Unusual and Sad Situation

[Teacher Terry]

Yes my husband is retired. She is too ill to travel alone. She can barely walk. The one son would drop everything in a heartbeat if he knew she needed someone to go with her. We find out today how long they will be gone for. If she goes for treatment she will need to go alone. We are not going to get involved caring for her. It’s a one time accompaniment. We were helping some good friends of ours when he got cancer and she had Alzheimer’s. We helped for over a year and it took over our lives but we loved them. This center has a good reputation and they may be her last chance. We have had dogs that couldn’t be boarded for various reasons because they were rescued and had tons of issues.

 

[Bir48die]

Wow sunset what could she have possibly done to warrant that reaction?

He was just recounting the Good Samaritan parable. Not!

 

[Offgrid Organic Farmer]

OP you are doing the right thing.

 

[Rianne]

This predicament makes me uncomfortable in so many ways. We don't have children and if DH passed and I was in a similar predicament, would I reach out to someone I'd had ill relations? What would the conversation be like in the car? Actually, there are a couple of family members I do not know what I'd do in this situation. Bad history just bubbles up.

I will say, this situation will occupy my thoughts for a very long time.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Her only friend won’t take off from work. The center is paying for them to fly. We have been to weddings and other events together and were able to be nice to one another so I imagine that this will be the same. The one son could do it and should because he has been milking her for money for years. It appears they had a falling out at Xmas this year. She has always favored him and he treats her shitty and it came to a head.

 

[Chuckanut]

I agree that you are doing the right thing.

But, she does sound like a Crazy Maker from what you described so make sure you and your hubby don't become responsible for all her problems. Set some boundaries.

Groups that support the families and friends of alcoholics and drug users have some good literature on how to set boundaries and not let their disease ruin your life.

 

[l8_apex]

Regarding the pet allergy - have you tried taking an allergy pill? I'm mildly allergic to cats, so when I need to keep my mother's cat at my house while she's away I take 12-hour Claritin every 12 hours.

Might make a difference, might not.

Kudos for helping.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I am on 3 medications for asthma and allergies. I can pet the dog but can’t touch the cat. I am a licensed social worker so know how to set boundaries. If she needs further care as a nurse she knows how to set up hospice, etc. Plus once the good son is done with his training in 8 months he would certainly help.

 

[Katiek]

I agree with the majority of the posts here. You are doing a very nice thing and it is a generous gift to your step son and to your husband who may still feel some responsibility. But also be careful to make sure the situation doesn't become too much and don't feel bad about saying no when you think "no" is the right answer.

 

[SumDay]

You are a far better person than I.

That said, I agree with everything Aerides said.

While I support you for doing the "right thing", I think your BS meter should have triggered for some checking first.

What cancer center refuses someone because they are alone? I would have asked for the info and done a bit of research, and I'd still do that now after you've agreed. I'm sure they recommend you have a family member or someone with you, but they just say "Nope" otherwise?

What pets "can't" be boarded? You mention later these are 3 dogs. There are plenty of pet sitting services. But if your DH is doing the trip with her then this is the least of it.

Either way..what happens next would be my question. Presumably this first visit is for diagnosis and options, but that could then mean treatment and many more trips. Spend the time now getting a lot more info before the 7th trip request.

 

[Omega]

I think you are doing a beautiful thing, and such a great example for the two sons.

 

[Teacher Terry]

He doesn’t feel any responsibility towards her since she divorced him 22 years. It was amicable until he met me and then she wanted him back. When that didn’t happen she got vindictive.

 

[Teacher Terry]

So I checked as suggested and she must come with a caregiver. Which means if she decides to have treatment she will need to hire someone to accompany her.

 

[gwraigty]

He doesn’t feel any responsibility towards her since she divorced him 22 years. It was amicable until he met me and then she wanted him back. When that didn’t happen she got vindictive.

Given the above, I'm suspicious that your DH is the only one she could ask to do this. She's given you both enough grief and reasons not to trust her in the past.

 

[Teacher Terry]

She has been nice the past 4 years and we know she only has 1 friend.

 

[Texas Proud]

I can understand.... there is no doubt that you are being "put upon" more than you should given the history and the relationship... but OTOH, she is in a real bad spot and you are doing the right and generous thing by agreeing to help her.

Maybe you can think of it as really more stealthly helping the step-son that would break his special military training if she told him.

Can you care for the animals in her place?

+1 on this.... you are doing it for your son's mother... not her specifically...

 

[Teacher Terry]

That’s a great way to look at it. I am so proud of my step son as his goal has always been to be a pilot. He joined at 17 , got a degree and at 28 finally reached his goal. He was almost too old for the slot. I don’t want anything to jeopardize it and he has a huge heart. We raised him the second half of his life.

 

[kgtest]

My husband’s ex came over today to ask 2 favors. For background information I met my husband after he was divorced for a year with 2 boys ages 8&10. She made our lives a living hell dragging us to court repeatedly and lying to the kids. Fast forward 20 years and about 4 years ago started to be nice when we saw her. She has stage 4 cancer and has exhausted local options. She wants to go out of state to a special cancer center but they won’t see her without a companion. She has no one to go with her. One son self centered like her. The other would go but it would jeopardize the special military training he is undergoing so not telling him. So she asked my husband to go with her and me to care for 3 animals I am allergic to and can’t be boarded. We said yes with no hesitation but after she left I have mixed feelings. I feel we should do it but sometimes really wonder seriously if my empathy gene is too big since I really feel for people in bad situations. Anyways it just brought up old resentments that I thought were forgotten.

My sister just met other DS in NY to see a cancer team. Had she not gone with sister, she might not have received the life-sustaining treatment.



I would say if someone with cancer asks you to accompany them to an appointment, try to accommodate it as they might not be around next year.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I wish your sister all the best. We didn’t even consider saying no.

 

[Mdlerth]

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those

We said yes with no hesitation

Our first reactions probably are the ones that most honestly reflect our hearts.

but after she left I have mixed feelings... it just brought up old resentments that I thought were forgotten

I often turn to humor in times of emotional distress. Maybe a lighter take might ease your mind also. Imagine that on each of your shoulders there is a little cartoon TT whispering advice. The one wearing a red jumpsuit and carrying a tiny pitchfork tells you that the ex is still the spiteful harridan of old, and revenge is the best dish when served cold.

The one with the halo and harp says the ex is a broken, frightened, fellow human being, casting about for any shred of support in the face of her own mortality.

Hope this helps. Pax vobiscum.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Mdlerth, your post made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

 

[Sunset]

Wow sunset what could she have possibly done to warrant that reaction?

It was a reaction to the blanket statement of "mother of ...." concept that since that occurred, the person deserved help no matter what because they have cancer.

Some folks may just be lucky enough to never know true evil.

It was not directed to Jerry1.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Yes this woman is not what I would call pure evil. I get that some people are. Life is complicated and not always black and white.

 

[Scrapr]

My sister just met other DS in NY to see a cancer team. Had she not gone with sister, she might not have received the life-sustaining treatment.



I would say if someone with cancer asks you to accompany them to an appointment, try to accommodate it as they might not be around next year.

Very true.When Mrs scrapr went in for an endoscopy. 10 minutes later they come out and say we found a large mass. She was moved to ER and then to a room on the oncology floor. She has no memory of about 4-5 hours. She was participating in decisions and talking coherently. She came to when there were about 4-5 docs around her bed in the ER asking if she wanted to go in now for surgical insertion of a feeding tube

I am at virtually all appointments asking questions. It really helps to have a second ear there digesting the news and opinions on treatments

 

[Brat]

Your husband should also explore what resources are available to help his former wife at this stage in her life. She may be eligible for residential hospice care if her treatments are not successful.