It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[TromboneAl]

Wisconson's New Slogan: Come smell our dairy air.

 

[harley]

The 10 most unfortunate URL names.

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

 

[REWahoo]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated
him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the
reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo
would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you
are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

 

[Walt34]

The economy is so bad, I got a "pre declined" credit card offer.

... if the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you call and ask if they mean yours or theirs.

...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the teenager asked if I could afford fries with that.

...CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

...the roaches left because there is nothing to eat.

...the value menu now offers the smell of burger aroma. Real food costs extra.

...the grocery store holds your groceries until the check has cleared.

... your ISP requires you to carry your posts in your arms to the next packet relay station.

... when you stop on a dime you only get back a nickel.

...that when I bought a box of dryer sheets, they were already torn in half.

...the best paying job in town is jury duty.

...Bill Gates had to switch to dial-up.

...the ATM spits out IOUs.

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

...Parents in Beverly Hills are raising their own kids.

...Wall Street has been renamed "Wal-Mart Street."

 

[mickeyd]

Now that SCOTUS has ruled in favor of guns this can now be released...

13 Reasons Why a Handgun is Better than a Woman

1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"…

​

 

[bbbamI]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and spirits into urine.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it.

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

 

[kumquat]

World Cup News

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South
Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete
the transaction.

 

[Westernskies]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 120,000 cases of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as...

...Sinko De Mayo

 

[mickeyd]

 

[bbbamI]

Best Living Will Ever....

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. ​

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:​

Glass of wine

Chocolate

Margarita
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Cold Beer
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Cold Beer ​

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

 

[mickeyd]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before?

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.

 

[ls99]

Adding to the best will ever.

If I can't walk on my own two feet to the bathroom, and wipe my own a$$.


This line is really in my advance directives.

 

[Alan]

Kneeling High Jump record

KNEELING HIGH JUMP RECORD


Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP
from a KNEELING position?

The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING position -
was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .





This photograph was taken a split second before the jump -
but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.......

 

[bbbamI]

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

 

[MichaelB]

Missing Missy

Not sure if this is real but I sure can imagine it happening. Read the entire thread from top to bottom

98.3 WTRY

 

[mickeyd]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.​

 

[Westernskies]

A motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir?
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

 

[JustMeUC]

ok,not Thursday or really a joke but


THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST HEADLINES EVER

 

[mickeyd]

Man, they sure used a lot of ink for that. I womder if the Snickers bar was the problem or was it something else? I guess I'll never know.

 

[Alan]

Ramblings of a dinosaur

Ramblings of a dinosaur

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those mobile phones that people have clipped onto their belt or handbag. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I have that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat litter tray, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

 

[IBWino]

Illusion

 

[MichaelB]

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead and well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."


PS.I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

 

[MichaelB]

One day God was looking down on earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 

[Alan]

The very first "Senior moment"

The very first "Senior moment"

 

[Onward]

The very first "Senior moment"

Good one.