Question for Boomer Dads

[Alan]

We see our childless 36 year old son at least once per week. (He lives in the same small town). We see our childless 38 year old daughter a couple of times a year as she lives 8 time zones away. We Skype every other weekend and keep in regular email and instant message contact. We stayed at her place for a couple of weeks in March this year, and with our son we all plan to meet up in Paris in November for a few days before continuing on to London for another few days before she flies home.

 

[DFDubb]

My folks are boomers and myself and spouse have no kids, and live an hour away. Rarely/never will I pick up a phone to chat, I don't really like talking on the phone, especially with my folks. We go for a visit 3-5 times a year, maybe. We were never really close, even as a child. They didn't take an interest in my life much nor did they really help me navigate childhood into adulthood, I pretty much raised myself and when 18 moved out into the unknown. They now realize that they did a crap job parenting and not having much of a relationship with their kids is the result of that. I feel bad they now want more, but too little too late. We have nothing in common, different political and religious views, etc... I doubt they could tell you what my degree is in or what I even do for a living. They're also just plain not very nice people. As an example, they're often extremely rude to wait staff when we're out to dinner which makes my blood boil. If I do converse with them, it is often a gripe session about whatever the complaint of the day is.

The real interesting part is yet to come. They don't have much saved for retirement, have never been good with money, and are now retirement age, but still a ways from actually being able to retire. Spouse and myself will retire in our late 40's / early 50's. When we do, we will not be sticking around where they live. I have a sibling that lives about 1k miles away, but I doubt they move there either. They stubbornly refuse to downsize out of their 5 bedroom house that nobody comes to visit them in. As their health fails they won't have anyone around to help them and myself nor my sibling are going to uproot our lives to help out much. I'm not sure how that's going to work. I'll throw some $ at the situation if need be, but spouse and myself will be off enjoying our hard earned early retirement.

I often wonder if my parents actually ever wanted kids in the first place or if they did it simply because that was the societal norm. They certainly never seemed that interested in having a relationship with me when it was needed, but now it's nothing but guilt trips about how lonely they are. I don't get it and it is largely why I chose not to have kids, I just didn't have much of an example to go on.

 

[COZICAN]

My parents 79/78 live 14 miles from me (their only son). We do all of the holidays & birthdays at my house (we have a pool). We talk almost every Sunday. Other than that we'll have an occasional dinner out together. I know (as they have related) that they really would like to see me more often but do not understand what a 50+ hour w$#k week actually is. I do not have much "free" time and when I do I want to spend it with my DW doing the things we enjoy. I understand their need but seeing them 10+ times a year and talking weekly works for me. My DW calls it "do diligence" but it's really not as I look forward to time with my parents as well. DW sees her DM weekly and talks to her daily on the phone. (Her DF is gone)

 

[gerntz]

We have a son with two grandkids, 15 & 9. Probably average 2x/wk, but sometimes it's 5 & at other times, may not talk for 2 wks. They live 0.5 hr away.

 

[tb001]

I've seen this in a couple of formerly difficult people who developed dementia, although not my (long deceased) parents. My theory is that they have forgotten the things that used to make them defensive and angry, along with most everything else. They're dreadfully boring now, of course, but at least they aren't deliberately provocative any more.

Yes, I totally agree! He doesn’t have the sharpness to him anymore and can’t remember enough to argue about politics. The surprise was just how really pleasant he was to be around. Truly living in the moment and appreciating the beauty around him. Not boring at all!

 

[GravitySucks]

DD1 lives 500 miles away. We see each other 3 or 5 times a year. Call every week or two.
DD2 lives in town, and still has most of her stuff here. We see each other around 5 times a month. It will probably be less when she gets a washing machine. [emoji6] We also talk by phone a couple times a week.
No grandbabies [emoji45]

 

[slowsaver]

Sounds like you asked the wrong question. I have seen a lot of threads here where people discuss painful or troubled relations when that is the question posed. If you are unhappy with the level of contact you have, explain the problem and ask for people's experiences or thoughts.

Well, it's too late for me to fix now. I just have to live with the regret of not spending more time before DD passed unexpectedly. Many of your comments were helpful to me though. Seems that being grumpy and talking politics too much was a factor in a couple of you who saw your parents less. Also, it seems that many of you (parents) put-in 50% of the effort to travel to see your kids.

 

[SumDay]

We're in our early 60's and one or both of us has a text going almost daily with both our kids who are plane rides away from us. The younger one calls at least once a week as he's a mama's boy, and the older one doesn't really like to talk on the phone. He got that from me, but I make an exception when it's one of my kids.

 

[Jeffman52]

I have two kids that live in Georgia while we live in Ohio. I speak with my daughter at least once a week. My Son I talk to here and there. Not anything scheduled or weekly. We text back and forth quite a bit, especially during football season. We travel to visit them now and again and sometimes we pay to fly them up here to visit. This coming Thanksgiving we have rented a place in North Georgia and everyone is coming there so we can do Thanksgiving together.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I see my oldest and his wife 2-3 times a month. We live in the same town. My youngest lives in Vietnam so haven’t seen him in a year. When he lived in the states I would fly out 2-3 times a year and him occasionally. My husband’s 2 boys live out of state and he flys out twice a year. No grandchildren.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well, it's too late for me to fix now. I just have to live with the regret of not spending more time before DD passed unexpectedly. Many of your comments were helpful to me though. Seems that being grumpy and talking politics too much was a factor in a couple of you who saw your parents less. Also, it seems that many of you (parents) put-in 50% of the effort to travel to see your kids.

so sorry for your loss. Many of us have these shoulda, coulda thoughts and regrets when someone dies. I think that's pretty normal. I had them about my Dad. Time will help with this. In the moment I did the best I could with my Dad. Give yourself some time.

 

[tb001]

Well, it's too late for me to fix now. I just have to live with the regret of not spending more time before DD passed unexpectedly. Many of your comments were helpful to me though. Seems that being grumpy and talking politics too much was a factor in a couple of you who saw your parents less. Also, it seems that many of you (parents) put-in 50% of the effort to travel to see your kids.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think we all have regrets, but hope we do the best we can in a given situation.

As the child in this scenario, I think if health and finances allow, being willing to travel to kids is hugely important. Both my parents are/were very busy retirees, but it was notable that they always expected me to come see them. For much of my career I had 10-15 vacation days a year, most of which were used as personal days or staycation. Taking two vacation days just for travel is a lot.

 

[Cobra9777]

Well... technically I'm a Boomer Dad although I'm only 58 (born 1961). Kids are 30 and 27. They both live within an hours drive. So we see them frequently and have some form of electronic communication at least daily.

DS is married with two kids. They live 50 minutes away by car. We typically see them once or twice per week. They both work, so they rely on us for frequent babysitting and other transportation/scheduling conflicts. DS and I communicate almost daily by text. We share similar "geeky" interests and enjoy sharing thoughts and links to interesting stories.

DD is "practically married"... living with her SO for 8 years. No kids. They live 15 minutes away. We see her 3 or 4 times per week. Her SO is extremely busy with work and travels a lot. We're lucky to see him once or twice per month. DD has dinner with us when he works late or is traveling. She also calls almost every day on her way home from work.

I expect that when we're 70, one or both of the kids will have scattered to other regions of the country or globe. Or maybe DW and I will be living on a mountain in Costa Rica. In any case, I would obviously expect face-to-face interactions to be significantly less at that point. With distance, I also think it's natural for other forms of communication to decrease as well, although I certainly hope that doesn't happen in our case.

I had very little interaction with my own parents after I moved out at 18. During college, I went home to visit once or twice per year between semesters. I lived about 8 hours away by car. We spoke by phone maybe once a month. Over the years, this dwindled down to one visit every 2 or 3 years and a phone call 2 or 3 times per year. Neither parent ever visited me in Texas. It was always expected that I would travel to them, which was understandable since all the family lived in that area. But it got really old once we had kids and careers... and other places we wanted to spend our time off. The reality is we just never had much of a relationship after I moved out. I wish that had been different. There were no ill feelings either way. That's just the way things evolved.

 

[CardsFan]

I had very little interaction with my own parents after I moved out at 18. During college, I went home to visit once or twice per year between semesters. I lived about 8 hours away by car. We spoke by phone maybe once a month. Over the years, this dwindled down to one visit every 2 or 3 years and a phone call 2 or 3 times per year. Neither parent ever visited me in Texas. It was always expected that I would travel to them, which was understandable since all the family lived in that area. But it got really old once we had kids and careers... and other places we wanted to spend our time off. The reality is we just never had much of a relationship after I moved out. I wish that had been different. There were no ill feelings either way. That's just the way things evolved.

Not trying to call you out, but this reminded me of our situation "back in the old days".

When I moved 1200 miles from home after college (1978), I felt it was MY obligation to travel home periodically, so I did 3-4 times per year (when single). We also talk by phone once a week, taking turns who would call and pay the long distance charge ($0.10/minute on Sundays).

Within a year after getting married in 1980, we actually moved to within 50 miles of my parents, but were now 1200 miles from hers. We also now had DS. So, now we had weekly phone calls with both sets of parents, and at least 2 "obligation vacations" per year, going back to visit as a family. DW and DS would usually go alone another 1-2 times per year. We would usually see my folks about once a month, on average. Later, we moved back close to DW's parents, and then the calls and trips were in the other direction.

This all just seemed normal to me. We were the ones moving around, we should be the ones to put in the extra effort for face to face time, so we did.

Side note: DW's sister and husband (and son) moved about 1500 miles away 4 years ago. While they talk often, she has not been back to visit her mom in all that time. We did take DMIL out to visit them one time, but she has had it with flying at 89, and will not travel there, or anywhere, again.

 

[GravitySucks]

DDad and I were estranged for almost 30 years after he divorced DM.
DW encouraged me to mend the relationship around 10 years ago. We would see each other once a year and call maybe 4 times a year from then till he died last year. Glad she convinced me to forgive him and that we had a few good times before he was gone. DW was always the wiser one.
Sorry to read of your loss.

 

[karen1972]

Dad was a boomer, we didn't speak often but when we did it was for really long. Nothing to do with age really, but more he's a farmer, its just the lifestyle. day to day is consumed with chores but when you get some free time, they will talk your ear off.

 

[slowsaver]

Dad was a boomer, we didn't speak often but when we did it was for really long. Nothing to do with age really, but more he's a farmer, its just the lifestyle. day to day is consumed with chores but when you get some free time, they will talk your ear off.

My dad was like that too. Not a farmer, but old-school like that. I kind of dreaded that I'd be stuck on the phone at least 1-hour when he called. Now I would do anything to get one of those calls.

 

[eytonxav]

DS usually visits with us and stays for dinner every week or two. DD recently got divorced and is living with us at the moment. We enjoy seeing them. No grand kids yet.

 

[NYEXPAT]

Boomer Dad here (66) with a 4 year old and 14 year old. Wife works full time and is a gym-rat and frequent party'er so I spend most all my time with the kids!

 

[Retch The Grate]

Childfree Gen-Xer with Boomer parents here, I FaceTime or call my folks once a week generally, though sometimes a few weeks will go by between calls and sometimes we get in touch a couple of times in a week. FaceTime is awesome because it really feels like we are hanging out together. I see them in person 1-2 times a year, though I'm hoping that will increase now that my Dad has retired this summer. I'd like to be FI sooner rather than later so I can have a lot more time to hang out with them while they are still young enough to be active, they are early 70s now so I figure there's at least one good decade of adventure time for them, hopefully more as my grandfather was actively traveling into his early 90s.

I moved to California 20 years ago, so most of my adult life has been relatively remote from my parents sadly. I've had a couple 6 week visits when being between jobs has permitted and those were great for getting to spend time with them. I'd love to be increasing my travel with them.

 

[Katsmeow]

DH is a boomer with adult children from his first marriage. He was divorced from their mom while they were children and she moved to a different town (and remarried). However, he did weekly visitation every week until his children were teenagers and balked at giving up weekends. But that was long before I ever knew him. By the time we got married two of his children were married with children and the other soon had a child. Most of his grandchildren are now adult.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is the different in people who like to just chat on the phone and those who don't. I enjoy just chatting on the phone and can spend hours on the phone with someone. DH is more someone who calls if there is a specific reason. His adult children have mostly not lived that close to us. Until the last year, the closest was several hours away. Now one of them is a little over an hour away.

Anyway, DH can go weeks or months without contacting one of his kids unless he has a reason to contact them. That doesn't mean he is uninterested in them. In fact, one of the first things he does every day is go on to Facebook and read their Facebook feeds (most of them are on Facebook) and those of his grandkids. He is always accepts invitations to see them or go to events. But, he just isn't the type of person to just talk and chat. Occasionally, if he hasn't had a reason to talk to them he will call them or Facebook message them.

He is the same way with our kids (who are adult but younger -- no grandkids). One of our kids is currently living with us. But, last year when this kids was several states away, I just chatting with this kids several times a week and texted frequently. In about 6 weeks, DH spoke to this kid a few times.

To me - I find it hard to understand because I enjoy just the calling up and sort of aimless chatting. DH though feels he gets caught up from FB and that he is available at any time to talk to any of his kids and he thoroughly enjoys visits. FWIW, I think that his parents were much the same way once he was out of the house. So maybe that is part of it. (My parents -- I was an only child -- were much more hands on and chatty and visited often). DH loves his kids and our kids but just doesn't feel he needs to chat with them on the phone on a set schedule.

 

[stevemac]

Just turned 60 here, and the kids are 20, 24 and 28. The 20 year old (halfway through college) and I just never quite connected with despite great effort on my part -- she just wants to do her thing and is very focused on school (double major -- film, upright bass performance). But I have to say there aren't any real issues/problems in that one -- she's just not that interested being in touch, at least not right now. She recently made us laugh with the comment "adulting is hard" and perhaps things will change as she gets out into the world.

Middle daughter is very opposite -- a chatterbox, fun to be around, and we communicate a couple times a month, but she's halfway across the country, so we see her infrequently. The 2016 election put a complete halt to the relationship (her call) due to differing political views, but she's since graduated college and grad school, is out in the real world and seems to have made a great effort to re-establish the relationship. We'll see how it goes next year in the election.

Son, oldest, is not a talker and hasn't been since the 4th grade (something happened that year, and he just kind of stopped talking much). He lives 400 miles away and doesn't spend much energy to be part of the family, and I generally only hear from him in the summer (Father's Day, July birthday), otherwise little to no contact. Nothing at Thanksgiving or Christmas last year, and we've only seen him about 2 days' worth since the Fall of 2017. I don't expect that one to change any time soon.

It's interesting reading the highs and lows others of you are experiencing. I had a fantastic relationship with my Dad, who passed in December at 91. We could talk for hours. Same with my Mom, who is 87 and still alive -- we talk generally once a week and DW and I see her 2-3 times per month. I never thought I wouldn't have the same relationship with my kids -- ignorance was bliss until the kids grew up!

 

[davebarnes]

Age 71.
Daughter, son-in-law, and grandson live 8.2 miles away.
She and her mother talk on the phone every day.
We see them 2-3 times a month.

 

[DrRoy]

60 yo boomer dad, 2 sons in early 30's. They live a couple miles away and come over for dinner once a week. We also hear from them if they have particular car trouble.

 

[TheHobbit]

As a “childless” son (some sort of disease or affliction?) of a boomers, why the distinction? Is the expectation that we are able to communicate more frequently due to having no kids?

For reference, I visit 2-3x per year and talk with my mom maybe 2x per month. Politics have unfortunately strained my relationship with my father but we are on otherwise good terms, we never were the “lovey dovey” father son thing many have or aspire to, I've always been closer to my mom since I was a kid.