Weddings for children - how much?

[Teacher Terry]

I know I am an outlier, my sons were both married 20 years ago. We paid for modest rehearsal dinners and the tux rentals and did $1000 gift as a gift. We have definitely helped along the way (modestly) since then.

I did the exact same thing when my oldest son got married 15 years ago. The other two aren’t married. I think big weddings are a huge waste of money.

 

[Koolau]

Yeah, we told our daughter we'd give her $10K (ca 2008) and she could do with it what she wanted (down payment on house or wedding or trip to Bali.) That probably sounds cheap, but the wedding turned out pretty nice (with his parents help.) Since then we've helped all the kids with down payments on homes, so I feel no "guilt" about being "cheap."

DW and I spent way less than $1000 on our wedding AND honeymoon travel. Yeah, it was in the early 70's, but that was only a month's pay. YMMV

 

[W2R]

Yeah, we told our daughter we'd give her $10K (ca 2008) and she could do with it what she wanted (down payment on house or wedding or trip to Bali.) That probably sounds cheap, but the wedding turned out pretty nice (with his parents help.)

I don't think it sounds cheap. Like you, I gave my daughter $10K for her wedding in 2009 and told her she could spend it on a car or wedding or whatever. Her father and I were divorced and living thousands of miles apart, so I do not know what (if anything) he contributed. But I did know that $10K was all that I could manage on my own.

She decided that her wedding out in Oregon simply had to be two weeks before my retirement day (rolling my eyes). Talk about stress! And yes, that was the last time I ever flew in an airplane (same for Frank).

 

[REWahoo]

In 1996 we gave our oldest daughter $15k ($30k in today's dollars) for her wedding. She didn't spend it all and used the remaining to help with a down payment on a house. Five years later DD#2 insisted on a more expensive wedding than her sister and we spent around $20k ($35.5k in today's dollars). I felt guilty about the differential and gave DD#1 a check for the difference.

 

[Keim]

My daughter is getting married next month. Looks like we are in for about 8k. 50 ppl attending.

 

[Yipper]

Thanks to everyone for the feedback and insights into other examples. It helps to get some additional perspective as we're "early" in the cycle and have only a couple of examples to compare our situation with.

 

[JohnML]

We spent about $27k each for our 2 daughters who were married about 1 year apart. This was in 2018 and 2019 so factor in inflation. We live in a LCOL area and they had "middle of the road" weddings. By that I mean dinner, venue rental, DJ, open bar, flowers, dress, photographer and 150-175 guests. The catering was by far the largest expense and we got a "discount" on that because the caterer was my wife's brother-in-law.

I've been a guest at much more elaborate weddings for our friend's kids as well as smaller simpler ones. I did not detect a correlation between the cost and the fun factor.

When my wife and I were married about 40 years ago we had a middle of the road wedding that was less elaborate than even the simple weddings of today. But I can tell you it was memorable and fun.

 

[pjigar]

What ever you budget is,
a. I would communicate to each daughter about it, and
b. I would inflation adjust the first daughter amount when the time comes for the second and third.

Having said that, out DD's Indian wedding would be in excess of 100K today and she is no where close to wedding age. We are in for a big bill eventually!

 

[RetMD21]

My wife and I each gave each daughter $17,000 for a wedding, honeymoon, or whatever. They are quite independent minded and financially stable. I wanted to stay under the gift tax limit. IMO you can have a nice wedding for much less than $34,000 but it's up to them.

 

[lauradrops]

My sons got married in 2022(NY) and 2023(NC). We gave them each about 20K. NY son spent about 100K (bride's family put in 40K) NC son paid 60K (bride's family put in 25K)

They both chose over the top weddings for just over 100 people each. Crazy in my view but they kicked in for the extravagance.

 

[ncbill]

Not much more than $5k as parents...of the groom.

Mostly for the rehearsal dinner...in-laws covered the reception.

 

[DuluthGA]

I;ve married off 3 daughters over the past 15 or so years. After the first one I asked my wife if I wanted to know how much we spent, she said no. I asked could we afford it and she said yes. After that I never asked again. All 3 had the weddings they wanted and I have no clue. I expect we spent less than $50k combined. They’re happy and I’m happy. Some battles you don’t want to win.

 

[Jerry1]

Best Wedding Ever

This thread reminds me of the best wedding I ever attended. It was a cousin of DW. It was at a church and the ceremony was very simple. As in, someone played an intro song and the wedding song from a CD on a boom box. The pastor said the typical marriage vows and a few prayers and they were married. Twenty minutes tops.

Then, everyone was invited to the church dinning room where a number of women of the southern persuasion had prepared fried chicken, biscuits, gravy assorted sides and desserts. Done eating in an hour tops.

Everyone wished the couple well and the festivities were complete.

Best wedding ever.

 

[Dash man]

We have two sons. The first got married in Las Vegas. The second married a girl whose family couldn't afford to help. We told them we'd pay up to $20k and DW chipped in with her craft skills that frankly amazed me.
The $20k wedding was very nice and everyone had a lot of fun. We got a lot of discounts because the wedding was between Christmas and New Year'd Day. They had twins and are now getting divorced.
The LV marriage is going strong with one grandson to spoil. We gave them $20k as a gift to match the wedding cost. They're doing quite well.

 

[Sunset]

For more info:
Our daughters both working and their long term boyfriends working decided to get married.
They didn't ask for a penny and paid for their own weddings.
We gave them cash as a surprise gift.
Both are doing fine for the past 9 years..

I suppose they followed my example, I paid for both my weddings. Really glad I didn't spend much on the first one as there are no refunds

 

[Out of Steam]

I just mentioned the numbers here for parental contributions to children's weddings to my wife.

Her answer was, "Remind me again how much our parents contributed to our wedding?"

 

[Texas Proud]

I am just going to say that I hope my DD never reads this thread... there is no way I would spend $50K on a wedding...

The problem that I have is that she has a good number of friends whose parents do not budget on their DDs... they spend WAY too much on them showering them with luxury and I bet most will spend more than that on a wedding... I told DD that is not going to happen with me... I am willing to spend maybe $20K... which might go to $25K....

It IS a one day thing... and there are studies that show the more spent on a wedding the shorter timeframe it lasts... BTW, DS married his bride by going to the courthouse and telling us a couple of weeks after doing so... they are very happy....

 

[aja8888]

I am just going to say that I hope my DD never reads this thread... there is no way I would spend $50K on a wedding...

The problem that I have is that she has a good number of friends whose parents do not budget on their DDs... they spend WAY too much on them showering them with luxury and I bet most will spend more than that on a wedding... I told DD that is not going to happen with me... I am willing to spend maybe $20K... which might go to $25K....

It IS a one day thing... and there are studies that show the more spent on a wedding the shorter timeframe it lasts... BTW, DS married his bride by going to the courthouse and telling us a couple of weeks after doing so... they are very happy....

I see high school girls here getting new BMWs and Audies when they turn 16......no wonder they expect big weddings.

 

[athena53]

BTW, DS married his bride by going to the courthouse and telling us a couple of weeks after doing so... they are very happy....

My nephew and his lady friend invited my brother and SIL to visit- and it was a surprise wedding in a local park! They already had one-year old. Both had very good jobs so money wasn't an issue.

I live in a LCOL area and $50K sounds very generous to me. Both my weddings were under 50 people and I was just fine with that. Mom and Dad paid for lunch at a well-regarded local restaurant after the first one and second DH and I funded the second ourselves. I have only DS; DH and I paid for the rehearsal dinner, which was 50 guests because DDIL had a very large extended family and we wanted to include them all. It was a darned good, family-friendly party. They had a modest reception and I'm not sure how the cost was split between DDIL's family and DS and DDIL. We didn't gift them anything, which makes me feel bad now, except that as I've relaxed the purse strings in retirement I've been gifting them $15K or so per year and have added over $200K to the kids' 529 accounts.

I agree with those who say too many couples go over the top. Another nephew married someone who HAD to have the wedding at the No. 1 wedding venue in Charleston, SC according to Martha Stewart (both families lived in Charlotte and they could have had the Old Georgetowne Country Club at no cost for the venue). She wore one dress for the ceremony and changed into another for dancing at the reception. Her dad went into debt for it, my nephew had to dip into his savings and she had very little to contribute since she had no job. It was lovely and I'm happy to say they're still married, but it was a ridiculous extravagance under the circumstances.

 

[euro]

My advice is to write them a check for 50K. Tell them if they have anything left over from the wedding, they can keep it and use it for whatever they want. If they spend more, that’s on them.

Sound advice! To me, $50k is an extremely large amount to spend on a wedding. My DD got married 5 years ago and they decided to go for a 20 person affair at son in law's parents house. Covered the catering themselves.
We gave them a substantial downpayment for their first house instead. Worked out for everyone, it seems.

 

[Koolau]

I don't think it sounds cheap. Like you, I gave my daughter $10K for her wedding in 2009 and told her she could spend it on a car or wedding or whatever. Her father and I were divorced and living thousands of miles apart, so I do not know what (if anything) he contributed. But I did know that $10K was all that I could manage on my own.

She decided that her wedding out in Oregon simply had to be two weeks before my retirement day (rolling my eyes). Talk about stress! And yes, that was the last time I ever flew in an airplane (same for Frank).

Daughter decided her wedding had to be in early November! So, the only time DW and I experienced "winter" since our big move to the Islands was for the wedding. No other reason would have had us braving November weather. That was almost worse than the $10K!

 

[W2R]

Daughter decided her wedding had to be in early November! So, the only time DW and I experienced "winter" since our big move to the Islands was for the wedding. No other reason would have had us braving November weather. That was almost worse than the $10K!

Believe me, I understand!

 

[ElizabethT]

This will likely not move your needle, as you appear to be very, very generous in this area, but, after paying $60,000 for each daughter's college education (California UC schools), we wrote each daughter a check for $5000 when they announced their respective engagements. The reason is we (I) place way more value on education than a celebration. Plus marriages can be fleeting while educations are forever.

But that's just me/us. You need to do you.

ETA:
Wedding for DD#1 was immediate family only on a point overlooking Emerald Bay, Lake Tahoe. It was exquisite. Enough left over from our $5000 check, after a post-wedding lunch at a large lakeview table at a restaurant, to pay for a honeymoon Caribbean cruise for the new couple.

Wedding for DD#2 was onboard a ship before it left dock. The $5000 gift check covered wedding ceremony and post-wedding lunch, plus the ensuing honeymoon cruise for the new couple.

So both DDs elected to work within the perimeters of our $5000 gift checks. I find that interesting - the Parkinson Law at work, substituting money for time.

 

[perez99]

I think $50K is generous. In fact that is what it cost me for my daughter last month. It was a 67 people.

 

[pb4uski]

DD got married about 5 years ago. They were both in their 30s and working at good jobs. We told her that we would pay the first $x and then share the next $y 50/50 and that after that they were on their own. They did an amazing job planning their wedding. It was very homey and family oriented. They have various games set up on the surrounding grounds that people could enjoy and their own paylist of music over the facility's sound system.

We had the wedding and the reception at the pavilion of our lake association which covered the "hall", tables, chairs, etc. That rental was only a few hundred whereas to have it at a wedding facility is thousands so the were able to save there. They had it catered.

In the end, I just wrote them a check for the maximum that we had agreed to pay which I suspect may have been less that the total cost. I also ended up writing a check for the photographer because DD didn't have her checkbook handy at the time. She was going to reimburse me but I didn't bother asking her for the reimbursement.

It was a lot of work but we all had a great and memorable day.