I guess I did make it sound pretty pathetic. Guess that's partly from writing at 2am. I have enjoyed being single most of my life. I've had opportunities not to be, but just never wanted most of what comes with marriage. I like to be alone when I want to be, have trouble sleeping with anyone else in the room, and don't really enjoy cooking and cleaning.
I always had many men "friends' who were great when I needed an escort, travel companion or card partner with other couples. Some of my best friends have been men, but I never wanted to live with them or have to pick just one.
I have traveled, lived in many states, still am in touch with a dozen friends nationwide that I've known 30+ years. So, single life has been pretty good overall.
That's good. Sounds like you have a pretty rich life. You get to do what you want, you have male friends when you need them, and you have a nice network of social contacts.
The negative though is that most of my male friends eventually married, and even if we had been platonic friends for 20-25 years, their wives made them stop having any communication with me. Also, so many of my friends (female) who married, but stayed close friends, eventually got so busy with kids and grandkids that they slowly became occasional friends you'd get together with once in awhile just to catch up.
Yes, when people get married, they get more insular (focused more on their spouse and kids, less involved with other friends and family). That's clear in the research on the subject.
I used to give parties and 30 people on average showed up. Now, I'm lucky if two couples are free at the same time for lunch or dinner.
You're more social than me. I'd never throw a party. I try to find ways of getting out of parties. lol. So one difference I'm noticing is that you're probably more of an extrovert than I am. Perhaps that can make solo life more challenging, because so much depends on getting your social needs met.
Where there were always people to go with you, anywhere anytime, now it's hard to find someone to take you to a medical appointment. I never need anyone to drive me. In fact, I am the person who picks up older people for church activities at night, or who need a ride to doctors. But you all, I'm sure, have had those medical procedures that they will not let you drive yourself home from, no matter how sure you are that you are capable. With no family, it is difficult to find someone to take you, stick around (which is often required), and then take you home, without feeling you being an imposition. With family, that's expected. That's what family does. They're always there.
Yeah, that can be a challenge. It came up for me once, with a colonoscopy, and I was able to prevail upon a friend. But yeah, it's a hassle for them. I hear that you can hire someone to do it, although I'm not sure how that works.
So, there's been some really good things about being single, but the older I get the more negatives that seem to crop up.
Hm. I have a different experience. The older I get, the more I appreciate the freedom and peace of mind that comes with being single. In my earlier life, I struggled more with it. I think that was because of two things: 1) a sense that I was missing out, 2) insecurity, or a sense that being single meant there was something deficient about me. I no longer feel either of those things, and I haven't for many years.
If I'm not being too presumptuous, I would encourage you to look at whatever thinking is behind "the negatives" that are cropping up for you. Maybe they are just pragmatic stuff like "Who's going to take me to my outpatient surgery?" or maybe they have something to do with how you're looking at it. I don't know, but I do know that there is a lot of stigmatization and stereotyping of single people, especially in our generation, and it can get into our heads without our consent.
Nothing overwhelming so far, but wonder what might happen if I get something like Alzheimer's, or what happens to my cats if I have to stay in a hospital for days, or worse if I die suddenly? No one's going to check on them until they realize I'm gone, which could be awhile.
Anyone else worry about these aging issues as an independent single?
Sure. If I get Alzheimer's, I'm taking myself out before it progresses. I'm not going to drool away my last few years in a nursing home. I'm more worried about a stroke that leaves me trapped, without the ability to self-delete. Hopefully I'll just have a massive heart attack or die in my sleep. That would be ideal. Of course, I'm not in charge.
As for pets, you can hire a pet sitter, couldn't you? They can come to your house if you trust them. Maybe have one picked out in advance for emergencies, if you're worried about it. I carry a card in my wallet notifying anyone that if I'm in an accident, I've got pets at home that should be taken care of.
If you die suddenly, your will or documents should specify what happens to your pets. I've got a folder in my desk that is labelled "If I Die or Am Incapacitated," and my siblings know where to find it. I've got instructions there for what should happen to any pets I might have. I'm not sure if you have any family you could entrust with that sort of responsibility, but presumably you've got someone designated as executor to your will/estate. So you could specify instructions there.
These are common concerns among single people who are aging. I am a member of a FB group of singles who like being single, and these sorts of things get talked about periodically.
Chuckanut, a large part of your purposefulness is being there for your children. That's what I list when my parents passed too soon. You may be unmarried, but it sounds like you have enough family that you aren't really single, (in the sense I got from the initial post), at least not alone. If you only had Enjoying Yourself left, wouldn't you feel less essential and worthwhile? I want to feel I'm contributing to something more than my own pleasure.
Yes, "enjoying yourself" isn't going to sustain you over the long term. It's fine as far as it goes, but it's not going to satisfy your need for a sense of purpose or meaning. We all need something to live for besides just our own pleasure. Nothing wrong with enjoying your life, of course, but I need more than just self-focused pleasure.
We have to find this for ourselves, though, so I can't tell you what it is. You might think about finding a volunteer position. You might think about creative pursuits. You might think about the role of learning and self-development -- which sounds self-focused, but really it isn't, since when you grow and improve, that positively affects the people and animals around you. Speaking of animals, you are a loving presence for your furry friends, and we shouldn't diminish the importance of that. And although it sounds corny, simply being kind to the people and animals you encounter in your day is a way to live meaningfully and purposefully. It doesn't have to be something grand; it can be quite ordinary.
The nice part is, being single gives you plenty of time, freedom, and space to explore these issues, experiment, and find your way to a mix that feels comfortable and right for you. Good luck!
