Anyone have moocher-repellent?
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Purron
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Lots of great advice here. We don't have moocher relatives, but do have some moocher "friends". Here's the past history:
- visted us often over the years – usually 3 times a year or so. We always bought all the food, beer and wine. They'd bring an occasional token gift like a t-shirt or bottle of wine, but they never offered to buy supplies or treat for dinner out.
- developed an expectation that we make sure to stock the things they liked but they knew we didn't usually have on hand like dinner rolls, real butter, etc.
- "borrowed" many things. Prime example: two suitcases because they ran out of room with all the stuff they bought during the trip. Joked about how we could get replacements cheap at a thrift store. I mentioned I wouldn't want used luggage because who knew if dirty laundry or drugs had been packed in them - they laughed and still didn't offer to return or pay for them.
Incidents that (finally) made us realize we were being taken advantage of:
- asked us to pick up an elderly family member at a train station, put him up overnight, then drive him to the airport for a 3am flight to their home city. We did this. Felt sorry for this gentle, 86 year old man.
- asked us if they could store an extra car at our place so when they came into town, they wouldn't have to rent a car. We said NO.
- asked us if we could take care of bill payments on some rental properties for them. According to them, since the properties were in an IRA type account, a third party had to do it. They wanted to avoid a $5 per check charge from the property management service. We said NO.
The final straw:
Shortly before my husband retired after nearly 34 years on the job, they visited us. They did nothing to recognize this big event in his life, even though they've known him for over 30 years. Not a card, handshake, hug, nothing. As usual, we bought all the food and supplies for this visit. Later, they sent us some e-mails with links to articles about how people like my husband don't deserve pensions because it will bankrupt our country and take money from future generations. You know, the typical pension hating kinda stuff.
Our new policy:
If they ask to visit, we may or may not be available.
If we are available, they can chip in for food and buy any special stuff they want.
No more free handouts.
Bummer about this situation is we thought they had been our best friends for many years. We practically had to be hit in the heads with 2 x 4s to realize how they were taking advantage of our generosity. It really hurt us to realize this. Especially my husband who is such a sweet guy - you know - the kind of guy to helps strangers in snowstorms. Glad I'm married to him and not our "friend".
Lessons learned:
Moochers don't appreciate anything you do for them, so who bother?
We were partly to blame for allowing the relationship to develop to this point over the years - long ago we should have asked them to chip in for stuff or just say NO.
- visted us often over the years – usually 3 times a year or so. We always bought all the food, beer and wine. They'd bring an occasional token gift like a t-shirt or bottle of wine, but they never offered to buy supplies or treat for dinner out.
- developed an expectation that we make sure to stock the things they liked but they knew we didn't usually have on hand like dinner rolls, real butter, etc.
- "borrowed" many things. Prime example: two suitcases because they ran out of room with all the stuff they bought during the trip. Joked about how we could get replacements cheap at a thrift store. I mentioned I wouldn't want used luggage because who knew if dirty laundry or drugs had been packed in them - they laughed and still didn't offer to return or pay for them.
Incidents that (finally) made us realize we were being taken advantage of:
- asked us to pick up an elderly family member at a train station, put him up overnight, then drive him to the airport for a 3am flight to their home city. We did this. Felt sorry for this gentle, 86 year old man.
- asked us if they could store an extra car at our place so when they came into town, they wouldn't have to rent a car. We said NO.
- asked us if we could take care of bill payments on some rental properties for them. According to them, since the properties were in an IRA type account, a third party had to do it. They wanted to avoid a $5 per check charge from the property management service. We said NO.
The final straw:
Shortly before my husband retired after nearly 34 years on the job, they visited us. They did nothing to recognize this big event in his life, even though they've known him for over 30 years. Not a card, handshake, hug, nothing. As usual, we bought all the food and supplies for this visit. Later, they sent us some e-mails with links to articles about how people like my husband don't deserve pensions because it will bankrupt our country and take money from future generations. You know, the typical pension hating kinda stuff.
Our new policy:
If they ask to visit, we may or may not be available.
If we are available, they can chip in for food and buy any special stuff they want.
No more free handouts.
Bummer about this situation is we thought they had been our best friends for many years. We practically had to be hit in the heads with 2 x 4s to realize how they were taking advantage of our generosity. It really hurt us to realize this. Especially my husband who is such a sweet guy - you know - the kind of guy to helps strangers in snowstorms. Glad I'm married to him and not our "friend".
Lessons learned:
Moochers don't appreciate anything you do for them, so who bother?
We were partly to blame for allowing the relationship to develop to this point over the years - long ago we should have asked them to chip in for stuff or just say NO.
The only situation I've had to deal with is DW's brother. Fortunately, he lives far away, but he used to regularly ask for money to pay his overdue property tax bill before the sheriff forced him out on the street. After a while, we tried the "fully invested" routine (which was in fact true), but he wasn't fazed. He had no concept of ever paying any bill on time, so waiting a few weeks for the money wasn't a problem.
Another problem was that he always asked for twice as much as he needed, planning to pay the minimum on the bill and use the rest as spending money.
He did pay the loans back from time to time, whenever he made significant sales in his one-man business, but eventually the repayments stopped happening.
DW still felt kind of sorry for him, so she started responding to his requests by getting him to send us a copy of the delinquent tax notice or overdue utility bill, or whatever. Then she would pay the bill directly, bypassing the dear boy, although she still made him sign a (worthless) note to acknowledge the loan. That practice kind of turned him against us, since he thought getting those loans was his right. He kept asking for more on a semi-regular basis.
Eventually, even DW's patience wore out. She told him he would have to give us some degree of control over his finances, including his business, so we could straighten out his financial life for him, and we haven't heard from him since. He still owes us many tens of thousands of $$, but we know we'll never see a nickel.
He lives hand to mouth, but he's a slick talker and always seems to manage somehow.
Another problem was that he always asked for twice as much as he needed, planning to pay the minimum on the bill and use the rest as spending money.
He did pay the loans back from time to time, whenever he made significant sales in his one-man business, but eventually the repayments stopped happening.
DW still felt kind of sorry for him, so she started responding to his requests by getting him to send us a copy of the delinquent tax notice or overdue utility bill, or whatever. Then she would pay the bill directly, bypassing the dear boy, although she still made him sign a (worthless) note to acknowledge the loan. That practice kind of turned him against us, since he thought getting those loans was his right. He kept asking for more on a semi-regular basis.
Eventually, even DW's patience wore out. She told him he would have to give us some degree of control over his finances, including his business, so we could straighten out his financial life for him, and we haven't heard from him since. He still owes us many tens of thousands of $$, but we know we'll never see a nickel.
He lives hand to mouth, but he's a slick talker and always seems to manage somehow.
freebird5825
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
My response would have been along the lines of "I have this TERRIBLE case of poison ivy and my doctor has me quarantined for [insert duration of visit] weeks." 
Seriously, though..uninvited visiting relatives are the worst plague on the planet. I self-orphaned myself 10 years ago, so I no longer have that problem.
Seriously, though..uninvited visiting relatives are the worst plague on the planet. I self-orphaned myself 10 years ago, so I no longer have that problem.
On a lighter note, I'm also reminded of a great line I heard from my first commanding officer, many years ago. At his retirement party, he and his wife talked about the great resort community in Florida they were moving to, and about how they would really miss us all.
"You are all just like our family, and we would hate to lose touch with you. Now that you know where we'll be living, we hope you'll all come and visit when you're in the area. Just leave a message on our phone as soon as you've checked into a motel."
"You are all just like our family, and we would hate to lose touch with you. Now that you know where we'll be living, we hope you'll all come and visit when you're in the area. Just leave a message on our phone as soon as you've checked into a motel."
Texas Proud
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Fortunately for me I do not have to worry about family moochers.....
BUT, I would not use this cover story as I would assume that they might have listed to me to have a 6 month cushion of cash in case of emergency.... and they could say that cash should be available if you tell me what you mean.... and this is an emergency....
True, not a REAL emergency, but one in their mind...
As they used to say in the old Navy aviation community, "Green light!!"
BigNick
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I would express surprise that they were prepared to pay 10% extra to cover my fees, but not 5% to borrow the money from the bank for the period that they were assuring me was all they needed to pay it back. (Insert appropriate figures for plausibility.)
Purron
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Reminds me of one my favorite quotes from the movie "The Big Chill". Toward the end of the movie when they're saying their goodbyes, Michael (the Jeff Goldblum character) says something like:
"You're all welcome to come visit me in New York. Not my apartment, but the city".
Moemg
Gone but not forgotten
One of my SO's sons was famous for stopping here to raid the refrigerator . He never has people to his house he finagles so it is always at somebody else's house . Once I was coming home from a trip and he had planned a party in our back yard . I was livid . I would usually worry about that and go get food & beer but this time I did absolutely nothing . He brought some food but there was not enough and no beer and very little soda . It was in June but we had to use Christmas napkins.I was very open about the fact that I knew nothing about it . People were embarrassed and that ended that problem forever .
haha
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We haven't had the problem because we live in West Virginia, which is like, you know, Appalachia, where all the people live in 30-year-old single-wides on the side of mountains and have to lug their water up from the creek in their rusted-out 4x4's.
We haven't let them know that we do, in fact, have indoor plumbing, 'lectricity, and broadband Internet.
The one time we were approached for money by a distant relative with a long history of doing so we just said we weren't in a position to do that.
We haven't let them know that we do, in fact, have indoor plumbing, 'lectricity, and broadband Internet.
The one time we were approached for money by a distant relative with a long history of doing so we just said we weren't in a position to do that.
FUEGO
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That's easy, I don't have more than a month or two of emergency funds at any given time.
I don't buy into the traditional 6 months of emergency funds. We have 2 incomes, only need 1. Unemployment for both of us would pay more than our living expenses. For 99 weeks or whatever it is these days. Backup plan is to sell some investments, or take a margin loan or home equity line of credit draw down.But yes, they would undoubtedly see any need of theirs as an emergency. That is when I explain it is their emergency, not mine.
And none of them have 6 months emergency funds, nor have I advised them to do such. They have a hard enough time getting 6 days of emergency funds.FUEGO
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Go to a bank if they are willing to pay me that much money. And since they don't really understand mutual fund investments, they don't know enough to call my bluff. I could easily get tens of thousands of dollars overnight and pay piddling taxes on cap gains and virtually no sales fees/commissions, but they don't need to know this! And they could be on the hook for unlimited upside. After all, many of my investments more than doubled in the last 2.5 year period. Not sure if they could pay me those returns.
carnivalday
Recycles dryer sheets
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I had a family member ask me for some money once....I can't even remember what it was for now, but it was something stupid; nothing like food or rent. When he asked if he could borrow some money, I told him..."well shoot, I was going to ask if I could borrow money from YOU!". First and last time.
A very dear friend of ours lived in England for a year and stored boxes with us until he came back. When he moved back he asked if he could come and stay with us and go through his boxes before he moved on to his next location. No problem, we always enjoyed his company.
He asked if his GF and their guinea pig could come with him, we said that was fine as we had a nice guest room and an extra bathroom. We had a one year old at the time and they enjoyed being around a little one.
The first week was fine, lots of late night talks, hanging out. The 2nd week was starting to wear on us, runs to the grocery store getting more frequent. The tipping point came when I found them brushing the guinea pig at my kitchen table while my kid sat in the high chair eating.
I don't remember how we told them we had enough but they left soon after that, no hard feelings. Our friend died suddenly a few years later so looking back I'm glad we had that block of time with him, guinea pig, GF and all.
He asked if his GF and their guinea pig could come with him, we said that was fine as we had a nice guest room and an extra bathroom. We had a one year old at the time and they enjoyed being around a little one.
The first week was fine, lots of late night talks, hanging out. The 2nd week was starting to wear on us, runs to the grocery store getting more frequent. The tipping point came when I found them brushing the guinea pig at my kitchen table while my kid sat in the high chair eating.
I don't remember how we told them we had enough but they left soon after that, no hard feelings. Our friend died suddenly a few years later so looking back I'm glad we had that block of time with him, guinea pig, GF and all.
As the saying goes: "Guest(s) are like fish - they stink after 3 days."
SteveR
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Our family visiting seems to be the major issue we have. Friends tend to appreciate the generosity and will either order in food or take us put for a meal or two. Family seems to expect us to pick up the tab because #1 we are the parent (step parent) and that is what parents do for their "kids" (grown adults). #2 We appear to be more financially secure than they are and we certainly can afford to pay the way from them. #3. They owe us money and don't want to appear to be spend-thrifts by offering to pay for anything. (We just want them to pay us back in our lifetime). #4. I guess this was my fault as I felt it appropriate for me to pick up the restaurant tab when we invited them all out for a family dinner (when we were both w*rking). Now is different as our income is actually lower than theirs. We have shared this with on daughter and they take it to heart and don't expect us to pay for them except in special circumstances.
When we go to visit our kids we have to either stay in a hotel or squeeze into a very small bed in house if the step son is not there. Usually, we just go with the hotel or RV for sanity and to take the dogs along. I do like my privacy and stress recuperative down time to recharge my anti-stress batteries. Drama and brats wear on me after a while.
We were just informed today that a recently remarried friend of DW wants to stay here a couple of days on their way home from Las Vegas so we can meet her new husband. We just had my brother and his wive, my youngest son and my oldest son with his live-in girl friend visit for 3 days. I feel like an inn keeper. All I seem to do is change sheets and buy groceries and run the BBQ.
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Meadbh
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I think it's time for a moratorium. Just inform everyone that you are both worn out from hosting guests and that you will be taking a break for at least the next six months.
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Wait a minute!
They're ER, so what else could they possibly have to do besides hosting visitors?
Major Tom
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Sadly, he probably manages by depending on a series of people who help him for a while before getting wise. If you're good, it's possible to last a lifetime on handouts from a succession of different benefactors.
As frustrating as it is to see others seemingly getting by on the generosity of others, I don't think any of us would want that kind of a life for ourselves.
rescueme
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Before we were married, things were tough (financially) for my future DW and me, and we looked to our respective parents to help us out as to some minor expenses.
My parent’s response? You made your bed, now sleep in it.
My future DW's parents response? You're old enough to get married; you're old enough to make it on your own. In fact, my future FIL told my future DW "don't plan on coming back here (her parent’s home) if things don't turn out".
We learned quickly that our future life together was based upon our expectations, and decisions. Sometimes being "thrown in the water to learn to swim" is a form of tough love, but you learn early on not to depend on others, nor are willing to readily give assistance at every bump in the road to others, if it is asked of you. It gives others the opportunity to stretch their reach if it's "too easy" to just ask (and expect) others to help.
BTW, we survived - and did quite well in life by living our lives without financial support from our respective (long gone) parents. During the years they were alive, we knew not to ask since we learned early on what the response would be.
