It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
- Start date
- Status
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a Bubba-esque part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning the animal’s cages. Ted, like most Bubbas, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
“First,” Ted said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her on the lips.”
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second”, Ted said, “you must never tell anyone about this”
The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
“Third,” Ted said, “I want any offspring to be raised Southern Baptist.”
Once again the administrator agreed.
“And last of all,” Ted stated, “you’ve got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.”
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a Bubba-esque part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning the animal’s cages. Ted, like most Bubbas, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
“First,” Ted said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her on the lips.”
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second”, Ted said, “you must never tell anyone about this”
The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
“Third,” Ted said, “I want any offspring to be raised Southern Baptist.”
Once again the administrator agreed.
“And last of all,” Ted stated, “you’ve got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.”
bbbamI
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched. Then she says, (as only a mother would know...) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched. Then she says, (as only a mother would know...) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f.. are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
Those 2 previous jokes remind me of one time after our 17 year old DD had just had an argument with her boyfriend she said to us, "If only cucumbers could carry out the trash we'd have no need of men!!"
Afterwards I said to DW, "I hope she's not speaking from experience".
Afterwards I said to DW, "I hope she's not speaking from experience".
bbbamI
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Elderdude
Recycles dryer sheets
A guy walks into the dentist's, "'Scuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"I know."
"So why are you here?"
"The light is on."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"I know."
"So why are you here?"
"The light is on."
TromboneAl
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2006
- Messages
- 12,880
Actual Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
from the translation thread ...
EL PERRO
Un hombre tenía un perro muy bravo. Ya había mordido a dos o tres vecinos.
El veterinario le aconsejó que castrara al feroz animal; así le quitaría la bravura.
El hombre le prometió que al día siguiente se lo llevaría para tal efecto.
Ya lo llevaba, pero el animal se le soltó y fue a morder a un vagabundo que pasaba por ahí.
Alcanza el dueño al perro y lo sujeta.
-'Perdone -le dice al individuo-. Ahora mismo llevo al perro con el Veterinario a que le corten las bolas '.
Responde el vagabundo: 'Oiga patroncito le doy un consejo: mejor que le quite los dientes. Clarito se vé, que venía a morderme, no a cogerme'...
p[oorly translated, this would be
A man had a mean dog that had bitten two or three neighbors. He called his Vet and asked what to do. The Vet suggested castrating the dog – that. would relieve the aggression. The man promised he would bring the dog in.
The next day, on his way to the Vet, the dog got loose, ran up to a vagrant and tried to bit him. The man grabbed the dog and said to the vagrant “don’t worry, I’m bringing him to the Vet right now to have his testicles cut off”
The vagrant answered back “My good sir, might I suggest you pull his teeth instead of cutting off his balls. He only tried to bite me, not mount me.”
EL PERRO
Un hombre tenía un perro muy bravo. Ya había mordido a dos o tres vecinos.
El veterinario le aconsejó que castrara al feroz animal; así le quitaría la bravura.
El hombre le prometió que al día siguiente se lo llevaría para tal efecto.
Ya lo llevaba, pero el animal se le soltó y fue a morder a un vagabundo que pasaba por ahí.
Alcanza el dueño al perro y lo sujeta.
-'Perdone -le dice al individuo-. Ahora mismo llevo al perro con el Veterinario a que le corten las bolas '.
Responde el vagabundo: 'Oiga patroncito le doy un consejo: mejor que le quite los dientes. Clarito se vé, que venía a morderme, no a cogerme'...
p[oorly translated, this would be
A man had a mean dog that had bitten two or three neighbors. He called his Vet and asked what to do. The Vet suggested castrating the dog – that. would relieve the aggression. The man promised he would bring the dog in.
The next day, on his way to the Vet, the dog got loose, ran up to a vagrant and tried to bit him. The man grabbed the dog and said to the vagrant “don’t worry, I’m bringing him to the Vet right now to have his testicles cut off”
The vagrant answered back “My good sir, might I suggest you pull his teeth instead of cutting off his balls. He only tried to bite me, not mount me.”
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Alternative Names For Cubicles
14. Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death
13. Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat
12. Slack-In-The-Box
11. Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club
10. Peon Palazzo
9. Yuppie Terrarium
8. The SnackFooda Triangle
7. English Majors Entry Point
6. Luxury Manhattan Apartment
5. Picasso's Folly
4. International Porn Downloading Headquarters
3. Fortress of Servitude
2. Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal
1. Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
14. Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death
13. Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat
12. Slack-In-The-Box
11. Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club
10. Peon Palazzo
9. Yuppie Terrarium
8. The SnackFooda Triangle
7. English Majors Entry Point
6. Luxury Manhattan Apartment
5. Picasso's Folly
4. International Porn Downloading Headquarters
3. Fortress of Servitude
2. Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal
1. Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2007
- Messages
- 17,774
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we"re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... the history,the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... the history,the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Stud Rooster
(Forwarded to me from my wife...)
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
(Forwarded to me from my wife...)
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A tough old cowboy from south texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
the grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
the grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
BE SURE AND DO THE MATH BEFORE LOOKING AT THE LIST OF MOVIES.
Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how it works.
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
Mine was "Gone with the wind" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.
Now look up your number in the list below...
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of S** With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Amazing, isn't it?
Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how it works.
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
Mine was "Gone with the wind" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.
Now look up your number in the list below...
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of S** With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Amazing, isn't it?
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Uncanny...
VaCollector
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- May 12, 2007
- Messages
- 549
....seems to me if you guys had just watched the WHOLE movie, it just might be YOUR favorite too!!
hakuna matata
Recycles dryer sheets
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don’t go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"
hakuna matata
Recycles dryer sheets
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about
people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between
them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning
or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is NO difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about
people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between
them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning
or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is NO difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.
Enjoy the following Will Roger's quotes:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old
Enjoy the following Will Roger's quotes:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old
IndependentlyPoor
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
The conversation went like this:
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, mam , there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife, really furious now, "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No mam...the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The conversation went like this:
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, mam , there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife, really furious now, "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No mam...the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
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