It's funny joke Thursday! - 2021

[Car-Guy]

 

[Markola]

 

[CaptTom]

I heard the joke in Car-Guy's meme a little differently:

Officer: Do you have any drugs or alcohol?

Driver: Why, what do you need?

 

[Car-Guy]

I heard the joke in Car-Guy's meme a little differently:

Officer: Do you have any drugs or alcohol?

Driver: Why, what do you need?

That's pretty good too. Maybe better. However, I just post meme's as I find them.

 

[Car-Guy]

My first thought when I saw this was: Two old guys sitting in the pool, drinking beer probably for hours on end... I'm not getting in that pool!

 

[Car-Guy]

Valentine’s Day Special! $500.


Reserve Now as the best spots are filling fast!

We arrest you in front of your wife & release you on the following Tuesday.
Includes camping fee, fishing license, tent, and beer.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

 

[Walt34]

Needs new friends...

 

[Jeb-NY]

The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get into the cockpit and start the plane, they calm down and are convinced it was just a stupid joke. So the plane starts rolling, and rolling and rolling on the runway. This airport runway is ending at a cliff, and the plane approaches it and doesn't seem to make any attempts to start. The people start screaming in panic, in this moment the plane takes off into the sky and everyone calms down. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and grumbles: "You know, one day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

 

[Sarpy]

^^^

 

[Car-Guy]

I'm sure I could think of a lot more...

Senior Citizen Texting Code:

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
ATD - At The Doctors
BFF- Best Friend Fell
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry. Gas
TOT - Texting On Toilet
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Nemo2]

Received by e-mail:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a_ _hole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting sex.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

[Car-Guy]

I started to post one of the funniest jokes I have seen recently but I think it may be too much for some at this site... I'll send it to one of the mods for review before posting if they are interested... If one of the mods would care to review it, PM me.

But this is a follow-up to that joke which may give you an idea of the subject matter....


Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. And the best one of all: 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

[Aerides]

This is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time (it's a zoom gone wrong...)

 

[Car-Guy]

You may not get this one if you don't play Chess

 

[Car-Guy]

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4 You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

or

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

or

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

or

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup .
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

or

You can retire to The Deep South where...
.1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

or

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?”

or

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

 

[Car-Guy]

That was a heck of a slip...

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[travelover]

That was a heck of a slip...

OK, I'll be the wet blanket. There is nothing funny about vigilantism.

 

[REWahoo]

There was a long line at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the impatient young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So, when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

 

[jcretire77]

Thanks again Car-Guy for the JOKES.

 

[Chuckanut]

she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

You are incorrigible.

 

[Car-Guy]

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another about 3 minutes apart from each other, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my beautiful secretary, Miss Floyd?”
"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere." insisted Ted.
"Good, I'm convinced said the chairman. Now, it's up to YOU to fire her !

 

[Car-Guy]

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a Crap?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"

 

[Car-Guy]

A gas station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'