(Venting) About Family

[CoolRich59]

//Rant on///

I love my wife dearly, but her family ... not so much.

My wife comes from a big family. Most of them still live in the area and they are the primary group we socialize with.

We invited the siblings over for a wine and cheese party tomorrow night and 4 couples will be coming.

My wife just called me. One of her sisters is now asking if they can bring their kids with to "play with their cousins" during the party.

Umm, what cousins? My kids are grown up and gone; we have been empty nesters for several years now.

But, more to the point, while we did not specifically say "no kids", isn't that kind of a given that a wine and cheese party on a Friday evening is for adults?

Maybe I'm over-reacting, but this particular sister has a history of doing stuff like this and it bugs me.

// Rant off //

 

[travelover]

When the kids show up, give them a drink spiked with a couple of benadryls. Wake them up when it is time to go home.

 

[ab620]

When the kids show up, give them a drink spiked with a couple of benadryls. Wake them up when it is time to go home.

This!

 

[powerplay]

This sister really doesn't know your kids are grown and gone? Wow, it's hard to know what to say about that, but maybe ask them to get a baby sitter and leave the kids home.

 

[CoolRich59]

LOL -- but I'd prefer not to even have them in my house.

Several years ago, we used to alternate hosting the family Christmas party with one of the other siblings. One Christmas, one of this sister's kids fell and smacked his head on a corner. Nothing major, but he was going to need some stitches.

Fast forward to my next insurance renewal and my homeowner's premium had gone up. I called and asked why and the agent tells me it's because of the liability claim.

What liability claim?

Turns out this sister had taken her kid to the emergency room for stitches, called my wife, who helpfully gave her the name and number of our insurance company, and the sister filed a claim to have my homeowner's insurance foot the emergency room bill.

Yeah, that was a fun day.

 

[razztazz]

I never got married because I was not able to fine a compatible female who was good with money, and an orphan

 

[CoolRich59]

This sister really doesn't know your kids are grown and gone? Wow, it's hard to know what to say about that, but maybe ask them to get a baby sitter and leave the kids home.

No, she absolutely does. Which is why I said "Bull****" when my wife called and asked me.

I said "She knows damn well there aren't going to be any kids here. She's just too cheap to get a babysitter. Tell her if she thinks a family gathering with everyone's kids is a good idea, then she can schedule it and host it at her house."

 

[Midpack]

I said "She knows damn well there aren't going to be any kids here. She's just too cheap to get a babysitter. Tell her if she thinks a family gathering with everyone's kids is a good idea, then she can schedule it and host it at her house."

Exactly. What's wrong with a polite "no, this is for adults?" If the sister can't manage a babysitter, she can stay home. You invited her, the ball is in her court.

 

[Tallman4123]

yup, the answer should be "no, adults only." My two-fold guess is that the other couples would appreciate it and the sister with the kids will be a no-show.

 

[CoolRich59]

Thanks for letting me vent. Now that I've got my blood up, I'll bore you with one of my other *favorite* stories with this sister.

Back when cellphone carriers had all those goofy contract requirements where you'd be locked in for a year or two for each line you had on your plan, my daughter decides to move away and drop her line. There is only a month or two left, so no problem.

Then the wife's sister callswith idea that one of her older kids could "take over" the line, extend the contract, and pay me a prorata portion of the bill each month.

My initial response: NO WAY. But, in the interest of martial harmony, I gave in. Niece gets a phone and the contract is extended for another year.

Fast forward 6 months. The wife calls. Seems her sister is at the Verizon store and needs my password to "make a change to the account".

Umm, no, she cannot have my password. What is she trying to do? Seems the niece now wants an iPhone. She and her Mom had the idea of using the phone discount from one of the other lines to get a subsidized iPhone and extend the contract on that line for another year.

I said 'No'. In a huff, the sister says "It's our line and we can do this if we want". I replied, "No, it's not "your line". That's why Verizon won't make any change without my permission".

Since I refused, she and the niece opened a new account and dropped the line. I was left paying for the remainder of the contract year for the unused line. But, I did so gladly because it was worth it to get rid of them.

 

[Ed B]

I have some relatives/in-laws that think this way. Is this SIL the baby among her siblings? It wouldn't justify her behavior but I am curious if your experience matches mine in this way.

Thanks for letting me vent. Now that I've got my blood up, I'll bore you with one of my other *favorite* stories with this sister.

Back when cellphone carriers had all those goofy contract requirements where you'd be locked in for a year or two for each line you had on your plan, my daughter decides to move away and drop her line. There is only a month or two left, so no problem.

Then the wife's sister callswith idea that one of her older kids could "take over" the line, extend the contract, and pay me a prorata portion of the bill each month.

My initial response: NO WAY. But, in the interest of martial harmony, I gave in. Niece gets a phone and the contract is extended for another year.

Fast forward 6 months. The wife calls. Seems her sister is at the Verizon store and needs my password to "make a change to the account".

Umm, no, she cannot have my password. What is she trying to do? Seems the niece now wants an iPhone. She and her Mom had the idea of using the phone discount from one of the other lines to get a subsidized iPhone and extend the contract on that line for another year.

I said 'No'. In a huff, the sister says "It's our line and we can do this if we want". I replied, "No, it's not "your line". That's why Verizon won't make any change without my permission".

Since I refused, she and the niece opened a new account and dropped the line. I was left paying for the remainder of the contract year for the unused line. But, I did so gladly because it was worth it to get rid of them.

 

[CoolRich59]

I have some relatives/in-laws that think this way. Is this SIL the baby among her siblings? It wouldn't justify her behavior but I am curious if your experience matches mine in this way.

No. She's in the middle of the pack.

My theory is that she's acquired this behavior from her husband, who is a piece of work of his own.

 

[Midpack]

'You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.' Many families have a black sheep, you can go along with it, or you can stand your ground. Simple, not easy.

 

[braumeister]

As the old saying goes, if you loan someone $20 and never see them again, it's money well spent.

 

[DCJennifer]

Thanks for letting me vent. Now that I've got my blood up, I'll bore you with one of my other *favorite* stories with this sister.

Back when cellphone carriers had all those goofy contract requirements where you'd be locked in for a year or two for each line you had on your plan, my daughter decides to move away and drop her line. There is only a month or two left, so no problem.

Then the wife's sister callswith idea that one of her older kids could "take over" the line, extend the contract, and pay me a prorata portion of the bill each month.

My initial response: NO WAY. But, in the interest of martial harmony, I gave in. Niece gets a phone and the contract is extended for another year.

Fast forward 6 months. The wife calls. Seems her sister is at the Verizon store and needs my password to "make a change to the account".

Umm, no, she cannot have my password. What is she trying to do? Seems the niece now wants an iPhone. She and her Mom had the idea of using the phone discount from one of the other lines to get a subsidized iPhone and extend the contract on that line for another year.

I said 'No'. In a huff, the sister says "It's our line and we can do this if we want". I replied, "No, it's not "your line". That's why Verizon won't make any change without my permission".

Since I refused, she and the niece opened a new account and dropped the line. I was left paying for the remainder of the contract year for the unused line. But, I did so gladly because it was worth it to get rid of them.

My you ARE A SAINT! If you give in once they may always find a way to inch in further. You are only taken advantage of if you allow it. It is good that you stood your ground. Now they won't come to you again. You wife needs to get with the program and not even ask you to allow such things.

 

[FUEGO]

In my extended family it would be considered rude to not allow the kids to be there if you're getting together at someone's house to hang out. Like unthinkably rude. Or maybe I'm totally clueless and have been rude by bringing kids to family things in the past. We're also a pretty low brow bunch.

Of course all of my siblings and siblings-in-law all have one to four kids, so there's approximately a $hit ton of crying screaming kids having fun at every single family event. They also have these things called tablets and phones and TVs and computers and video games and the outdoors that are often good for entertaining those little brats for hours on end.

YMMV of course, and I suppose you and your extended family know the dynamics within your own family better than I do (which is zero ) so you're probably in the right. Is the in law bringing the kids the only one of the couple with kids too young to leave at home alone for an evening? Maybe they can't or don't want to spring $50+ for a sitter for the evening? Couldn't "play with the cousins" mean kids of other siblings (assuming there are some)?

We've similar "misunderstandings" in my wife's family when one sister in law wants to do something classy/fancy and others don't realize it (they're all immigrants = not accustomed to the upper middle class white culture). Then the sister in law gets frustrated that others don't go along with her fancy ideas. Or a different sister in law will throw a rival event the next day since the fancy event wasn't to her liking or to their traditions.

 

[Mdlerth]

Misery loves company

Threads like this are half of the education, and three quarters of the fun, of visiting this site!

Stories about people are so much more entertaining than whether to pay off the mortgage, when to take SS, or what is the ideal AA.

In my situation, all my in-laws are bland, responsible, and financially secure. No rap sheets, no drugs, no bankruptcies, no vicious divorces. They are what used to be "normal", although we live in a strange era when "normal" includes a surprisingly wide spectrum.

But never fear, my wife's in-laws, i.e. my family, can be counted on to bring the drama. You name it and it's been done among my relatives... probably multiple times. And when that happens, it's a comfort to read threads like this one. It reassures me that I'm not alone in coming from a family awash in head cases.

 

[W2R]

Family will drive you nuts if you let them. Somebody I know said somebody they know heard a psychiatrist say, that if it weren't for his patients' families, he wouldn't have any patients.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Best of luck. If it was my family, I'd be tough and set firm boundaries, but each family is so different! It's hard to know what to advise.

 

[Choices]

Threads like this are half of the education, and three quarters of the fun, of visiting this site!

Stories about people are so much more entertaining than whether to pay off the mortgage, when to take SS, or what is the ideal AA.

In my situation, all my in-laws are bland, responsible, and financially secure. No rap sheets, no drugs, no bankruptcies, no vicious divorces. They are what used to be "normal", although we live in a strange era when "normal" includes a surprisingly wide spectrum.

But never fear, my wife's in-laws, i.e. my family, can be counted on to bring the drama. You name it and it's been done among my relatives... probably multiple times. And when that happens, it's a comfort to read threads like this one. It reassures me that I'm not alone in coming from a family awash in head cases.

Yup, know what you mean. Folks asks how the holidays went and I have been known to answer “ pretty quiet, no shots fired”. They typically do not inquire further

 

[Hillbilly]

If I didn't know better, I'd guess they didn't want to be invited in the first place......and by involving the kids, don't really want another future invite.

 

[Jmo1969]

Next time tell your wife your friend was going to give you some cannabis so you don’t know if it would be appropriate to have the kids around but if they were ok with it, it would be ok.
Then tell her your friend fell through when they get there.

 

[Ready]

Just curious, why do you choose to spend a lot of time socializing with these family members if they create so much grief for you? Wouldn't it be better to build a group of friends who you enjoy spending time with and don't have any negative family related issues to deal with?

 

[retiringby50]

As the old saying goes, if you loan someone $20 and never see them again, it's money well spent.

Threads like this are half of the education, and three quarters of the fun, of visiting this site!

Just want I was thinking.

 

[FrugalMcDougal]

My you ARE A SAINT! If you give in once they may always find a way to inch in further. You are only taken advantage of if you allow it. It is good that you stood your ground. Now they won't come to you again. You wife needs to get with the program and not even ask you to allow such things.

Agree! You shouldn’t have to be the heavy. DW should be setting boundaries. After all, it’s her family!

 

[CoolRich59]

Thanks everyone for letting me vent.

As the saying goes, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

I grew up in a small family and have a circle of friends I've known for years; some for my entire life (I was "introduced" to one of my best friends at 3 months old). On the other hand, my wife comes from a big family and grew up socializing almost exclusively with her family.

I think the main difference between us is that, while she is aware of the issues with her family members, she is good-natured to a fault and will overlook and explain away the things they do. Consequently, some people - especially her family - will take advantage of her generous nature. So, it usually falls to me to put my foot down and say "No" to people imposing themselves on her.

(For example, we live about 25 minutes from O'Hare airport. Several times members of her family would drop their cars at my house and have her shuttle them to and from the airport. Free parking and free limo service courtesy of my wife. She would never say "no" to any of them, so I was the one who said "no more".)

The good thing about getting older is that it's easier for me to say "No".

Just curious, why do you choose to spend a lot of time socializing with these family members if they create so much grief for you? Wouldn't it be better to build a group of friends who you enjoy spending time with and don't have any negative family related issues to deal with?

Great question. I actually socialize with them as little as required to maintain martial harmony.

I used to manufacture excuses to try and get out of family functions entirely, or at least be able to leave early. Now, more and more, I don't even bother; I just say "I won't be there".

I don't enjoy being a "jerk" or putting my wife in awkward situations with her family. But after enduring these people for 35 years, I'm less inclined to exercise tact and diplomacy, and too old to waste a nice day trying to make small talk with people I don't like.