It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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bbbamI said:
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:

Global Facts…At Any Given Moment….


FACT…………79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now..

FACT…….…..58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT…………37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT…………1 person is reading “It’s Funny Joke Thursday”

................(hang in there darlin' ;))
Click to expand...

BbbamI: I see you have rescued those very sexy boots......:)
 
Some time this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it :

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go
to China ..
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer, or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
 
Mitch Hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
 
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calmloki said:
Mitch Hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
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Man I loved him.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
 
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Word of the day:


FOCUS



When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS


F#*K Off Cause U're Stupid!
 
At the Russian military academy, a general gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy." At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

The officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China."

All in the audience were shocked. The officer asks, "General, we are only 150 million. There are 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all?"

The general answered, "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality.

For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, the officer asked, "Do we have enough Jews:confused:"
 
"Free from evidence of rodent or insect infestation" = "It's OK if it's infested, as long as there's no evidence of it."
 
TromboneAl said:
"Free from evidence of rodent or insect infestation" = "It's OK if it's infested, as long as there's no evidence of it."
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that is actually how it is according to FDA regulations :cool:

Food products are permitted to contain rodent and insect bits. I discovered this some years ago when my MegaCorp bought a big USA company that manufactures corn starch. I visited their main manufacturing site and was amazed to see how little testing there is. Corn kernels go in one end and bags of starch come out the other. Small samples are pulled into bottles and there is a visual inspection looking for fragments of insects or rodents. The only other test is that the finished bags pass through a metal detector looking for ground up machinery fragments. The whole place was really smelly and very dirty externally, pools of gunk everywhere :yuk:

The FDA's Controversial Food Standards - News

According to the Food and Drug Administration, a certain amount of these ingredients are allowed in your food. This disturbing reality is outlined on their website, FDA.gov, in a Defect Levels Handbook.

Among the sickening facts, 100 grams of chocolate can contain up to 60 insect fragments.

Peanut butter is allowed 30 or more insect fragments and one rodent hair per 100 grams. 20 or more maggots and 75 mites are allowed in 100 grams of drained mushrooms. And most disturbing of all, macaroni has an average of 225 insect fragments and 4.5 rodent hairs per 225 grams!
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Sorry about the thread hi-jack - this may not be funny to some ;)
 
The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
 
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