Adult Children Still Living at Home?

[ERD50]

Well you can call your DD a freeloader, but then you have to call you and your spouse enablers.

How did this happen?..there has to be part of the story you are not telling us...

Nailed it.

You are making it easy for her, and then wonder why she stays? Think about that, for one second, that's all it should take.

The max we had an adult child in the home was about one year. It was fine, a transitional thing. We all figured it made sense to give her new job about a year to make sure she wanted to stay at that job, before moving. She ended up staying, and got an apartment closer to her job at about the one year mark. All is good.

-ERD50

 

[TrophyWife]

You aren't helping her.

Our son graduated college 1 year early so we gave him until his 4 year grad date and then we started charging rent. $600 a month Look up rooms on Craig's list and see what rooms are going for in your area. He's now 23. He just moved to the smaller room at our house for a reduced rent of $500. We made an agreement that he can stay until 25 and then the rent will go up to market rate for a studio which is $1200 minimum in our area. So if he choose to stay, we will have some nice weekends away with the cash. He is very responsible, saving for a house, contributing to chores and keeping his stuff clean. He does eat a lot. LOL. If he wasn't respectful, then things would be very different.

We've always told our kids we would be a safety net so they could take more risks when they are young. But she sounds like she needs a little nudge out of the nest.

Did she go local to college? Or did she live at school?
Is there a grandma she can live with and help take care of?
Most govt programs require that you pay 1/3 of your salary towards rent...hmmm

 

[mountainsoft]

Any chance of getting your almost 28 year old daughter married off? That might get her out of the house.

Unfortunately, no. She hasn't even dated anyone in years.

 

[ponyboy]

Ah the Z generation...and I thought my millennial generation were bad.

I agree with others...start charging rent. BUT...take that rent and stick in a savings account and dont spend it. Once they move out give it all back to them...explain how you were teaching them a lesson in life...to be independent, blah blah blah.

 

[mountainsoft]

the common denominator between this and the caring for an elderly parent thread you started is your spouse

Ya think? Haven't you heard, I'm a control freak. What I say goes. I'm the man of the house ya know.

 

[ivinsfan]

The OP wants an empty nest....not more money.IMO he has a better chance of getting her to move out then he does of collecting rent after 28 years of paying her living expenses

 

[mountainsoft]

Look up rooms on Craig's list and see what rooms are going for in your area.

Good idea. Part of the problem is knowing how much to charge her. I want to make a point, but also not put so much of a strain that she can't move out.

She went to college locally and lived at home. She's never been away from home more than a few days.

She is very respectful, doesn't party, or spend money needlessly. I'm proud of her, I just want her to do something with her life.

 

[TrophyWife]

Good idea. Part of the problem is knowing how much to charge her. I want to make a point, but also not put so much of a strain that she can't move out.

She went to college locally and lived at home. She's never been away from home more than a few days.

She is very respectful, doesn't party, or spend money needlessly. I'm proud of her, I just want her to do something with her life.

Is there a family friend or someone she knows where she could rent a room? I would ask her what her plans are. She may have an age in her head where it would be weird to still be living with your parents. Maybe she needs to get on govt assistance? She could even have mild depression.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My 3 sons boomeranged back and forth a few times each when in need. My youngest came back after grad school and i could see that he was getting too comfortable living with us. I gave him a 2 month hard deadline to be out. My DH stayed out of it because he is not his Dad. It was really hard and I felt terrible but I was more afraid that he would still be there 5 years later.

 

[aja8888]

Bamaman bought his daughter a house. That's a solution but doesn't always work. We have a friend who did the same but the bills got ahead of the daughter and she's back home and the house is a rental now (maybe not a bad thing though).

We figured it out as we had a few cycling through over the years. We downsized to a two bedroom house and made the second one an office. No room for boarders!

 

[pb4uski]

Do you still have an adult child living at home? Our daughter will be 28 next month and still lives at home. By now, I was kind of hoping for an empty nest, running around the house naked with my wife. But our daughter hasn't show any interest in moving out.

She works two minimum wage part time jobs. I doubt she could support herself on what she earns now. But again, she hasn't shown any motivation to look for better work. When we bring it up, we get the stink eye and "stop bothering me" responses.

I love her dearly, but she eats our food, uses our electricity and internet, and doesn't pay us a dime. She's got more money in her own checking than we do! Is it wrong to call your child a freeloader?

How do you lovingly boot your child out of the nest?

We required that DS pay us $400/month while he lived at home... the $400 was a little less than the cost of sharing an apartment or renting a room in our area.

We told him that he could have all the money back when he moved out. Every so often I would remind him how much there was in the "DS Freedom Account" and it would be his if he moved out. He was working about 50 min away at the time so by moving he could both get the cash and reduce his commute and get out from under DW... so he had incentives to leave the nest.

If you did something similar with your DD, after there is $4-5 grand or more sitting in her freedom account, I would think it would be a good incentive for her to find an apartment to share.

As it turned out, DS found an apartment share for less than the $400/month that he was paying us only 15 minutes from work... its a bit of a dump... but it is his choice and he isn't underfoot so it seems to be working good.

 

[Hermit]

Bamaman bought his daughter a house. That's a solution but doesn't always work. We have a friend who did the same but the bills got ahead of the daughter and she's back home and the house is a rental now (maybe not a bad thing though).

We figured it out as we had a few cycling through over the years. We downsized to a two bedroom house and made the second one an office. No room for boarders!

I live so far out in the boon-docks that I don't think I will need to worry! DS is still going to college on my nickel at 26 though. Sort of. He now has credit union loans for his living and tuition. Unfortunately, I am backing the loans.

 

[mountainsoft]

Is there a family friend or someone she knows where she could rent a room? I would ask her what her plans are.

She had hinted about getting an apartment with two different friends of hers. Of course, before she acted on it they each got married and started families of their own.

We've tried asking about her plans. We get the blank stare and "I don't know", and has no real plans for the future. She seems quite happy and confident otherwise.

 

[Texas Proud]

While it is great to help out a child when they are improving themselves with a better education, or in times of rare trouble, the child freeloading while working minimum jobs is hurting their future.

They don't internalize motivation, drive, responsibility, etc. and this will hurt them later when the free lunches are gone.

My BIL used to work, has an education, but then moved into parents home during a job loss, no need to pay rent.... so 20 YEARS later, he still is there, and basically never worked during that time. Still does not pay rent, or even for groceries.

LOL... I used to have a friend who was similar... he did not have an education, but did various jobs, had a wife and kids... got a divorce, got laid off (many times)... move back in with parents, but he did work low paid jobs off and on.... his brother also moved back home... they were there until both parents died.... I think both are still living there.... decide to look and the property is still in their dads name in an estate... he died 10 to 15 years ago....

 

[Bir48die]

We required that DS pay us $400/month while he lived at home... the $400 was a little less than the cost of sharing an apartment or renting a room in our area.

We told him that he could have all the money back when he moved out. Every so often I would remind him how much there was in the "DS Freedom Account" and it would be his if he moved out. He was working about 50 min away at the time so by moving he could both get the cash and reduce his commute and get out from under DW... so he had incentives to leave the nest.

If you did something similar with your DD, after there is $4-5 grand or more sitting in her freedom account, I would think it would be a good incentive for her to find an apartment to share.

As it turned out, DS found an apartment share for less than the $400/month that he was paying us only 15 minutes from work... its a bit of a dump... but it is his choice and he isn't underfoot so it seems to be working good.

I think this is a great idea. Give her 12 months. First six at $400/mth and second six at $500/mth. That is the drop dead date. Then she has first/last and deposit money plus food stocking $.

I have had two sons in and out a couple of times in their 20's. I will say the male species needs a bit more time in general to get their sh*t together.

I do see an issue with your DW because it doesn't seem that you two are on the same page and that would be the #1 priority.

 

[pb4uski]

Yeah, that's one of my concerns right now. We're making plans to retire in six years, and part of making that happen is not having to support a third person in the household. She's not only stunting her own future, she's affecting ours.

My youngest sister had a unique solution to the problem that you have with her 3 kids (ages 23, 25 and 27 and all still at home). They sold their business, retired and then sold the nest... so the kids had to move out. The three kids moved in together in an apartment... I suspect my DS might be paying part of the rent for the one who is still in school.

What is it with this generation? When I was their age the absolute last thing that I would have done is moved back home.... just pull out my fingernails instead... please!

 

[ivinsfan]

LOL... I used to have a friend who was similar... he did not have an education, but did various jobs, had a wife and kids... got a divorce, got laid off (many times)... move back in with parents, but he did work low paid jobs off and on.... his brother also moved back home... they were there until both parents died.... I think both are still living there.... decide to look and the property is still in their dads name in an estate... he died 10 to 15 years ago....

The difference here is the OP says his DD is 28 and has never been away from their home for more then a few nights at a time. Is anyone else seeing simply a basic failure to launch? The DD hasn't tried and failed, she simply hasn't tried.

 

[2017ish]

...

What is it with this generation? When I was their age the absolute last thing that I would have done is moved back home.... just pull out my fingernails instead... please!

It isn't the entire generation. Nonetheless, it appears that OP's situation is more common now, with an amazing 1/3 of college grads planning to live at home for some time after graduating: More college grads move back home with mom and dad

I wonder if it helped that we dropped ours off at the airport for their respective freshmen years .... They did come home at Christmas and for a week or two during college summers, but that was it. Now they and their wives are establishing a practice of flying in to join us at Thanksgiving, but that's not unwelcome ...

 

[Mdlerth]

I agree with others...start charging rent. BUT...take that rent and stick in a savings account and dont spend it. Once they move out give it all back to them...explain how you were teaching them a lesson in life...to be independent, blah blah blah.

+1

A generation ago, my parents had all five of their kids out of the house. Two years of empty nesting fit them like a glove. Until...

...In the space of two months, three of the five moved back in.

Each had a different story: older brother fled a collapsed marriage, penniless and looking for a fresh start; younger brother's landlord came home one day with a new wife, so the roommate/tenant had to leave on short notice; youngest sister graduated college with a degree in education and a teaching job that wouldn't start for four months.

Mom and Dad charged them a modest rent and banked it for them. It was a wise and generous decision. Younger brother only stayed a couple of months, but the others stayed two years. By the time they moved out, each had enough for the down payment on a house. All's well that ends well.

BTW, shortly after shedding the boomerangs, M&D retired, sold the house and moved to a different state. At w*rk we call that "Action to prevent recurrence."

 

[Sojourner]

The difference here is the OP says his DD is 28 and has never been away from their home for more then a few nights at a time. Is anyone else seeing simply a basic failure to launch? The DD hasn't tried and failed, she simply hasn't tried.

+1

Definitely a failure to launch, possibly due to some sort of depression (reading between the lines of the OP's responses). Sounds to me like the DD is completely unmotivated and feeling adrift and a bit hopeless about her life right now. Not sure what to suggest other than some tough love and maybe look into some counseling for her, both professional and personal.

 

[Walt34]

No kids here so we'll never have the issue. But I did boomerang once at age 34 for 18 months after a divorce. Mom didn't charge me rent (house was paid off) and I volunteered to pay all the utilities. I had a plan to buy a house and be out within 18 months, and described that to her so she was fine with it. At the time I worked rotating shift work so much of the time when she was home I was either at work or asleep.

Additionally the house needed a lot of deferred maintenance done so I repainted the entire interior (hadn't been done for 20+ years), took about four pickup truck loads of stuff/junk to the dump, did all the little stuff she needed done like faucet washers, etc. got the lawn into better shape than I'd ever seen it. Oh, and fixed a broken water pipe at 7:30 AM Christmas day. Mom was on a waiting list for a CCRC and when the house went on the market a few years later it sold in three days.

Within the 18 month window I had settled on my new-to-me house and moved in.

So it can work.

 

[aja8888]

No kids here so we'll never have the issue. But I did boomerang once at age 34 for 18 months after a divorce. Mom didn't charge me rent (house was paid off) and I volunteered to pay all the utilities. I had a plan to buy a house and be out within 18 months, and described that to her so she was fine with it. At the time I worked rotating shift work so much of the time when she was home I was either at work or asleep.

Additionally the house needed a lot of deferred maintenance done so I repainted the entire interior (hadn't been done for 20+ years), took about four pickup truck loads of stuff/junk to the dump, did all the little stuff she needed done like faucet washers, etc. got the lawn into better shape than I'd ever seen it. Oh, and fixed a broken water pipe at 7:30 AM Christmas day. Mom was on a waiting list for a CCRC and when the house went on the market a few years later it sold in three days.

Within the 18 month window I had settled on my new-to-me house and moved in.

So it can work.

Hey Walt, kids these days don't operate like you did. If they did, I would love to have one like that for a year.

 

[youbet]

I get that jobs are hard to find. .

Not really. I know it depends on your area to some extent, but generally, there is a labor shortage, not an unemployment problem.

What is your daughter doing for health insurance? Does she go out with friends or mostly hang around the house? Have you thought about moving (while she's at work?)

These are tough situations and you're really one of the best examples of the "squeeze generation" I've seen.

 

[braumeister]

We've had multiple discussions with her, lots of emotions, but the next day it's like we never said anything. In one ear and out the other.

My wife and I keep saying we're going to start charging rent, but we're partly to blame as we haven't done that either.

Sounds to me like your discussions are like typical corporate meetings -- nothing gets resolved because no hard deadlines are set (and enforced).

Don't plan another discussion; just sit everyone down and lay out your requirements.

• You will find a place to live by X date.
• You will pay $X rent per week until that happens.
• Your first week's rent payment is due Friday.

We have put up with this for too long, it's not helping you, and we are not going to do so any more.

Back in the day, the standard lines were
"We're doing this for your own good."
"It hurts us more than it hurts you."
"Someday you'll thank us."

 

[ProspectiveBum]

DW and I each have a sister who never launched, and are well into their 40s. We've had numerous conversations with our school age children about "not ending up like Auntie". If they need to move home after college, they'll be paying rent, and helping around the house. We'll slowly ratchet up the asks until they're begging to leave. At least, that's the plan.