It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

A lady walks in for her dental appointment, the dentist says "Looks like you need to have a tooth pulled." The woman says "I think I'd rather have a baby." The dentist looks at her and says "Make up your mind, I'll have to adjust the chair."

 

[sheldon cornped]

Will Glass Coffins be a Success?

Remains to be seen.

 

[Cayman]

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

 

[Walt34]

The wife left a note on the fridge.... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!!

I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold...

God only knows what she was on about!!

 

[braumeister]

 

[sheldon cornped]

A man's dog comes home one day with his neighbor's pet rabbit dead in his mouth. The rabbit is all covered in blood and dirt, clearly after putting up a fight with the dog. The man panics and worries that the neighbor will get mad and demand his dog be put down for killing his rabbit.

He decides to take the rabbit, clean it, and place it back in its cage before his neighbor finds out it's gone.

The following day his neighbor comes to him and strikes up a conversation.

"Did you hear our rabbit died?" the neighbor asks.

"No! When did that happen?" the man asks nervously.

"A few days ago. The weird thing is someone dug it up, cleaned it, and placed it back in its cage for some reason!"

 

[sheldon cornped]

A German got pulled over by the police in France...

French Police officer: "Name?"

German: "Heinrich Klimt"

French Police officer: "Age?"

German: "31"

French Police officer: "Occupation?"

German: "No. Just visiting"

 

[MRG]

Last night I was attacked by a group of mimes.
.
.
.

They did unspeakable things to me.

 

[braumeister]

My wife said I just have two major faults.

I don't listen, and ... something else.

 

[zedd]

French Police officer: "Name?"

German: "Heinrich Klimt"

French Police officer: "Age?"

German: "31"

French Police officer: "Occupation?"

German: "No. Just visiting"

Ah. A German in France ... occupation?

I get it. took me a minute tho

 

[Nemo2]

Ah. A German in France ... occupation?

I get it. took me a minute tho

Now that's funnier than the joke.....(which was aimed at Merkel when last I saw it).

I should clarify...it reminded me of a buddy of mine trying to teach me math many years ago...it was all obvious to him...but I kept saying "Why?"

 

[Walt34]

[FONT=&quot]HE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.[/FONT]

 

[Walt34]

This is one that goes straight to the heart of LBYM and value-oriented living:

An older couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us make love?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you make love - it seems perfectly normal.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, make love with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'Oh, we're not trying to find out anything.

She's married, so we can't go to her house.

I'm married, so we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98 for a room.

The Hilton charges $139 for a room.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays back $43 of it, leaving my net cost at only $7. Pretty good deal, I'd say' .

 

[TromboneAl]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called wedding cake.

 

[TromboneAl]

 

[Walt34]

Ponderisms:
Can you cry under water?



How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in"..



But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



[FONT=&quot]Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?[/FONT]

 

[KCGeezer]

If you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn the headlights on does anything happen?

 

[Nemo2]

If you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn the headlights on does anything happen?

I love Steven Wright's stuff!

 

[KCGeezer]

In that vein.....

I have an Epi-Pen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to that I have it.

 

[Cayman]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?


Aye matey

 

[TromboneAl]

Why did the drug dealer refuse to go to the nude beach?

He didn't want to get sand in his crack.

 

[NW-Bound]

A psychiatrist told his new patient: "Before I can help with your problems, I need to ask a few questions to set up some free associations. Please answer with the first thing that comes to your mind".

"What is it that a man does standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog on three legs?"

"Shakes hand".

"What does your dog do in your backyard that you are careful not to step into?"

"Digs a hole".

"What part of you sticks out stiffly from your pajamas when you wake up in the morning?"

"My neck".

The psychiatrist took off his glasses and polished them. He said "Well, your answers are perfectly normal. But you would not believe some of the weird ones that I have heard".

 

[NW-Bound]

Here's another bawdy one from Isaac Asimov.

Joe went home and excitedly told his wife "Honey, I just found a new position for love making".

His wife was surprised "Really? I thought we have done them all. What is this new one?"

Joe said "Back to back!"

His wife: "That's ridiculous. We can't do anything back-to-back."

Joe said "Yes we can. I was able to enlist another couple to help out".

 

[TromboneAl]

Here's another bawdy one from Isaac Asimov.

I have a friend who met Asimov at a party. Said he was a real lecher. He hit on her although she was thirty years younger than he.

 

[Nemo2]

He hit on her although she was thirty years younger than he.

I'd posit that, for almost any male, that would be more likely than hitting on women thirty years older.