It's funny joke Thursday! - 2021

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Shortly after World War II, a former British fighter pilot was invited to give a lecture at an English ladies' high tea.
"...and there I was flying over the Channel, when suddenly two Fokkers attacked me out of a cloud bank and..."
At that point all the ladies either screamed or fainted, with some reproaching the lecturer for using such vile language. All a-fluster, the Chairwoman scurried to the front:
"Ladies, ladies! The Captain would never use such language in your presence! 'Fokker' refers to a type of German combat aircraft. Is that not correct, Captain?"
"Yes, indeed, madam. But these fokkers were in Messerschmidtts!"

 

[ls99]

And GOOGLE just Giggled.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. An evil wizard had put a curse on the daughter so that everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched
would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, the curse will be broken and she will be cured."
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away, sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they turned to liquid. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
Answer below, scroll down





















M&Ms of course!

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[MissMolly]

 

[FIREarly]

Ask me if I'm a blueberry?

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[GlennN]

Taylor Swift

I've always felt that Taylor Swift is best watched with the sound turned off.

+1! That assumes you even want to watch her....

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

asdfasdfadsf

 

[Car-Guy]

Question: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?

Answer: Must be the man with six children since the man with a million dollars wants more.

 

[Car-Guy]

A couple of old ones and a couple of new ones

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

 

[Car-Guy]

Sad but true!


A question I want to asked based on my observation at the supermarket - Why do they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

 

[Car-Guy]

Another sad but true...


A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

 

[Car-Guy]

Some old and some good one liners - last for today.....


I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.

I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.

With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!

Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."

Without geometry, life is pointless.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.

Yes, I'm lost... but I'm making GREAT time!

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

 

[FIREarly]

Question: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?

Answer: Must be the man with six children since the man with a million dollars wants more.

hahaha!!!*

*reminder, it doesn't always take a million dollars to be happy.

 

[Car-Guy]

And for some Gates humor...


Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway. The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?" Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?" Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".


Q. What does Bill Gates do when he want to use his air conditioner?
A. He closes all his windows


When Bill Gates walks into the local bar, everyone becomes a billionaire, on average

Q.Why Bill Gates should lead the team to find the Corona Virus cure? A.Because he has been dealing with viruses since Windows 3.0


Q.What do Bill Gates and Elon Musk have in common? A. They both have broken windows on a live stage.

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night? So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth, he is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.



Bill Gates is having a conversation with Paul Allen.

Bill: "How come Bing failed?"
Paul: "Well, let me Google it..."
Bill: "Never mind."

 

[Car-Guy]

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“New Zealand, sir" the boy replied.
“Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, only prostitutes and rugby players live there.”
“Is that right?” replied the manager. “My wife is from New Zealand!”
"Really?” replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

 

[FIREarly]

And for some Gates humor...


Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway. The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?" Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?" Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".


Q. What does Bill Gates do when he want to use his air conditioner?
A. He closes all his windows


When Bill Gates walks into the local bar, everyone becomes a billionaire, on average

Q.Why Bill Gates should lead the team to find the Corona Virus cure? A.Because he has been dealing with viruses since Windows 3.0


Q.What do Bill Gates and Elon Musk have in common? A. They both have broken windows on a live stage.

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night? So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth, he is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.



Bill Gates is having a conversation with Paul Allen.

Bill: "How come Bing failed?"
Paul: "Well, let me Google it..."
Bill: "Never mind."

hahaha tech jokes on Thursday!

 

[Car-Guy]

A couple for the ladies....


"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."


A woman needs only four animals in her life:
- a mink on her back,
- a jaguar in her garage,
- a tiger in her bed,
and a jackass to pay for it all...

 

[Car-Guy]

Short and older ones - Last for the day


Why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
You get your house back, your tractor back, you wife back, and your dog back...

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home but I said I wanted to stay with you guys."

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

 

[Car-Guy]