Tough dinner conversation with adult live-in daughter

[tmm99]

It must be that weekly newsletter email. It seems to bring in a lot of newer folks who haven’t visited recently.

Ah! That makes perfect sense!

 

[DallasGuy]

Very simple solution. Tell her to find somewhere else to live...at least until the pandemic is over.

 

[dave13]

My 25 year old moved into his first post-college apartment just as the pandemic was hitting. I was delighted that he was moving out, but scared of what he was going to get exposed to. He's been out for about 9 months, has his small quaran-team that meets up once a week, and met a really nice young woman.

My daughter (23) and her husband were an hour + away at grad school where the undergrads party like it's 1999 every day. The campus went RED and all their classes went on-line. They moved out of their university apartment and back in with us a few weeks after classes started. They quaran-teamed with us for the summer. We minimized outings and grocery store exposures. Currently, they are on campus for 3.5 days a week and with us for 3.5 days.

This has worked for us.

We has some hard conversations, but not as hard as yours.

I'd suggest your daughter find a group of friends who can rent a place together. Before they sign the lease, they need to discuss the rules:

• How much exposure are they willing to risk?
• How about guests?
• When they party, do they all party together or can they go to multiple parties?
• What happens is someone gets the virus?

They could do well by developing their living condition into a quaran-team and live as a family unit.

Good luck, Mr Rat.

 

[dave13]

Yup. It was a really good title that sucked us right in....

 

[Ablatus]

There are things you can ask her to do that will greatly improve her risk.
1. Wearing a n95 or mask using polypropylene as at least one layer of a fitted mask, with metal nose clip.
2. Wear big wrap around sunglasses.
3. Have hand sanitizer and use it as soon as ahe leaves a location, before getting in her car.
4. Removing shoes outside house and again, using some type of wipe down for hands.
5. Take cloths off as soon as she gets home and wash them.
6. Take her temperature and finger oxygen level 2x daily.
Also, she is educated, so sit down with her. Tell her you need 30 mins of her time. Go through, with a sheet of paper, and put into writing a flow sheet of how she is protecting the family, what happens if she gets ill. Where will she stay because you can't risk her staying home. List sacrifices you and your wife have been doing to keep the family healthy. Have her list her sacrifices. We ALL are feeling like she is feeling. Maybe she can rent a bed in one of her friend's houses for 6 months, if she doesn't feel she has any responsibility forthe family well being. She is being selfish regarding the family unit. She must not feel like she has any ownership. Ask her. She might agree to find temporary housing until she has caught it and recovered or the vaccine is available.

 

[Perryinva]

I agree with your daughter, I think you are being unfair. I think it's a mistake for you to allow this issue to cause a problem with her living her life. At the end of the day it's your house and you can make whatever rules you want, but I think it would be a mistake that you will regret.

I am of the exact opposite opinion. In what even tiny way is the OP being unfair? Reckless is reckless in the current situation. A quarter of a million Americans are dead thanks to opinions like yours. I applaud the OP. Our normally stupid (financially, emotionally) 31 year old son lives in the same town 6 miles away (his own house) and DW who is 68 & immunity compromised hasn’t seen him but once in 6 months because he works (masked) and we have no way of knowing how exposed he has been. He agrees, as he’s been hospitalized twice with an asthma attack and the idea of him being the cause of that to us is enough to make him responsible as far as that is concerned. No whining about rights that don’t exist. There will be plenty more parties, etc, etc. “Living your life” does not mean being community irresponsible.

 

[Perryinva]

No,you should read a little before commenting...especially on a long thread.

What are you? the thread police? Who cares? Its an anonymous forum. Anyone can respond anytime they want as long as the thread is unlocked.

 

[Perryinva]

Yup. It was a really good title that sucked us right in....

Bingo! Never would have read otherwise.

 

[mrmitchell]

^^^This

and how many die each day on average?

 

[caramel]

I am of the exact opposite opinion. In what even tiny way is the OP being unfair? Reckless is reckless in the current situation. A quarter of a million Americans are dead thanks to opinions like yours. I applaud the OP. Our normally stupid (financially, emotionally) 31 year old son lives in the same town 6 miles away (his own house) and DW who is 68 & immunity compromised hasn’t seen him but once in 6 months because he works (masked) and we have no way of knowing how exposed he has been. He agrees, as he’s been hospitalized twice with an asthma attack and the idea of him being the cause of that to us is enough to make him responsible as far as that is concerned. No whining about rights that don’t exist. There will be plenty more parties, etc, etc. “Living your life” does not mean being community irresponsible.

Agree 100%.

 

[MoPops]

Wow. I guess this really means different things to each of us. I just don’t pass up opportunities to be with my kids and grandkids. I’m 66, but healthy. So I guess I’m low risk. If I had a lot of co-morbidities I’d have a different approach. I agree the OP needs to protect himself and his spouse.
Me, I’m just not going to live in fear for the rest of my life. I don’t see how this is ever going to literally go away, we are just going to have to live with it. I’m just not going to jeopardize my relationships with kids and grandkids.
FYI, I’m a mask wearer, and hand washer. I stay away from others. But a hug from a grandchild is one of the best things in life.

 

[Rianne]

I can't count how many scenarios such as OP post are in our community. Friends of friends, family neighbors...I think this is a helpful discussion. We live in a Big Ten University town with a huge community college, this is a concern. I encourage suggestions and solutions of every kind. Schools are in session, students everywhere.

 

[Buckeye]

It’s been good for me to hear others are facing this. Sometimes I feel really alone. My siblings all live around here. I feel I have always been the scapegoat in my family of origin. I am always kinda the outsider and this pandemic reinforces that. My siblings regularly continue to go out to eat together, just last weekend spent a weekend evening at a casino, and go to other events together. They pretty much feel it’s an election infection and deny it exists. This week one of my grown nieces is coming and I’m sure it will be another week of going out.

I won’t be there. I hope I at least get to see her for a few minutes but who knows. I have a 10 yo old niece I’m close to, but she goes to school, goes to sports, gymnastic etc just like nothing is going on. I feel more and more distance between me and all of them. I live in SD where one in twenty four are infected. You see few masks and social distancing.

Hopefully This ends and we can recover the relationships . They’ve never been really good, but I have no one else

I'm in FL but I'm right there with you on taking the same precautions even though my county's positivity rate is about 5%. Your positivity rate is frightening. I'm watching the news stories about your hospitals becoming overwhelmed and my heart breaks for the medical personnel who are stretched/stressed to the max. Based on what you describe, I now understand how your state got to it's positivity rate.

 

[MrsHaloFIRE]

It would be a positive development in this country if multi-generational households became common. I heard a podcast discussing the topic and I agree there would be many social, emotional, healthcare and economic benefits if more families could make it work. Unfortunately, the commentator also said that, for it to work out, American families would need to learn much better patience, flexibility, respect and interpersonal skills at getting along with each other than most have, such as honoring and respecting strict safety rules to protect each other during a pandemic. Honestly, I’m not sure how well my own family would fare in that scenario. Nice idea though.

I dunno. I dont want to live with children that arent mine, or live my life the way my parents and inlaws live theirs and I know Im not alone in that. There's generally a reason we left, because in our own home we make the standard. On the one hand theres the multigenerational shangrila of shared workload, expenses, life experience. And the other hand is my rule of 2 grownups per house, atleast at my house. Others may do as they wish. And it has nothing to do with patience, flexibility, respect and interpersonal skills. If I had wanted to marry my fatherinlaw, I would have. But I dont. and I dont wanna live with him.

 

[Aerides]

For those (many) that missed it, the OP shared a resolution to the family issue a couple of pages back (snipped version below to summarize):

I have found many of the posts helpful. I have never lived thru a pandemic so there was a learning curve. With help from posters I was able to drill down to the most basic issues...

I am grateful to everyone who supported my daughter's right to express her side of things as well...

DD may have already found a very nice apartment less than a mile from us at a price she can afford. She filled out the application last night and we are all actually very excited about her moving forward. Thank-You all!