It's funny joke Thursday! - 2021

[Car-Guy]

 

[Nemo2]

 

[Car-Guy]

This one would be funny if it wasn't so true.

 

[Car-Guy]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was delighted. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working after I'm satisfied?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded. "When she says that, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and cried out, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the most masculine of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition… because we could end up with a dangling participle

 

[CardsFan]

This one would be funny if it wasn't so true.

Make that 60's or 70's and you got me.

 

[Car-Guy]

+

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

A young lawyer is working late one night at his new job when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make sure you become a full partner in this firm immediately.

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Walt34]

Just wondering:

 

[Jeb-NY]

A husband and wife got into a terrible argument. Not wanting to be home with her husband, the wife calls her mother and says, “We got into another fight. I’m coming to stay with you for a few days.” The mother responds, “No, darling. He must pay for his mistake! I’m coming to stay with YOU!”

 

[Car-Guy]

A lawyer named Strange passed away. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for a passerby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However, he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, "That's Strange.”

 

[Walt34]

Well, at least he was considerate.

 

[Time2]

Well, at least he was considerate.

Don't you know there is a bail of marijuana under the dirt?

 

[Car-Guy]

I guess I'm a little slow today.. Took me a minute (well ~15 seconds anyway) to get this one...


As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “ Well, there’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had been a failure.”

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are very excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[Walt34]

Choices matter:

 

[Car-Guy]

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

 

[Car-Guy]

This is just about the way things work in my experience.



A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"

 

[ls99]

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Reminds me of my days in Alaska. When as a group , hiking among tall Alder bushes, we had a rule. When giving directions never ever use the expression "bear to the .... whatever direction". Saying, for example bear to the right, resulted in everyone whipping out firearms, and looking for bear in the noted direction