Kids making a big mistake

[jjflyman]

My DW and I are concerned our kids (daughter and her husband) are about to make a mistake.
They are both in their late 20's, both collage grads with decent jobs, a house, and lots of debt. They informed us they plan on quiting their jobs, selling their house and moving out of sate and live with friends until they get settled.
I'm concerned they will "start over" with no jobs and immediately go farther in debt. My wife and I are bothered because we think they are a being a little reckless because they know our financial situation and think we can bail them out when the money gets tight.
We are 2 years from ER and are trying to accumulate as much as we can at this point, and helping support our children because of their bad decisions in not in the plan
Advice?

 

[bigcmagor]

Have to let them live their own lives. My 29yo DS and his girlfriend are selling everything and heading out for a year or more on the road in a 1973 Airstream trailer. I figure it's better for them to get it out of their system now than ten years down the road. Of course, they may still be vagabonds at that time but if that is what makes them happy....

To address your concern though, I think you should tell them that bailing them out is not part of your retirement plan and they should not be counting on it.

 

[joeea]

We are 2 years from ER and are trying to accumulate as much as we can at this point, and helping support our children because of their bad decisions in not in the plan
Advice?

You cannot tell adult married children what they can and cannot do. (Did your parents run your life once you were married?)

But you can make it clear that you will not be in a position to help them out financially.

Sit down with them, explain your situation. Don't criticize their plans. Don't attack them personally. Don't call their choice a mistake, unless you are specifically asked for feedback. Just make it clear that the decision is theirs, but that your financial support simply isn't available.

Tell them that you love them, that you will support them emotionally, and that you wish them well. Then hope for the best.

 

[DFDubb]

They could be in a much better financial position than you think. Because of how my wife and I conduct ourselves, our families didnt come to realize how much money my wife and I had until our mid 30's. They still have no idea to actual numbers, but have since been able to figure out that we do extremely well and have many times the net worth that they have. We've never discussed $ with family because we're easily the biggest earners on both sides and if family knew what we made, the requests for loans and "investments in nonsense" would be never ending. I think they finally let me start picking up the dinner bill at about age 38.

Like others have said, they're married adults. I'd butt out before you have a resentful kid on your hands.

 

[cooch96]

I concur with previous posters.

Good luck, Jjflyman. For yourself and DD.

 

[jjflyman]

Thanks you all for some great advice. I think we will "let the chips fall where they may", and give them emotional support. Maybe it will never come to the point where they request financial help. We love them and really do wish them the best.

 

[Jerry1]

think you should tell them that bailing them out is not part of your retirement plan and they should not be counting on it.

Thats all you can do financially speaking. Then wish them all the best and make sure they keep in touch. You may enjoy the adventure (lived through them) more than you realize. It’s just life. Be thankful they’re not really destructive like being addicted to substances. That would be a lot harder to watch.

 

[Newventurer]

All of those things everyone else has said, and add one - don’t let them store their stuff in your garage

 

[Dtail]

You cannot tell adult married children what they can and cannot do. (Did your parents run your life once you were married?)

But you can make it clear that you will not be in a position to help them out financially.

Sit down with them, explain your situation. Don't criticize their plans. Don't attack them personally. Don't call their choice a mistake, unless you are specifically asked for feedback. Just make it clear that the decision is theirs, but that your financial support simply isn't available.

Tell them that you love them, that you will support them emotionally, and that you wish them well. Then hope for the best.

+1 Well stated.
DGF and I have 5 combined children of whom not one is a financial success yet and they know there will be no ongoing financial support from us.

 

[Car-Guy]

Thanks you all for some great advice. I think we will "let the chips fall where they may", and give them emotional support. Maybe it will never come to the point where they request financial help. We love them and really do wish them the best.

Might be a good idea to let them know "as best you can" that you and your wife are planning retirement soon and you are not their piggy bank, especially if you think that may be part of their plan. Maybe a little tough love but (IMO) it would be best they hear the words and know, especially since they have good jobs now.

Most folks in their 20's have lot of debt but they don't just quit when it's hard and start over.

 

[Dtail]

If they sell their house, is there enough equity buildup to pay off all their debts, so at least they have a better restart scenario?

 

[Kelor]

All of my kids know with certainty that I’m not their bank. Though they are all well aware of our wealth, they have no expectations of an inheritance. I think that’s important.

If you do want to incentivize them for good financial behavior, you might want to announce to them and give them an annual gift equal to a certain percentage of their personal income. Just a thought.

 

[ponyboy]

This is the norm now with young adults. They either want to travel and not work...or just not work and do whatever. That way they can brag to all of their friends at starbucks about how awesome they are for not working.

I understand that the younger generation value life experience over things...which is a good thing. Materialism is toxic. What else is toxic is working, saving a bunch of money...then not working again and blowing all your money. Not a good cycle to be in.

Nothing you can do as a parent...let them figure it out on their own.

 

[MichaelB]

This is the norm now with young adults. They either want to travel and not work...or just not work and do whatever. That way they can brag to all of their friends at starbucks about how awesome they are for not working.

Not the norm for any of the young adults I know. In fact, just the opposite. I find them to be hard working people looking to take on greater responsibilities and make their way in the world.

 

[joeea]

This is the norm now with young adults.

You really shouldn't lump all young adults in one basket.

Apparently my children don't fit your "norm".

They either want to travel and not work...or just not work and do whatever. That way they can brag to all of their friends at starbucks about how awesome they are for not working.

It's funny that you would write this on an Early Retirement forum.

 

[DFDubb]

This is the norm now with young adults. They either want to travel and not work...or just not work and do whatever. That way they can brag to all of their friends at starbucks about how awesome they are for not working.

Your sweeping generalizations are not in fact the norm. I have a lot of young, hard working, smart engineers working for me that are grateful for the opportunity. Some have left for greener pastures, but all had a paycheck attached to it. Can't say I've had anyone quit to go hang out at starbucks.

Perhaps you got a late start at yelling at kids to stay off your lawn today.

 

[Aerides]

If they sell their house, is there enough equity buildup to pay off all their debts, so at least they have a better restart scenario?

The Op's kids are still in their 20's, so the chances are they have little to no equity, or worse, in their house.

But the key is they are in their 20's, so now is the time to make mistakes. Plenty of years ahead to recover, and hey, maybe things won't be all bad.

All you can do is let them know you love them, even if you think they are nuts, and wish them nothing but the best (but yes you can add the disclaimer of "don't come crying to bank-of-me")

 

[Texas Proud]

I will go against the grain a bit...


I would have no problem giving them my opinion on their decision and why I thought that way.... but I would also say it is their life and if that is what they want to do then I hope it works out well for them...


In that I would say that I will not be willing to help out financially... however, that is probably not going to change their mind anyhow...


BTW, this could be the best thing to happen to them... either they get great jobs in a place they like or it is a wake up call to them to make better decisions...

 

[flintnational]

You cannot tell adult married children what they can and cannot do. (Did your parents run your life once you were married?)

But you can make it clear that you will not be in a position to help them out financially.

Sit down with them, explain your situation. Don't criticize their plans. Don't attack them personally. Don't call their choice a mistake, unless you are specifically asked for feedback. Just make it clear that the decision is theirs, but that your financial support simply isn't available.

Tell them that you love them, that you will support them emotionally, and that you wish them well. Then hope for the best.

+1 Good advice. Also +1 on the "don't let them store stuff in your garage". Don't ask why I know that Mom and Dad Storage Co. is a bad idea!

 

[Chuckanut]

Not the norm for any of the young adults I know. In fact, just the opposite. I find them to be hard working people looking to take on greater responsibilities and make their way in the world.

+1

I agree. There are differences in certain areas like loyalty to an employer, but one can argue that is a result of employer behaviors towards their parents generation.

 

[target2019]

We have a family bank kids can take a loan from. If the lending is not a good idea, we can bury them with paper work.


But seriously, they are old enough to take care of themselves. When I go into deep thought about their future, I think back to my 20's and 30's, and the many mistakes I made. Moving to another area and living with friends sounds like a new start.

 

[brett]

When we were in our mid twenties I did not like my career path. We had no debt and we had a little savings.

We sold our townhouse (little or no equity), car, most of our possessions. Went to Europe, bought a used VW van, and traveled. We returned and moved west. We had very little. Eventually started a new career path that was enjoyable, challenging, and lucrative. This changed our lives and was one of the best decisions that we ever made.

My son, in his early 30's has traveled the world. Including hitchhiking by himself through the 'stans'. Just quit his job as a senior high teacher to return to university for post graduate work. He will sell most of his possessions and move across the country.

I think that young adults are just as hard working and responsible as we were. Things have changed over the years and certainly the economy is different.

You cannot live your children's lives for them. You can make a decision not to bail them out if you feel that this is hurting them in the long term. We had to make such a decision with our daughter and SIL. Hard as it was, it was the right thing for us to do. Besides, we are not believers in throwing away good money after bad.

 

[Crabby Mike]

It's funny that you would write this on an Early Retirement forum.

x2. While I enjoy this forum, and have learned some useful info in my short time here, I'm amazed at the members who plan to retire REALLY early (by my standards), on what I'd consider not a very solid financial foundation. Yes, I understand that I must be overly conservative (financially) for this forum, since I continued to work to 64 out of fears that we didn't have enough to safely cover our planned spending, despite having much more set aside than many here intend to.

Don't get me wrong, I support the aggressive saving, minimalist spending, and overall sacrifices of short-term gratification for long-term freedom from career captivity, and in many ways wish I had been more forward-thinking when I was in my 20s and 30s. But I can't help seeing a not-so-subtle generational shift here, from my parents' generation (children of the Depression, locked into lifelong habits of hard work and financial conservatism), to my own (somewhat less conservative, but heavily influenced by our parents), to my kids' contemporaries (now in their 20s and 30s), many of whom are very focused on working the fewest years possible before entering retired life. Unfortunately, shifts in the costs and means for retirement (longer lifespans, disappearance of pensions, instability of Social Security, rising health insurance costs, etc.) argue for later, not earlier, retirement age.

Sorry to sound like the geezer I am, but I worry about the future of these millennials, or whatever they want to be called. I'm kind of glad I won't be around to see how this works out for them.

 

[ponyboy]

Not the norm for any of the young adults I know. In fact, just the opposite. I find them to be hard working people looking to take on greater responsibilities and make their way in the world.

Thats impressive and im glad there are youngins who have a good work ethic.

Im 35 so not exactly a spring chicken. I work with 3 late 20's guys. They are waaaaay smarter than I am or ever will be...yet their work ethic sucks. They'll wait till the last second to do something...or if they cant do something from their desk they wont do it. I run circles around them...me and these 2 other 50something guys...they also have a great work ethic.

Ever hear the expression "youth is wasted on the young." This hits the nail on the head when it comes to them. They spend almost all of their time playing video games. If they arent in front of a computer its rare.

I wont go into detail on everyone I know that isnt 30 yet...but the trend carries over to them.

But dont let that fool you...most of my friends around my age are bums too. They work...but they also spend every dime they have, are always stressed, cant pay bills, in toxic relationships...at least they no longer live with mom and dad.

Perhaps you got a late start at yelling at kids to stay off your lawn today.

Brother...im 35. I am a millennial and I think a lot of my generation are bums.

 

[ponyboy]

But I can't help seeing a not-so-subtle generational shift here, from my parents' generation (children of the Depression, locked into lifelong habits of hard work and financial conservatism), to my own (somewhat less conservative, but heavily influenced by our parents), to my kids' contemporaries (now in their 20s and 30s), many of whom are very focused on working the fewest years possible before entering retired life.

Because 20s/30s live in an easy time. Which is why we keep seeing recreational aggression.

hard times make hard men.
hard men make easy times.
easy times make weak men.
weak men make hard times...rinse and repeat...we're now in the easy time which is making soft men (and women.)