Sarah in SC
Moderator Emeritus
Thanks for the book tip, 2017! I just put it on hold at the library. Always looking for good, interesting books to read and recommend.
How have you set up accounts for wife if you die first??
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Fedup
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
You can't count on being engineer. My husband has a Ph.D. in EE, but he doesn't have the temperament for it. His parents never did invest in stocks. His sister said stocks are risky so she only invests in real estate, only London real estate. Lucky for her, but had she bought real estate in Timbuktu, it would have been disaster.
I have not checked for real estate price in Timbuktu, I could be told I'm wrong.
I have not checked for real estate price in Timbuktu, I could be told I'm wrong.
marko
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DW will spend it all within the first 6 weeks so, no worries!
Seriously, we discuss this often and she generally knows where to/not to go and what/what not to do. We have a trusted family accountant who, at the very least, can easily figure out what was inside my head strategically.
Seriously, we discuss this often and she generally knows where to/not to go and what/what not to do. We have a trusted family accountant who, at the very least, can easily figure out what was inside my head strategically.
athena53
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2017ish did mention that the engineer was interested in investing. Dad, a metallurgical engineer, was my first good example. He started buying stocks in the 1970s, back when stock quotes were in the newspaper and you had to buy through Merrill Lynch. Engineers at least have the quantitative skills and are computer-friendly, both important skills for investing. I agree that's no guarantee that they're interested, though.
True, no guaranty. But confident in S1's case; he is far ahead of where DW/Me were at 28.
Im shocked that so many users here struggle with their partner when it comes to finances. Not sure how you can go through a lifelong commitment (for some) and not be on the same page when it comes to finances.
Doesnt matter who dies first in my relationship...it would not make a difference. Wife knows where to invest money, who to trust, who not to trust...guess it pays finding someone who can work as a team and is also independent.
Doesnt matter who dies first in my relationship...it would not make a difference. Wife knows where to invest money, who to trust, who not to trust...guess it pays finding someone who can work as a team and is also independent.
Sarah in SC
Moderator Emeritus
pony, I think for a lot of us, it is a division of labor sort of thing. DH does some stuff really well, has an excellent temperament for those things, and I have it for the finances. It isn't that we are one of those "traditional" couples from the golden days of yore, it is more like a desire for efficiency and optimal use of time and talent.
38Chevy454
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I think you are interpreting incorrectly. I don't think members struggle, it is more that we all have different interests and levels of involvement. Most of us did not reach FIRE status by not having a spouse with similar ideas and financial habits. But the details of the investments are not always part of both persons in the relationship. I could argue that the spouse who does not have interest is actually very committed to the long term relationship since they have trusted their spouse with taking care of things. The non-involved spouse is a big part of the team, just not the detailed investment part.
Just different interests. DW lets me handle the finances because I enjoy it and she doesn't. She feels confident that she could pick it up quickly if I got hit by a beer truck, and I feel confident that she's right.
As with other responses, not a struggle. Just comparative advantage. She is much better at making money than I am--compounded by my SAHD years. Because she is focused so much on her practice (and its finances), she delegated personal finances to me.
Fedup
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
My husband thinks he can handle everything. He did before married me. But I like finance and like to plan things. I enjoy doing spreadsheets, I love manipulate numbers. So I'm sure he'll be ok, just not as profitable.
athena53
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No struggle at all! DH cheerfully explains that I majored in Math while he studied English Literature so it was a no-brainer that I managed investments. I never make a major move without running it by him first since the outcome affects both of us, and we have similar risk tolerance levels.
We also have very similar spending and saving priorities, which is far more important than who actually makes the final financial decisions.
pb4uski
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+1 DW is not interested in it... I have no doubt she could do it if she had to... especially with DD's help... it is just that I cover it and she can spend her time on things she does better than me.
RetireAge50
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Everything is mostly on auto pilot so very little time spent. We both know everything that is happening. When one of us dies not much changes.
kaudrey
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
+1
But, my dad has told ME everything about their finances if he goes first; my mother wouldn't be able to handle it.
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Beardog
Dryer sheet aficionado
I'm the husband, but otherwise, this is exactly what I/we have done, and about once a year or so, when the wife voices some worries, I go back through the document with her, and make sure that everything is up to date. I have also listed a couple of wealth management/advising companies (whom I have previously researched) for her to interview and hire, upon my death, or if I become physically and mentally incapacitated at any time. I think it is much better to pay an honest amount for good money management/advice than to get ripped off by "friends and family".
SumDay
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I'm not shocked at all - actually this was comforting for me to read since I'm also in that boat. DH has NO clue, and doesn't want to learn either. I have a document for him and our adult children and I suspect they'll have to take over and call in the aid of our fee-only financial planner, who knows the situation and said she could get him set up on auto pilot for a ridiculously low one-time fee. She's much younger than we are, so I'm hoping she's still around if I kick first, but I doubt I will.
I can't fathom being so disinterested. Seriously, we could have $200,000 in credit card debt and he wouldn't know. I just wouldn't trust anyone to that extent with my future, not even my spouse. He's happy as a clam, so on we go. 'Tis what it is!
This is so familiar. I've joked with my wife, as I urge her to be more involved: "what if I go off with some hot young thing and take all the money?" Her response: "you won't."
Hmmm. Maybe she means, "You have no chance in hell of finding such a hot young thing"?
athena53
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Same here. DH knows me well, though; I'm a financial control freak, I refuse to carry a balance and pay credit card interest, and I'm still traumatized by living with a financially irresponsible first husband. He knows that if I buy myself something nice or we go on an extravagant vacation I've figured out how to pay for it and still keep us solvent.
Frankly, I don't think I could ever trust someone enough to yield that much control! I'm glad he does.
pb4uski
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It could be worse. Do you remember this thread?
http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f26/newbie-needing-advice-65995.html
I reached out to her with PM in April of 2015 to see how things were going be she never responded.
http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f26/newbie-needing-advice-65995.html
I reached out to her with PM in April of 2015 to see how things were going be she never responded.
Sarah in SC
Moderator Emeritus
Gosh, pb, I'd forgotten all about her.
This sends chills up my spine:
=========================
Well, he finally fessed up tonight. Turns out he lost everything in the 2008 crash because he was highly leveraged. He had dabbled with that a bit in his 20s then we agreed jointly that it wasn't good to do anymore, but he started back up. So, I guess you can see he's a bit like a gambler with an addiction. Anyway, he's been hiding it for 5 years, making up numbers, telling me lies, hoping to make it back. So, yes, I'm out probably about $600K and 15 years of squirreling away and living below my means, not to mention all the emotional crap that now comes with this.
========================
Can you imagine? So sad.
This sends chills up my spine:
=========================
Well, he finally fessed up tonight. Turns out he lost everything in the 2008 crash because he was highly leveraged. He had dabbled with that a bit in his 20s then we agreed jointly that it wasn't good to do anymore, but he started back up. So, I guess you can see he's a bit like a gambler with an addiction. Anyway, he's been hiding it for 5 years, making up numbers, telling me lies, hoping to make it back. So, yes, I'm out probably about $600K and 15 years of squirreling away and living below my means, not to mention all the emotional crap that now comes with this.
========================
Can you imagine? So sad.
pb4uski
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Yes, sad. I'm really curious as to how things turned out.. it sounded like they were on a good path with sassy taking over everything but radio silence since then.
athena53
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Shorty after DH and I married in 2003, we moved halfway across the country for my job (I'd been working from home for a year so DS could finish HS, then moved to HQ). My former house sold easily; his, unfortunately, took another year to sell, but the mortgage was manageable and we didn't need the equity since we were moving to a LCOL area.
When it finally sold and he got a check for $100K, he handed it over to me and said, "put it in your account- I don't want to deal with it". Our advisor was incredulous. "Does he know that if you deposit that check on your account and he wants it back, I can't send it to him?" I assured him that DH knew that.
So far he hasn't asked for it back.
He really did not want to deal with it.
When it finally sold and he got a check for $100K, he handed it over to me and said, "put it in your account- I don't want to deal with it". Our advisor was incredulous. "Does he know that if you deposit that check on your account and he wants it back, I can't send it to him?" I assured him that DH knew that.
So far he hasn't asked for it back.
He really did not want to deal with it.
Katsmeow
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We don't struggle with it and we are on the same page. But, DH trusts me to manage the money and I enjoy keeping track of stuff and doing it. He doesn't.
About 10 years or so ago we were having a discussion about division of labor. He does a lot of the stuff that is very "visible" when it is being done like doing stuff on the house or yard or running certain errands.
I handled the budgeting, bill paying and investments. That was all done on computer. So, he made a comment about him doing "more" than I did. So we switched some of our jobs around and he took on bill paying and budgeting and I took on some of his stuff. A month later, he came back and asked me to switch back. I managed to get the bill paying back on track (yes, he had missed a few) and I never heard a peep out of him again about his doing more than me.
I do discuss big issues with him. When I set the year's budget I go over it with him and get his input. If something unusual comes up I tell him the options and get his view. If there is a major investment change I want to make I talk to him about it. I always want to spend much more time on these discussions than he wants to spend.
