(Venting) About Family

[scrabbler1]

Threads like this are half of the education, and three quarters of the fun, of visiting this site!

Stories about people are so much more entertaining than whether to pay off the mortgage, when to take SS, or what is the ideal AA.

In my situation, all my in-laws are bland, responsible, and financially secure. No rap sheets, no drugs, no bankruptcies, no vicious divorces. They are what used to be "normal", although we live in a strange era when "normal" includes a surprisingly wide spectrum.

But never fear, my wife's in-laws, i.e. my family, can be counted on to bring the drama. You name it and it's been done among my relatives... probably multiple times. And when that happens, it's a comfort to read threads like this one. It reassures me that I'm not alone in coming from a family awash in head cases.

Pretty bland, here. I am single and childfree, and my brother is married with one kid, nearly 15. He is wealthier than I am with no problems or dramas. The 3 of them live 200 miles away, so I rarely see them. My dad, my ladyfriend, and I used to visit them every Thanksgiving, but the last few years they haven't hosted, sometimes going elsewhere (to the SIL's family further away).

Other relatives live scattered all around the country, mostly on the west coast and southwest regions. I rarely see them or have contact with them any more. It's more my doing because I have no interest in Facebook where they are all at. Most are married with kids and are leading stable, middle-class (or better) lives. Being the nearly only one single and childfree (and retired at 45) would make me feel like an oddball anyway.

My ladyfriend's family has plenty of drama, though. But I am insulated from that. I have met some of her relatives only a few times in the 14 years I have known her, as they all live out of state, and WELL out of state at that! Lots of struggling and dysfunction there. When I went to her home state to visit them, I felt like I was on another planet.

 

[brewer12345]

I used to manufacture excuses to try and get out of family functions entirely, or at least be able to leave early. Now, more and more, I don't even bother; I just say "I won't be there".

I don't enjoy being a "jerk" or putting my wife in awkward situations with her family. But after enduring these people for 35 years, I'm less inclined to exercise tact and diplomacy, and too old to waste a nice day trying to make small talk with people I don't like.

DW's two sisters, mother and step mom are all within 50 miles of us. Mostly we get along quite well, but eldest SIL is frankly mentally ill, a manipulator, and fairly bright (dangerous combination). She married a piece of excrement who turned out to be the most consummate narcissist I have even had the misfortune to encounter (and I worked on Wall St.), whom she divorced late last year after a ridiculous 3 year process. I despise the wheedling manipulation that has gone on, but I especially cannot stand former BIL. Since he is finally an ex, this year I declared that any family events he was at I would not attend. You would have thought I started eating babies. Eldest SIL started In with the usual "won't someone please think of the children?!!!" routine. I stood my ground. Done with at least him.

Much rescheduling of typical holiday events happened since nobody else had enough of a spine to call a spade a spade. On the plus side, MIL re-examined her relationship with eldest SIL and realized how much she has been manipulated. She tried counseling with eldest SIL and it did not work, so MIL ended up going to Al Anon meetings because they help people deal with manipulation and enabling (exactly what has gone on for at least a decade). I am pretty sure I am the skunk at the garden party, but I simply do not care. Done suffering in silence.

 

[dixonge]

We used to have adult parties - one of our good friends occasionally brought her child, but she was a cutie and never a problem, usually just slept in the next room or guest bedroom. Otherwise, no!

 

[marko]

With all due respect, I'd be more concerned that SIL called from the hospital asking your wife about your homeowner's policy and you not knowing about it immediately.

 

[jollystomper]

From the information provided, it seems that the issue is not so much bringing kids to the party as this incident being the straw that broke the camels back.

Family dynamics are different, in mine this would not be a big deal. Primarily because, though DW and I both have "interesting" family members, none have done enough things to cause us to rant. Some have even apologized for past behavior.

In addition, many have gone out of their way to treat us nicely. Sometimes one forgets the helpful things when dealing with a situation.

Perhaps it is a cultural difference, as DW and I were not raised in an "American" culture. I do not see this one isolated incident as something worth ranting about. However, if it is the latest in a string of perceived incidents, then the rant is understandable.

 

[donheff]

The cell phone issue is nuts but I am with Fuego on the family/kids issue. I can't remember having family over when kids were outlawed. It's family. Who the heck wants a cocktail party with family?

 

[brett]

Get over it. It is part of the package deal.

 

[street]

I have always envied people with large family's. I think it would be great to have all these relatives to have family and do things with.

We have a only a couple relatives left and only one son so our family is very small. It seems the more family people have the less they see them people or have anything to do with them or have issues being around them. LOL

Maybe not having all that family is better or really no different then having a large family. I say that because they don't care for one another anyway and don't want to be around them like I would of imagined having a lot of relatives/family.

 

[audreyh1]

With all due respect, I'd be more concerned that SIL called from the hospital asking your wife about your homeowner's policy and you not knowing about it immediately.

This!

 

[Chuckanut]

IIRC, kids were always part of family gatherings.

However, my parents were smart enough to realize that bringing their kids to a gathering that had no other kids would mean they would be babysitting us for the entire time and thus, it would not be much fun for them.

I assume if your relatives brought their kids, then these relatives would watch them, care for them, monitor their behavior, etc. etc. etc. and not expect others to do it. Right?

 

[Danmar]

'You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.' Many families have a black sheep, you can go along with it, or you can stand your ground. Simple, not easy.

So true. My wife’s sibs also dubious. Luckily the prime offender lives 2,500 miles away. My sibs not much better. Best solution is probably to minimize contact to the extent you can.

 

[CoolRich59]

I assume if your relatives brought their kids, then these relatives would watch them, care for them, monitor their behavior, etc. etc. etc. and not expect others to do it. Right?

They'd promise to keep an eye on their kids, and then would proceed to let them run wild. That's the behavior I've seen in the past.

 

[CoolRich59]

With all due respect, I'd be more concerned that SIL called from the hospital asking your wife about your homeowner's policy and you not knowing about it immediately.

The wife and I had a frank discussion about this.

The way it was spun to my wife: "that's what insurance is for; you've already paid for the insurance, why not get the benefit?"

My too-trusting wife accepted this story at face value and didn't think to ask why they didn't just let their own medical insurance handle it. Nor did she realize that it would impact our premium.

 

[Snidely Whiplash]

My wife just called me. One of her sisters is now asking if they can bring their kids with to "play with their cousins" during the party.

Great! Tell obnoxious SIL that you have some belated Christmas presents for the little darlings! A couple of puppies (not housebroken) and many noisemaking toys to take home with them!
.
.

 

[Bestwifeever]

The wife and I had a frank discussion about this.

The way it was spun to my wife: "that's what insurance is for; you've already paid for the insurance, why not get the benefit?"

My too-trusting wife accepted this story at face value and didn't think to ask why they didn't just let their own medical insurance handle it. Nor did she realize that it would impact our premium.

And didn't think to mention it to you. Wonder what else is going on that you don’t hear about.

You’re actually lucky there wasn’t a friendly lawsuit filed because “insurance would settle it, so why not get that benefit too?”

 

[W2R]

Great! Tell obnoxious SIL that you have some belated Christmas presents for the little darlings! A couple of puppies (not housebroken) and many noisemaking toys to take home with them!
.
.

Perfect! Also a whole stocking full of sugary candy, to eat on the way home after the party. By the time they get home they should be so hyped up on sugar they'll be driving their parents wild.

 

[CoolRich59]

And didn't think to mention it to you. Wonder what else is going on that you don’t hear about.

Most definitely. My wife thought it was such a non-issue that she didn't even mention it to me (and my guess is that this was how it was presented to her by her sister). But, part of the frank discussion we had was that I be kept informed, and I will decide what's a non-issue and what's not.

You’re actually lucky there wasn’t a friendly lawsuit filed because “insurance would settle it, so why not get that benefit too?”

As far as I was concerned, filing a claim against my insurance was virtually the same as suing me.

 

[athena53]

As far as I was concerned, filing a claim against my insurance was virtually the same as suing me.

I'm guessing this was the "Medical Payments" coverage in your Homeowners policy; it's designed specifically to avoid lawsuits by offering an immediate payment for minor injuries suffered by someone on your property without going through the courts to determine who was at fault. When a friend's stubborn 4-year old ignored orders that he NOT jump off the side of our diving board for the nth time and ended up needing staples to close a gash in the back of his head, I offered that coverage to the friend, figuring it might save him deductibles and co-pays on his health insurance policy. He thanked me but refused.

I agree, though, that this was something that your wife should have discussed with you (I certainly told DH before I offered our coverage) and it was beyond chutzpah for your SIL to call and ask for the information.

 

[ivinsfan]

Most definitely. My wife thought it was such a non-issue that she didn't even mention it to me (and my guess is that this was how it was presented to her by her sister). But, part of the frank discussion we had was that I be kept informed, and I will decide what's a non-issue and what's not.


As far as I was concerned, filing a claim against my insurance was virtually the same as suing me.

This is extreme..Ive gotten letters from my HI after an er or urgent care visit asking specifically if the treatment was due to an accident or injury and asking for details..am I supposed to lie..

 

[MRG]

This is extreme..Ive gotten letters from my HI after an er or urgent care visit asking specifically if the treatment was due to an accident or injury and asking for details..am I supposed to lie..

No don't lie. It's a standard question. They want to know if your getting money to recover those expenses. In many areas and plans you will be asked to reimburse them if a third-party pays too.

 

[ivinsfan]

No don't lie. It's a standard question. They want to know if your getting money to recover those expenses. In many areas and plans you will be asked to reimburse them if a third-party pays too.

Well exactly how is asking if a family member has accident insurance coverage the same as suing them

 

[athena53]

No, don't lie. It's a standard question. They want to know if you're getting money to recover those expenses. In many areas and plans you will be asked to reimburse them if a third-party pays too.

OK, I hadn't thought of that. If SIL was asked about the circumstances of the injury and the hospital/doctor asked about whether the OP and his wife might have homeowners insurance, yes, the SIL would have been right to call and ask the OP's wife. Medical providers try to prevent "unjust enrichment" (collecting more than your expenses by filing claims with two parties). If, in the example I posted earlier, my friend's son had $1,000 in expenses and his health insurance paid $750 after a $250 deductible, the friend would be entitled to collect only $250 from my insurance. The other $750 would go from my homeowner's insurer to his health insurance company after the health insurer paid its $750.

Something similar happens for auto accidents or work-related accidents- they find all the applicable coverages and then co-ordinate them.

Still, I'm surprised the OP's wife never mentioned it to him.

 

[MRG]

Well exactly how is asking if a family member has accident insurance coverage the same as sueing them

I have no idea what you are talking about! Look at my post! I simply stated what a normal process for an insurance company is!

I'm not looking for an emotionally charged discussion.

 

[HadEnuff]

Just curious, how old are the kids? If they are old enough to blend in and enjoy adult company, and not be intrusive with their own "needs", that would be a different matter than if they are young and likely to become bored in an adult environment, and change the dynamic of the get together with their own agenda.

I understand the rant, but I would have no problem advising the SIL that since there are no cousins to play with, and that since this is intended to be an adult get together, most likely boring for young children, the answer is "no, don't bring the kids".
If she can't handle it and chooses not to show up, I think that falls into the category of a "win-win".

 

[ivinsfan]

OK, I hadn't thought of that. If SIL was asked about the circumstances of the injury and the hospital/doctor asked about whether the OP and his wife might have homeowners insurance, yes, the SIL would have been right to call and ask the OP's wife. Medical providers try to prevent "unjust enrichment" (collecting more than your expenses by filing claims with two parties). If, in the example I posted earlier, my friend's son had $1,000 in expenses and his health insurance paid $750 after a $250 deductible, the friend would be entitled to collect only $250 from my insurance. The other $750 would go from my homeowner's insurer to his health insurance company after the health insurer paid its $750.

Something similar happens for auto accidents or work-related accidents- they find all the applicable coverages and then co-ordinate them.

Still, I'm surprised the OP's wife never mentioned it to him.

That question also come in a letter from the insurance company where they say they have some questions about your recent claim. It also ask if it was a work related injury. This was after my DH had an ER visit that ended with a hospital admission.

In fact the comment the family member made " it is part of your homeowners insurance" is correct and in my case there were no 3rd parties involved. I might even guess the insurance companies simply handle this among themselves once they have the relevant info.

Perhaps the OP's spouse knows he's not too fond of this relative and didn't want to get into a discussion over something she had no control over.