It's funny joke Thursday! - 2021
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Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Cowboy at the Pearly Gates
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago.”
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago.”
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
An old one with a different spin.While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head. "That's nice of you," I answered,
"But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any
more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?”
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A women visits her husband in prison. Before leaving she tells the correction officer: You shouldn't make my husband work so hard. He's exhausted! The office laughs and says, are you kidding me, he just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day. The wife replies, well he just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months.
Dtail
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No fan needed.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
An older one making the rounds again.Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
” Pours some lukewarm water over it and then tap the edges with hammer.”
Wife texts back 10 minutes later:
“Computer really messed up now.”
arbeadub
Recycles dryer sheets
I've heard riding around in a convertible gets you closer to nature.
You get to experience all the sights and smells.
[/QUOTE]
You get to experience all the sights and smells.
Jeb-NY
Recycles dryer sheets
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A few repeats mixed in these one linersGETTING OLD
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim.”
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager): I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A few more one liners- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you ..
but it's still on my list - Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of
Emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor." - Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. - You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Nemo2
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Ain't it the truth?A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Starbucks.
"My arms have become so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an X at election time because my hands are so
crippled", volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you", said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said another, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."
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