Stepbrother Doesn't Work - Consequences/Prognosis (?)

[nhcycling]

I have a 60 something BIL that barely worked and he gets along just fine. Has a roof over his head, a 20 year old car and enough to eat. He doesn’t go out and doesn’t venture outside of town.
He gets all the free, subsidized aid available to him.

I also have a 28 y.o. nephew who hasn’t had a job except for a part time one once a few years ago. There are a million excuses to not get one, it’s too hard to find something that I like, I’m overqualified etc. He also gets all the free and subsidized aid he can.

We feel zero obligation to help or support either financially. To each their own. They live their life, we live ours.

 

[braumeister]

It doesn't sound like they're pulling the "poor me" excuse or can't hold a job so the obvious explanation is they're happy with not working. That's their mindset and you can't change it.

The good news is that society takes care of people and it's almost impossible to starve to death. They'll never be rich but they will get by...and for them that's enough.

I'm another one (apparently of many here) with a BIL in a similar state. For him, as with so many others, it's not a question of doing well, but rather of going through life on their own terms. No need to get involved or to feel guilty.

 

[Redbugdave]

It is all alien to me. No drive to do better, nor think about the future. I see the same kind of people around where I live, too. Maybe because of mental issues, (including the drug lifestyle), and poor parenting. Slob parents pass their values to make slob kids as well...I have seen it. Then with this Covid thing, living on the Gov teat has expanded this new type of life for many. If it were me, I would be taking advantage of all the open opportunities there is now to do something about a more solid future. The stepbrother is not your problem unless you want him to be.

 

[Walt34]

It does seem that almost every family has "one" who doesn't feel the need to accomplish much of anything.

I hasten to add that this is different from retirees who have already "done something" and are now reaping their just rewards.

We have a couple of relatives who have been less than ambitious and have made it a practice to always seek the easiest way out. One does have genuine mental issues but the others are simply lazy. A niece frustrated me no end when she was working at Maryland University. Employees, no matter what position held, could take two courses for free every semester, paying only for books. She was there for ten years and never took even one course.

 

[aaronc879]

It doesn't sound like they're pulling the "poor me" excuse or can't hold a job so the obvious explanation is they're happy with not working. That's their mindset and you can't change it.

The good news is that society takes care of people and it's almost impossible to starve to death. They'll never be rich but they will get by...and for them that's enough.

If you have no income and no savings you can definitely starve to death. Maybe this is just my State but here if you are a childless male you can only get 3 months of food stamps every 3 years. There are definitely people who fall thru the cracks. I am partially disabled but get no benefits. I'm too disabled to hold any full time job but not disabled enough to get benefits. If I didn't have savings from being very frugal(<$20K/yr spending every year of my life) I could be on the street by now. There is very little assistance for someone like me since I don't qualify for SS Disability and don't have kids.

 

[travelover]

I have a cousin who was in the military and retired after 20+ years. He never got a "real job" after that and lived in a trailer park making a few bucks as a maintenance guy. This really bothered my older brother who is about the same age and was a life long striver.

Having retired at 54 and never having had a real job since, I can understand my cousin. He had "enough" to support his desired lifestyle and was / is apparently happy doing it. We all have different expectations for ourselves and others. I have no doubt that some of my relatives think I'm a slacker, too.

 

[lucky penny]

If you have no income and no savings you can definitely starve to death. Maybe this is just my State but here if you are a childless male you can only get 3 months of food stamps every 3 years. There are definitely people who fall thru the cracks. I am partially disabled but get no benefits. I'm too disabled to hold any full time job but not disabled enough to get benefits. If I didn't have savings from being very frugal(<$20K/yr spending every year of my life) I could be on the street by now. There is very little assistance for someone like me since I don't qualify for SS Disability and don't have kids.

Thanks for sharing this. Too many people are quick to assume the worst about anyone who isn't working & also seem to believe that anyone can opt to sail through life easily on public assistance.

 

[jazz4cash]

Mental illness and mental wellness may be an issue here. I know folks that took disability because they could qualify. They could’ve switched to a less demanding occupation but financially it was more rewarding to stay home and collect disability. Their self esteem suffered. One individual is suffering from mental illness at this point. No idea of cause and effect but her condition is apparent. She refused to comply with requests to recertify disability claim so she was cut off and living in a paid off home with no power and no water. A family member applied for SS benefit because she doesn’t trust/won’t cooperate with The Government. Another individual I know could be suffering from depression and hypochondria.

When folks put themselves in these positions it’s natural for family members to feel obligated to help and even make sacrifices. I think OP is looking for ways to avoid that eventuality.

 

[Sunset]

It does seem that almost every family has "one" who doesn't feel the need to accomplish much of anything.

I hasten to add that this is different from retirees who have already "done something" and are now reaping their just rewards.

...

I think you are right that maybe nearly EVERY family has someone like this


I'm NOT sure this "reaping just rewards" is different from retiree's on this board, everyone generally had some money number and when they hit it, they retired.
Only difference is for some the money number is super low.


I had a cousin, he literally squandered away opportunity after opportunity, and we were very close. He was Brilliant, Tall, all good assets to have. But he was incredibly lazy.
It started young.
His parents gave him money to buy candy, where I had to earn my money by chopping wood or carrying wood out of the forest at 5 cents a piece!
My parents believed in child labor

He had free University which he threw away while I worked and paid my way.
He got an great sized inheritance ( 1/4 Million in today's dollars), which he blew through.
etc etc etc...

His only regret is that he died BEFORE he could break the trust his father had set up a few years ago.

He was largely retired his entire life, without many responsibilities, something a normal person works ~40 years to have.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

If he does ever ask for help you could offer to go with him to the county offices that offer mental health services and/or other services and assistance.
People who function normally in life under estimate how difficult it can be for others to go in and ask for help.

 

[Amethyst]

May I ask how you know he regrets this? Did he say something on his deathbed?

His only regret is that he died BEFORE he could break the trust his father had set up a few years ago.

 

[Sunset]

May I ask how you know he regrets this? Did he say something on his deathbed?

Maybe it wasn't his only regret, but it was top of the list.

When we visited him, before he went to the hospital and then died, it was the only thing he complained about in great detail and felt he needed to solve.

He talked fervently and with great anticipation of breaking his trust now that his Father had died. His Father had set it up a few years earlier, and my cousin said he couldn't do anything while Father was alive or Father could take back the money.

He described that a lawyer he had talked to said he could do it now. that Father was dead.

He told me, it's his right to get control of HIS MONEY, because it's HIS and be able to spend it how he wants, and he was sick and tired of the trustee limiting what he could spend the money on, and needing to ask.

I just let him rant on about it, as I didn't want to argue with him, and he really didn't appreciate the Trust ( even though he recognized I didn't have a Trust paying me every year).

Had he recovered and left the hospital, I'm sure he would have followed through and broken the Trust in some manner.

 

[Amethyst]

Oh, my. Talk about leaving money on the table.

R.I.P.

Maybe it wasn't his only regret, but it was top of the list.

When we visited him, before he went to the hospital and then died, it was the only thing he complained about in great detail and felt he needed to solve.

He talked fervently and with great anticipation of breaking his trust now that his Father had died. His Father had set it up a few years earlier, and my cousin said he couldn't do anything while Father was alive or Father could take back the money.

He described that a lawyer he had talked to said he could do it now. that Father was dead.

He told me, it's his right to get control of HIS MONEY, because it's HIS and be able to spend it how he wants, and he was sick and tired of the trustee limiting what he could spend the money on, and needing to ask.

I just let him rant on about it, as I didn't want to argue with him, and he really didn't appreciate the Trust ( even though he recognized I didn't have a Trust paying me every year).

Had he recovered and left the hospital, I'm sure he would have followed through and broken the Trust in some manner.

 

[ivinsfan]

Maybe it wasn't his only regret, but it was top of the list.

When we visited him, before he went to the hospital and then died, it was the only thing he complained about in great detail and felt he needed to solve.

He talked fervently and with great anticipation of breaking his trust now that his Father had died. His Father had set it up a few years earlier, and my cousin said he couldn't do anything while Father was alive or Father could take back the money.

He described that a lawyer he had talked to said he could do it now. that Father was dead.

He told me, it's his right to get control of HIS MONEY, because it's HIS and be able to spend it how he wants, and he was sick and tired of the trustee limiting what he could spend the money on, and needing to ask.

I just let him rant on about it, as I didn't want to argue with him, and he really didn't appreciate the Trust ( even though he recognized I didn't have a Trust paying me every year).

Had he recovered and left the hospital, I'm sure he would have followed through and broken the Trust in some manner.

Just reading this makes me feel the gentleman had other issues going on. I thought the idea was that people don't talk about money on their deathbeds..

 

[Sunset]

Oh, my. Talk about leaving money on the table.

R.I.P.

True, but he died young and the Trust could have provided him another 20-30 yrs of $$$ .

The remaining Trust amount was split amoung his siblings, so it wasn't lost.

I hope I leave money on the table when I die, I'd hate to be scrounging for food and a roof when I'm in my last years.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I don't think so. Thx.

I do suspect he does have some kind of disability to qualify for subsidized housing and the ability to have some sort of sustaining income. We usually can't get the full picture from the outside. He maybe unable to work as opposed to being too lazy to work.

 

[gauss]

+1

I also go the impression that he may already be declared disabled in order to qualify for housing assistance if he is under 65.

If so, he may be drawing SSDI (ie "disability" Social Security) in addition.

If you were able to see his tax return then Social Security income for someone less than 62 would nearly always imply that he was declared disabled by SS. In general the other programs would follow this declaration.

-gauss

 

[Koolau]

imho: Work is over-rated!

Let me re-phrase it: Structured work and structured life is overrated. For a single person, in grand schema of things, quality of life is not hugely different if someone one is making $10K per year vs $30k per year. Mostly due to social safety nets that are tied to someone's income. At this level, smart thing is to make others work for you so that they can pay for your benefits

Yeah, I've been paying for others benefits for a long time. Finally getting a little of it back in the form of SS. Just hope I live long enough to "get my share." YMMV

 

[Major Tom]

It does seem that almost every family has "one" who doesn't feel the need to accomplish much of anything.

I hasten to add that this is different from retirees who have already "done something" and are now reaping their just rewards.

I appreciate you making this distinction Walt, as I occasionally feel like a wastrel in my retirement

 

[Elliotgb183]

Need = Necessity.

 

[ivinsfan]

I do suspect he does have some kind of disability to qualify for subsidized housing and the ability to have some sort of sustaining income. We usually can't get the full picture from the outside. He maybe unable to work as opposed to being too lazy to work.

Not necessarily anybody here remember Kato Kaelin..

 

[JohnRM]

Stand in the place where you live

So if someone was able to set up a special needs trust for him, he must have a disability. Maybe autism? Or is he mentally handicapped? I hope it all works out.

 

[gooddog]

1. He will not change.
2. #1 is not your problem in any way, shape or form.

3. The loss of subsidies and tax penalties for going back to work are a trap.

 

[OldShooter]

So if someone was able to set up a special needs trust for him, he must have a disability. ...

I don't believe that is the case. The goal of a special needs trust is to provide for the beneficiary in a way that doesn't result in the trust being an asset that negatively affects any sort of public benefits to which they may otherwise be entitled.

But this is an area where it is imperative to hire an in-state expert attorney.

 

[marion10]

If he is subsidized housing now, he will stay there or be moved to a senior complex. If he doesn’t have enough SSA coverage, he’ll get SSI. He will get Medicaid/Medical and food stamps. He will be fine.Not what you would choose but fine. Giving him money would cause him to loose eligibility for benefits.