Was just curious what you as a parent would do in this situation

[MarshaSGreen]

It is apparent (and I am happy for you, truly) that many here have not experienced the excruciating emotional pain and trauma of having an adult child cut you out of their lives after rewriting family history. Its actually a “thing” now with several books written and FB support groups where misery loves company. Most people are loathe to talk about it as they will surely be judged (as in this post). Let’s just say with respect to the subject matter, 1) no one truly knows what they would do until they are personally faced with this issue; and 2) as one poster questioned, what does this have to do with early retirement?

 

[ivinsfan]

It is apparent (and I am happy for you, truly) that many here have not experienced the excruciating emotional pain and trauma of having an adult child cut you out of their lives after rewriting family history. Its actually a “thing” now with several books written and FB support groups where misery loves company. Most people are loathe to talk about it as they will surely be judged (as in this post). Let’s just say with respect to the subject matter, 1) no one truly knows what they would do until they are personally faced with this issue; and 2) as one poster questioned, what does this have to do with early retirement?

Why did you read it? ...


Why is grass green, why does Friday come before Saturday?



No question is off limits here or considered a wrong question.... or a dumb question.

 

[HMMY]

I want to spend money on the people I care about while I am around. Due to conservative money management, it's inevitable that I'll have a lot leftover, but I don't believe anyone is entitled to an inheritance. The one thing I don't want to do is create rifts among family. I have four siblings. They are equal beneficiaries of one account I have. The one sibling who is one of my best friends is the 100% beneficiary of a separate account. All my accounts have direct beneficiaries. These accounts will pass outside the estate. If I were estranged from my children, I would do something similar.

 

[jr6035]

In a heartbeat. These millenials need a wake up call.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

I hate to say it, but if a kid doesn't want a parent, they probably don't want an inheritance either. Or wouldn't get one from me. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

[Rambler]

We are spending the kids’ inheritance.

We always wanted to leave a good chunk of assets for them. But over the past few years, we have come to realize what they would do with it…both them and their spouses would quit working immediately and squander their respective portions. So, we are seriously beginning to spend more than our previous spending patterns would indicate. We are still pretty wise with our money management and thus something being left behind is inevitable. But, since we’ve decided to not help them ruin their lives with an oversized inheritance, we don’t feel bad or guilty anymore when we buy something that we want or that will make our lives more comfortable. Our point is two fold: Do things for and with them that we can all enjoy while we are still alive (it is hard to thank a dead person), and avoid having them quit their own jobs and squander what took decades to build, only to find them penniless in their own old age. If they leave the workforce, getting back in when they have used it up will be impossible.

 

[Out_the_Door]

If I was in their situation I would cut them out but. . .I have no children so this would just be a mental exercise. Not being married nor any children, I do not have any of my money going to any individual. I don't think I would have a change of heart if I did have children. It might be different if I had a wife who was dependent on me.

 

[Earlygirl]

I haven't read the whole thread, so please forgive me if someone has mentioned this. I read a book written by a lawyer about inheritances, and he said that if you wanted your children to like each other after you are gone, give them the same amount. This made a lot of sense to me. So, if there is a good feeling among your children now, I think it is best to convey any inheritance n equal amounts. I also agree with the person that said spend money doing things with them while they are alive, especially if they all have an acceptable income. That way the ones that want to participate actually do get a little more reward, and you get the pleasure of their company.

 

[ncbill]

I haven't read the whole thread, so please forgive me if someone has mentioned this. I read a book written by a lawyer about inheritances, and he said that if you wanted your children to like each other after you are gone, give them the same amount. This made a lot of sense to me. So, if there is a good feeling among your children now, I think it is best to convey any inheritance n equal amounts. I also agree with the person that said spend money doing things with them while they are alive, especially if they all have an acceptable income. That way the ones that want to participate actually do get a little more reward, and you get the pleasure of their company.

Sounds like "Beyond the Grave" which everyone should read.

And yes, no matter the justification, e.g. "our doctor kid has done better than our teacher kid so nearly everything goes to the teacher" as the author points out that means the doctor kid ends up thinking you never loved them & now likely resents their sibling for the rest of their lives.

I've seen it happen.

One of my mom's second cousins got everything because she named her kid after a childless relative...the cousin simply meant to honor them since the relative was devastated that they couldn't have kids (cousin wasn't seeking to curry favor) but it caused a major rift in that side of the family which still persists up to now, decades later.

 

[mwilson]

not "toxic" for no reason

I doubt the parents were labeled "toxic" by the daughter for no reason.

This letter could easily have been written by my own parents. They have made a false police report involving my children, when we battled infertility, sent letters to my spouse recommending sex positions, and suggested a family destination vacation that we planned, paid for, and traveled to that they then backed out of.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. Yet the complain about our lack of visits and calls. We can tell from other relatives they are moaning behind our backs about how terrible we are, but take no accountability for their own actions.

Most adult children want to love their parents - I can assure you the daughter's behavior is almost certainly warranted.

 

[Jeffman52]

We are spending the kids’ inheritance.

We always wanted to leave a good chunk of assets for them. But over the past few years, we have come to realize what they would do with it…both them and their spouses would quit working immediately and squander their respective portions. So, we are seriously beginning to spend more than our previous spending patterns would indicate. We are still pretty wise with our money management and thus something being left behind is inevitable. But, since we’ve decided to not help them ruin their lives with an oversized inheritance, we don’t feel bad or guilty anymore when we buy something that we want or that will make our lives more comfortable. Our point is two fold: Do things for and with them that we can all enjoy while we are still alive (it is hard to thank a dead person), and avoid having them quit their own jobs and squander what took decades to build, only to find them penniless in their own old age. If they leave the workforce, getting back in when they have used it up will be impossible.

+1


While I don't know for sure what my kids might do with left behind money, I do not plan to curse them with money they aren't ready for.


We have told them that we actually plan to spend every penny and die together as we bounce that last check LOL. We actually told them that, its not just a joke we tell. And to a degree we mean it. We worked hard to have a retirement and we aren't going to specifically not spend money just to leave some behind. Nor will we spend money to just NOT leave anything behind.



I am hopeful that by then their financial acumen will be such that this will not be an issue.

 

[Scuba]

My husband’s father is deceased, but his mom is not. She has a low six figure estate which for years she planned to leave 50/50 to her two grandkids, fathered by DH’s brother. DH and I never felt slighted because we don’t have kids and her two grandkids are both wonderful, responsible people who deserve the money.

A couple of years ago, she decided to split her estate 3 ways and add DH’s brother to the inheritance. While DH wasn’t at all miffed by this, I was and still have a bit of resentment about it. It’s certainly her money to give, and if we received 1/4 of her estate, we likely would have given most or all of it to her grandkids. However I felt that adding her other son to her will and leaving out DH because “he doesn’t need it” was somewhat of a slap in the face. DH and his mom have a very close relationship and she calls me her daughter rather than DIL so I know she loves us, but it does still hurt when I think about it.

DH’s brother lives close to her and we live across the country, but every time the brother gets a new woman in his life, which has happened several times over the last 10 years, he ignores his mom. He even forgot her birthday this year. And he didn’t help plan or attend the 80th birthday party we threw for her.

So although I’ve never faced this dilemma since we don’t have kids, I probably wouldn’t include a child that refused to speak to me in my will. There are probably already some strained family dynamics between the siblings, and if I were the sibling that paid a lot of attention to my parents while the other sibling was inconsistent or ignored them, I would greatly resent a large inheritance being split 50/50.