Unusual and Sad Situation

[Teacher Terry]

BM, yes she told us she took care of all the necessary documents. The dangerous son is also my husband’s son. Hopefully she got the message that my husband is only going once but he said he intends to reinforce that on the trip. I don’t envy him making that trip.

 

[Teacher Terry]

So they are in Arizona and yes she has changed all her wills into living trust. They met other people that travel there alone for treatment. At first my husband wanted to have a relationship with the bad son and I said you can do whatever you want but I don’t want him at our house or ever to see him again. He has decided he is toxic. What a roller coaster between losing my job and this. I so appreciate all the support from this forum. I am starting to worry that I cannot seem to remember not to post anything political. I really hope it’s just the stress.

 

[ivinsfan]

So they are in Arizona and yes she has changed all her wills into living trust. They met other people that travel there alone for treatment. At first my husband wanted to have a relationship with the bad son and I said you can do whatever you want but I don’t want him at our house or ever to see him again. He has decided he is toxic. What a roller coaster between losing my job and this. I so appreciate all the support from this forum. I am starting to worry that I cannot seem to remember not to post anything political. I really hope it’s just the stress.

Man lesson number one about toxic people they don't even notice they are causing you stress and if they did finally notice they wouldn't give a crap anyway.

She'll drag you down to the bottom with her and don't ask me how I know this.
Take several steps back and seriously rethink the plans for pet care, as this will still keep you in the loop of her life, you don't want that believe me.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks Ivan.

 

[brett]

Sounds to me that you are being played like a fiddle. Truth may be a stranger to her and her son.

 

[imoldernu]

There have been times in our life, (jeanie and I) when things seem to go wrong. When stuff comes at us from many directions, and there really isn't any clear way forward. I wouldn't go so far as to say depression, but there isn't a good word to describe what happens. short temper or sadness, or trying to step away (which doesn't work for us).

It took a long time, but we've been able to find a way through almost every bad thing that happens (happened). What we do, unconsciously is to lay out the problems ... each in our own way. A lot of what happened was a long time ago, when we came face to face with giving up my plans for a new business, my illness, her stroke, and later on facing a year of her depression... (the hardest time).

Now, though it's not often necessary, we sit... her in her recliner, me on the sofa... and just ramble. Early on, it was money, deciding where to live, the things we just HATE about each other and who knows... whatever was ruining our lives. Sometimes, talking to exhaustion, but every single time, it worked.

When the problem was money, we went to the table, with pencil and paper and looked at the best scenario and the worst. No secrets... no false front... just what and how... and whatever needed to be done.

Move from Florida? Never! What? It took about a week of soul searching to figure that one out.

Life or death? Yeah... we did that one too. Doctors, medicines, and symptoms?... Name it, we had it... Doctor's visit two weeks ago... healthier than ever. Fewer pills, aches and pains gone... Alzheimer's? the doctor said "so what?" .

I could go on, but I think it has been a matter of sharing, openly, and figuring things out together. I mentioned in another thread, a two minute morning hug. We started that about a year ago... It has made a difference.

We're all different, but that's the way we're aging. It started with the sit downs. Whether it will be another day, or ten more years, it's where we are today.

Wish you the best!

 

[HI Bill]

Wow, that's a tough one. I would have to sit down and create a +/- list. For me, the impact on the 17-year old if you don't help would be the largest factor. Is there a potential for a Plan B? "Stage IV. This stage means that the cancer has spread to other organs or parts of the body. It may also be called advanced or metastatic cancer." The chance of recovery doesn't sound at all promising. It sounds like the poor woman might be unable to care for herself, much less her pets, and has limited time left. The likely downward slide would be tough to witness, and tough to support. I've grown protective of myself and my wife, trying to avoid negative and needy people, focusing on positive, proactive people. The Ex, being nice for the past few years falls under the 'too little, too late' category for me. That said, it would be a really tough decision (with the kids), that only you and your husband can make. My only suggestion, is to protect yourselves. Even if you help, and things turn out optimally, the situation is likely to put strain on your marriage and your lives. Good luck.

 

[Teacher Terry]

IM, thanks for sharing. Yes I am depressed because in addition we lost our old big dog a month ago and now our 15yo Maltese is also dying. I appreciate the tips and may put some to use.

Bill, the 17 yo is 28 but has been working to get his pilot slot for 11 years and finally has it. He was almost too old. He is halfway through the training so he can’t leave for any reason. None of us want this jeopardized. Her cancer was in her breast and she was in remission for 15 years. It’s now in her liver. My husband said he will take care of her animals if she goes for treatment so I am going to step out of the picture. My husband is better at not being sucked into drama. I think it’s just the accumulation of everything. We have taken care of parents and friends with cancer and are too old at this point. At 64 who knows how much time we have left.

 

[Souschef]

Dear TT,
I can understand you feeling of depression. DW' s Maltese died a month after she lost her husband.
My main concern is your worry about your mortality, unless you have had some serious illness previously

I cared for my wife until she died from cancer and I was 67. I agree nobody can predict how much longer we have.
BUT, at your age you should not be burdened by an ex and a toxic child.
We will pray for you and your husband.
Here is one of my favorite quotes:
[FONT=&quot]There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living[/FONT]

 

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks Sous. Yes I have 3 serious chronic illnesses. I really appreciate the support.

 

[ivinsfan]

Thanks Sous. Yes I have 3 serious chronic illnesses. I really appreciate the support.

TT, self care is so important with chronic illness. Physical care, but mental self care is just as important. It seems like the thing tugging on your heartstrings is wanting to make things easier for your DH and DS. As a person with some mental illness in her birth family, it's so difficult because the ripples of it spread far and wide, sometimes they wreck so many family relationships.

 

[Bestwifeever]

So they are in Arizona and yes she has changed all her wills into living trust. They met other people that travel there alone for treatment. ....

I’m hoping your sake this means there will be no guilt tripping toward your DH to accompany her to any future treatment. Hang in there, and in my experience I am less stressed by letting my DH call the shots when the issues involve his family (or his ex, in your case), and then I can just support his decision.

 

[Teacher Terry]

He has a meeting Sunday with the owner of a construction company that needs a part time engineer and he has been trying so hard to return to work. He is not planning on going again. If needed she could probably hire a CNA to be there for her as her pension is huge and she lives in a modest house with paid off car.

 

[rayinpenn]

I have not spoken to her in 22 years, and I cannot wait for her to die, so my sons can inherit the $2 million house she lives in that she got in the divorce.

Better hope she hasn’t used the home as collateral on loans. It happened to my brother divorced friend... he got dust.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My husband said she has a choice of options. She chose to have cyber knife radiation for her tumor that is small. She has to go there for 12 days and my husband will care for her pets. I hope it works.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Update: I would say about 95% of you predicted this would not be the of the requests. Despite my career in human services I thought you all were wrong. Well I am a dumb dumb. She texted me asking to come over at 3 but we had plans. So we set a time tomorrow. She wants me to join a board she’s on since similar field and I said no. Confides in me her pet scan shows front temporal dementia. Not to be shared with anyone. It takes me 2 hours to figure out this is manipulation. Go out to dinner with husband and tell him. He said tell her we cannot help tomorrow and I will back you up. I said you tell her and he said I cannot. Maybe if she needs me to fly out for treatment and I say hell no she can go alone. He will probably be starting a engineering part time job that he wants badly in May. We helped a couple we loved with cancer and dementia and lost a couple years of our lives. I am not doing it again.

 

[ivinsfan]

TT, you are so close to this you can't see the forest for the trees and in my cynical mind that's the way your spouse's EX wants it.

You are supposed to meet her today, just don't go. Don't call and tell her you aren't going, just cut her off. Don't take her calls, answer her texts or anything just don't. Sorry to bring this up but your DH is part of the problem too.
I thought he was supposed to be VERY clear, his help was limited to her initial intake visit. Why would he think she would even expect him to fly out with her for a treatment?

It's easier said then but remove yourself from this woman's life and repeat as necessary, she's been such a difficult person that as she nears the end, her EX's wife is her only support system, that's on her.

 

[gwraigty]

No, you are not dumb. You were hopeful. Big difference. Yes, she's manipulating you, big time, laying more problems on you with each visit. She wants you to join a board she's on...why? IMO, because it'll force more regular contact between you. If she has dementia, shouldn't the son that's still on speaking terms with her know about this? I know you've been wanting to spare him, for his sake, but he's going to have to deal with his mother's illnesses. Maybe not directly, because he can't give up his job, but through hiring caregivers, etc. Her generous pension and SS can pay for it.

 

[Teacher Terry]

We are going to suggest today that she make the youngest her medical and financial poa while she is still competent. I didn’t even realize a pet scan could show this. Although, she said it’s not definitive without neuro-psychological testing and she would know being a psychiatric nurse.

 

[ivinsfan]

TT, it's not your monkey not your circus, just quit interacting with her about anything. The more you talk to her or make suggestions the more she will try and suck you in.

 

[gwraigty]

He said tell her we cannot help tomorrow and I will back you up. I said you tell her and he said I cannot.

You are supposed to meet her today, just don't go. Don't call and tell her you aren't going, just cut her off. Don't take her calls, answer her texts or anything just don't. Sorry to bring this up but your DH is part of the problem too.

We are going to suggest today that she make the youngest her medical and financial poa while she is still competent.

I agree with ivinsfan. But it appears as though you're meeting with her today anyway. Suggest away, but I'm sure she'll continue to try and keep you entangled in this. Good luck to you.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I think in the future I will decline but she is coming to our house and I don’t feel right about canceling once I agreed. We are going to encourage her to tell the youngest also. It will be time limited because her dog has a vet appointment.

 

[Bestwifeever]

She is reeling you in. Save yourselves first—her son really needs to be involved. Remain skeptical. Good luck!!

 

[Chuckanut]

Based upon what I have read here, She’s a Crazy Maker.

 

[brett]

Drop this soap opera before it overwhelms you. You are the author of your problem. You can solve it very quickly if you so wish.

Run away from this. Each time a request is made of you, each time you provide advice, or when advice is sought you are sinking further into the pit. Don't be an enabler.

It is time to pull up stakes and focus on your own life, wants, and desires.