SO unemployed--how have you adjusted financially?

[kgtest]

I wrote down my own plan if I were to get laid off. It's numbered with steps I can do in chronological order.

Then I discussed it with my spouse. She has a similar "mental" list. I like to see it written down before my brain is at ease.

I think the second to last item is full sustainability on burritos and ramen only...
and finally...recycle the dryer sheets when sheet hits the fan.

Been there, bought our McMansion after draining cash for downpayment on home and 2 new cars after moving off an island of low-maintenance life...

So now we have 2 car payments we are 3months into and I am 1 month into paying the mortgage. I paid 1 mortgage payment and I lost my good paying job.

Took me 6 or 7months to finally reset. That time I did not have a written plan and I think it snow-balled and delayed my return to the workforce...but some of it is timing and I am super picky when it comes to where I work.

 

[CRLLS]

I really can't relate. DW and I had common funds. I know that is not your situation.

I would think that if he is ok for six months, this might be the time to start discussing what will happen then. If the answer is he will accept your offer, then why not accept it now?

 

[foxfirev5]

Sorry but I can't relate. DW and I had nothing when met met and even less when we were married. 42 years later somehow it worked out. Commitment is tough and if you think it won't work out bail now rather than later. Comments from the peanut gallery.

 

[Dtail]

My SO and I have been together for 10 years now. All expenses are shared. Technically, she is paying more earlier in retirement and I will be paying more later in retirement.

 

[Finance Dave]

As long as he’s trying and sincere about finding work, I see no issue with carrying more of the load temporarily. One thing I would NOT do is consider this a loan of any type. “The borrower is slave to the lender”, and knowing he owes you will only add to his stress.

If I was inhis position and you did help out more during this difficult time, I would see it as a sign of compassion and commitment and it would deepen my feelings for you and make me try even harder to find work...but I don’t know him so can’t say if he will experience the same feelings.

I hope things turn around for him.

 

[tmitchell]

As long as he’s trying and sincere about finding work, I see no issue with carrying more of the load temporarily. One thing I would NOT do is consider this a loan of any type. “The borrower is slave to the lender”, and knowing he owes you will only add to his stress.

If I was inhis position and you did help out more during this difficult time, I would see it as a sign of compassion and commitment and it would deepen my feelings for you and make me try even harder to find work...but I don’t know him so can’t say if he will experience the same feelings.

I hope things turn around for him.

I totally agree about things not being a loan. I also wouldn't want to have some one I love indebted to me. Thanks for your good wish.

 

[ivinsfan]

Sorry but I can't relate. DW and I had nothing when met met and even less when we were married. 42 years later somehow it worked out. Commitment is tough and if you think it won't work out bail now rather than later. Comments from the peanut gallery.

I don't get your point. This is an older couple with one person approaching ER. They maybe don't have 42 years to "work things out".

Maybe they will marry, maybe they won't. Even if do marry there is a very good chance they won't comingle assets and that has nothing to do with if they are "committed".

Your comment about "bailing now" comes off as pretty flip.

 

[Sunset]

We kept our finances separate as there was no reason to mingle them.

DW generally earned more than me, so she took on some of the bigger expenses (taxes, property tax) while I paid all groceries and restaurants, and most trips.

I think she has paid more, but our splitting of the bills is not formal and not calculated to be even/balanced/certain percentage.

On rare times I've paid taxes, and she has occasionally paid groceries when at the store with me.

We both approach money and (not) spending the same way, so there is zero worries about the other going crazy with buying.

We do discuss big ticket items a lot before buying, as we both know if one of us wastes money, it affects the other.

I've been in a mingled money relationship before with joint everything, turns out all that jointness does not mean the relationship is stronger/better/lasts longer.

 

[MarieIG]

Totally agree with your decision to avoid a loan. I believe that would raise his stress level, and hurt your relationship.

What you can do now, is pick up the discretionary expenses, i.e. if you want to order in dinner. Don't make a big deal about it. From what you have posted about him, I don't see him as a mooch. If he protests, you can comment, something (tactfully) to the effect that it will be his turn after he gets a job. (But frankly, as you are the higher earner and he is draining his savings, don't expect him to "make you whole" for the discretionary expenditures during this time. Understand that this is a gift.)

Since discretionary expenses are - well - discretionary, you have control over how much you want to spend.

As far as SO being laid off, he was laid off twice. He was depressed because he wasn't earning money. The first time I was going to school, had a part-time job (so wasn't making much) and three tiny kiddos. My parents helped us. The second time he was laid off I had a full time job, an emergency account and could cover expenses so that was less stressful.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

We pooled our finances at some point after living together and have always kept things that way since. We fought about who should pay for what when we had separate accounts, but rarely fight about money since we combined everything. We're both pretty frugal and are usually on the same page.

I quit a job I didn't like when we were living together but not married yet. DH covered all the bills until I found another job. It was just never even an issue for either one of us that he wouldn't automatically do that. I would have done the same for him had the roles been reversed.

 

[Finance Dave]

We pooled our finances at some point after living together and have always kept things that way since. We fought about who should pay for what when we had separate accounts, but rarely fight about money since we combined everything. We're both pretty frugal and are usually on the same page.

I quit a job I didn't like when we were living together but not married yet. DH covered all the bills until I found another job. It was just never even an issue for either one of us that he wouldn't automatically do that. I would have done the same for him had the roles been reversed.

IMO that’s the big key. If one is a spender and the other a saver, it likely would lead to conflict unless you have some ground rules. We pool our money, and for the most part we both think alike. But we have a safeguarding rule. If either of us wants to spend more than $200 on an item or at one time, that purchase must be discussed and agreed upon. And no game playing....for example I can’t buy 1 set of sockets for $125 one week and another set next week. We both honor this rule and it works well for us. She only put the stop on one time for me....when I wanted to buy a small fridge and build a kegerator in the garage �� (about $400 in total). I ended up taking on a few more handyman jobs to pay for it, but I very much respected her goal of keeping us within our budget. I never put a stop on her, but I did put a delay....she wanted to stain our privacy fence at a cost of $1,800....but we did not have it in the budget. We agreed to delay it one year and cut a couple other luxuries out to make room....so this worked out well also.

 

[folly]

I handled it in the past by having faith it would work out. I encouraged him to take a few odd jobs here and there and things just took off. He ended up in a new career and life went on. Working part time doing anything doesn't seem to impact unemployment in CA during COVID. I don't understand but my daughter collected and worked 1 day a week. That one day did a lot for her mental health. Anything that gets you out. New outlook on life.

 

[pacergal]

IMO that’s the big key. If one is a spender and the other a saver, it likely would lead to conflict unless you have some ground rules. We pool our money, and for the most part we both think alike. But we have a safeguarding rule. If either of us wants to spend more than $200 on an item or at one time, that purchase must be discussed and agreed upon. And no game playing....for example I can’t buy 1 set of sockets for $125 one week and another set next week. We both honor this rule and it works well for us. She only put the stop on one time for me....when I wanted to buy a small fridge and build a kegerator in the garage �� (about $400 in total). I ended up taking on a few more handyman jobs to pay for it, but I very much respected her goal of keeping us within our budget. I never put a stop on her, but I did put a delay....she wanted to stain our privacy fence at a cost of $1,800....but we did not have it in the budget. We agreed to delay it one year and cut a couple other luxuries out to make room....so this worked out well also.

This is our agreement also, and the same amount $200!
Works well

 

[tmitchell]

Totally agree with your decision to avoid a loan. I believe that would raise his stress level, and hurt your relationship.

What you can do now, is pick up the discretionary expenses, i.e. if you want to order in dinner. Don't make a big deal about it. From what you have posted about him, I don't see him as a mooch. If he protests, you can comment, something (tactfully) to the effect that it will be his turn after he gets a job. (But frankly, as you are the higher earner and he is draining his savings, don't expect him to "make you whole" for the discretionary expenditures during this time. Understand that this is a gift.)

Since discretionary expenses are - well - discretionary, you have control over how much you want to spend.

As far as SO being laid off, he was laid off twice. He was depressed because he wasn't earning money. The first time I was going to school, had a part-time job (so wasn't making much) and three tiny kiddos. My parents helped us. The second time he was laid off I had a full time job, an emergency account and could cover expenses so that was less stressful.

With Covid the whole “discretionary” part is pretty limited! Luckily our basic expenses are relatively low.

The depression part is real though. It’s hard for me to sit by and watch him struggle with limited interviews, and so far a handful of those not panning out for whatever reason. He’s trying to stay optimistic but I know it’s hard for him. It’s been a long time since I had major career struggles but I do remember what a bummer it was. Keeping my fingers & toes crossed 2021 pans out a bit better.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

IMO that’s the big key. If one is a spender and the other a saver, it likely would lead to conflict unless you have some ground rules. We pool our money, and for the most part we both think alike. But we have a safeguarding rule. If either of us wants to spend more than $200 on an item or at one time, that purchase must be discussed and agreed upon. And no game playing....for example I can’t buy 1 set of sockets for $125 one week and another set next week. We both honor this rule and it works well for us. She only put the stop on one time for me....when I wanted to buy a small fridge and build a kegerator in the garage �� (about $400 in total). I ended up taking on a few more handyman jobs to pay for it, but I very much respected her goal of keeping us within our budget. I never put a stop on her, but I did put a delay....she wanted to stain our privacy fence at a cost of $1,800....but we did not have it in the budget. We agreed to delay it one year and cut a couple other luxuries out to make room....so this worked out well also.

We have had to make some adjustments along the way. Once I suggested DH shop for a new TV since I wasn't really into electronic and didn't really care what we had. He stopped at Best Buy after picking one of our kids up at a birthday party and just bought the one he liked the most. Ten minutes of research and one store not known for the best prices for a $600 TV? I spent 2 hours price shopping a fancy brand of olive oil online yesterday. But I did tell him to pick out the TV he wanted so that was kind of my own fault. Now I think we agree we either decide together or he can pick out what he wants for major purchases, but I would like the chance to price shop for the best deal.

Actually our last new to us big screen TV I found on a freecycle type site and DH has been pretty happy with it.

 

[5Miler]

I think I can relate to how your SO feels about the issue. When DGF and I started living together about 27 years ago, she moved into my new home and I paid for all housing expenses such as mortgage, taxes, insurance and etc. DGF made less than $20K per year and I made many times that amount. After three years I was laid off for the first time in my life. I was ill prepared financially but still paid for everything although I had only enough financial resources to get me through the first three months as my severance was under litigation. Fortunately I found a suitable job in 8 weeks and then my severance was received.

Not sure what I would have done if it would have taken longer to recover. Liquidating 401k assets was about my only viable option after that but fortunately was avoided. I never once considered asking DGF for help (like she could afford it anyway). I did learn a valuable lesson and swore to never be caught in that financial situation again. I was laid off again from yet another megacorp 8 years later (two weeks after 9/11) but by then had the financial resources to go a couple of years without working if needed.

When I retired over eight years ago, DGF was making about $70k plus bonus. The house was paid off and neither of us had bills so at that point we split living expenses down the middle by funding a separate, joint account. It took me a bit to get used to the idea as I suppose I was raised with old fashioned ideas about supporting your family. Blame my parents, I do.

 

[Moemg]

Much like in a marriage, if one partner was unemployed, the other would reasonably take up the slack. Expenses are blurred anyway, yours and mine becomes ours once under the same roof, more or less. Given this is a newer partnership, the melding won't be as far along, but I'd expect the employed partner to take on the necessary expenses.

I'd treat this as a spell you'll get past, and accommodate as you'd expect if the tables were turned. .

IMO this is the best answer .