Too many goodbyes for toddler?

[kgtest]

Got a note from child care provider that we said too many good bye's today with the 3 1/2 uyr old and is concerned about a transition.



I did some googling, but I wanted my favorite forum to chime in.


How did you say goodbye to your toddler? One thing I want to be sure of is that I am consistent, and if there is crying that they feel safe.


So far he doesn't really cry, and today with the five goodbyes (one hug, two fist bumps, and two high-fives) was definitely more than I normally do, usually i've been asking do you want a hug because he used to always hug, but has wanted to some days not hug and just fist bump, or some days he fist bumps with a last minute hug.


Thoughts?



Haven't been back to pickup yet, but when I see provider I expect to understand from their vantage what the behavioral and emotional differences are AFTER I leave with the various levels of good byes.


I always like evidence.

 

[kgtest]

Oh and for some reason this upset me getting this note from them, but I calmed down after reading a few articles that said good bye's should be swift and prompt. I can accept that. Today it took about 20-30 seconds longer for us to bid farewell.

Also recently noticed more baby talk and potty talk after the 2 older kids went off to kindergarten, transitioning him as the oldest. Oh and sorry for the run-on sentences. I do that when I'm a bit emotional.

 

[joeea]

Got a note from child care provider that we said too many good bye's today with the 3 1/2 uyr old and is concerned about a transition.

I always like evidence.

You are looking for some scientific study that comes to a conclusion regarding the optimal number of "goodbyes"?

Either just let it go, or assume that experienced childcare professionals know these things and are trying to give you good advice and prevent issues from occurring.

IMHO (and I'm not a professional daycare provider), things work best when they are treated in a matter-of-fact manner. "See you this afternoon" and a quick kiss or hug, then out the door. For me at least five goodbyes in any combination of hugs, fist-bumps, high-fives, is asking for extended sadness at parent's leaving, rather than providing confidence in what the new day brings.

i've been asking do you want a hug because he used to always hug

Daycare can often be hard on parents.

 

[MichaelB]

Swift goodbye's are better - the child tends to adapt more quickly. Still, you're the parent, you choose how to drop off your child. If you want 10 hugs, that's your choice. If that makes separation with your child and their job more difficult, well, that's life, and they need to deal with it.


Our 3 went to day care, and their children go as well. One of our DDs also worked in a day care. Of all the issues and challenges related to day care, and there are many, extended goodbye's are not near the top of the list.

 

[Texas Proud]

Just a thought with no backup...


Maybe they do not want each parent/guardian to take 30 seconds to a minute for them to say goodbye as it slows down the line...


I know when I had to pick up my daughter when she was in elementary school the line could go really slow.. they encouraged the kids to be ready to go at a moments notice.... some really went slow and it affected everybody else....

 

[kgtest]

Swift goodbye's are better - the child tends to adapt more quickly. Still, you're the parent, you choose how to drop off your child. If you want 10 hugs, that's your choice. If that makes separation with your child and their job more difficult, well, that's life, and they need to deal with it.


Our 3 went to day care, and their children go as well. One of our DDs also worked in a day care. Of all the issues and challenges related to day care, and there are many, extended goodbye's are not near the top of the list.

yeah, I thought the fact that he's been running around calling everything and everyone a booby would be more concerning to the provider, but no mention.


Thanks MichaelB!

 

[candrew]

Having shared your concerns with DW, who is retired from teaching with a graduate degree in early childhood development; this is her take on the evidence you've provided.

1. Be thrilled that your child is not crying when you separate from him.
2. Prolonged goodbyes on the part of parents with their young children is typically done for the benefit of the parent who feels badly for leaving their child. DW says that even in cases where young children cry after a parent leaves them at day care or kindergarten, the child typically stops within 5 minutes after the parent has departed. Their teachers have been trained and know how to handle this.
3. DW's advice - a kiss, a hug, "I love you", then leave. You will be conditioning your child over time that even though mom/dad has dropped them off, they will eventually return to pick them up.

 

[target2019]

The customer is always right. You pay the bill, so say goodbye as much as you want.

 

[candrew]

DW also mentioned that what concerned her as a kindergarten teacher more than a long parental goodbye was how some parents failed to engage with their child upon picking them up from school. Typically, she finds that young children are excited to share with mom and dad about their school day. Too often, DW says that she witnessed parents more engaged with their electronic devices than in sharing the joy of their child having new discoveries in school.

 

[dtbach]

I guess its up to the parent and how the child reacts.


Anyway, this qualifies as a First World problem . . .

 

[Jerry1]

The customer is always right. You pay the bill, so say goodbye as much as you want.

That right there is what I’m thinking. I’ll say goodbye to my loved one, my family, however I want. That’s not to say I don’t respect their opinion, but it’s just that, an opinion.

And so what if it’s for your benefit more than the child. If you want a hug, get a hug. One day they may not want to hug you. Get it while you can.

And, if I’m slowing down the line, yes, other people and timeframes need to be respected, but seriously? One hug, two fist bumps and two high fives? What are we talking here, going from 30 seconds down to 15 seconds?

Smile and say I’ll give your ideas some thought (as you go in for another hug).

 

[joeea]

The customer is always right. You pay the bill, so say goodbye as much as you want.

And you can never say you weren't warned.

 

[5j404]

five goodbyes in any combination of hugs, fist-bumps, high-fives, is asking for extended sadness at parent's leaving, rather than providing confidence in what the new day brings.

I second this. Extended goodbyes also start effecting other children. Every child is facing their own stuggles.
Maybe you could consider to adding 15 minutes to your morning routine somewhere, to have a cup of cofffe/ warm milk together or even take a short walk or an extra couch snuggle. If your dropping off others and the morning is rushed, can you get them to school 5 min earlier so you two have 5 min in the car of quiet to just be, or maybe your child needs a sing stong attitude song with you to head into school. Remember too you can always try running through a goodbyes with your childs and their stuffed animals coming up with a quick goodby and a loving reuion
One thing I learned from working at a school is although they aren't always right, I found Preschools and daycares are usally very very hesitant to write specific notes about issues so when you get one, give some weight to it.
PS I also second having your phone turned off when picking up. Be present.

 

[iloveyoga]

I used to say one good-bye and then leave. I don't miss the day care days.

 

[marko]

Didn't have daycare when I was a kid, but when I got to kindergarten at age 4 1/2, mom was so glad to get rid of me, she opened the car door and said: "Go through that door and I'll see you in a few hours"

Somehow, someway, through some act of God and my guardian angels, and as unbelievable as it might sound, I managed to survive.

 

[candrew]

Didn't have daycare when I was a kid, but when I got to kindergarten at age 4 1/2, mom was so glad to get rid of me, she opened the car door and said: "Go through that door and I'll see you in a few hours"

Somehow, someway, through some act of God and my guardian angels, and as unbelievable as it might sound, I managed to survive.

Your mom and mine must have compared notes! I joked with my siblings that mom used to wrap our school lunch sandwiches in a road map with directions out of town.

Kids are pretty resilient.

 

[timo2]

My DW got kicked out of Kindergarten. She came home with a note pinned on that said, in effect: 'do not bring her back'

 

[Bestwifeever]

Kindergarten? You had kindergarten?

 

[REWahoo]

I didn't get kicked out of kindergarten, I dropped out. Couldn't handle the math.

 

[6miths]

If they felt the need to send a note then they clearly think that it was important to do so.

Our plan was always to give the 'sell story' that this is the best place ever - which if your child is going to turn out to be a well adjusted person and you have chosen a reasonable place should be true at this age. After a short transition they should be running away from you - yes it could sting a bit. They don't have the longest attention spans and the more you make out of it the more they will think that there is a reason that they shouldn't like what should be a great place for them.

Like taking off a bandaid. Just do it.

 

[kgtest]

Didn't have daycare when I was a kid, but when I got to kindergarten at age 4 1/2, mom was so glad to get rid of me, she opened the car door and said: "Go through that door and I'll see you in a few hours"

Somehow, someway, through some act of God and my guardian angels, and as unbelievable as it might sound, I managed to survive.

Lol. You make a completely obvious and valid point. At first I took the note to be an issue with my son wanting more goodbyes...but in reality the provider was coaching me the parent and it makes perfect sense. She followed up by saying fall transition is usually hard..and for the parent not the kid lol. I did one quick hug today and he cried and I had to kind of shut the door and mobe him away to make it quick today. This was new lol. First time he was so upset at dropoff since we started with the new provider and he cried that first transitional week.

At the end of the day I feel like hes safe and I can go about my work day knowing I can trust the provider and to me that peace of mind is worth every penny I spend on his care.

 

[Walt34]

Didn't have daycare when I was a kid, but when I got to kindergarten at age 4 1/2, mom was so glad to get rid of me, she opened the car door and said: "Go through that door and I'll see you in a few hours"

Your mom drove you to kindergarten? I had to walk, it was about a mile. Uphill both ways of course.

 

[6miths]

Your mom drove you to kindergarten? I had to walk, it was about a mile. Uphill both ways of course.

Usually in a blizzard or driving rain! With no shoes!

 

[Winemaker]

There is a SAHM who lives at end of cul-de-sac who divorced her husband after he put her through college and grad school for accounting, and she refused to get a job. He had an accounting office in the house.

She has NEVER said good bye to her 3 kids, she is the ultimate helicopter mom. She drives them to the bus stop, and walks them to the bus; and she is there in afternoon to help them off the bus and drive them home. The street has 6 houses on each side, before cul de sac The oldest is a junior in high school, and I'm sure he wants to climb under a rock. Last year, the door bell rang, and it was the mother, and three kids selling some restaurant discount card for the band. The MOM gave the "spiel" about the cards, she has remarried, but he lives in a different city, state. I'm just waiting to read about them kids in the newspaper one day, well, see them on TV, as I don't get the newspaper anymore. She probably takes their lunch to school.

 

[kgtest]

There is a SAHM who lives at end of cul-de-sac who divorced her husband after he put her through college and grad school for accounting, and she refused to get a job. He had an accounting office in the house.

She has NEVER said good bye to her 3 kids, she is the ultimate helicopter mom. She drives them to the bus stop, and walks them to the bus; and she is there in afternoon to help them off the bus and drive them home. The street has 6 houses on each side, before cul de sac The oldest is a junior in high school, and I'm sure he wants to climb under a rock. Last year, the door bell rang, and it was the mother, and three kids selling some restaurant discount card for the band. The MOM gave the "spiel" about the cards, she has remarried, but he lives in a different city, state. I'm just waiting to read about them kids in the newspaper one day, well, see them on TV, as I don't get the newspaper anymore. She probably takes their lunch to school.

Lol. She sounds like a winner. As for her ex the saying goes....there is a sucker born every minute. In his case a big ole WonderPop lol