful than enjoyable -- performance pressure! But it's a good way to meet people, now that Covid is out of the picture.

From the perspective of an introvert. My DW passed nearly 7 years ago. After a short while, I took up Argentine Tango classes.

Yikes! You're a stronger man than I am. The Tango dancers I know seem to be a lot more aggressive, a lot more unforgiving of a clumsy newbie. The Blues dancers are much more chill, more my speed.

https://www.hellawealth.com/blog/work/cruise-job-gentlemen-hosts/
I’ve heard of this - volunteering to go on cruises due to the number of single older females on trips. I guess you have to know how to ballroom dance (mentioned above).

This might be fun once or twice, but... I don't think my ballroom dance skilz are up to snuff. And I'm going to "age out" of their required range soon anyway...

One of my sons is also local and I see him every week and I still do a little consulting. I miss little things like having someone to talk to whenever you want and having a built in companion to do things with on the spur of the moment.

YES !!! I SO miss sharing my day-to-day life with a loving partner.

Back in the days when I was single, between the practice wife and my now permanent wife, I joined a for profit club called Mile High Adventures. It was $1500 a year just to join, but they organized dozens of things to do every month.

I remember MHA! It sounded like an AWESOME group, lots of great activities, more than just dancing and drinking. But I was still married at the time, and didn't have time or inclination to join a group like that. I don't think they're around any more.

One last thing, if you find yourself getting depressed, please reach out to a therapist or friend or at least be conscious of what you are feeding your mind.

Yeah I was in a very dark place for a few years after the divorce. Only time I ever considered suicide. Thank God I had a few good friends who let me cry on their shoulder, a lot. Fortunately I eventually crawled out of the hole, but it's still lonely out there. Wish I had a bestest buddy and partner-in-crime like I used to. Still working on it.

After my wife passed away last December, I went into a funk as expected. We had several good friends (couples) and those friendships kind of drifted off since we could not spend time with them as a couple anymore. ...
BUT.....like Gary, I am frequently feeling pretty lonely without the love of my life who passed away. And even with friends and some things to do, there is this emptiness that settles in me when I go home at night and just sit there in an empty house.

I deeply empathize with you, my brother. It's been 13 years since my wife dumped me, and I still miss her. The empty house is daunting and I miss having a playmate and travel buddy. I'm sure I'd be a lot better off if I had managed to find another lady, but so far not much luck. I had a few serious connections, but for various reasons they didn't last long. Still looking...

 

[Amethyst]

Having manners and being pleasant company are subsets of being classy, but I'm not sure why formal dancing should be a prerequisite. (I assume you're kidding about the gigolo part - that wouldn't be classy at all, lol).

Indeed, the mention of ballroom dancing in this thread mystifies me. It was not on the agenda while I was growing up, and nobody I know does it.

For the record, I'm well-educated and consider myself a cultured person, who enjoys and can discuss a wide variety of topics (literature, music and art appreciation, theater, film, and so on). I also enjoy opera and ballet. But I've simply never been in a milieu where ballroom dancing was called for.

This sounds great. DW and I discussed a QM2 cruise in the past but always figured it would be too high brow for us. Reading the article I can see that I would not qualify as a company gigolo as I am 0 for 3 on the pre-requisites - ballroom dancing, being sociable and having excellent manners. I have decent manners but no way they would cut it as 'excellent' with the QM2 crowd.

 

[Amethyst]

My modest experience with dating after widowhood is that older people are far too attached to their baggage to be partners again.

. I'm sure I'd be a lot better off if I had managed to find another lady, but so far not much luck. I had a few serious connections, but for various reasons they didn't last long. Still looking...

 

[target2019]

Food for thought...

While much of the research on social connections has focused on the closest relationships in people's lives, Sandstrom and other scientists are now learning that even the most casual contacts with strangers and acquaintances can be tremendously beneficial to our mental health. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsa...hello-can-do-more-than-just-brighten-your-day

Any of us can visit a place where minor social interactions might take place, as described in the article. But I think that specific intentions other than experiencing the surroundings could get in the way. If you're there, and thinking about your "goal", you are probably anxious, and not fully open to possibilities.

 

[Badger]

My modest experience with dating after widowhood is that older people are far too attached to their baggage to be partners again.

Five years after the divorce from my first wife of 10 years I married again at 40 yrs old. I love my wife of 35 years but she has her own baggage that is sometimes a challenge. But I probably have my own baggage as well that tests her resolve at times. If for what ever reason I become single again I don't think I would bother with another partner except for friendships. I don't think I am up to starting over with someone's baggage. As with everything in life I will just have to deal with the hand that is dealt me the best way I can.

Cheers!

 

[Aiming_4_55]

Gary - just chiming in to say, these alot of good feedback so far. I wrestle with this while married with kids and employed. Life is just too busy for me to worry about social life for a few more years.

If you are openminded to pets, I've found having a dog to helps alot for me. Daily dog walks in the neighborhood or parks is relaxing and almost always run into friendly people if you keep to a schedule.

 

[steelyman]

My modest experience with dating after widowhood is that older people are far too attached to their baggage to be partners again.

I think this is a good observation although I might change to “most older people”.

 

[GaryInCO]

If you are openminded to pets, I've found having a dog to helps alot for me. Daily dog walks in the neighborhood or parks is relaxing and almost always run into friendly people if you keep to a schedule.

My ex had a dog when we met, and she lasted another 8 years or so. She was a sweet pup and DW trained it very well. Then after a period of grieving her baby, she insisted on getting another one. For various reasons DW never connected with the new dog, and she basically dumped him on me. Which I wasn't thrilled about, because he was a brainless neurotic PITA. There was almost nothing pleasant about having that dog, except he looked cute.

Then we had a cat -- ex-DW called me right after we got married, "I'm getting a cat, do you want to see it before I bring it home?" So we had her for 20+ years. After the divorce my sons were worried about me and tried to convince me to get get another cat. I told them "I've lived 2/3 of my life with two unpleasant cats. I need a break!!"

At that time I was traveling for w*rk 1-2 weeks per month and didn't want to deal with pet-sitting. I don't have that excuse any more, and maybe canine companionship would be a good thing. But so many dogs are needy, hyper, neurotic, yappy, etc. I love dogs and cats and I'll get down and love on almost any one I see, but I'm not crazy about living with one 24/7.

My modest experience with dating after widowhood is that older people are far too attached to their baggage to be partners again.

Interesting observation. What kind of baggage are we talking about?

 

[MarieIG]

Having manners and being pleasant company are subsets of being classy, but I'm not sure why formal dancing should be a prerequisite. (I assume you're kidding about the gigolo part - that wouldn't be classy at all, lol).

Indeed, the mention of ballroom dancing in this thread mystifies me. It was not on the agenda while I was growing up, and nobody I know does it.

For the record, I'm well-educated and consider myself a cultured person, who enjoys and can discuss a wide variety of topics (literature, music and art appreciation, theater, film, and so on). I also enjoy opera and ballet. But I've simply never been in a milieu where ballroom dancing was called for.

I wanted to take a dancing class with DH after we retired - ballroom dancing would have been fine - but then came Covid and a special needs GC - so we never got around to it. I had figured it involved music, some activity, a bit of exercise and learning a new activity. I have seen it done at weddings, but it hasn't been much of a topic of conversation with friends or acquaintances so I couldn't say who has done it or not. Obviously YMMV.

 

[Aiming_4_55]

At that time I was traveling for w*rk 1-2 weeks per month and didn't want to deal with pet-sitting. I don't have that excuse any more, and maybe canine companionship would be a good thing. But so many dogs are needy, hyper, neurotic, yappy, etc. I love dogs and cats and I'll get down and love on almost any one I see, but I'm not crazy about living with one 24/7.

Sorry to hear about the PITAs. If you are in a larger community, maybe offer pet sitting / dog walking services based on your schedule for a few bucks. So many of my tenants request dog exception to their rental lease as Emotion Support Dog. Some might be gaming the system, but with the right dog, it can be helpful.

 

[Amethyst]

Primarily emotional, along with financial.

Interesting observation. What kind of baggage are we talking about?

 

[omni550]

Indeed, the mention of ballroom dancing in this thread mystifies me. It was not on the agenda while I was growing up, and nobody I know does it.

For the record, I'm well-educated and consider myself a cultured person, who enjoys and can discuss a wide variety of topics (literature, music and art appreciation, theater, film, and so on). I also enjoy opera and ballet. But I've simply never been in a milieu where ballroom dancing was called for.

Ballroom dancing, if one enjoys it, is a great way to keep your brain sharp, stay physically active, and socialize with people (and, gasp!, even touch them). A win-win-win.

After a 16-year relationship ended, I took up ballroom dancing. To get up to speed (=learn the steps to ~20 different styles of dances), I was taking group classes at nearby studios 3-4 times a week, plus going to an 'open dance' once or twice a week. I even went to several week-long dance camps. This all was great fun until I started spending 6-7 winter months in Florida. And then Covid hit.

I found many other things to occupy my time and I haven't been dancing since. If I had a regular dance group or partner, I'd be up to going dancing again.

omni

 

[COcheesehead]

I wouldn’t say older people have baggage and you shouldn’t date. I know plenty of folks on a second marriage starting later in life and they lived happily ever after. I would say that as people age they are more independent and are set in their ways. The key is to find a partner that can live parallel with you. Independent does not mean without loving relationships.

The key to finding a partner is to be honest with yourself about who you are.

 

[Aerides]

My modest experience with dating after widowhood is that older people are far too attached to their baggage to be partners again.

I think this is a good observation although I might change to “most older people”.

Interesting observation. What kind of baggage are we talking about?

Primarily emotional, along with financial.

I would say "most people" old or young, spend far too much time talking about their exes on dates. Nothing could be a bigger red flag to me that someone fixated on their past wounds. We all know in a job interview to say nothing negative about our past employers and bosses, but many fail to apply this to dating and friendships.

Sure, it's gonna come up, "why are you single?" etc., but avoid this as much as possible in the early meetings, have a short answer ready that is truthful but, if you want to see this person again, move on to current subjects quickly.

For example, OP, if a potential date or friend asked you about pets and you told them the long story here with your history, that would be a bad idea.

 

[GaryInCO]

For example, OP, if a potential date or friend asked you about pets and you told them the long story here with your history, that would be a bad idea.

Sure. We're having a problem-solving discussion here and I'm just explaining my backstory. I wouldn't dump the whole long tale on a potential new partner. In fact as soon as she saw me rolling around on the floor with her doggo, she would know there was no problem there.

I would say that as people age they are more independent and are set in their ways. The key is to find a partner that can live parallel with you. Independent does not mean without loving relationships.

Yes. I was just talking over the fence with my next-door neighbor (and playing with her dog): nice lady, my age, just moved in last year, great sense of humor, etc. I would love to have a relationship with her, even if we both kept our houses. It would be a great way to satisfy the hunger for emotional connection, confidant, travel buddy, etc, while still keeping our independence. We're setting up a "happy hour" on her deck. Unfortunately she wants to invite my housemate (basement renter) so she may not be thinking the same way. We'll see.

 

[GaryInCO]

BTW I just saw an article about the "male friendship crisis:"

Middle-aged men are in a “friendship recession.” The demographic is less likely to have friends than it did in 1990, and these men increasingly rely on the significant others of their significant others’ friends in order to make or maintain friendships.

Which is difficult if you don't have a significant other ...

https://www.insidehook.com/article/health-and-fitness/male-friendship-crisis-solution-letters

 

[steelyman]

I would say "most people" old or young, spend far too much time talking about their exes on dates. Nothing could be a bigger red flag to me that someone fixated on their past wounds.

Sounds about right. I wonder if some people don’t take enough time getting truly comfortable being alone. Instead they dial up some insta-dating app.

 

[jollystomper]

Having manners and being pleasant company are subsets of being classy, but I'm not sure why formal dancing should be a prerequisite. (I assume you're kidding about the gigolo part - that wouldn't be classy at all, lol).

Indeed, the mention of ballroom dancing in this thread mystifies me. It was not on the agenda while I was growing up, and nobody I know does it.

For the record, I'm well-educated and consider myself a cultured person, who enjoys and can discuss a wide variety of topics (literature, music and art appreciation, theater, film, and so on). I also enjoy opera and ballet. But I've simply never been in a milieu where ballroom dancing was called for.

I would say there are many places (including the places that DW and I frequent) where ballroom dancing is what I would call "modernized" to the baby boomer generation. It is more informal. The dance steps are relatively simplified. The music is a mix of both big band and rock/disco/funk/r&b/country. It is more about moving with rhythm in sync with your partner than anything else.

At the last dance we went do (before DW fractured her ankle, not related ) the songs were diversified as "Sing, Sing Sing", "YMCA", "Make Me Smile", "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk", and "September". No one complained .

 

[Amethyst]

I know myself pretty well at this point, and I agree about people becoming set in our ways (the ways that have worked for us up to this point).

My issue, which Aerides alludes to, pertains mainly to people who can't let go of old wounds. I have met a stream of them. Some of the divorces and "crazy exes" (why, by the way, are they always crazy? Did someone drive them there, or do people routinely marry the insane?) turn out to have been 12-30 YEARS ago! I conclude that many older people, knowingly, or not, like their "martyr crowns" too much to move on.

I wouldn’t say older people have baggage and you shouldn’t date. I know plenty of folks on a second marriage starting later in life and they lived happily ever after. I would say that as people age they are more independent and are set in their ways. The key is to find a partner that can live parallel with you. Independent does not mean without loving relationships.

The key to finding a partner is to be honest with yourself about who you are.

 

[Katiek]

What sorts of things are you interested in? Do you like hiking, art, music, reading, sports of any sort? Find an activity that you'd enjoy doing just for the sake of doing it and then see if there is a group that does the activity - local hiking or nature groups or land conservancies, volunteers at a museum, library or historic site, art classes etc.



If you like the activity itself, just getting out and doing it will be fun and you'll likely meet people with a common interest. Most of the friendships will start out as casual acquaintances, but use the opportunity to talk to people and ask them about themselves. Some people will be busy and not have much time, but at least some will be friendly After some weeks, see whose company you enjoy and then suggest some activity or get together - maybe just grabbing coffee after an event, or visiting a hiking trail you wanted to try. At some point you need to make the effort and suggest something that brings the friendship to a more than casual acquaintance level. Just like with dating, there is a risk they'll say no, but don't take it personally. They simply may not have the time if they have other demands.


But some people will say yes. Even if it takes time to make new friends, you'll still have a chance to do an activity you like with a variety of people.



It's not easy making real friends at any age and it can take some real effort, but doing something you enjoy makes the effort more fun along the way.

 

[Scuba]

I'm not much good at it either, and you are doing what I would usually suggest. If you like to travel, you might try EF Go Ahead Tours. They specialize in group travel for individuals.

This is what I was going to suggest. Group travel or really any group activity you enjoy, such as pickleball or a cycling group or wine tasting or whatever you naturally enjoy doing. The bonus is that anyone you meet also enjoys similar activities. Great basis for a new friendship or romantic connection.

 

[jollystomper]

My issue, which Aerides alludes to, pertains mainly to people who can't let go of old wounds. I have met a stream of them. Some of the divorces and "crazy exes" (why, by the way, are they always crazy? Did someone drive them there, or do people routinely marry the insane?) turn out to have been 12-30 YEARS ago! I conclude that many older people, knowingly, or not, like their "martyr crowns" too much to move on.

This can also occur in making friendships. I believe people wearing the "matryr crown" feel that it will illicit a sympathetic response, when it will more likely drive people away.

I am an introvert but, when I socialize in new situations I follow two simple rules: (a) ask non-invasive questions and be a good listener, and (b) do not take yourself too seriously, any humor you try should be directed at yourself .

 

[Amethyst]

Excellent advice, and pretty easy to follow, too!

I am an introvert but, when I socialize in new situations I follow two simple rules: (a) ask non-invasive questions and be a good listener, and (b) do not take yourself too seriously, any humor you try should be directed at yourself .