Is Taking Up A Collection For A Friend Ever Inappropriate?

[Midpack]

I play golf regularly with over 20 guys. All of us are at least comfortably FIRE or SIRE. One guys (alias Joe) wife has had several health issues for many years. She recently had a cancer relapse, began treatments, but it’s been so difficult she’s elected to stop treatments.

The guy who informally leads the golf, just texted all of us suggesting we take up a collection for Joe. He has good intentions I’m sure. I’m more the happy to contribute to collections especially as a thank you, but I’m not sure this is a situation that calls for it? Joe doesn’t need the money, so he could be confused or mildly resentful? I know I wouldn’t want the guys to take up a collection for me were I in the same situation - a little money won’t help, and we don’t need it.

Curious how others react.

[edit: “Joe” is a modest man who never looks for attention or sympathy, would never ask for anything. We’re all big fans of Joe, nicest guy in the world. Doesn’t affect what’s appropriate to me, but some asked. YMMV]

 

[freedomatlast]

Given the situation, I think it would be awkward. Might be better to make a sincere offer of nonmonetary help and support of any kind.

 

[skyking1]

I can see your point, regarding the financial status. Money is easy to give and in other cases it is welcome and needed.
I would suggest doing something else to let your friend know without a doubt that you are supporting and acknowledging the difficulties he and his family are going through.
Money is easy, but a gesture of shared burden and support is more difficult.
I'd suggest to the leader what you are thinking and try to come up with something not material in nature.

 

[skyking1]

Given the situation, I think it would be awkward. Might be better to make a sincere offer of help of any kind.

^something like this^
I did that for the sister/owner at my employer when her husband was dying. I changed out the locks on her door and Friday I said we could pick out and install a new door any time she wanted. She really appreciated it.

 

[Nash]

Reading this makes me wonder if we play in the same golf group.

In my world, it's far too common for someone to take up a collection of cash when someone else meets some type of misfortune. I hate it and refuse to participate.

Once, there was a collection for a guy whose son died tragically. After the funeral the father and his wife took a very expensive around the world cruise.

If someone took up a collection for me, I'd refuse it and demand the money be returned to the donators.

 

[LateToFIRE]

Awkward at best. The whole collection thing makes me cringe.

 

[frayne]

In our golf group we only pass the hat around for flowers or a memorial type gift when someone loses a close family member.

 

[Aerides]

Yeah I get the sentiment but "your wife is dying here's some cash" seems an odd way to approach it.

 

[MichaelB]

If Joe is financially independent he won’t need money and it might even be a source of confusion. Awkward as well.

Companionship and support after his wife passes might be more meaningful and relevant.

 

[razztazz]

Awkward at best. The whole collection thing makes me cringe.

The only thing that makes me cringe more is the people who accept it. And I'm referring to only the demographic we are speaking of here. The Well-off. People who already have all the means needed to meet any emergency or life's vicissitudes. The truly needy or perhaps a young person who has not had a lifetime to acquire resources, sure, help would be appropriate.

Like frayne said, if it's flowers or some other condolence / memorial, OK.

Whenever I see these pleas for money or a Go Fund Me account on TV for people who had a house fire or something I always ask "Don't they have insurance?" "If not, why not?" I never hear anybody say: "Please don't start a Go Fund Me page for us. We know it's one of life's tragedies but we got it covered."

I know, I'm a beast.

 

[aja8888]

When my wife died a year a go, my group of ROMEO (and golf) friends took up a collection and donated it to the local Women's Shelter here in my wife's name. Those places need the money.

Note I said after she died.

 

[pacergal]

Has Joe said something to the man who suggested starting this, asking for money? If so, then suggest a "go fund me" thing.
You never know for sure what someones financial situation is, especially regarding medical issues/bills.

Perhaps a sincere "can we help with anything" next time you all golf together, to fine out what they would really find helpful/useful/meaningful.
Also, perhaps doing a "Meal Train" type of thing might be of more assistance. Being able to have good food that you don't have to prepare is often useful when you don't feel well.

 

[Jerry1]

I think the money is best considered after death. Then, probably some donation on the deceased behalf. When I see something like what this person is going through, I tell them how sorry I am and tell them if there's anything they need, let me know. Then I look them square in the eye and say it again to let them know I mean it. Still, I've never had anyone take me up on it. Now, I'm trying to think of something I can just do to let someone know I care. Flowers and small gifts are nice, but probably not needed. Would love to hear some good ideas. So far, the best I can figure out is the old standard - drop off a casserole.

 

[Car-Guy]

When my wife died a year a go, my group of ROMEO (and golf) friends took up a collection and donated it to the local Women's Shelter here in my wife's name. Those places need the money.

Note I said after she died.

Seems like a good way to "give" for those individuals who don't need it.

 

[aja8888]

I think the money is best considered after death. Then, probably some donation on the deceased behalf. When I see something like what this person is going through, I tell them how sorry I am and tell them if there's anything they need, let me know. Then I look them square in the eye and say it again to let them know I mean it. Still, I've never had anyone take me up on it. Now, I'm trying to think of something I can just do to let someone know I care. Flowers and small gifts are nice, but probably not needed. Would love to hear some good ideas. So far, the best I can figure out is the old standard - drop off a casserole.

When my wife was dying from COPD and other conditions that are a result of all the medication, it took about three years of misery before she passed. My friends made offers to help, if I had any needs, and I really didn't need anything over that period that I could not handle myself. When she was gone is when they took up the collection and made the gift to the Woman's Shelter.

 

[aja8888]

Seems like a good way to "give" for those individuals who don't need it.

Those organizations really need the donations. They do good work.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Companionship and emotional support is the most important thing you can do for someone. You can invite them both over for dinner, continue this once Joe is alone, see if you can help him with any tasks around the house, etc. This will feel better for everyone.

 

[easysurfer]

This brings back memories of days at the office when there'd be collections for all sort of things. Sounds to me like the lead guy of the golf group might just be trying to make a good gesture (that the group cares about Joe). I do agree with more the after death sentiment as others have mentioned.

 

[jollystomper]

Whatever happened to actually talking to someone one perceives is in need, to find out what they need?

Many times the biggest need they have is something other than money.

 

[Chuckanut]

It sounds like the collection has no set purpose. Would not something helpful be better such as providing some good meals, giving Joe time away from caring for his wife, etc.?

 

[rk911]

Does the "collection" have to be financial? Maybe, collectively, everyone pitches in to provide meals, do household chores (yardwork, shopping, etc) so Joe can spend more time with his wife), provide tranportation to/from doc's, etc.

 

[38Chevy454]

Instead of cash, what about buying up some restaurant gift cards and giving them some nice night out while his wife can still do something fun? Or pay for a house cleaners? It still seems a little weird, but if she isn't great health, not cooking or cleaning may be a nice break for them.

 

[Koolau]

I understand the sentiment of wanting to DO something, but it's not always appropriate. I'd do my best to quash the whole thing (assuming, as you say, there is no actual financial need.) Just my 2 cents worth so YMMV.

 

[MarieIG]

Rather than giving them cash maybe have a dinner delivered or something like that?

I have had friends with cancer (and have been ill myself) and friends come up with a care package - some items which may be well received for someone undergoing chemo / cancer treatments.

 

[pb4uski]

... Perhaps a sincere "can we help with anything" next time you all golf together, to fine out what they would really find helpful/useful/meaningful.
Also, perhaps doing a "Meal Train" type of thing might be of more assistance. Being able to have good food that you don't have to prepare is often useful when you don't feel well.

+1 I think that favors that make your friend and his wife's life easier during this difficult time like having to cook and clean less often, perhaps if in your area there are certain seasonal chores that one or more of you golf guys can cover off for him and things like that will be much more appreciated than $$$$.