Traumatic events were my blessing

[Finally FI]

Over my life, I've realized that the great place we are in now, including but not limited to FI and RE, has been shaped by many events that seemed horrific at the times they occurred.

• Finding myself alone and penniless as a young adult embedded a financial paranoia that drove a LBYM life and a home purchase at 26 to assure a roof over my head
• A bad accident as a young adult rerouted my life completely to a much better path
• A few extremely unhealthy previous relationships led to being ultra-picky about my next life partner and finding my wonderful DW, and has made me appreciative of her every single day
• Losing 82% of my first investment in the dot com crash by FOMO buying in 1999 and selling at the bottom a year later gave me the wisdom to understand my investments and to hold through every subsequent downturn
• Having friends, family members, and acquaintances get sick and die from stress and unhealthy lifestyles pushed my lifetime of exercise and de-stressing choices
• An absolutely horrific boss at work during a recession when changing jobs wasn't an option pushed me to back to college to finish a degree that resulted in a great lifeline career

I can go on, but you get the picture.

Is this common here, or did most of you figure it out without any pain?

 

[LateToFIRE]

Sure, there's a lot to be learned from trauma but I dunno, I think I could have done without quite so much of it and still come out as a decent, productive human being. Now, I gotta spend the equivalent of a mortgage payment on therapy to resolve the after-effects.

 

[Aerides]

Every disappointment I had along the way (missed promotion, bad relationship, etc.), I was able to look back not long afterwards and realize that I was in a better place and path than I would have been had those things worked out as I wanted them to at the time.

This is why I rarely do regrets or coulda shoulda. I have far more "phew, dodged that!" to look at.

 

[Major Tom]

Finally FI - you did something that not everyone is able to manage - you learned from your misfortunes, and used that knowledge to craft a better future outcome. Some folk just use these experiences to convince themselves, and all the unfortunate people around them, that life sucks. And for those people, it usually does; they have created their own reality. You created your own reality - a far better one. Good for you!

 

[pacergal]

I worked very hard to turn some extremely sour lemons into lemonade over the years.
I am still standing strong, with a wonderful husband, kids and grandkids, and extended family nearby.
I am thankful every day.

OP-- congratulations on overcoming your painful events and learning from them.
It's not always easy.

 

[FIREd]

I can surely relate. I recently realized that each distressing event in my life had provided me with the fuel needed to make big, positive changes with long-lasting benefits.

 

[Koolau]

One thing is certain: NO ONE goes through life pain-free. What we do with that pain is one way we should measure ourselves.

I have gone through life attempting to avoid pain in the first place. Though I've not always been successful, I think I've done reasonably well at it. The down side is that I could have been (and had) a lot "more" - whatever that means. But I'm satisfied with the way things have w*rked out. I would say I've been blessed to avoid a lot of the pain OP mentions. Part of that was "luck" (which I call blessing) and part was intentional life choices on my part. No criticism intended as I've never walked in anyone's shoes but my own. YMMV

 

[Gumby]

The worst year of my life was the first year after I left home at 18. I wouldn't want to live that year again, but it has given me valuable perspective. I can honestly say that every year since has been better than the year before, and I'm pretty darned happy now.

 

[jollystomper]

In retrospect I have not experienced any severe traumatic events from my view. But I saw plenty growing up around me, and developed a "that could happen to me" attitude that kept me from entering into situations that could have turned out to be traumatic.

Some might feel (or have tried to make me feel) that me being born and growing up a dark skinned minority in America by itself comes with many traumatic events. Fortunately my parents did not raise me to feel that way, but raised me instead on how to seek out and pursue opportunities that would more than overwhelm any potentially "trauma" I might have experienced from that perspective .

 

[Stormy Kromer]

The worst year of my life was the first year after I left home at 18. I wouldn't want to live that year again, but it has given me valuable perspective. I can honestly say that every year since has been better than the year before, and I'm pretty darned happy now.

I left home at 18 with $212 in my bank account. I lived with an abusive older brother and my parents enabled him. He was (still is) a mean, drug addicted, alcoholic, physically and mentally abusive SOB.

Best thing I ever did was to get out. 40 years later he is still abusive to me and the rest of his family. The difference now is none of us live near him and won't let him near us.

A notice to everyone. If you are being abused it is NOT going to get better on its own. Get out. NOW.

 

[retire to nature]

my marriage opened my eyes to real world with narcissists and the divorce made big jump financially since I can invest in my way. And I know what you guys are saying too. But I wish less traumatic life. I see my pets from baby adoption which were no traumatic at all in my care are so comfortable and relaxed and trustful 24/7. On the other hand, some chicken hens I adopted in adult are always nervous and flee taking human as a threaten. I can see their mistrust and I see myself at times from all the bad experience from my life.

 

[yakers]

Maybe I 'learned' something from from stage4 throat cancer (survival gratitude?) but a lesson I wish I skipped.

 

[LateToFIRE]

Maybe I 'learned' something from from stage4 throat cancer (survival gratitude?) but a lesson I wish I skipped.

Yeh, not all trauma is good trauma. Sorry you had to go thru that.

 

[ERD50]

As I try to teach my kids:

A smart person learns from their mistakes, a WISE person learns from other's mistakes. It's a lot less painful.

But it seems there are some things you just need to learn for yourself.

-ERD50

 

[38Chevy454]

Good point about learning from what life throws at you. Sometimes you are just wrong place at wrong time, sometimes you affect the outcome. Being able to see what's happening and then do things to affect the outcome are what separates those that can or have learned from life. Or as suggested, even better to be an observer and learn form watching others.

In my life, I have generally came out better after some traumatic event. You don't always know the outcome, but you can have confidence that you will persevere and do your best effort to make the outcome better than it could have been.

 

[Koolau]

Maybe I 'learned' something from from stage4 throat cancer (survival gratitude?) but a lesson I wish I skipped.

Heh, heh, my jury is still out. But I have learned a lot as you suggest but wish I could have skipped it.

Even worse was DW's cancer just after we adopted 3 kids. Her chances were not good - but she beat the odds and is a good grandma now. I still thank God for her survival. Amazing how things become crystal clear in such situations. Looking back, it was a real "growth" time for our family but I keep thinking there must be an easier way.