working wife w/retired husband support group

gizmo

gizmo

Dryer sheet wannabe
Joined
Dec 17, 2010
Messages
16
Location
hampton
ok ladies

don't know if this has been done here before but I thought it would be fun to "share" the experience of working with a retired husband by outlining a few things:

how much longer do you plan to work
how long has he been retired
what does he do that drives you crazy
what does he not do that drives you crazy
did he take over some of the "chores" on his own or did you have to push
does he want you to retire soon
do you have any special plans to do together when you are both retired

I'll go 1st with mine:

*I hope to retire by the end of this year
*He has been retired since aug 2010
*He is lost in the "world of warcraft"-I get confused during some conversations until I realize he is talking about it not real life!:nonono:
*He won't plan & prepare dinner butwill start something before I get home if I suggest it & it is something fairly simple-btw he does know how to cook
*He has not decided yet to take over any chores-but he does help a little(I am hopeful that this will change some after he decomposes )
*I think he wants some time in retirement alone-I know better than to come up with any "honey-do" lists as he would just ignore them
*We would love to visit all the national parks & as many state parks as possible before we get too old for the RV thing
 
gizmo said:
*He has not decided yet to take over any chores-but he does help a little(I am hopeful that this will change some after he decomposes )
Click to expand...

Hmm, Freudian slip, or something a bit more...sinister? Perhaps I'll just let my wife retire first. ;)
 
I think it depends on whether the guy reached FI mostly by himself or not. If not, he should definitely be doing his share and then some of the chores until both are FIRE. If he did reach FI mostly by himself, he should be allowed to enjoy the fruits of his labor. Obviously, this applies in the reverse gender situation as well.
 
gizmo said:
ok ladies

*He has not decided yet to take over any chores-but he does help a little(I am hopeful that this will change some after he decomposes )
Click to expand...
That should definitely change things. :)

ha
 
In about 23 months, my wife will have the good fortune of living with a retired husband! (me)

I'll have her come on here afterwards & answer the questions.
 
martyb said:
I'll have her come on here afterwards & answer the questions.
Click to expand...
Marty, please have her register under a separate user name. We've had a few couples use the same account for posting and the "he said/she said" issues can get really confusing...
 
Gizmo:

If you can just compose yourself for this newsworthy item...

It seems that you have a severe case of RHS

Retired husband syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This syndrome was identified and coined by Dr. Nobuo Kurokawa[2] and first appeared in a presentation of his to the Japanese Society of Psychosomatic Medicine in 1991.[3] It is a condition where a woman begins to exhibit signs of physical illness and depression as their husband reaches, or approaches, retirement.[2]
Dr. Kurokawa has theorized that RHS is a result of the fact that many of Japan's citizens who are reaching retirement age, 60,[2] are members of the Baby Boomer generation of Japan. The members of this generation were expected to meet certain social requirements: that the man should be the breadwinner and work to support his family, and the woman was to be not only a homemaker but also to show a level of adoration for her salaryman husband as reward for his bringing in the money she used to look after their children and socialize with her friends.[2][3]
As the husband's career as a salaryman can demand long hours away from home, both working and socializing with other salarymen and their bosses as is expected, a husband may leave home in the early hours of the morning and return home late at night.[2][3] This could mean that a husband and wife may not interact extensively and when a husband retires both members of the couple can feel they are living together with someone who is a virtual stranger.[3]
This can be a particularly stressful experience for the woman who, as society dictated in her youth, is expected to attend to her husband's every need and can find this a very large demand indeed.[3] The stress this change in life style brings can lead not only to the above listed symptoms,[2] but also to a level of resentment felt toward her husband.[3] Some couples have been known to separate over RHS, however divorce is uncommon as it is not considered an acceptable option for that generation of Japanese.[2][3] Also currently an ex-wife has no rights to a portion of her husband's pension should they get divorce, and therefore may be unable to survive financially (though this is set to change in 2007).[2]
Some women deal with RHS by focusing their energy on obsessions such as collecting teddy bears, or following a celebrity,[2] which they say can help them psychologically. They may also ask their husbands to stay on at work past retirement age.[2] Many wives do not tell their husbands what is happening[2] and this can worsen the stress as their husbands may not understand or even realize their wives are RHS sufferers.
Click to expand...
 
gizmo said:
how much longer do you plan to work
how long has he been retired
what does he do that drives you crazy
what does he not do that drives you crazy
did he take over some of the "chores" on his own or did you have to push
does he want you to retire soon
do you have any special plans to do together when you are both retired
Click to expand...
Well, DW doesn't really post here; but since she worked for 2 years after I retired I know I can let you know how she would respond (she retired June 2010.)

2 years
he retired June 2008
he drives me crazy because he just seems to good to be true :angel:
he never complains about me waking up early (6:00 AM alarm :mad:) and always sends me off with a cheerful smile (then rolls over in the bed)
he has taken over lots of chores such as: makes his own coffee each morning; brings in paper; answers phone and takes messages (mostly); doesn't make large messes (mostly).
he wants me to retire when the recession is over (which I did!)
he wants me to take back over most of the chores when I retire.

Well anyway I'm pretty sure that's how she would have responded. :cool:

t.r.
 
ProspectiveBum said:
Originally Posted by gizmo
*He has not decided yet to take over any chores-but he does help a little(I am hopeful that this will change some after he decomposes )
Click to expand...
Hmm, Freudian slip, or something a bit more...sinister? Perhaps I'll just let my wife retire first. ;)
Click to expand...

:ROFLMAO:

My DW is not so optimistic ;)

I also noticed that this was all in the negative (but maybe I'm sensitive to this):

what does he do that drives you crazy
what does he not do that drives you crazy
Click to expand...

How about "what has he done to make your life even more wonderful since he retired". Leave plenty of space :whistle:

-ERD50
 
MasterBlaster said:
Gizmo:

If you can just compose yourself for this newsworthy item...

It seems that you have a severe case of RHS

Retired husband syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Click to expand...

I met a Japanese woman of this generation at a happy hour. She had been in the US without her husband for 3 months. She was getting ready to return to him, but already planned several more trips back here to visit a son, and to go to Grand Canyon, etc.

So perhaps she found away to alleviate her RHS syndrome?

An aside- she said she liked Seattle because of all the sushi and sashimi and because most the people she saw were not fat. Fat people semed to freak her out a bit.

Ha
 
I retired 31 Dec 2010.
He retired one year and four months before me.

Lots of things drive me crazy but not much new to retirement.

What does he not do that drives me crazy. Ummm, he doesn't worry enough; leaves that to me. He doesn't initiate; but wants to join my initiations.

Chores - well not entirely voluntary while I was working. I made waiting on me hand and foot as condition of his retirement. And he came through but I am easy and I didn't abuse it. He got up early every morning, made and packed my lunch, made my breakfast, then sat at the window with the dog waving goodbye. It took some hard pushing on my part to get him started on fixing up the house to sell but, if I defined tasks very well, he got them done or paid to have them done. Too high a ratio of paid labor to his labor in my opinion but I didn't dictate how he accomplished the chores. Dinner was waiting when I got home. He did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I was an unanointed queen for a year and four months.

He thought my retirement decisions were all my own but seemed glad I retired before I had said I was going to.

We had no plans past moving to Bellingham, WA where we are currently located. I had bought a house; we dumped all our household goods; and flew non-stop with dog in cargo (poor baby). We have been here about two weeks and buying furniture, making changes to the new house, and getting to know our new home have occupied our time. But, strangely, he still does most of the cooking, cleaning, washing, lifting, etc. and I get to do the worrying, budgeting and buying. Not bad.
 
I retired 4 yrs ago but relapsed to ESR after 4 months -- plan to retire later this year
DH retired something like 11 years ago
He'd like me to retire when I want to
He voluntarily took over ALL chores - cooking, cleaning, laundry, getting up with me to make my breakfast and pack my lunch, ...

ERD50 said:
:ROFLMAO:

How about "what has he done to make your life even more wonderful since he retired". Leave plenty of space :whistle:

-ERD50
Click to expand...

He's happy and unstressed almost all the time. This makes my life even more wonderful.
 
DH ER'd a little over a year before I did. My work was crazy stressful and included a lot of travel...get home Friday afternoon, leave Sunday night or Monday morning. He really had two choices: I could clean the house, do laundry, etc. and be majorly tired and grumpy, or he could take over the household duties and we could play all weekend. We played a lot! When I ER'd we followed through on our post retirement plans. BTW, post retirement division of labor is about even.
 
finding this very interesting as my DH is retiring in June 2011 and me in June 2012. We have a plan.

Now, i am wondering if THE PLAN will really pan out as PLANNED. (He does all the cooking and cleaning and fixing the house up to sell while i skip off to work and back again).

maybe i am naive. It sounded so good when we came up with it.;)
 
I work part time, 2 hours a day. DH retired in June, 2010.

I plan on working for a few more years. I enjoy my job and all the income goes to savings.

What drives me crazy is that he leaves lights on everywhere he goes. He's always been like this, it's just around me all the time now instead of just evenings. It's not a big deal, it just reminds me how much he still needs me as his teammate.

What I love about him being retired is that he brings the groceries in from the car!! And lately he's taken on cleaning the bathroom which is fantastic.

The best part about him being retired is that he's so relaxed and available. It's nice to see him hanging around the house and enjoying himself. He's realized I need my space and my alone time and he doesn't interfere.

During this neverending winter we're having he's been like a kid who gets to go play in the snow. It turns out he loves to shovel and he's been doing our driveway, sidewalk, the neighbor's sidewalk and front steps. After the plow goes by he goes back and cleans up our driveway apron and the apron for a few other people who haven't come home from work yet.
 
Gizmo, I plan to work for quite some time after DH retires and he better have a better program than your husband, or else he'll be decomposing in a damn hurry!

I would expect lots of household chores to be done as well as keeping up with the "man duties" of tractors and repairs. I'll continue to cook/grocery shop, as I like that stuff. I think that a man gives you clues long before he retires as to what his contributions to the household will be. And you give them clues as to what is acceptable without righteous indignation.

Ha, see how good you have it? I have had many folks tell me that DH won't really retire, because it is easier to work for a paycheck than to work for me!
 
My working wife doesn´t speak English, let alone write it:). My version of what she thinks? No initiative on my part:). I´m -moderately-at her disposal, I´m hoping for easy non-stressful chores:). The truth is that she has given up on me:).
On the other hand I try to be as an unobtrusive and undemanding as possible. And I try to make her laugh and amuse her:) to compensate. But I´m afraid it´s not enough.....:blush:.
 
Interesting.

How many wives that ERd with the husband still working picked up the man duties?

:D
 
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