I chose FIRE about five years ago. In retrospect, it would have been better for me, my wife, and my kids if I had chosen the latter. Once I realized my mistake I tried sincerely and with a great deal of effort to fix it. Unfortunately, it was, to quote my now ex-wife, "Too little, too late."
SecondCor.. do you mean "the former" of your two choices would have been better? [1=w&k, 2=FIRE]... Either way, thanks for sharing.
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T. Al.. couldn't find (quickly) who you were quoting..
Quote:
If a woman showed up on these boards, and told the exact same story ... we would be all over "what a bum he is, dump this lazy free-loading slob, talk to your barracuda of choice now!"
but..
a.) it's not clear how long and hard she REALLY works (we only have the cat-hair carpet and the OP's declaration of her not living up to her "performance" standards which, aside from the carpet and not getting a f*'ing job.. are not described).
b.) cleaning toilets and ironing shirts is not "the gravy train" some make it out to be. Once you've cleaned your share of toilets/carpets, it's not like you have the satisfaction of reaching new, unplumbed, toilet/carpet-cleanings depths/heights. No one asks you to author toilet/carpet-cleaning papers or conduct toilet/carpet-cleaning conferences in interesting foreign locales, all expenses paid.
c.) MY story IS "the exact same story".. or it COULD be, except it's different. My husband works when he can and when he feels it's worth it, based on the circumstances. His sacrifices and contributions, while not blinding or earth-shattering, I still appreciate greatly (the OP has ceased appreciating, apparently, many non-dollar-denominated family contributions). I still wouldn't trade my DH in for a "higher-performing model" (financially speaking).
[Where performance counts, he's A-OK, btw 
]
Just listen to the mechanistic sound of this:
capable of making at least $80k annually if she went back to work now and more if she is able to excel (which she did when she was working right out of college). But instead she simply stays home most of the day and shuttles the kids around if they have a practice or something.
I cannot bear the thought of me continuing to bring home hundreds of dollars each day while she stays home
She is responsible for performing the household duties.
HE couldn't get through to HER:
I think a strong man would have been much less tolerant of the behavior.
HIS choice was for the high-stress/high-pay/quick-ER job..yet now he presents HIS WIFE with the series of ultimatums in order to keep HIM on track.. even though a job with a lower salary could give him a breather +ER, just not as quick.. or he could work part-time himself and still save a goodly amount (thanks, not only to his hard work, but to her implicit thrift/non-spendiness on behalf of 3/4 of the family).
SHE is spending more modestly than 99.9% of stay-at-home moms with theoretical access to that kind of dough.
HE needs to cool his jets.
The BRIGHT light is:
I have discussed with her the prospect of just quitting my job and living in squalor with her to equal things out (which she wasn’t totally opposed to)...
I glossed over this!:
I was thinking a divorce notice burning party, coupled with a trip to Las Vegas or New York where we could renew our vows and not involve the state this time.
Yeah, THAT's a pretext ANY woman would LOVE for a party/vacation!!
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ok, I wrote all this and, reviewing it, had a flash of recognition.
Mr. HK1970.. may you be a person suffering from Asperger's syndrome?
My young nephew has this disorder (looking back, so do several college friends).. and has the same tendency to perseverate on arcane subjects (he is stuck on planetary moons for now; you are stuck on your super-ER finances and divorce calculations) in preference over other, more personal and subtle, life issues.
My nephew and old friends have the same tendency to a "utilitarian" perspective: "Mommy,
I don't think I know how to use the cat." .."
I just talked to XYZCorp's secretary, and she was completely broken." (i.e., "she didn't give me what I wanted when I called".)
Your first post on your wife mentioned that the one thing she was capable of was transporting your children to "practices or something".. it didn't sound like you knew or cared what.. maybe you do, but perhaps it is not in your nature to express it. You seem to describe her, not as a person.. but according to her
functions, or marginal lack thereof.
This might even explain some of
your wife's behavior, since I have read a lot of Asperger's message boards where posting spouses and other relatives seem to have a high frequency themselves of either Asperger's OR of OCD, ADD, and so on. It's possible you gravitated towards each other due to a subconscious sympathy based on your generally (proven) high capacity for achievement and intelligence.. yet persisting social different-ness?
Some signs of Asperger's can include perfectionism, and it most usually does comport trouble communicating and reading/interpreting other people's emotive states.
From my experience of my nephew, I can say that connection is difficult. He does see the world in 2 dimensions: "what's in it for me" and "what is Right and Wrong". He has VERY strong feelings as to what's Right and Wrong.. and they often cripple him, since he can't easily or fluidly modify his definitions based on context or circumstance. If a kid cut in line (even yesterday) he will abruptly punch that kid in the eye.. that kid is "wrong". If the teacher reprimands him, SHE is "wrong" and he will ORDER the principal, saying "you MUST replace or remove Mrs.X, because she is a bad teacher!". At age 5. You have to laugh and cry. I have a lot of stories.
Of course there is a whole spectrum of people who are afflicted with this to differing degrees, among whom many have perfectly fulfilling lives, loves, spouses, jobs, children, and the whole 9 yards. Yet an Asperger's sufferer (in my 5-cent Lucy vanPelt opinion) would consider -very easily!- a divorce-relinquishing party/vacation a completely normal, rational thing to be weighed and considered.. while most of us would recoil in horror.. It could be why the OP's kids play an invisible role in his description (not to say his feelings) of the situation.
They (Aspies, as they say) just don't understand "us" (the NTs.. the "neuro-typicals"), and we don't understand "them".
If anyone is interested, I found the site "Wrong Planet" to be a good introduction.. as many posters there are Aspies.
Wrong Planet - Asperger's and Autism Community
Some Aspies seem to be proud of being different, and think the world at large should operate differently to suit their needs. Others openly acknowledge desires and difficulties in learning (usually by rote) how to perform basic reciprocal social exchanges in order to get by, since everything for them is so literal and mechanistic.
If you, or both you and your wife, seek counseling it might be an aspect to raise or to keep in mind.
If, Mr. HK1970, you see absolutely nothing of yourself in any of this, I apologize. This condition has been on my mind lately. I hope I not to have offended you by reading too much into things.. and I sincerely wish you, your wife, and your children the best of luck in your life's journey.
Also, someone suggested that there may be provisions in the marriage laws for people who have contributed significantly more assets during a marriage… does anyone know more about this? Any ideas on how to present this to my wife in a loving, gentle manner? Again, I always welcome your thoughts, comments and suggestions. 
