Unusual and Sad Situation

[mystang52]

Don't be an enabler.

It is time to pull up stakes and focus on your own life, wants, and desires.

+1

 

[aja8888]

I did something like this with my ex when she was dying of diabetes and had a stroke. Before it was over (her passing), it almost ruined my current marriage. I don't think my current wife has ever gotten over it. I should have let DD (by my ex) handle it all.

Good luck to you, TT. I hope you really know what you are getting in to.

 

[Teacher Terry]

She really didn’t want anything other then to tell my husband herself and she wanted my advice as a social worker. Chemo can cause dementia and she wanted to discuss quitting chemo versus continuing. So since she’s a nurse I started asking her how long she will live without versus how long for her dementia to kill her and maybe think about a middle ground which isn’t now. They decided they were not telling the youngest until he graduates in December from his specialized training because he is struggling somewhat. Thanks for the support everyone.

 

[CardsFan]

She really didn’t want anything other then to tell my husband herself and she wanted my advice as a social worker. Chemo can cause dementia and she wanted to discuss quitting chemo versus continuing. So since she’s a nurse I started asking her how long she will live without versus how long for her dementia to kill her and maybe think about a middle ground which isn’t now. They decided they were not telling the youngest until he graduates in December from his specialized training because he is struggling somewhat. Thanks for the support everyone.

You are in a tough spot, and I commend you for being there for someone who was not so agreeable to you. I know you went through this with some friends (from previous posts), so you already know how hard it is.

I think it IS important for the kids to see their Dad as supportive to their Mother.

I don't know what I would do in your circumstances, but I would hope I would have the Grace to be as caring as you. God bless you.

 

[MarieIG]

I did something like this with my ex when she was dying of diabetes and had a stroke. Before it was over (her passing), it almost ruined my current marriage. I don't think my current wife has ever gotten over it. I should have let DD (by my ex) handle it all.

Good luck to you, TT. I hope you really know what you are getting in to.

It's one thing turning your back on an ex. It's another thing turning your back on your child.

 

[ivinsfan]

She really didn’t want anything other then to tell my husband herself and she wanted my advice as a social worker. Chemo can cause dementia and she wanted to discuss quitting chemo versus continuing. So since she’s a nurse I started asking her how long she will live without versus how long for her dementia to kill her and maybe think about a middle ground which isn’t now. They decided they were not telling the youngest until he graduates in December from his specialized training because he is struggling somewhat. Thanks for the support everyone.

TT you are not HER social worker..and you also aren't a doctor. This is suck them into my world 101...you are a giving person and she sees that.

 

[MarieIG]

You are in a tough spot, and I commend you for being there for someone who was not so agreeable to you. I know you went through this with some friends (from previous posts), so you already know how hard it is.

I think it IS important for the kids to see their Dad as supportive to their Mother.

I don't know what I would do in your circumstances, but I would hope I would have the Grace to be as caring as you. God bless you.

Very well put.

 

[Katsmeow]

I will be a contrarian and say that I really didn't find what she said to you to be manipulative. I mean, yes, she is asking for help/advice but she is in a truly desperate situation and it doesn't sound like she is in a good situation and probably doesn't have long to live. I am not saying she is a good person. I have no opinion on that. She just sounds alone and desperate to me. Desperate enough to be asking advice of her ex-husband's wife. Honestly I don't find the requests she has made so far all that awful given her situation and that your husband is the father of her children. I don't think you have the obligation to help her at all, but if I was in her situation I would be trying to get help from wherever I could possibly get it. And, since she is the mother of your husband's children I would expect that he would want to do what he could to help for their sake.

Again, I am not saying you have any obligation to do anything. But, it doesn't seem awful or manipulative to me that she is asking for the help.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks Kat, and my husband said she can be manipulative but I am okay with supporting her at this point. If it turns into something more we can say no.

 

[Sarah S]

Re the FTD diagnosis. I do know someone who received the diagnosis based on a scan. Neurocognitive testing was normal and she is still ok a year later. In her case she is a genetic carrier for a familial form and remains terrified

I hope this poor woman doesn’t have it for her sake as well as yours.

 

[ivinsfan]

I will be a contrarian and say that I really didn't find what she said to you to be manipulative. I mean, yes, she is asking for help/advice but she is in a truly desperate situation and it doesn't sound like she is in a good situation and probably doesn't have long to live. I am not saying she is a good person. I have no opinion on that. She just sounds alone and desperate to me. Desperate enough to be asking advice of her ex-husband's wife. Honestly I don't find the requests she has made so far all that awful given her situation and that your husband is the father of her children. I don't think you have the obligation to help her at all, but if I was in her situation I would be trying to get help from wherever I could possibly get it. And, since she is the mother of your husband's children I would expect that he would want to do what he could to help for their sake.

Again, I am not saying you have any obligation to do anything. But, it doesn't seem awful or manipulative to me that she is asking for the help.

The problem is based on past history getting involved with her is a no win situation. Having said that, the old adage, this time is different might really be true. TT says clearly that TT is feeling very stressed out by the situation which in my mind is enough for her to cutoff contact. TT lost her job, had some physical issues and has enough on her plate for now, she should just take care of herself.

 

[youbet]

Thanks Kat, and my husband said she can be manipulative but I am okay with supporting her at this point. If it turns into something more we can say no.

Are you looking at this as being your husband's decision and you'll be there to support him within limitations? Or are you getting involved in a way that points to you having some sort of connection to his ex independent of your DH?

Despite the difficulty and awkwardness of the situation, I think your husband is doing the right thing and I applaud you for supporting him to the extent you are able. I can't picture your DH and his sons standing at his/their ex's/mother's casket and being proud of having "kicked her while she was down," even if she might have deserved it. I think for the balance of their lives, they'll feel better about themselves for having helped than they would have felt about themselves otherwise. If you support DH and the boys, to whatever limitations you decide on, you'll likely feel better about yourself too.

As an example of supporting your DH and his sons, consider your meeting with his ex in your unofficial role of a professional social worker sharing a bit of your expertise. Don't consider this as having been you directly supporting DH's ex but rather as you supporting DH, a favor to him.

Good luck with all this.

 

[youbet]

TT says clearly that TT is feeling very stressed out by the situation which in my mind is enough for her to cutoff contact. TT lost her job, had some physical issues and has enough on her plate for now, she should just take care of herself.

Clearly, TT must consider her own well being in deciding what she should sweep onto her own plate in her efforts to support DH and his sons in this uncomfortable situation. If she must cutoff contact, explaining to DH and the boys that they must handle this without any of her involvement due to her own issues at this time would be key.

 

[Moemg]

The only thing that would give me pause is many Cancer patients live years after they are given terrible diagnosis . You may be dealing with this for years to come so be careful what you sign up for.

 

[Teacher Terry]

She is going to schedule neuro-cognitive testing to see what stage she is at. If the youngest were living here she probably would have just leaned on him during this time but with him gone she is struggling. Honestly my husband isn’t much help in discussing these issues as this is not his field although he tries. If she just needs to talk to someone occasionally we can do that. I got stressed thinking she wanted something more. But I am not going to turn into her new best friend. I am going to keep a eye on my BP , see how much she contacts me and then decide what to do.

 

[GravitySucks]

It's a hard row to hoe.
I would also try to frame it as Youbet said "Don't consider this as having been you directly supporting DH's ex but rather as you supporting DH, a favor to him. "

 

[Aerides]

Thanks Kat, and my husband said she can be manipulative but I am okay with supporting her at this point. If it turns into something more we can say no.

Not so easy (and you said that two weeks ago before the first trip). You are hooked on the bait now, and the more she reels you in the harder and harder it will get to say no.

She appealed to your ego and sense of compassion with wanting to talk to a social worker? PFFT, if she really wanted a social worker, given she's in the medical profession, she knows that it should NOT be someone she knows already. Defeats the purpose.

 

[gwraigty]

TT you are not HER social worker..and you also aren't a doctor. This is suck them into my world 101...you are a giving person and she sees that.

+1

The problem is based on past history getting involved with her is a no win situation. Having said that, the old adage, this time is different might really be true. TT says clearly that TT is feeling very stressed out by the situation which in my mind is enough for her to cutoff contact. TT lost her job, had some physical issues and has enough on her plate for now, she should just take care of herself.

+1

Are you looking at this as being your husband's decision and you'll be there to support him within limitations? Or are you getting involved in a way that points to you having some sort of connection to his ex independent of your DH?

Despite the difficulty and awkwardness of the situation, I think your husband is doing the right thing and I applaud you for supporting him to the extent you are able.

Since the latest installment in the saga involved the ex texting TT, it sounds like she's becoming more involved than DH, who wouldn't even tell his ex they wouldn't meet (Post 91). From the OP, TT was asked to temporarily care for animals that she's allergic to. Then it progressed to regularly walking the dogs (Post 60). TT said she was "going to step out of the picture" (Post 83). Then TT's asked to sit on a board the ex is on (Post 91). IMO, TT is becoming way more involved than DH.

Clearly, TT must consider her own well being in deciding what she should sweep onto her own plate in her efforts to support DH and his sons in this uncomfortable situation. If she must cutoff contact, explaining to DH and the boys that they must handle this without any of her involvement due to her own issues at this time would be key.

+1

The only thing that would give me pause is many Cancer patients live years after they are given terrible diagnosis . You may be dealing with this for years to come so be careful what you sign up for.

Yes. My mother was given 6 months to live upon her cancer diagnosis in 1980. She finally passed away from the cancer in 1991.

 

[gwraigty]

Not so easy (and you said that two weeks ago before the first trip). You are hooked on the bait now, and the more she reels you in the harder and harder it will get to say no.

She appealed to your ego and sense of compassion with wanting to talk to a social worker? PFFT, if she really wanted a social worker, given she's in the medical profession, she knows that it should NOT be someone she knows already. Defeats the purpose.

Another +1 from me.

Here's something to think about: What if this woman had no family to rely on? What would her options be then? There must be some, right? She can look into those options.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I declined being on the board and we volunteered to walk the big dog because we miss our big guy. I doubt that will ever work out because the poor thing is so damaged that he won’t leave the bedroom and won’t go outside for any reason.

 

[Brat]

TT I suggest you involve a non-family social worker. Tell the X that it is in her best interest to have an independent opinion and ideally one who has experience with the type of illness she is dealing with. That consultation should be covered by her health insurance.

Basically, I agree with Aerides.

 

[Teacher Terry]

So we are basically just taking care of the 3 pets. Did it for 6 days and she texted saying she was going to have to return Benji because he couldn’t be boarded. We talked and decided we would do it for the 11 days she is gone starting Tuesday. He is starting to come out of his shell so hoping by the time she dies he is adoptable. I wish I wasn’t so allergic or we would take him. My allergies and asthma are so much better since our big guy died that I cannot go back. Anyways things are fine.

 

[ivinsfan]

TT very nice of the two of you to do this. I know a lot of us have talked about karma and a lifetime of bad behavior leading to your stepsons Mom basically dying alone.

No one ever enters adulthood with the intent of alienating every person that has ever loved or cared about them. I'm pretty sure no one's bucket list includes dying alone and friendless. People get selfish, mentally ill, have issues with stress and anxiety or just can't cope. You have no obligation to help someone with these issues, but the compassion you show say more about you then it does about her.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks Ivan. I am no longer stressed about it. I think it was too much at the time because of my job loss, etc. My contract work has picked up and we reduced our expenses to match the reduction in income so things feel better.

 

[Teacher Terry]

If you can believe it the big dog that won’t leave the bathroom we put a harness on him and walked him for a few blocks. If I wasn’t allergic we could give him a great home. Our hope is that by the time his ex dies we have him ready to be adopted. We are doing it for the dog.